I have pretty much been on the couch or in bed since Saturday afternoon. I went to the doc yesterday and started an antibiotic and feel better today. My morning started like this....text "Mom, I need that $50 you are holding for me. My electric bill is due today and if I don't pay it I have to pay a reinstatement fee and I can't do that until the 20th." me "No, I am at home sick. I can't get it to you but I will see if Dad can. Do you have the money except for the $50".....I knew better than to ask....."No, I am $32 short."...."Well, we told you we would help with the deposit and part of that is the deposit. I guess we will cover the $32." ...."Cool, could you just pay it on line for me?"...."Not until I know you have the cash to cover it."....."Mom, I swear I am telling the truth!".....Yeah, like he swore to Jesus that he didn't steal my debit card two weekends ago. "No, unless I know there is cash I can't help you. I'll call Dad and have him come by and take you to pay the bill if you have the cash." I was really proud of myself for insisting that he have some money to pay it and not trusting him and paying it on line for him.
My husband swore no contact with my son after he stole from us AGAIN so I hated to even ask but I really did not feel like driving 30 miles to where my son lives and where my husband and I both work to deal with this today. So, because he knew how sick I have been he agreed to do that for me.
GUESS WHAT!!!! The son was was $52 dollars short not $32. My husband went ahead and paid it. I texted my son and said I was glad that he still had electricity and that I hoped he had enough pay check on the 20th to pay rent. He said he hoped so too and that right now he doesn't have enough to eat. he just got paid on Friday. He should have had enough to pay all his electric bill, pay child support and buy groceries AND put some away for rent. I reminded him that you pay bills first and have fun after and the he chose not to eat until next payday. And since he stole from us we can't help anymore than we did today. (and we probably should not have done that) He works at a deli so I know he gets breakfast and lunch for free. He won't starve. He will be here to visit his son tomorrow. So he will eat then. We agreed that it is important enough to us that he sees his son that we will let him do that even though he stole from us the last time. We will have set more limits (that he will likely push).
Does this ever end? I pray that it does in a positive way eventually. I know that I could just close him out of my life but I guess that I am not there yet. I don't know how many times I can let him lie and steal from me before I just say, "NO MORE!" Moma is sick (literally) and tired!
I can completely relate. My son has zero fiscal responsibility. He never has. At a very young age it was a dollar in a dollar out. UGH! You are in my prayers.
ReplyDeleteThis only ends when you end it. Addicts are users and manipulators that prey on people's guilt (especially Moms).
ReplyDeleteYour son has a job, then he should be responsible enough to take care of his bills. But why should he? He knows you will.
You admitted you are an enabler. So be it. As long as you continue to enable...this will never stop.
Sorry to sound so harsh. I have 17 years experience as a POA. And while what works for me might not work for you, I do know that "enabling" doesn't work for anyone.
God Bless
yaya......OUCH! :-) You are right of course. My behavior is the only behavior that I have control over. It seems like once you hop on the crazy train it is harder to get off than it was to get on. His dad is and has been ready to shut off the fuel supply.
ReplyDeleteI know that I am the weak link here but I am making progress. 6 months ago, sick or not I would have run right to him, paid the bill myself, bought groceries paid for lunch and probably washed his clothes and cleaned the apartment. The whole time doing this I would have been resentful and angry telling him that it will never happen again and I would give him the same lecture I gave him the last time I did all this. By not going a taking care of all that and making sure he has food to eat I have made progress.
Thank you for sharing you wisdom. I respect you for your years in the trenches and I know you know that it is a difficult battle. I need to read all of your blog and find out how you have handled situations with your Addicts.
Have you read Melody Beattie's "Co Dependent No More"???? A classic. So much helpful information. I highly recommend it. I still keep it in a bedside basket filled with books I pick up and read often.
ReplyDeleteMy son has been in recover for 3+ years. It took him about three months after we shut him off to figure out "This is my recovery, no one can work it but me". Daughter is 5 months in recovery, living with a friend, virtually homeless, jobless, carless and clueless.
She gets no monetary assistance from us other than the fact that we are raising her three children. We legally took them away from her 2+ years ago.
I know the crazy train you're riding, I rode it for years before jumping off. I've made every mistake a parent of addict can make. It was when I got tough (hubby always was) that things started to change, not only in my life, but in the lives of my addicts who finally realized we were past manipultion. My hard stand (detachment) was the only thing that returned my sanity. And, I believe it hastened my son's recovery as well.
I'm glad you are making progress on the never-ending recovery journey. It's long, it's hard. And because the best we can ever expect from our addicts is remission; the journey is filled with anxiety.
But like you said "Our behavior is the only thing we have control over" and that's true only when we TAKE control of it. We have to work our own program everyday and in every situation.
Do well and God Bless.
yaya, I've been thinking about your earlier comment all morning and have been doing some processing of my motives for continuing to intervene and fix things for him. I know he partied all weekend so if he had money to do that he had money to pay bills and buy food.
ReplyDeleteI do have that book and for months and months kept it in my purse so I could pull it out as needed. It is in my car now, maybe I need to go and get it during my lunch break.
Did you do Alanon? I have been to meetings but I don't go regularly and I have never had a sponsor.
Maybe I should also get the bag of groceries I loaded into my car last night out and put them back in my cupboard. ;-)
I feel like you gave me a big verbal hug. Thanks.
I meant big virtual hug not verbal....whatever, it made me feel better. :-)
ReplyDeleteYes, get those groceries back on YOUR shelf. Please find a counselor or check out another meeting. Blessings.
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ReplyDeleteI can only tell my story, not tell you what to do. It took me locking my husband out, not letting him see his dogs (we don't have kids), refusing to help him in any way. It took all that and it was the hardest thing I ever did, but I was able to do it as my therapist told me it was me who was being selfish. I helped him (codependency) as I did not want to feel the pain of seeing him sink so low. Once I realized she was right, I was able to stop doing it and guess what, he found a free rehab for people who live in the street ... now he has almost 4 years clean and sober. I do understand your pain and will say a prayer for you and your situation. Many of us have been there.
ReplyDeleteLuh, Thank you for sharing your story and your prayer. I am starting to realize the only recovery that I have control of is my own. I have to work on it every day.
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