Mirrors

No, not the kind that probably came immediately to your mind. As you all know my son was here for Christmas and that I returned him safely to rehab on Christmas evening. He didn't get expensive gifts. I decided that I wasn't going to replace things he pawned for drugs. The next go around he will have to figure a way to buy those for himself. He did get some new jeans and a couple of shirts. He looked really good when I took him back. Like a "regular" guy (whatever that means). His dad and I both commented on that fact and he seemed pleased.

It has been so long since he really cared about his appearance I was thrilled to see him clean, shaved (mostly) with a recent hair cut. I went into the room he slept in while he was here yesterday to make sure that there were no dirty dishes or clothes left behind, there weren't! I noticed that he had pulled a full length mirror out of the closet. Apparently he checked out himself out before we left! Am I the only one who thinks this is significant? :-)

Everything in it's own time

3 weeks ago my son called and said, "I know that I shouldn't be thinking about this now but...I don't think I want to go to a chem free house after I am done here. I just kind of want to get a job and start over." I agreed with him that he didn't have to think about that at that moment and suggested he give himself some time to explore all of his options.

He called last night and was in a great mood. He said he was happy that he was able to come home and is glad that he went back. I think he was happy with himself because he got through 3 days outside of the rehab without using. All he would have had to do is walk out the door and within 15 minutes he could have found a fix, but he didn't decide to do that. He also talked about the possibility of going to a chem free house when he is discharged from rehab in February. Again, I encouraged him to talk to his counselor and weigh his options. I told him that I knew he would make the right choice when the time came.

During this conversation the words that I have seen written in various blogs came to mind. Don't offer solutions, don't lecture, don't give opinions, talk less and listen more. Thank you all for sharing what you have learned.

So for today my son is working on recovery for the first time. It is awesome to see the man that he can become without drugs. It is a blessing to see him confident in himself. For this day I am thankful!

Praying for yours and for mine.

No Expectations

I returned my son to rehab yesterday at 6 p.m.. We had a great holiday weekend! There were only a couple of tense moments. One when my son disappeared outside to our storage shed for a longer time than I thought was appropriate. I walked out and checked on him and he was looking through some old poetry and songs he had written. I just asked if he was okay and left him alone. The second was when his dad saw him on the computer on Facebook. This usually indicated that he was looking for drugs in the past. His dad stayed awake most of the night listening for front door to open and close.

Other than that it was a perfect weekend. My grandson was here  and he an his dad had a great time. My older son, daughter-in-law and daughter all greeted their brother with hugs and I Love You's and I am so happy you are here with us.

My son called last night after his drug test and said, "Mom! I passed a drug test without cheating!". The picture above is of my clear eyed son. I love him so much and I pray everyday that he will continue on the path of sobriety.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!

The Holidays

I've read a couple of blogs written by moms who have son's living several states away and are wishing that they could see them during the holidays. My son is in rehab only 30 minutes from my house and he has been there for only 39 days. I have seen him every weekend since he has been there. We talk almost every night for 10 minutes. My son will get a pass to come home for Christmas from noon on Friday and he has to be back by 6 p.m. on the 25th.

I should feel blessed, right? I do feel blessed that he is in rehab. I feel blessed that when I visit I can see his eyes clear and sober. I feel blessed that he is committed to recovery today. I also feel scared and anxious that he is going to be in my house for that long. His son will be with him all day on Friday and most of the day on Christmas Eve. What worries me is what will happen during the next 24 hours before he returns to the rehab.

I guess I need to stop that line of thinking right now. I only have to do one day at a time and if I decide to only one hour at a time. It will be okay and if it isn't I have the tools I need to deal with it.

Sometimes you just have to see it in print! I feel better now. :-)

Praying for yours and for mine.

Emotion Filters

I've been working on my emotion filter for a while now. I have been trying to not let the emotion of other people influence me and how I go through each day. Some days are easier than others.

Something happened this weekend to make me really think about this. I went to visit my son at the rehab on Sunday. I had this weird feeling of anxiousness from the minute I walked in the door of the facility. I found myself watching the interactions between staff and the other families visiting in the room with us. I asked my son if something weird was going on there that day. He didn't know of anything and asked me why. I told him that I just "felt" something was going on. I told him that it was probably part of the curse of being co-dependent.

Probably not more than 5 minutes later all the male counselors were summoned to somewhere other than where we were. My son looked at me with wide eyes. I just grinned and said, "I told you". It was no big catastrophe. One of the residents got caught smoking and this is a tobacco free facility.

My son, grandson and I had a pretty good visit. When I carried my grandson into the hallway that leads to the visitation area he squealed and smiled. I think he knew we were going to see his daddy.

Praying for yours and for mine.

License Plates

I have about a 45 minute to an hour commute to work each morning. I spend some of that time contemplating why the traffic stopped so suddenly or planning what I need to get done at work.  Most of the time I am trying to determine the best way to continue to let go of things I have no control over. When my mind is not on those things I look at the personalized license plates and try to figure out what they mean.

I was multi tasking on the way to work on Monday. I was thinking about my son, his wife, his son and worrying about how they are going to manage through his treatment and their impending divorce. How I am going to deal with it if my daughter-in-law moves away with my grandson? What that will mean for my son and for me? I got frustrated with that and began looking at license plates. The first one I saw said "B LIEVE". It took me a minute to figure out what that was supposed to be. The next one I saw said "HE CAN". I just looked up at the cloudy sky and said, "Okay, God. I get it!". And once again turned it all over to him.

Just something I wanted to share with you. Look around and pay attention. You will find the comfort that you need.

Praying for yours and for mine!

30 Days

We were able to take my grandson to visit his dad again this weekend. It is a joy to see them together and to know that my son is really in the moment with him. They seem to shine when they are together.

My son called later that evening and he chatted with me a bit then I gave the phone to his dad. He seems to tell his dad more about his recovery than he does me but that is okay. He told his dad that he will have 30 days sober today! No cigarettes, no dope, no weed, no alcohol! I hadn't been counting the days. My husband said that he sounded really excited that he has been sober for that many days in a row.

When I spoke to him last night he told me that he called his wife to thank her for a picture of him and the baby that she gave me to take to him. He said that they were able to have a nice conversation. I am proud of him for reaching out to her. He wouldn't have had the confidence to do that sober 31 days ago.

He looks great and sounds positive. I pray everyday that he will continue to have the strength and courage to continue along this path for another day.

Praying for us all today.

You Just Never Know

I went to a luncheon today for work. A woman was there that I have known professionally for over 20 years. She is someone that I have always admired and respected and looked to for advice. She retired a few years ago and I rarely see her anymore. We are "friends" on Facebook and I have recently asked for prayers for my son on several occasions so she knew something was going on with him.

She approached me after the luncheon and asked how my son is doing. I told her that he is in rehab and seems to be committed to completing the 90 days. She asked if he was using drugs and I told her he was. With tears in her eyes she told me that her son is using drugs and that he needs to go to rehab but he isn't ready yet, he hasn't reached his bottom. She and her husband are trying to decide whether or not to make him leave their home. My heart aches for her. All those questions, all those doubts. I could see the worry and hurt in her eyes.

I never would have thought that this person would be dealing with an addicted child. You would think by now I wouldn't assume anything about anyone. I am sure there are people that would be shocked to know that I have a son who is an addict.

I told her to call me. I don't have the answers for her but I certainly can be sympathetic and can assure her that she is not alone in this battle and that there are support systems out there for her.

Please add her and her son to your prayers.

Letting Them Fall

I heard a young woman tell a story last night about her dad having a car accident with her and her sister in the car with him when she was about six. Her dad saw her door fly open and saw her falling out of the car and reached over to grab her by the legs, then realized that if he held onto her that her head and face would drag on the ground and she would possibly be run over by the car. So he let go of her. Everyone survived but what resonated with me is when she said, "My dad knew in order to save my life he had to let me fall." That brought instant tears to my eyes. How many ways can that be true in all of our lives as parents? How many times do we painfully watch our kids fall in order for them to learn how to get back up and move on to the next thing? All we can do sometimes is be there to hold them when they decide getting back up is better than lying there and wallowing in whatever it was that made them fall in the first place. We try to protect them and prevent them from getting hurt. We don't want to watch them fall but sometimes in order to save their lives we have to move out of the way and let it happen.

Praying for yours and for mine.

Pretty Cool

I took my grandson to visit his dad today. They haven't seen each other for three weeks. I'm really not sure if my son has seen his son through sober eyes more that a handful of times in the last 14 months, which is how long my grandson has been on this earth. I was both excited and anxious to see how the day would go.

It didn't start out well. My grandson has a cold and didn't sleep well last night and refused to take a nap before we left. He slept about 20 minutes on the way there. Usually he doesn't do well around strangers and the visitation room would be full of strangers.

I don't know if there is universal system within the world of rehab but at this particular one the loved ones of the person there must listen to a 5 minute talk about addiction and how we need to educate ourselves about addiction and how we aren't responsible for our loved one being there etc. That's fine, but a 14 month old could care less. He wiggled and squirmed and banged his toy on the table until I finally just put him on the floor. He took off toward the doorway leading to the rooms of the residents of the facility. I took off after him and before I got there I heard a big squeal and a laugh then a "Hi Dad!". My son was standing in the hall waiting for permission to come into the room. I grabbed my grandson and looked up to see my son with a huge smile on his face and tears in his SOBER eyes. A sight behold, I tell you!

My son took total responsibility for the baby for the next two hours. He played on the floor with him, took him to change his diaper, took him outside, and just followed him around if that is what needed to be done. I pretty much sat at the table and wished I could have brought a book in to read during the visit.

When it was time to leave my grandson clung to his dad for a minute and then let me take him. Thank goodness! I am sure I would have had a emotional breakdown if I had to pull him from his dad to put him in the car.

Today I am so proud of the man my son is trying to become. I pray that he will find the strength to continue on the path that he is on today again tomorrow.

Praying for you, yours and mine.

Phone Calls

The last few phone calls with my son have been more positive than the first couple. When he was first admitted to this rehab he would call and really not say much unless asked a specific question. We can only talk for 10 minutes at a time and the first phone calls lasted much less than that.

This week he is giving more information about what he does each day and seems interested to hear what is going on at home. He and his dad have had some good conversations about their relationship. Which if I described it as tumultuous I would be generous. I have heard some acceptance of apologies and I have heard my husband do some apologizing. I know they have a long way to go. The gift of forgiveness is not something they have learned....yet.

Self Talk

I have been doing a lot of that lately. My son's eventually ex-wife is talking about moving our grandson and herself in with her boyfriend of 3 months and his 5 roomates who live 4 hours away. This is making me sick to my stomach. They spent Thanksgiving there. I want to jump in, hire an attorney and FIX this mess.

I don't feel like my grandson will be in any physical danger and I am sure that I will continue to have some contact with him. I just don't like the idea of my grandson being raised in an environment like that.

If there was a divorce then some things could be spelled out in a court order but neither of them can afford a divorce and it is very difficult in my state to file for one independently. I have thought about paying for it but I know my son is going to contest it unless there are certain things in the order and I can't afford to pay for each of them to have an attorney and as I keep telling my self, "It is really not my business to take care of". "Really, it is not my business to take care of". But....

ERRRRRGH!

Bright Eyes

At least they were brighter than they were the last time I saw them. I'm talking about my son's beautiful blue eyes that have been blood shot and grey for longest time now. He has been sober for two weeks now. He is still in rehab. He is depressed and wasn't very talkative at first. The first hour of the visit was pretty hard to get through.

I started telling a story about his brother's dog that none of us really like. Before I knew it we all three were laughing. Then we started talking about his son and that made him laugh too. The visit ended on a pretty good note.

I am wondering if it is typical that my son should see himself as different, better somehow than the rest of the people there? There may have been some socioeconomic difference and perhaps some difference in educational experience. Still, he is an addict just like them. I hope he realizes this at some point.

Praying for peace for us all tonight.

Counting My Blessings

Tomorrow will be a different kind of Thanksgiving than we have ever celebrated in our  home. My older son and his wife will be with her family, my son is in rehab and his son - my grandson will be with his mom. It will just be my husband, my daughter and me. At one point I thought about just blowing the day off, staying in my PJs all day and doing pretty much nothing.

At some point in the last week I stopped and really began to count my blessings and realize all the things that I have to be thankful for. Number one this year is that MY SON IS IN REHAB! I know where he is and I know that he is safe. He is alive and there is hope that he will get the tools he needs to be healthy and sober this time next year. I will see my older son and his wife on Saturday. My grandson spent the night with me last night and I took off from work today to play with him until his mom gets off work. I will have a relaxing day tomorrow with my husband and my daughter. I have my health and my sanity is still intact (pretty much anyway).

I will prepare our traditional Thanksgiving feast and we will enjoy it for the next few days. I will bow my head in a prayer of Thanksgiving for the gifts I have been given this year. When I stop and have a quiet moment I realize that there are many more than I could ever list.

I am a truly blessed woman.

Praying for mine and yours. Hoping that we all have a peace filled Thanksgiving day.

He's there, again!

Well, we dropped him....again. This time his dad and both took him. We were able to take him to the front entrance instead of the crisis entrance. His counselor was there to greet us. He shook my hand and said he was glad that we were able to get him back there. I told him it took a song and a dance but we managed to get it done.

My son gave me the biggest hug he has given me in months before we left. This past weekend he wouldn't let me touch him and seemed like he would rather not be near me at all. He seemed relieved to be there. I am relieved that he is there.

I am hoping for a good night of sleep tonight. This weekend was painful for us all. He could have walked out at any time and gotten high but he chose not to. I am cautiously hopeful that this is it.

Ironically, the other two rehabs called after we dropped him off. Could it be a sign?

Praying for us all tonight!

Thank You God!

Those were the first words out of my mouth when I spoke to my husband on the phone earlier this morning.

After my husband made a phone call to a friend of his family who happens to be on the board of the facility my son was released from last week and after that friend made a phone call or two, we were contacted by the director and the assistant director of the facility this morning to say that we could bring our son back today! Did I mention that the friend of the the family is also a state senator and that we went to school with his younger brother? Some days having grown up in a small, rural area has its perks.

We are not the type of family that would ordinarily call for any kind favor but our son's life is literally at stake here. All pride gets put away in these situations. After they released him on Thursday and we could not even get a call back from the director we started playing the "Who do you know?" game. It was worth a shot and this time it worked!

We are on call as to when to bring him in. I am glad that I decided to work from home today!

Prayers for us all today.

Rose colored glasses

My son is sitting in the living room with his dad listening to music on Austin City Limits. This is something that they both enjoy. I've head some discussion, some laughter, some debate. I wish I could close my eyes and pretend that this is every Sunday night at our house.

Bless you all. Praying for ours tonight.

Here is where we are

My son is on the waiting list for a treatment center within our catchment area. He has been promised a bed within the 5-15 business days. Possibly sooner. The catch is that he has to be drug free when they call him to come in. I'm really not sure he is going to make it. I pray that he will.

He asked me last night if he could go out. I reminded him that our agreement was that he would not leave or have company but that I wasn't a prison warden and if wanted to leave he was welcomed to. He would need to take all of his stuff with him and he would not be allowed to come back and that he could handle getting into treatment on his own. I also told him that he would be responsible for paying the $$$ that they are asking for up front. As my grandad would say, "Boy Howdy!" he didn't like that response at all.

So, you all know what happened for the next several minutes. He became a raging bull. Snorting and stomping. I invited him to leave again and told him that he didn't have to go through all of this because I wasn't going to stop him if he wanted to leave but that  he would not be allowed back in the house if he broke our agreement. He stomped back to the room he is sleeping in and calmed down.

Another condition was that he was to have no access to a phone. We don't have a land line anymore. Everyone has a cell phone including my son. When he went to detox he removed the SIM card from his phone and he told me he threw it away. Guess what? He lied! I am shocked! Shocked I tell you! (eye roll inserted here). I woke up last night, as I tend to do when he is in the house, and made sure the doors were all locked. He was outside on the phone. I told him to come inside because I want the doors locked when I am in bed and then I went on-line and deactivated his phone which I should have done a long time ago.

I know that the veteran's of dealing with an addicted child would say that he really should not be in my house at all. I agree, he shouldn't. I am ready for him not to be. We feel like we need to give him this shot since he initiated treatment in the beginning and it is not his fault that he picked the wrong facility. I know that I can't keep him sober. He may have already used as far as I know. The consequence of that will be he won't get into the next place and we will be forced to drop him off at a shelter and drive away.

I am praying that he gets the call sooner than later. For all of our sakes.

Hopelessness

You know, after dealing with treatment providers for the past week, I can see how an addict would begin to feel really hopeless about ever getting help. You would think as a society that we would be thankful and welcoming to addicts when they finally hit that point and asked for help. I don't know how it is everywhere but in my state it is like running an obstacle course. There seems to be barriers everywhere you turn. It is frustrating for my husband and me and we are both college educated, professional people with good communication skills. Think about an addict that has had their brain muddied by drugs for months and years. How in the world does an addict get help if they don't have an advocate helping to decipher everything?

Unless you are ready to write the $30,000 check, which we cannot, you are basically beholden to whoever happens to answer the phone. If anyone answers at all.

He is on two waiting lists now. One place wants him to go through "observational detox". He just spent 6 days in a detox unit!

Anyway, like I said last night. We are hanging in there. We aren't giving up. I hope my son doesn't either.

Back to square one!

Someone figured out that he lives outside of the "catchment area" after promising that he could stay there for 90 days. He had to leave today. Dad brought him to our house after we checked out a couple of places within our "catchment area". He can get into one of those within the next 14 days. He is already driving me crazy. He is pacing from the backroom to the living area. Looking mean at us. We told him while he is here no phone, no computer, no company and if we aren't here he has to be with one of us. Over kill? Probably. He can't get into either of the other places if he has used. Ya'll know the story. I am worried that he is going to feel the need to get out if he doesn't have a plan soon.

Hanging in there! Praying for peace for all of us.

If Nothing Changes, nothing changes

I am fixer by nature. I am the oldest of 6 children and was the primary caretaker for the younger 3 for most of their childhood's. My mom went back to earn a nursing degree full-time when I was 12 and she worked two part-time jobs. My dad worked nights driving a truck. So, it was just me and 5 siblings at home most of the time.

I got married at 19 to the man I am still married to. He is an only child from a highly dysfunctional family. Guess what? He needed me and I thought I had the power to help fix all the hurts that he ever endured.

My career is in the field of social work, go figure! In the beginning I worked with kids and families that needed fixing! Hey, that is my specialty! I was good at my job and was able to lead families to the services that they needed so that their lives could be better. Now I work with the juvenile and family court system as guess what? Yep, a court fixer. I work with judges and attorneys to develop better ways of working with families that are involved our court systems.

When I first realized my son had a problem with drugs I set out to fix him too. I always jumped into case worker mode with him. I would build a case plan, find the proper service provider for him, involve the court if necessary. I can still feel that emotion that I had when I would pull my imaginary Super Woman cape out of my imaginary backpack and begin the work of fixing my son.

I was so full of myself. I thought had the skills to make it all better for him. I took control of every situation that resulted from his drug use. I could fix this!

Today I still fall into that pattern of trying to fix things. I am much quicker to catch myself than I used to be. I realize today that my attempts at fixing things for my son probably caused more damage in the long run. He never developed his own skills for handling problems. Why should he? I took that job on for him.

I am learning everyday where my boundaries need to be. I am trying to replace my Super Woman cape with a force field that I can activate anytime I feel the need to fix someone. Maybe it would be better if I had a self-activating force field. Now that's an idea.

I am working on changing me and working on my own recovery. It is a daily process and I give myself permission to screw up occasionally. My relapses are shorter today than they were even a month ago. I am thankful for my blogging community that pulls me back to earth when I do pull that worn and tattered cape out of the backpack.

Praying for peace for our kids and for us.

Here I am Banging my Head Against the Wall

My son called his eventually to be ex-wife tonight about having visits with his son at the rehab. I told him not to do that earlier in the day because it is too early to start that conversation. ARRRRRRRGH!
She is not comfortable with him going to the rehab to visit, she wants to visit the place first. He can't go 90 days without seeing his son, blah, blah,blah, blah,blah! Dammit! I told him if he left he is on his own because we won't let him come back here, we won't take calls from him. He received a gift today and if he really wants to be part of his son's life he needs to take advantage of what he has been given. I told that he has to prove he is dedicated to recovery before she is going to feel comfortable having the baby visit there and that right now all he is to her is a junkie in rehab. He claimed I called him a junkie in rehab and told me he needed to hang up. WELL.....he is a junkie in rehab. ARRRRRRGH! Dammit.....................How do you go from hot to cold so quickly???? I think it might be a good idea if I don't talk to him for a few days and that anything about his wife or baby he needs to discuss with his counselor.

Hey Ron! It is not my job to figure this shit out....Right!

AAAARRRRGH! Dammit!

This seems appropriate

Good News!

When I wrote last night I was not sure how we were going to pay for the treatment program for my son. He is in a state funded not for profit facility but we live outside the catchment area (10 miles). Their policy is to save the sliding scale fee beds for the folks within the catchment area. The only way they allow someone else to have one of those beds is if they get a referral from law enforcement, the court or another care provider, or in our case an angel.

I called this morning to find out about his progress and his counselor told me that they were moving him today and that he was being admitted to their 90 day program. The nurse that admitted him on Saturday wrote a referral stating that in her opinion he needs to stay there and that he should be admitted and charged based on his ability to pay, which right now is nada. She will always be considered an angel in my mind. I need to send her a card (mental note, send Nurse Toni a card) to thank her for taking the time to care about my kid.

We would have found a way to come up with the money as I am sure you all have. It was a fairly nominal amount for a 30 day program but still a nice chunk of change. But to hear this morning that he can stay for 90 days, what a wonderful gift his is being offered. I pray that he takes his time unwrapping it so that he can savor and appreciate every bit of it.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Continue to pray for mine as I continue to pray for yours.

He's Got a Long Way to Go!

Saw my son briefly this evening. This has got to be the toughest detox for him yet. 5 days since he used and he is still barely coherent. He is getting Valium every 12 hours but I thought he would be more clear. Still it was good to see him. He is supposed to move to the residential program tomorrow. He hasn't been asking questions about the process and we haven't spoken to anyone about it. He signed a release so that we can talk to his care providers which we will do in the morning. This facility is for dual diagnosed patients and they have psychiatrists on staff. Hopefully they will address his depression and anxiety issues while he is there.

The good thing is he is planning to stay and is even looking a little further down the road at transitional living after the 30 day period is over.

I asked him tonight why he decided it was time to go to rehab and he said that the morning before he made the call he found himself at some woman's house. He didn't know her, didn't know where he was and didn't remember how he got there. He walked into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror and thought to himself, "This is how I am going to die". He came to our home Friday night and saw his son and decided he didn't want to die. I don't know if this is true but does it matter? He is in a treatment program that he decided to go to without nagging or pressure from us.

I think I will sleep well tonight.

Peace to you all.

Question?

It is likely my son will be in rehab during the holidays (thank you God!). How do I keep the holidays happy? Is it even my job? My older son and his wife will be here as well as my 19 year old daughter. My grandson will be with his mom and her new boyfriend (I won't comment on that).

Thanks for any suggestions here.

Praying for peace for us all.

He's There!

Probably the first time he has every spent the night city he is in. They have him on some meds to make the withdrawl less painful. I have watched him withdraw without meds so many times over the last 5 years. I am glad I don't have to watch this one. His dad talked to him tonight, I opted out and just sent my love via Dad.

I am so tired. I just want to sleep and sleep.

I am hopeful but not clueless. I know that this might not be the time it happens but I am praying that it is.

He is safe tonight and that gives me a sense of peace.

Praying for yours and mine tonight. Hopefully tomorrow is as productive as today.

Peace filled wishes for us all.

Headed that way

He got in the car.

This could be it!

My son called a rehab tonight. I heard part of the call, he has been doing every opiate known. I heard him say he was doing heroin as his first choice, then anything along those lines when he couldn't get it. He can get in  tomorrow at 10:30 a.m. All they can promise is detox, he needs much more than that. Where do you find much more than that? His dad is going to take him

He told me that if he could find a way to kill himself he would. I am sorry that he feels so bad.

His son is here. They had some fun. He rocked him to sleep. I am afraid this might be the last night that they are together. I don't know why but that thought is there.

Hopeful and apprehensive tonight. Prayers for us all.

Some days are harder than others and this has been one of those days

Today was a really busy one for me otherwise I would have probably spent it doing what I am doing now. Crying.........I tell my daughter that all crying does is give you a stuffy nose! Lol

This morning started with my son trying to spend the day at my house because he has no place else to be. I am on my way out of town for work at the time and was trying to get things at the house situated before leaving. I told him he could not stay at my house but that I would take him to McDonald's or the library to sit. "This is fucked up!" My response was, "I agree, and you are the one who fucked it up!"

He tried a lot of his usual tactics. I told him that those tactics used to work but they don't anymore. He became more and more agitated, made veiled suicide threats, whined because some other man is going to be the dad to his son, blamed, whined some more, then demanded that I take him to rehab! I told him he had the numbers if he could get into one I'd make sure he had a ride. Of course he didn't rush to do that.

I gave him a ride into town and planned to take him to the library to sit until he could figure something else out. He demanded I stop in the middle of the rode and let him out so I did. I went on about my business, got home late from work now that I have slowed down I'm having a hard time.

Tomorrow will be better. I think I am going to say my prayers and go to bed. Tomorrow is another busy day at work. I have to spend the night out of town. That might be a nice break.

I'll say a prayer for your's while I am praying for mine.

May we all find the peace we all deserve.

Self-Preservation

My heart is hurting today. Funny how stuff comes at you when you least expect it to. I had to tell my son not to call me until he decides to get into treatment. I felt pretty good about that and slept very well last night (I turned my phone off just in case). I know I will feel better later on but right now I just feel sad. I guess they call that feeling grief.

Ron suggested that when he stopped trying to "fix" his son that he got to the point that he felt more part of the solution than enmeshed in the problem. Those were not exactly the word he used but close. I feel like by not allowing my son to be in my house, eat my food, have access to my computer and not allowing him to contact me by phone that I am making it a little harder for him to continue to have those basic comforts and continue to use drugs.

Praying that we all are able to have a peace filled weekend and that our kids find their own brand of peace as well.

Just For Today

Son -"I might as well check myself into a rehab"
Me - "You need to make some phone calls then"
Son - "It is only because I have no where to live"
Me - "So drugs have nothing to do with having no where to live?"
Son - "No"
Me - "Okay"
Son - "Hummmph"
Me - "I'll drive you to whichever one will take you"
Son - "Why can't I stay with you until I get a job and get back on my feet"
Me - "Because I love you and I know that this has never worked in the past"
Son-........................
Me- "Let me know what you find out"

At first I thought he had come to a realization that drugs were causing problems. Right now it is not the drugs, it is the employer who doesn't understand and is not tolerant when you are late coming to work or the landlord that won't let you live there for free or the guys that I am staying with that take the rent money I have paid them and partied with it. Nope, drugs have nothing to do with his current situation.

Just for today I will hold my ground. Tomorrow hopefully it will be easier to do than today.

Praying for peace for our kids and for us.

It Was Bound to Happen....then it did

My son called this morning and guess what!? He was fired from his job yesterday AND he and his friends are being evicted from the place they have been staying AND he didn't pay rent at the apartment he has managed to keep until now. I told him that living with us is not an option and that he needed to try and work something out with the landlord at his apartment because if he doesn't he is homeless.

I have read the blogs of other POAs so when I he told me all  this I almost chuckled....almost. There was no shock, no disappointment, no knee jerk reaction that meant I should be fixing this problem for him. Of course this happened. He is an addict who is not in recovery and this is a natural course for addicts. Every blog that I read tells this story in some fashion or the other.

I'm thinking that if he doesn't have a job and no place to live this would be the ideal time for him to get into rehab. I may suggest that to him when he tries to whine about having no place to live. Think he will take me up on it?

Praying for peace for us all today.

Mind Your Own Business!

That is what I am reminding myself to do today. The reason is, the last time my son came to my house he left his pay check stub and I found it on the floor of the room he slept in. He earned only half of what he told us he is earning. This means that there is no way that he can afford to pay the rent on his apartment, pay utilities, eat and pay his child support. I know child support is being paid, he still has a place to live and doesn't look under nourished. Of course my mind went into over-drive imagining what he is doing to pay those bills. My fellow POAs know exactly where my mind went with that.

Finally I just told myself that it is not my business. I had to repeat this several time before I could let it go. If he is doing something illegal he will get caught eventually and he will have to deal with the consequences. If he has a second legitimate job that I don't know about then good for him!

Today I am letting go and letting God deal with this. It is not mine to worry about, fix or deal with. It is none of my business!

Happy Friday everyone!

Festie Feet!

Any of you out there that have ever gone to a 4 day outdoor music festival know what I am talking about. We camped out with some old friends, made some new ones, enjoyed great music and beautiful fall weather! I hardly thought of my son and his problems the whole time we were there. (Notice that I said hardly)

Thank you all that commented on the post about my son calling the day we were planning to leave needing me to change my plans and find and take him to rehab that day. I gave him a phone number for a rehab that would have taken him that day and we left for our trip that we had been planning for months. He didn't make the phone call but I still had my vacation.

We had a great time and eventually my festie feet will get back to normal. Maybe a pedicure is in order!

Manipulation?

My husband and I have had plans to go out of town for music festival for several months now. This is an event my son would love to go to and frankly if he was sober I would love for him to go with us. He asked me to buy him a ticket when he was here over the weekend. His birthday is tomorrow. I told him I didn't want to buy him a ticket and he got in a huff and couldn't understand why I wouldn't shell out $150 and provide him transportation and lodging to go. As I blogged earlier, he was high when he was here. He also found out yesterday that the girl friend knows that he stole her money and medications.

We are supposed to leave today, we ARE leaving today. My son calls this morning saying he needs to get into rehab, today. When his dad asked what made him decide to go today, he hung up the phone and turned it off. I called and found a place that can take him today. It is a 30 day program. I called and left the phone number and told him that if he calls this morning and they will let him come in (he may need to go to detox first) then I will take him.

My thinking is that the ball is in his court. There is nothing I can do if he doesn't make the call. I shouldn't cancel my plans to do something I have been planning and looking forward to just to sit by the phone and wait to see what he does, right? He will be 23 years old tomorrow. Time for him to step up and take care of this himself. Right?

He did it again!

This weekend was rough. I know I brought it on myself by allowing my son to be in my home in the first place. I can deal with that. I found out today that he stole his new female friends debit card, wiped out her bank account which will make it difficult to provide for her own daughter's needs for the rest of the week AND he stole her medication.

Makes me sick! She is pressing charges, which I encouraged her to do. I reminded her that I work for the courts and specifically child welfare and that I also encourage her to keep her baby away from my son. You know, I never thought during the 9 months that I carried him in my body that I would EVER have to tell someone that he is not safe to be around.o

Don't know what will happen next. Maybe he will go to jail. Who knows? I can't and don't even want to try to predict the future.

You know how you can tell an addict is lying?????

A recovering addict asked me that question one time and of course the answer was, "their lips are moving". I saw this again this past weekend with my son. He was at our house to visit with his son. He had been there only long enough to "go get coffee" with his new female friend and then take a shower, when he started nodding off. Of course it was just because he was tired. He hadn't had much sleep all week but when I spoke to him on the phone the night before he said he had slept for 12 hours the previous night. So which was the truth? Who cares really? He probably used when he was in the bathroom taking a shower. Needless to say, he didn't get much of a visit with my grandson. He can't be there when he is high. He blew it....again.

I am wondering if they really think we are stupid. We don't know what they look like when they are high after all this time. Tiny pupils, slurred words, lidded eyes, nodding off mid-sentence.

I am not even angry with him - he is an addict that is what addicts do when they are actively using. I am more angry with myself for letting him back in my house. I guess I need to re-charge my power shield and put it back in place.

I pray that one day he will get to the place he needs to be. I'll pray for your kids too.

How Big is Your Higher Power

My sixth grade teacher asked me how big my God was because I was worried about something that might or might not happen. She asked me if he was weak and tiny or big and strong. Even at the age of twelve the question made me stop and think. How big is my God?

I have carried that with me for a long while now and I still have to stop and ask myself that question when I start trying to control and manipulate situations. Am I so arrogant that I think that I am smarter, stronger, more loving that my God?  So sure that I know more about the plan that the universe has for my son than God does?

How big is my God? Big enough to keep me and my son safe? Big enough and strong enough to trust to know the bigger plan? Big enough to take over if I can be trusting enough to get out of the way and let go and let God?

That teacher passed away this year. She challenged me in many ways but the day she challenged me to define my faith in my higher power probably was one of the most important. Thank you Mrs. Hawk.

And the beat goes on....

Today is my grandson's first birthday! He was at our house yesterday to celebrate. His dad, great-grand parents, uncle, aunt, and his dad's new "friend" and her baby were here too. We had a great afternoon. I think he enjoyed the cake. I love that little boy!

Limits

I wish that somewhere it was written in stone that in order to have serenity we all must abide by a prescribed set of limits and these limits were the same for every person and every family. I am beginning to see that is is more about what I am comfortable with and not so much what I hear other people saying are the recovery "laws". If you read enough about recovery and addiction you will eventually hear the experts contradict each other, which can become confusing at times.

As I read the blogs of other parents that have an addicted child in their lives I see variance in what are considered appropriate limits. Some say, no way do you let the addict in your home, others say they can come if they are sober at the time. The only consistent thing that I see throughout is don't give money and don't do anything for them that should be capable of doing for themselves.

I am working on defining the limits that I am comfortable with. I am learning that I am not comfortable with a lot of the things I used to allow and thought I had to live with.

It is a process. One day at a time.

Melancholy Mom

I really found myself missing my son this weekend. While I have enjoyed the peacefulness of not having him around and not having him call all the time I really miss him.

The daughter of a co-worker met my son at a music venue a few weeks ago and she told me what a really sweet and cool guy my son is. He really is a very fun guy to be around when he is not high. Our family laughs so much and really has a lot of fun together when everyone is in a good place. I really miss that. A lot.

Where there is life there is hope! Here's hoping!

Detachment

I'd never thought about needing go detach from my non-addict children...until yesterday morning. We had plans to go and visit my in-laws who live about an hour away. The grandson is here for the weekend (yay!) and we were taking him to see his great-grandparents who haven't seen him since May. My daughter, who is almost 19 and lives with us, promised to go with us so she could spend time with her grandparents. It was almost time to go and she wasn't out of bed yet. I woke her up and she really didn't want to get out of bed. My response was, "Well, I am not going to try and make you go" to which she replied "I'll go one day when I am off work." I just laughed then I went about getting myself and the baby ready to go. In the past I would have argued with her, tried to make her feel bad, worried about how bad my in-laws would feel because she didn't show up......etc. I was just able to let it go. It hit me pretty suddenly how different that response was to the way I would have responded even 3 months ago. I was able to go and enjoy my visit without worrying about how everyone else was feeling. I am not responsible for everyone else.. What a liberating feeling to have!
I hope all of you are enjoying a peaceful and serene Labor Day weekend. Praying for your kids and for mine.

I think that went well.....

I broke down and answered the phone when my son called yesterday. He called my cell and I ignored it, then he called my office phone and I ignored it, then he called my cell again before I could turn it off. He hung up on me one time when I didn't say what he wanted to hear. I broke my rule and answered when he called back. I usually don't answer after he hangs up. I basically laid out my boundaries. No visits at my house until I know he is seeking sobriety. He needs a long term residential treatment center but if he would attempt meetings, counseling, anything I would consider letting him visit if he is sober at the time. I told him if he showed up at my house high he would not be allowed in. If he pushed the issue I will have him arrested and then I will file a retraining order. He tried to turn things around and make them my fault and I didn't let him. I let him know that he made this mess and only he could make it better and that I refused to take the blame or responsibility for any of it. I only allowed conversation about our relationship. Nothing about the baby. I told him that I am  not responsible for scheduling visits or making it possible for him visit. That is up to him and the baby's mom.

At the end of the conversation he asked if we were going to speak to each other on the phone. I said that it would be on my terms. He can call but if I can't or don't want to speak with him I won't answer. I admitted that there are times when I don't feel strong enough to speak with him and on those times I will not answer the phone. He said he was sorry for making me feel that way.  I told him that I love him but that I needed to end the conversation. He said he loved me too.

Peace to us all tonight.

Working it!

My grandson's mother called last night and we talked about me keeping him some this weekend. That makes my heart happy. She also told me that she is thinking that she might have to file a restraining order against my son. Apparently he was drunk/high on Sunday (remember when I didn't take his call?) and told a mutual friend of theirs that she should never let him visit with the baby unsupervised because my son had a melt down in front of the friend. He told the friend that it was good that we never left him alone with the baby because he would probably just f@#% him up. I took that to mean emotionally but the grandson's mother didn't know how to take it. She is afraid that my son my approach her and the baby when they are out in public and she doesn't know how to handle it. It is obvious that my son is not in a sober state right  now and it is scary. I of course will support whatever she decides to do to keep the grandson safe. That is my primary concern right now.

After that conversation I went and dug out all my recovery meditation materials and started reading. I need constant reminders lately that I am not the only person to go through this with a child and that there is hope for serenity and peace. For me and for my son. I also need to be reminded that the only recovery that I can be responsible for is my own. I feel blessed to have some wonderful moms that read my blog and encourage me. I feel "loved up" every time I read their responses. I can love my son but I know that I can't fix him. I have tried for 7 years to fix him and I haven't done it yet. Time to let go and let God.

For today I will work to let go of my negative thoughts, Yaya referred to it as "stinking thinking", and focus on the beauty around me. I will be happy that my son is alive and I will lean on my higher power and trust that she will watch over me and my son and that there is a plan for both of us and it will unfold in its own time.

Peace to us all.

When does the serenity stuff start?

We had a nice quiet weekend as planned. Until last night when my son called. I didn't answer the phone but I did text back asking him not to call because I am not ready to speak to him. He sent me a text back asking me not to help take his baby away from him. I told him that he is the one causing that to happen because of his refusal to accept that drugs are causing problems in his life. He never responded.

This morning I feel highly anxious wondering if I have done the right thing by refusing contact with him. Everything I read backs my decision up. Do we ever get to quit second guessing ourselves? I keep waiting for complete peace and serenity to wash over me. I know enough about the Al-Anon steps to know that this doesn't happen until near the end of the 12 steps. What do we do in the mean time? I think I got the first step. I know I cannot control the addict or his use. Is refusing contact another way of trying to control his behavior?

I used to consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person. Lately I feel like I should be sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on.

This is hard work.....

I am asking for all my fellow POAs to keep me in your prayers. I told my son that he was not welcome in my home until he gets in recovery. I wrote a letter that probably said it better than I did verbally but he refused to take it from me. He denied that he has a problem, he yelled, cursed, cried then walked away. He called and left a pitiful voice message. Blamed me for taking his son from him because he can't visit with him at my house. He threatened to come and take him from me and that there was nothing I could do to stop him. So, I contacted my grandson's mom and told her that I didn't feel safe with the baby at my house this weekend. She agreed. I am feeling pretty beat up this morning but peaceful and relieved all at the same tme.

Timing

I think it has happened to me. I have been reading blogs about addicts not getting  to the quitting point until they get tired of doing what they have been doing for so long. I think I am tired of doing what I have been doing for so long as the mother of an addict. I really don't want him in my life anymore if  he is using. What led to this? He was given a bonus weekend with his 11 month old son and he blew it.

My grandson's mom will only let them visit in my home and only if I am here to supervise and while I think that is a good idea, I am really getting tired of the responsibility. There is no legal paperwork that says I have the say about where the baby goes and with whom while he is at my house. I know that his dad could walk out with him at any time and that there is nothing I can do about it. There is no divorce and no custody arrangements.

I didn't hear from my son all week last week. On Thursday I sent him a text to see if he needed a ride to my house. I work less than a mile from his apartment. My house is 26 miles away from there. He said that he had to work on Friday night. Had a chance to make $150. Okay. I pick the baby  up anyway and bring him to my house. On Saturday my son called and said that his ride wigged out on him and he couldn't get here until Sunday morning. Okay. We had a great time with the grandson without him. On Sunday he arrived at 2:30, high and with some woman and her 4 month old daughter. He couldn't put a sentence together, kept going to sleep and he had those eyes. Pin point pupils. He said he was just tired. I put up with it for about an hour then told him it was time for him to go home. The woman and her baby left without him. I took him back to his apartment just to get him gone and I didn't want him making a scene in front of the baby. He sat in the back seat with the baby and slept the whole way. The baby kept pulling on his dad's shirt saying "da" "da". I wanted to push my son out on the side of the road and just leave him.  I couldn't get my son out of my car fast enough. When we got to the apartment he proceeded to tell me how I embarrassed him in front of his friend and that if I cared at all I would apologize. Then he tried to kiss his son good bye and the baby pulled away from him. He said that the baby was acting like he didn't like him. I told him that his son is probably mad at him for bringing another baby into the house. I know, I know you can't reason with someone who is high. I was just so angry and still am.

I am there. I don't know what this is going to mean in the long run but I don't want to see this any more and I don't want my grandson to see it all. It breaks my heart......some more.

Peaceful

This weekend was different from my weekends in the recent past. I got so much accomplished at my house. After several weeks and weekends of chaos and sickness I finally had some energy to tackle some organizing and cleaning projects that I have wanted to take care of for awhile. One thing that was really bothering me was that the room that my son and his soon to be ex-wife shared while they lived with us needed to be cleared out. They have been living separately since February and he has been out of my house since June. I finally boxed everything up and put it in the storage shed. I don't know why but that gave me such a feeling of closure on that part of our history. The rest of my house is clean and organized as well. Well, except for my daughter's room but I can just shut her door.

Sunday afternoon was spent in the pool on a float just doing nothing. It occurred to me that it has been a long, long time since I have allowed myself that luxury. No where to go, no one to call, nothing that had to be tended to. I truly forgot what that felt like. I have spent so much time and energy on my son and trying to manage his addiction I feel like I have lost part of myself. Just to have those couple of hours floating in the pool helped me to realize that I need to focus that energy on taking better care of myself and doing the things that help me to feel healthy and peace filled and to not feel guilty while doing those things.

May we all have a peace filled day.

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand. - Randy Pausch

This quote rings very true to me in so many ways today. I think I need to slow down and re-think how I want to play the cards that have been dealt to me. I can either fold and continue the same ole way or be more deliberate in my decision making in deciding which cards to let go of. Hmmm!

yaya really said some important things to me today. I really need to do some soul searching and decide how I want to live the rest of my life knowing that my son is an addict and will always be an addict. How can I begin to undo MY patterns of behavior and start living a healthier life for myself. Is it safer for me jump from the moving crazy train that I am on or continue to ride it knowing that eventually it will de-rail?

I think I know those answers for myself. Accepting that they are correct might be harder to get to.

Can't even be sick without interuption!

I have pretty much been on the couch or in bed since Saturday afternoon. I went to the doc yesterday and started an antibiotic and feel better today. My morning started like this....text "Mom, I need that $50 you are holding for me. My electric bill is due today and if I don't pay it I have to pay a reinstatement fee and I can't do that until the 20th." me "No, I am at home sick. I can't get it to  you but I will see if Dad can. Do you have the money except for the $50".....I knew better than to ask....."No, I am $32 short."...."Well, we told you we would help with the deposit and part of that is the deposit. I guess we will cover the $32." ...."Cool, could you just pay it on line for me?"...."Not until I know you have the cash to cover it."....."Mom, I swear I am telling the truth!".....Yeah, like he swore to Jesus that he didn't steal my debit card two weekends ago. "No, unless I know there is cash I can't help you. I'll call Dad and have him come by and take you to pay the bill if you have the cash."  I was really proud of myself for insisting that he have some money to pay it and not trusting him and paying it on line for him.

My husband swore no contact with my son after he stole from us AGAIN so I hated to even ask but I really did not feel like driving 30 miles to where my son lives and where my husband and I both work to deal with this today. So, because he knew  how sick I have been he agreed to do that for me.

GUESS WHAT!!!! The son was was $52 dollars short not $32. My husband went ahead and paid it. I texted my son and said I was glad that he still had electricity and that I hoped he had enough pay check on the 20th to pay rent. He said he hoped so too and that right now he doesn't have enough to eat. he just got paid on Friday. He should have had enough to pay all his electric bill, pay child support and buy groceries AND put some away for rent. I reminded him that you pay bills first and  have fun after and the he chose not to eat until next payday. And since he stole from us we can't help anymore than we did today. (and we probably should not have done that) He works at a deli so I know he gets breakfast and lunch for free. He won't starve. He will be here to visit his son tomorrow. So he will eat then. We agreed that it is important enough to us that he sees his son that we will let him do that even though he stole from us the last time. We will have set more limits (that he will likely push).

Does this ever end? I pray that it does in a positive way eventually. I know that I could just close him out of my life but I guess that I am not there yet. I don't know how many times I can let him lie and steal from me before I just say, "NO MORE!" Moma is sick (literally) and tired!

Having a Moment

My husband said he was having a Z  moment, meaning that he was worried and wondering about our son.  I have those moments at least 15 times a day. This is the first week in a long time that I have gone without actually speaking to him. We finally talked by text a couple of times. I worried for a little while that he doesn't have a way to wash his clothes....should I go by and pick them up and wash them for him? Then I worried that  he may not have food in his apartment. Should I forget that he stole $100 from me last weekend and call to be sure he has food? He hasn't seen his son in a week, should I relent and make it possible for him to see him. He got paid on Friday, should I call to remind him to put some of that away to pay his rent?

I wish I knew all the "right" answers.

It is About Time!

Getting ready to do something I haven't done in awhile. My husband and I are going out of town over night.....at the same time. The codes are changed on the locks, our bags are packed, my daughter will spend the night with a friend and the puppies are in a safe place. Here's to a relaxing evening. Crank up the AC in the hotel room, turn off the cell phone and have a good nights sleep.

I hope I didn't just jinx the whole trip!

:-)

No News Isn't Necessarily Good News

I typically hear from my son at least once or twice a day by text even when I ask him not to. He hasn't attempted to contact me since Sunday when we asked him to leave after stealing my debit card. I haven't tried to call him. On my way home from work yesterday we caught a glimpse of him in the window of the deli where he works. So, we know he went to work. His sister saw him at a music event last night and said he appeared to be drunk or high and was being obnoxious. When she told me I just said, "That's really sad." He helped book the show and did a lot of grass roots PR to get folks there. I hope he didn't burn bridges with his behavior. Like all of our addicts he has so much potential. It is really very sad.

No Title - I am not that creative this morning

I took my grandson to his mother this morning before coming to work. I forgot how much fun it is to get ready for work with a baby on my hip! We had to take a bottle break and watch NickJr about half-way through. He is such a sweet baby that I really did not mind it a bit.

I told her about my son stealing my debit card. Her first response was, "I hope he is not using again". I told her that I thought he was but we didn't go any further with it. We talked about visits with the baby at my home and she is fine with him coming on his dad's regular weekend whether his dad is there or not. She wants him to have a connection to his grandparents and she said that she trusts my judgement as to whether my son should be in the house or not. I am so glad that I took the time to maintain my relationship with her after she made the choice to leave him.

I haven't spoken to my son since we asked him to leave on Sunday. It was just very uncomfortable to have him there after his behavior on Saturday. I really don't think that he understood why anyone should be uncomfortable. He even invited his new female friend to come over, in spite of our direction that she was not to be there when his son was there. It was kind of like an extra jab.

Oh well, today is another day. I manged to get to work without graham cracker crumbs on my shirt and I don't think I have spit up anywhere. If I do that is okay. It will all come out in the wash.

Have a great week! I appreciate all of you that comment and offer your support. It certainly makes me feel less lonely and less crazy in this wicked world of addiction.

Terri

It's Bad

Ron commented on my last submission to my blog about finding a needle and spoon in my son's pants when I picked them up to wash them. His comment was "if it looks bad it probably is bad". Well, it is bad. My son stole my debit card today while I was unloading groceries from the car. He left shortly after I got home with the groceries to pick up his bicycle that he left at a friends house several weeks ago. Something told me to look in my purse after he left and sure enough it was gone. I called him immediately and asked if he had "borrowed" it. He denied, denied and denied. I called the grocery store to see if they found it, searched my purse again, then searched my car. No debit card. I called my son again and gave him another chance. NOPE, he didn't have it. We started the process of getting it cancelled which was not an easy task. He came home and even suggested that we go to the market and look in the parking lot for it. After talking to customer service at the bank my husband learned that just shortly before my son returned to the house two withdrawals had been taken from two different ATMs near our home. He still denied doing it until my husband put the pressure on. He caved then. He seemed to think that by offering to pay us back that everything was ok and no one should be mad. He said he needed the money to pay a guy for housing the bicycle (which did not come back home with him) for all these weeks.WHAT?

He remembered the PIN number from two years ago when in a weak moment I allowed him to use it for gas. This is the second time he has "borrowed" it without permission. We have kept it locked up in the car and it would have been there today but he caught me busy and not watching.

He is here to visit with his son over the weekend. He has pretty much been high the whole time he has been here. I am at the point of saying he can't even visit with his son here. This might mean that I don't get to see my grandson very often and it will very likely mean that my son won't see him either. I doubt he has a place to live after rent comes due in two weeks. NOT MY PROBLEM! I'll work something out with the mom to make sure I maintain contact with the grand baby.

Why can addicts justify stealing from their families? We have helped this kid up so many times and this is what we get for it? ADDICTION SUCKS!!!!!

I am wondering how many ways addicts justify stealing from their families. Do any of you have creative addicts? I'd like to hear the most creative justification they have given for stealing from you. This bicycle thing has really got me shaking my head and wondering if he couldn't have come up with something better.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll work to make it a positive one for myself.

Peace,
Terri

"But Mom! It's not mine!"

How many times have we heard that one? I quit counting. My son came home with his dad afterwork yesterday. He left shortly after getting here with his new female friend. He is still married to the mother of his 9 month old son, but that is another story. He changed out of his work clothes before he left. So, being the ever so helpful mom that I am, I picked them up to wash them for him so he would have something clean to wear today. I found a needle and a spoon with some orange residue in it. I called him and told him he needed to find a ride back to his apartment and that he is not to call me unless it has something to do with the baby. He is not to ask me for a ride back to our town and I told him that I did not want to speak to him or see him again last night. His response was, "But MOM! It's not mine! I found it. You just don't understand!". Well, I might not understand what  he goes through on a daily basis but I do understand what I saw and I understand that I don't want that crap in my house. Besides, why in the hell would anyone carry around a bent spoon and a needle that didn't belong to them. That incident reminded me of the time that the cigarettes weren't his, the pot wasn't his, the booze didn't belong to him. Give me a break. Please!!!!

I don't know what I feel. I was disgusted at first, then scared about the explosion that I thought it was going to cause when I confronted him about it. It seems like all those feelings cycle much faster than they used to. I finally just reminded myself that he is an addict and that is something that I have no control over. What I can control is who and what are in my house.

He will only be allowed in my house if he is visiting with his son here. I may even search him before I allow him in the house for that.

Prodigal Son???

My son sent us a text today. To paraphrase it went something like this: I am back! I forgot how good sober can feel. I have people who don't mind being around me now. I have two jobs that I like. I have a library card that I use often. I have people in my life who love me. I don't have to look out of my bedroom window and see the house that I started using in. I have a baby that I love more than life. I am broke but I am happy.

My response was, "We love you and have missed you. We are so happy that you came back to us!"

Okay, the first thought I had was, "rent is due next Monday and he is not sure how he is going to make it." My second thought was, "I am happy that he is sober and doing well today". We are so happy that you are here for today.

Love and peace to you all.
Terri

You know that feeling you get when..............?

We had a great weekend at my house. My 9 month old grandson came and spent 3 days and two nights. There is just something about having a baby in the house. He is such a happy little guy and is free with giggles and baby smooches. My son was also there and it was wonderful to watch him with his son.

Wonderful weekends have often been ruined by my son's additive behaviors. We could have had the most awesome time as a family and then out of seemingly no where my son would just go crazy over some minor thing. This sent the whole family into a frenzy and we would end up having a sleepless Sunday night worrying about him. Now I see that this was his way of making it okay to leave the house so that he could access drugs. After all we were "pissed" and really just "didn't want him to be there anyway". That made it our fault.

So, when I saw that I had missed call yesterday only 15 minutes after I dropped him off at his apartment my heart shifted into that crisis rhythm. My anxiety level immediatly went through the roof and I debated on whether or not to return the call. Of course I did. There was nothing wrong, he wasn't asking for money or demanding that I turn around and come back because he needed a ride somewhere. Nothing like that at all. He just wanted to ask a question. I told him that I worried when I saw that he called and he wondered why. I said, "I guess I need to get used to the idea that every conversation we have doesn't necessarily about something going wrong". 

He sent me a text later in the day thanking me for a used microwave that I got cheap and to thank me for helping him with the baby this weekend. Wow! It is good to have my son back. I have missed him. I hope he doesn't go away again and if he does I hope he will find his way back quickly.

Moving Day!

My son is moving into his first apartment that he is renting all by himself. He has always either lived in our house, his in-law's, with a girl friend or with other room mates. This is his first time to live alone. I am excited for him. I am also frightened for him. He got paid today and he gave me money for his child support and money for the fine that I paid for him. This is a vast, VAST improvement. Paying his bills before spending money on other stuff is not something that has come first nature to him. For this minute I am very proud for him. He carried himself like a man for the first time in a long while. You could see pride in his eyes. There I go with the eyes again. I have always heard that the eyes are the window to the soul. I think I understand that now.

Peace to you. We all deserve it!

Getting Over Another Hump

I don't know how many times I have said, "If he could just get over this hump I think he will be okay." I feel like some days I have him on my shoulders trying to lift him as high as I can to help him get over but it just never seems to happen. We are at another crossroads today. He is doing really well with his job. He is getting a raise soon and has taken on some new responsibilities. He is paying his child support and being proactive about things like, finding an apartment, seeking an attorney that might be able to help get regular and consistent visitation with his son. He found an apartment and was able to get the electricity turn on in his name without help. The problem is the ER bill from last fall that I refused to pay. He hasn't paid it either or made any arrangements to pay it. Now it has been turned over to a collection agency and they are threatening to garnish his wages. Without his paycheck he can't afford rent or utilites and he won't be able to pay child support. We are not supposed to look at the past, only today, but it seems like the past comes back and bites him on the ass every time. I will talk to him tonight about calling the collection agency and seeing if he can work out some type of payment arrangement with them. My shoulders are getting very tired. I pray that he can pull himself over this time.

The Things They Will Do

We recently received a bill from an emergency room visit by my son from several months ago. I knew that he went and told him then that I wouldn't pay this bill. Receiving the bill brought back memories of many trips to the ER with him. He was diagnosed with his first kidney stone at the age of 15. This required the stone to be crushed with a laser. He had a couple of confirmed episodes when he was 16 and 17. Each episode resulted in a prescription for pain medication. It sort of shocked me how freely doctors wrote these prescriptions.When he was 18 he was going to the ER once or twice a month complaining pretty convincingly of back pain he believed was caused by a kidney stone. Pain is not something that is easily measured by anyone other than the person dealing with it. It took me a minute to accept that my son was exhibiting drug seeking behavior. I stopped taking him to the ER and would not provide my insurance info to him. I even called several of the ERs he had used and asked that they mark his chart. When they started asking him for $100 up front he quit going to the ER and start shopping for doctors. Many of the doctors caught on pretty quickly and basically "fired" him from coming to their office. We paid thousands of dollars on these unnecessary ER visits after insurance paid.
I don't know why I am posting this. He hasn't done this in awhile, at least to my knowledge. When he complains to me now my standard answer is, "I am so sorry." and then I walk away. You know it amazes me to look back at all the crapola that we went through with this young man. Looking at it now I just have to shake my head at the pure insanity of it all. Man, addicts do crazy stuff and us co-dependents just follow right in behind them doing some crazy stuff too. At least for today, I will be sane.
Blessings!

Payday............

My son got his first pay check today after being sober for almost 12 days. He paid child support, paid me part of what he owed me for his fine and is supposed to put some of it up to buy things he will need for the apartment he is going to be renting later this month. Sounds like everything is in order. Why am I so nervous?

Brown Paper Bag

I found brown bags in the trash. The kind that are just the size and shape to hold a 5th of something. Not that I really searched. They were just there on top of the other trash. Alcohol is not the problem....Right? I mean he is really only addicted to pills, a few beers or a few shots won't hurt. Jeez Louise!!!!! Here we go. :-(

Not the Way I Thought it Would Be

I took my son to the park so that he could have "visitation" with his 8 month old son. He hasn't seen him for 3 weeks. While I praise my daughter-in-law for keeping my grandson (and herself) safe from his dad's drug addiction it makes me sad to know that my son is missing out on so many things with his baby. I cried as I drove from the parking lot and saw my son smiling and crying at the same time as he took his son from the car seat. He has been sober for 9 days now! :-)

Passing the Test

My son has been back in my house for a week. He can be here only as long as he works everyday and if he remains sober. He hasn't had any money since the weekend we had to ask him to leave because we found out he had stolen enough stuff from us to be charged with a felony. We got he stuff he pawned back but the stuff he sold outright there was no way to get that back. Anyway, as far as I know he has been sober for 8 days now. He came to my office after work. The first thing out of his mouth was, "I wish I got paid tomorrow." yeah me too! "Do you think you could loan me $30" NO! "Well, I need to find a way to buy the baby some formula" I bought formula last week and took it to them last Tuesday but if he needs formula, I will buy some more but I won't give you money. What else does he need? "A bottle brush" Got one. "Okay, that's cool. I don't need any money then". Okay. He left my office and went outside to take a phone call. On the way to pick up his dad, "I would really like to have some money for the weekend. Could I borrow some money?" No! I just paid $90 on your fine and you owe me that when you get paid on Monday. "oh, well I could pay you the $90 and the $30 on Monday" No, I don't have it. It cost us $600 to get the stuff out of pawn. We are broke. "So, you don't want me to have it or you don't have it?" It doesn't matter does it? I am not giving you any money. Why do you need money anyway? "I wanted to take that girl out to eat" Tell her you are broke and that you will take her next week after you get paid. She is supposedly in recovery. If she knows what addiction is she will understand that you have to pay for things you have done in the past before you can do things now.  Well, you all know that this converstation took many forms before it was over. The thing is, for the first time ever I was able to say no, see through the scam and not feel guilty. He may have found a way to get the drugs that I suspected (well pretty much knew) he was trying to find a way to get but I didn't enable him to get there. So, for today as far as I know he is still sober and probably just as important in my recovery......I passed the test!!!!! :-)

Over reacting?

My daughter reminded me yesterday that she is not her brother and did so rather loudly before having a friend come to pick her up. She just graduated from high school a couple of weeks ago and has been in full celebration mode since. I'm afraid that last night I drew some comparisons between her behavior and her brother's behavior and made some allegations that may or may not have held any merit. I am just scared that she will fall into the same abyss that he has. I don't want to lose another child.

The Eyes have it!

I have read several posts, mostly from mother's, that said that they could look at their kid's eyes and know whether or not they had been using. I have told my son for about 3 years that he can't lie to me because all I have to do is look at his eyes. Those of you that have opiate addicts for children know for sure what I am talking about.

Well, he didn't come back to my house last night like he promised. I was pretty worried about what we would be dealing with today. He called this morning and asked if I would pick him up because the friend that was supposed to bring him home last night didn't show up. Of course I did. Well, his eyes were clear but it looked like he had been up all night. I can deal with that.

Right now it looks like we have had 4 good days. I'll take that!

Peace and love,
Terri

You Must Meet Them Where They Are

I heard that from someone. I have been working on that with my son. He is an addict but he is also my wonderful, beautiful son. I am learning to seperate the two. I really, really don't like the addict. I don't like the way he looks, behaves, speaks and even the way he smells. When the addict walks into the same room I am in I instantly tense up and recoil from him. When my son walks in and his eyes are full of light, I smile and my heart fills with hope.

So, where are we at today? 3 good days! Yeah, I know that it is Friday and it is very early to be "counting my chickens". But for now I am thankful. My son has had a job for 3 whole weeks. He is a server in a restaurant. He likes the job and has made it every day so far. When he is at my house he rides with me to work. One day this week he actually said, "Mom, if you don't hurry up I am going to be late!" You all know how happy that made me! Of course I got him there in plenty of time.

Today I stopped by his work to take something he needed to him. He was in his element. Smiling and waiting on his customers and they were responding to him. He is really a good guy when he is sober. People have always been drawn to him.....when he is sober. The addict has driven so many people away, but the sober son draws them to him.

My son's soon to be ex-wife, brought my 8 month old grandson to me today and we a had a wonderful 2 hour play date. It makes me sad that she won't let my son see him right now so that means when my son is here my grandson can't be. But, that is where we are at today. Tomorrow or next week might be different. My son knows he has to prove that he can safely be with his son and that he must be willing to provide for his son before he does anything else (eg. spend his pay check on drugs and booze).

So, today (early in the day on a Friday) we are in a good place.

Blessings to you all. Thank you for receiving me into your "family".

First Post

I'm not ready today to share the story up to this point. I am sure it is a story that will evolve and develop over time. I am ready to say that my son has had two great days and for this I am thankful.