Wednesday, November 27, 2013

"Guess where I am at?"

I finally answered the phone yesterday and this is how I was greeted. I calmly responded that we knew he was in jail and why. He couldn't understand how we found out. I said, "It was in the paper".

He was silent for a breath. He said he got tired of running. My smart mouth said, "Well, I heard you got tackled and had no choice but stop". I know he meant something different. I probably should have kept my mouth shut.

He is in for 30 days on an old warrant. One I knew nothing about but am not a bit surprised. His court date on the new charge is not until January 21st. Unless he bonds out. I told him that we would not bond him out. He said his prepared to just be there until he is released. He informed me that he will not be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I sort of already had that much figured out.

He still has a warrant in a near by city for unpaid fines. I don't know how that works....will they check for other warrants before they release him? If not I may suggest he turn himself in and just get it over.

When he gets out he will have no apartment and no job. He will be homeless again. I hope he will work on something for when he gets out. He said that he wrote me a letter and asked that I write him back. I will let him know that we won't pay his rent while he is in there and that I will go talk to the landlord about releasing both of us from the lease.

I guess I will be the one to go clean out the apartment. I can only imagine what I will find. I'll plan to take a bunch of black trash bags and just load most of it into those. The only thing of value he has there is the microwave that I bought him (if it is still there) but even that is not worth much.

I learned a valuable lesson from this. I won't ever put my  name on a lease or utilities with him again. Well, I won't say never but the situation will need to be totally different than it was this time. I'll go with my gut instead of my heart.

He said that he is safe and he just wants to get all this over with. I hope he means everything, drugs, the drug life style the whole thing.

Today I am thankful. I am thankful that I will spend the holidays with my family of origin along with my husband, other two children, my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren. I am thankful that my son is not out on the street and that I won't wonder all day tomorrow if he has food to eat and whether he is cold and lonely. I am thankful that for today he is alive and that there is still hope that he will find his way to the right path.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!! No matter how bad things are with your addicted child remember that if they are alive today be thankful and be hopeful that tomorrow could be the day they turn around.

Monday, November 25, 2013

There isn't an instruction book for this

I am a little confounded. I'm not sure how I am "supposed" to feel right now. My son has been in jail for 3 days now. We haven't heard from him so he probably doesn't know we know where he is.

He has been in city jail before in our small community. This was because I pushed the issue. He was on probation for threatening a former girlfriend and he was not keeping his probation appointments and not paying fines or doing his community service work. The reason he wasn't doing these things is because he was staying high. He was selling his stuff to get money to buy drugs. I did what  a lot of us POAs do. I manipulated the situation and shamed the probation officer and convinced him that my son needed to learn a lesson. He was picked up and spent 6 days in city jail. That happened 5 years ago. Did my manipulation cause any changes in my son? Nope!

He has never been in the jail of the largest county jail in our state with a very diverse population. I don't know how he has avoided it, I really don't. I know he has been doing illegal things for most of the time he has lived there.

I don't really want to talk to him. That is my choice. I don't want to hear him whine and beg. This is his to deal with. Not mine.

I don't feel sad about him missing the holiday. He may have been with us during the holidays in the past but he wasn't really present. We have had to be on guard the whole time he was with us. Watching our belongings, watching him to see if he looked high, watching him with his son to make sure nothing bad happened because he was high. Actually, I am relieved that he won't be with us. Does that make me a bad mom?

I don't feel guilt because he is in jail. He put himself there, I didn't have a thing to do with it. I was miles away safely asleep in my own bed when he decided to rob that young woman. I have no desire, have not had one thought about posting his bond.

I do feel terribly sad that he continues down the path of self-destruction. I hope that he thinks about how he got to where he is at and decides to make some changes.

Well, as the saying goes, "Where there is life there is hope".

Friday, November 22, 2013

He finally got caught

It was bound to happen sooner or later. My son was arrested last night for robbery.

My daughter got a facebook message from one of my son's friends. The friend asked if she had heard what had happened to her brother. She called me to see if I knew but I hadn't heard anything at that point. My mind went to some of the worst case scenarios. He had cheated someone and gotten beaten up, he got high and mouthed off and got beaten up, he overdosed, etc. etc. etc. My husband I were making plans to go to his apartment after work to check on him.

My husband checked online for recent local arrests and there he was, mug shot and all. I think my husband does this routinely when we aren't sure what's up with our son.

He was pretending to be lost and was asking for directions through the window of a car. I guess the passenger was a female and he reached in a took her purse and took off running. Another passenger jumped out and tackled him and held him until the police got there. After running his ID they found out he had another warrant out for his arrest. I am guessing that one is for unpaid fines in another city. I could be wrong about that. There may be others I don't know anything about.

His bond is $35,000. We won't be going to a bail bondsman to get him out. I am relieved that he is there for now. I know he will have something to eat, a place to sleep, and maybe a minute to clear his head. I don't know what will happen next but it will be up to him to figure that out.

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend.

Another scared mom

I've mentioned a friend of my daughter's who is an opiate addict iin this blog before. It hurts my daughter to see her friend go down the same path as her brother. They have been buds since junior high school and it especially hurts now because the friend is pregnant. My daughter can't wrap her brain around the fact the the friend is pregnant and still using.  Truly, I can't either but I know it happens all the time. It hurts me to know what she does to that poor baby every time she uses.

The mother of this young woman called me last night because she couldn't reach her daughter and the daughter had told her she was staying with my daughter. I hated to tell her that my daughter had actually been at my house for the past two nights and that I hadn't seen her daughter. The daughter had been gone for two days with no word. Her mother thinks that the pregnancy is keeping her daughter sober. My daughter saw her friend at the mall a week ago and she was so high my daughter was embarrassed to be near her so she excused herself and left.

In my state if a baby is born with drugs in it's system the state gets involved. I told this mom that information and told her to try and make her daughter understand that if she continues to use she runs the risk of having her child removed from her at birth. This mom is a nurse and seems to have no understanding of the danger her daughter could be putting her unborn baby in and the nature of the withdrawals that the baby could have when it is born. I am flabbergasted!

I told the mom that there are a few rehabs in our state that will admit a pregnant addict and allow them to stay after the baby is born with the baby. I am checking on those for her today.

Please keep this family and this unborn baby in your prayers and thoughts.

Tuesday, November 19, 2013

Profiles

My grandson spent a couple of nights with us over the weekend. He always wants to sleep with "gawanny" when he comes over and of course what "gawanny" can refuse a cute little fella anything? When he wakes up in the mornings he always asks, "Will you snuggle me?" well, of course!

This weekend I woke up and just watched him sleep for a little bit. Except for his curly hair his profile looks just like his dad's at that age. It made my heart hurt just a little to see the image of my son at the age of 3 right next to me. The innocent little boy before drugs. When I could still make things better for him with a kiss on the cheek and a Ninja Turtle bandage.

I haven't seen my son in about a month now and he showed up at my office today. Security let me know he was downstairs and asked if I wanted him to come up or if I just wanted him to wait there. I asked that they have him wait. I had no idea what shape in might be in or what he might want from me.

He was shaved and looked neat from a distance. When I got closer I could smell that he hadn't bathed in a day or so. He was thinner than he was the last time I saw him and very pale. I told him he looked really thin to me and he said it was because he walks everywhere he goes.

He wanted to know about Thanksgiving. I told him that if he could pass a drug test next Wednesday that he could ride with us to his grandparent's home with us. This is a 3 hour trip to and from. He said that he hasn't used in a couple of weeks now. I told him what I had heard from a couple of different people. Of course those are all lies. As he is calling BS on all those people I noticed a blood stain on the front of his shirt. SIGH....

Anyway, I set my boundary. It will be up to him to stay within that boundary. Will it be hard not to take him with us if he test positive? Yes, I am pretty sure it will be hard but I am ready to stick to my guns.

For today I know that he is alive. I keep repeating to myself that where there is life there is hope.

Friday, November 15, 2013

Don't Judge

I mentioned last spring when my son was in rehab that my husband and I noticed that there was a judge from our community in family group. His son was in the same rehab my son was in for the same addiction.

We ignored each other the first few times we were all there. Finally he came up and shook my hand. I have run into him a few times in the building we both work in. If no one else is around we ask each other how the other's son is doing. Last time we talked his son had relapsed and mine was doing well.

He was presenting at a conference I was at this week. We were both standing in a doorway chatting when the question was asked, "How is your son?". I told him that he is back out there. He said he was sorry. His son is doing okay today. I told him that I wish my son would get arrested. He said that if he is in jail at least I would know he is alive. I just shook my head. He replied, "I know, I've been there".

As he walked away he reached out and touched my arm. That spoke volumes.

Praying for yours and mine tonight. Praying for you too.

Saturday, November 9, 2013

Ooopsie!!!

My son accidentally sent a text to his dad offering to trade some acid for some coke. I had to Google the drug slang that he used to find out what he was talking about.

Dad sent a text back suggesting he watch who he is sending his drug deal messages to. He replied by asking, "Who dis?" Dad responded, "Your father". Son asked when he changed is phone number. He didn't.

He is really out there more than I have ever known him to. Maybe because he is closer to home this time and I am hearing more from people who know him. He robbed one of my daughter's friends this week. He grabbed her purse and ran away with it. I don't know if he knew she was a friend of his sister's or not. I told her to file a police report. I don't think she will.

He sent a text to me earlier in the week asking to "borrow" $60 so that he could take a lady friend on a date. He said he would be getting money through Western Union the next day. I told him that I didn't have $60 because I gave money to his son's mom so that she could get him to the doctor on Monday. Which was the truth. I suggested he wait until he got his money to take his friend out. I didn't question why he was getting money through Western Union because I really didn't care.

Why always $60? If I hadn't checked his cell phone a while back I wouldn't know that $60 will buy a morphine tablet. That is always the amount he stole from our bank account when he would take my debit card without permission. I know there is no logic to what addicts to but it seems like he might learn to ask for different amounts, not that I would give it to him.

On that same day he sent a text to his sister asking for a favor. She called me to ask what was going on with the son at that time. She has learned that there are times that she should just stay away from him. Very sad. They were close when they were kids. He is still very protective of her. I suggested that she not contact him.

Yesterday a woman that he has stayed with in the past sent his ex-wife an email that said that he is out of control, running with a meth-head woman. They shot up in her bathroom and left blood everywhere, ate her food and the woman stole some stuff from her closet. She later caught my son trying to break into her house. She told his ex-wife that he shouldn't be seeing his son. My ex-daughter-in-law sent the email to me.

I assured her that I will not let my son see the grandson if he is using. I told her that I know what is going on and that is why it has been almost two months since I have tried to arrange a visit for them. She trusts me to keep my grandson safe.

I am thankful that I had a nice weekend with him last weekend. I just pray that he will make it through this go around so that we can have more nice weekends in the future.

Tuesday, November 5, 2013

$20

It was only a $20 bill and if he had asked I might have given him a few dollars. He was the only person in my car besides me on Sunday, it was there when we left the house so he must have taken it while we were unloading the car at his apartment. All the silver change in my change holder was gone when I looked yesterday as well. That was probably only $1.00 at the most.

The reason I noticed it gone yesterday is that I told my grandson's mom that I would give it to her for gas money to take him to the doctor. When I went to get it, it was gone.

SIGH!

Sunday, November 3, 2013

Biscuits and Gravy

There are three things that I cook that my son loves to eat, fried chicken, chicken and dumplings and biscuits and gravy.

He got up very early this morning after sleeping all day yesterday. He got up a couple of times yesterday to go to the bathroom and to eat. Other than that I didn't see him much. I did have an opportunity to suggest he go see a therapist. He said he would think about it.

He was out of bed when I got up. I got the newspaper and went outside to read it. It is a beautiful fall day here in Arkansas. When I came back in I asked if he would like to have some biscuits and gravy for breakfast. He looked at me like, "Duh!".

I cooked his food and put it on a plate all pretty like he did my supper on Friday night. I even sprinkled a little paprika on the gravy to give it color. He laughed when I told him that is what I had done. Then I went back to the kitchen and folded an napkin to look like a flower and handed it to him, he laughed again and stuck it behind his ear. It felt good to hear him laugh and to laugh with him.

My wallet went missing for a little bit this morning. I asked my son if he had seen it anywhere. His face fell, he said, "Mom, I really need for you to find your wallet. This is the first time I have spent the night here in a long time and I don't want to leave and it still be gone". I told him I was sure that it was in the house and I must have misplaced it. Actually, I hate to say that my first thought was that he took it. Old habits.

I found it pretty quickly and let him know. He was relieved. I told him that I take precautions when he is there and usually lock my stuff up. I let him know that those precautions were for both of us. So he isn't tempted and I don't have to be suspicious. Last night we ordered a pizza and I was afraid that I left it out, but I had put it in my bedroom in a drawer.

He apologized for sleeping all day yesterday. I told him it was okay, that his body must have needed to rest. He thanked me for letting him be here. He said he was afraid that this weekend would have been really bad if he had been there alone. I didn't press for details.

He started getting anxious and I told him that we would head back to his place as soon as I got my shower. When I came out of my bedroom he was sitting in a chair with his laundry basket at his feet. We loaded the car with some groceries that I bought for him and his clothes and I took him to his apartment. Part of me wanted to just keep him here. I know that wouldn't be good for either of us.  After we unloaded the car he gave me a big hug and thanked me again for letting him come here. I told him that I love him and that I would see him soon.

He took the left over biscuits with him. I hope when he eats one he will think about how much his mom loves him.

Saturday, November 2, 2013

Son spent the night here

My son sent a text asking to spend the weekend at our house. He said he is sober, that I can take his phone and that he won't get one the Internet or leave the house. He offered to cook, clean, do any chores that I thought he should do if only he could come here and do his laundry and sleep in a good bed. He doesn't have a bed in his apartment and has been sleeping on a sofa that was given to him by a friend. He is out of food.

He said that he is missing his family and that he has cut off contact with people he was hanging out with to get high. Since he doesn't have a job he doesn't even have that contact with folks. I love him and I miss him and I felt sorry for him.

I told him that there was no alcohol in the house and that there never is when we are taking care of the grand babies. He was okay with that.

I let him come here last night. He cooked for me, brought my food to me an a nicely presented plate. Obviously he is learning a lot working for the various chefs he has worked for. He ate too. Then his brother and sister-in-law brought my granddaughter over for the night. My son played with her and made her laugh. He even held her while I got ready for bed. He was very pleasant to be with.

His thin, more thin than I ever remember him being. He brought some of his clothes home to wash. I picked up a t-shirt that had soot and blood all over it. That about brought me to my knees. If my granddaughter hadn't been here I am sure it would have.

He has been asleep all day. He got up once to say that he hasn't slept this long in awhile. Meth will do that to you. I told him to go ahead and stay again tonight. I still have his phone and will take the computer to my room before I go to bed.

Did I mess up? Will he make me pay later? I don't know. But for now he is safe and asleep. He ate well yesterday and can again today. I will take him back to his apartment in the morning. I just hope a couple of days at "home" safe from the world helps. If it doesn't at least I can say I did my best.

Hope you all are having a good weekend.