Setting my limits

We had a very calm conversation with my son last night. Or rather we talked and he listened. I simply told him what I was and wasn't willing to do for him and then my husband did the same. I told him what he does with his life is really not my business and if he decides to live a life of addiction he will have to leave my home. We told him if we even suspect drug use we will test him and if he tests positive he will be asked to leave. There will be no begging, pleading or crying...he will just leave.

I told him that none of what I said had anything to do with him. It is all about protecting myself from his addiction. I can't and won't go through that with him again. If he makes the choice to use then he is on his own and out of my life until he is sober.

He cried a little. He didn't argue. Said he understood and didn't have anything to add to our list or have any discussion about the list.

I felt completely peaceful afterward. It is just where I am right now and this is not a bad place to be at all. For today I am resolved to take care of myself, honor my limits and protect my boundaries. FORCE FIELD ACTIVATED! ;-)

Praying for peace for us all.

Quack! Quack!

Okay, I took advantage of Barbara's post. I know I have a duck in my house. His dad picked him up today and brought him to our home. He didn't look like a duck or walk like a duck....today. He seemed okay. He is a duck regardless.

He called last night and said he couldn't be with the woman he was with or live in the motel where they were. He needed to be here with us in a "safe" place. The woman he was with, according to him, was "hyrdroing". I'm sure that drugs were easy to get where they were at. It was a place that I wouldn't have felt safe in daylight or dark.

My grandson is here until in the morning. We resolved to not make a scene tonight. Tomorrow we will have a family discussion. I am so DONE! I can't go through this with him again. I don't want to and I don't have to.

Praying for all us this evening!

Drugs cause a lack of creativity

My son called a bit ago and used a very old reason for me to give him money.....the woman he is with right now had a "female emergency". He used that one a few times with my grandson's mom. When I heard it tonight I thought "Really?"! He said they spent all their money on "female emergency" supplies and had no money for food and asked if I would call a pizza place and have a pizza delivered to them. My response was NO!

In the past I would have felt sorry for the girl and run right out and made sure she had what she needs and made sure they had food. I do feel sorry for the girl but she is going to have to figure this out for herself. I suggested that they call her family for help.

I can see what is going to have to happen. I am going to have to tell him not to call until he is ready for sobriety. I am so tired but very determined not to fall into my old patterns. He may be repeating history but I don't have to.

Praying for peace for us all!

and then my phone blew up!

My son called my phone 3 times before I  picked up. This is how it started out, "Mom, I need a favor". I told him that if it involved money the answer was no. He was floored! They were getting booted from the hotel they were staying in. I told him that was not my problem and that they might consider the Salvation Army Shelter. He wanted to know if he could come home with me. I told him that HE could come home with me IF HE could pass a drug test.

His response was if you can't help me that's okay. I told him that I love him and that he is a smart and resourceful young man. He said he doubted it. I told him I love him again and he hung up.

I wish that was the end of the story. He called again and asked for a ride to the bank so the girl he met in rehab could get money for one more night at the hotel. I agreed to do that. A promise for 30 minutes of my time turned into 2 hours. After they got back to pay the rent on the room they were refused a room. I took them to another trashy place that they could afford for tonight.

I kept thinking to myself, "Why do people feel like this is an okay way to live?".

I just don't get it. I suppose families without addiction wonder how we live the way we live.

It is what it is.

It is what it is....whatever it is.

My son called Sunday about money. I refused to help with that. He called again on Monday just to "check in" because it had been a couple of days since he had talked to me. WHAT?! I didn't even try to point out that we had just had a conversation the previous day. He said for me not to worry about him because he isn't f@#$%@#$ up. He is with people who are working a program and staying sober. He said he has had the opportunity to get drunk and use drugs but hasn't. He also denied getting kicked out of rehab. He said it was his choice to leave. It could boggle my mind if I let it.

I told him that I will always worry about him because that is what mom's do but my concern is not so much about him but about me this time. I told him that I am happy that he is comfortable with where he is at and that I hope it all works out for him. I just don't want to go through it all again and I don't plan to.

So for today I am resolved to take of myself, accept him where he is and accept that it is what it is in whatever shape that might take.

Praying for us all.

It's all about the Benjamin's

That was the title to a movie that I never saw but it seemed a fitting title for this post. My son left a voice mail on my phone Friday. I am glad that I forgot my phone at home because I was very busy that day and didn't have time or patience to talk to him.

Guess what he called for! You got it! MONEY! His grandmother bought him a jacket for Christmas that is well........ugly. She left the receipt and told him that he could return it to get something else if he wants to. He called to ask if I had taken it back yet and that he really could use the money to buy food and "stuff". He would get $50 back. His words were slurred and he completely drifted off toward the end. There was no, "love you Mom" or "thank you" or "sorry I didn't call before now to let you know that I am safe".

I didn't return his call and I don't plan to. I am not going to hand him money. I don't even want him at my house to pick up the jacket. If he wants it I'll leave it with security at my office tomorrow and let him come by to get it. I really don't want to see him right now. This is about protecting me, not punishing him. I figure that he is doing a good enough job of that himself.

Again, thank you all for your prayers and words of support. I agree with Ron by saying I don't think I would be nearly as healthy as I am right now without all of you.

Praying for yours and for mine today.

Blogger

I can't respond to anything that you guys have sent me in the last day or so. Blogger is acting strange. But I just want to say thank  you for your support. Last night was the third night since my son left rehab that he has had no contact with us. I really do feel at peace with that right now. I really believe, and I told this to Barbara in an e-mail, that if I hadn't been reading blogs for the past several months that this would have absolutely blown  me out of the water. Bris, accurately pointed out that I saw the writing on the wall.

While I was optimistically hopeful that this rehab was "IT" and I was happy that he was there and safe, I just had a gut feeling that he wasn't working the program. He has always been a good player and I think he played the program until something better came along. This time it was a girl with a car and some money who he met in rehab.

I haven't lost a lot of sleep over it. I am trying to not let my mind wander and obsess over him. I have spent way too many years doing that.

Have peace filled Saturday everyone.

Two Days

My son has dropped of the radar for two days now. My protective force field is on full power today!!!

I hope his is too!

Praying for peace for all concerned!

Don't know where he is

He was kicked out of rehab on Tuesday. Hooked up with a woman he met there on Wednesday and they were just gonna go hang out, maybe get a hotel room, play some music. Of course this would all happen after they went to check out some chem free living facilities.

I let him know I was concerned for him but that I had to trust him to work his own recovery plan.

While I have a looming sense of dread for what is next, I still managed to sleep pretty well last  night. A year ago if this had happened I would have been up all night waiting for the phone to ring. I guess I have made some progress in my own recovery.

Yay me!

Of Course He Did That!

My son has always had a way of sabotaging his success, no matter what he is doing. He told me on January 7th that he had 10 days left at rehab and that they were letting him go early. I didn't question that (dumb head me). He mentioned it a couple of more times and I told him every time that if the counselors were okay with it and he completed the program then that was great. The whole thing just seemed sketchy to me.

So ironically, last night, exactly 10 days later, he called to tell his dad he had been discharged and we needed to come and get him. I hadn't even made it home from work when he called. We didn't go get him but my husband made plans to go today.

Well, my son called this morning at 7:30, before my caffeine had kicked in fully, and told his dad he didn't need a ride after all because he was leaving with some "friends". My husband talked to the counselor and the truth is he is being kicked out for fraternizing with a female resident. His plan is to go with these "friends" that he met at rehab, one of whom is the female, and go look at chem free living facilities today. I hope that is exactly what they do and that all 3 of them can find a place.

I am really not freaking out about this. I just have a heavy sense of dread. I'm working on getting rid of that and trying to let go and to remember to breathe in and breathe out. He will do what he will do and just like in the past I can't control any of it.

Praying for us all today.

A big circle

My husband and I took our much needed weekend. We took our two puppies with us and it was a very good weekend except our 12 year old doxie passed away yesterday. We are very sad but are happy that she is no longer suffering. She had arthritis in her legs and hips. She struggled daily. We felt like her time was getting close that is why we couldn't leaver her behind. We fed her her favorite food and my husband even cooked a steak especially for her the night before she passed.

The morning she died I woke up early and watched the sun coming up over the mountain beyond our cabin. I said a prayer of thanks for the opportunity to witness that sight.

We buried her in a sunny spot because she loved the sunshine. I'll go back and plant some pretty bulbs around her grave soon.

Prayers for yours and for mine.

Forgiveness

This is the first weekend since my son has been in rehab that we aren't going to make the trip to see him. My husband and I are taking a much needed post-holiday break.

He called from his counselor's office today. Low and behold he is already out of money for the pay phone!

Anyway, today we talked about forgiveness. He said he knows that he is going to have to forgive himself in order to remain in recovery. I agreed.  I let him know that it is hard for me to forgive myself for lots of things but I am working on it. I also let him know that I forgave him a long time ago and I all I want is for him to be healthy. He choked up a little and then replied, "That helps a lot".

He called his dad too. My husband is a DJ on community radio on Friday nights and he dedicated a song to our son tonight. I hope our son was able to hear it.

Still praying.

10 More Days

According to the phone conversation I had with my son Monday night he is going to be released from rehab in 10-15 days. He has done very well in rehab. Some of the counselors have commented on what a smart, good hearted, fun person that he is and how much growth that they have seen in the time he has been there. I tell them that I have always known those positive traits about him. There was never any doubt about that. I just don't like the mean, lying, manipulative, destructive part of him that comes out when he is in active addiction.

When I asked what kind of plan he had for when he is discharged his response was, "I just want to get a job and start over". That is not exactly a plan for continued recovery. I am working on letting go of my anxiety and my reflex to develop a plan for him. I need to work on my plan for my continued recovery after he gets out. That is when his really hard work will begin and I know that I will have to work hard to stay on my path of recovery as well.

Saying a prayer for us all.

2012

My husband and I brought in 2012...fast asleep! Our grandson came to visit on Friday night and just left 20 minutes ago. Whew! We went to visit our son in rehab on Saturday and then the grandson and I went back on Sunday.

I hate to read some of the bad things that are happening to some of my blog friends. For today my son is doing what he is supposed to do. He seems confident in his recovery. Several people commented on how well he is doing now and how much he has grown since he has been there. I can see that myself.

On the way out on Sunday a mom stopped me and asked how much longer my son will be there. I told her at least until mid February. Her son won't be out until March. We compared notes for a few minutes then I said, "I miss him but I am also afraid for when he gets out." to which she replied, "Isn't that the truth?".

Praying for yours and for mine tonight! Happy New Year!