I have been having an internal debate for the past week. My parents are coming into town because my dad is having a procedure done at a local hospital. They live in a small community 3 hours away from me.
My parents want to see their grandkids and greatgrandkids while they are here on Sunday afternoon. I have invited my older son and his wife to bring my granddaughter over, I have permission from my grandson's mom to come pick him up Sunday morning and my daughter has the day off and plans to come spend the afternoon.
The deliema I have been having is, do I tell my middle son that his grandparents are coming and that his son will be at my house on Sunday? This will likely mean that I would have to drive 30 minutes to pick him up, hope that he is sober then drive 30 minutes back home. While he is there I will feel like I have to watch over him the whole time to make sure he doesn't get high at my house. Then I will have to drive him back to where he is staying after the visit.
I'm not sure that I am up for all of that. On the other hand, the procedure my dad is having involves his heart and he doesn't always spring back well from those types of procedures. My son and dad were really close at one point. Do I deprive them both of the opportunity to visit because I don't want to put out the effort to make it happen?
I could tell my son that everyone will be at the house and if he can find a ride to and from our home, can be sober and civil while he is there that he is welcome to come over for a few hours.
I guess the good thing is that I don't have to decide right now.
Happy Friday everyone!
UPDATE: The decision has been made very obvious. I just heard from the woman he was staying with and he is back on the street. I'm not even sure how I would get in touch with him if I needed to. She said that she saw him yesterday and he was obviously high as were the other guys he was with. I just pray that he is able to stay safe.
Friday, June 28, 2013
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
More of the same
My son sent a message on FB to me and my husband at 2 a.m. on Sunday morning saying that he needed to talk to us about a "good opportunity" that has been made available to him. I responded (much later that morning) that I hoped that whatever it is works out for him.
He responded later in the day not by telling us what the opportunity was but rather to beg us to loan him some money. He went into a long narrative about how he knows he owes us money already but that when his final annuity check come in October that he would pay us back.
He said that we have always told him we would help him if he is trying to help himself. Which we have always done. At this point however, he is still drinking and if he were honest he is probably doing other drugs as well. He doesn't have a job, he lost the one at the restaurant after about 3 weeks. He got one paycheck and I guess his final one. He doesn't have a place of his own to live. The only money he gets is from mowing yards (he says).
Then he played the guilt card, he doesn't want to end up living in a homeless shelter.
Neither of us responded to him. Of course we don't want him living in a homeless shelter either but we didn't make the poor decisions that he has made over and over again.
The woman whose home he is living in contacted my husband and said that our son is really upset about his grandfather dying. She was shocked to hear that his grandfather is not dead. She asked why our son would say that he was when it wasn't true. My husband told her that our son is easy to love but not so easy to live with and that is just how he is.
I would guess that she was threatening to make him leave so he made up a story.
I don't know what is going to happen with him this time. He has been given the tools to get sober and stay sober. He knows how to access treatment if that is what he needs. He knows the steps that he needs to take because he has started down the path before. This time it is up to him to do on his own.
I love my son and I have hope that he will do what he needs to do. Until then I will have to keep a distance from him. I won't bail him out of the situation that he has put himself in.
Praying for yours and for mine.
He responded later in the day not by telling us what the opportunity was but rather to beg us to loan him some money. He went into a long narrative about how he knows he owes us money already but that when his final annuity check come in October that he would pay us back.
He said that we have always told him we would help him if he is trying to help himself. Which we have always done. At this point however, he is still drinking and if he were honest he is probably doing other drugs as well. He doesn't have a job, he lost the one at the restaurant after about 3 weeks. He got one paycheck and I guess his final one. He doesn't have a place of his own to live. The only money he gets is from mowing yards (he says).
Then he played the guilt card, he doesn't want to end up living in a homeless shelter.
Neither of us responded to him. Of course we don't want him living in a homeless shelter either but we didn't make the poor decisions that he has made over and over again.
The woman whose home he is living in contacted my husband and said that our son is really upset about his grandfather dying. She was shocked to hear that his grandfather is not dead. She asked why our son would say that he was when it wasn't true. My husband told her that our son is easy to love but not so easy to live with and that is just how he is.
I would guess that she was threatening to make him leave so he made up a story.
I don't know what is going to happen with him this time. He has been given the tools to get sober and stay sober. He knows how to access treatment if that is what he needs. He knows the steps that he needs to take because he has started down the path before. This time it is up to him to do on his own.
I love my son and I have hope that he will do what he needs to do. Until then I will have to keep a distance from him. I won't bail him out of the situation that he has put himself in.
Praying for yours and for mine.
Thursday, June 20, 2013
Life Marches On
First of all let me tell you that my husband and I a great date a few weekends ago. As much as we have gone through with our addicted son and just day to day life it is amazing that we have managed to get this far in our marriage. We are committed at this point to working things out because we want to fulfill all the dreams we had as a young couple.
Father's day was bittersweet. My gift to my husband was to give him a day that he didn't have to answer to anyone and just do what he wanted to do. We had my older son, his wife and our new granddaughter to the house to swim and play with the grandson on Saturday. We grilled burgers and played outside all afternoon. It was a good day.
On Sunday, I took the grandson to visit his daddy and took them both to the zoo. We were had a great time. I had fun watching my son enjoy his son. The plan was to let them hang out then I would take my son and then my grandson home early afternoon and spend the rest of the day with my husband.
My father-in-law called my husband and wanted to come to the house so that he could see all the kids and grand kids. They really never had much of a relationship and even now it is strained. Instead of telling his dad that he already had plans for the day he told him to come on over. This meant we had to rally the kids.
It turned into a pretty stressful afternoon. My son thought it would be okay for him to spend the night since it was later in the afternoon before everyone left. He was hurt when we told him that he couldn't and that I would be driving him back to the place he is staying.
On Saturday, I got a letter in the mail saying that my recent mammogram had some irregularities and that I need to schedule a re-check. I was just a little freaked by this. I have a close co-worker who battled breast cancer a couple of years ago and another co-worker who had a double mastectomy about a year ago. Both of them a bit younger than me. I have no family history, have had children and breast fed nor have I ever been a smoker. I knew the odds were in my favor. Still, none of us want to get that letter in the mail.
The good news is that I found out today after a 3 hour visit for a re-check that there is nothing to be concerned about. I don't know that I could have carried that stress with me too, so thank you God!
I have you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Father's day was bittersweet. My gift to my husband was to give him a day that he didn't have to answer to anyone and just do what he wanted to do. We had my older son, his wife and our new granddaughter to the house to swim and play with the grandson on Saturday. We grilled burgers and played outside all afternoon. It was a good day.
On Sunday, I took the grandson to visit his daddy and took them both to the zoo. We were had a great time. I had fun watching my son enjoy his son. The plan was to let them hang out then I would take my son and then my grandson home early afternoon and spend the rest of the day with my husband.
My father-in-law called my husband and wanted to come to the house so that he could see all the kids and grand kids. They really never had much of a relationship and even now it is strained. Instead of telling his dad that he already had plans for the day he told him to come on over. This meant we had to rally the kids.
It turned into a pretty stressful afternoon. My son thought it would be okay for him to spend the night since it was later in the afternoon before everyone left. He was hurt when we told him that he couldn't and that I would be driving him back to the place he is staying.
On Saturday, I got a letter in the mail saying that my recent mammogram had some irregularities and that I need to schedule a re-check. I was just a little freaked by this. I have a close co-worker who battled breast cancer a couple of years ago and another co-worker who had a double mastectomy about a year ago. Both of them a bit younger than me. I have no family history, have had children and breast fed nor have I ever been a smoker. I knew the odds were in my favor. Still, none of us want to get that letter in the mail.
The good news is that I found out today after a 3 hour visit for a re-check that there is nothing to be concerned about. I don't know that I could have carried that stress with me too, so thank you God!
I have you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Thursday, June 13, 2013
Reading Assignments
I mentioned in a previous post that my new therapist suggested that I re-read Co-Dependent No More. I don't know how many times I have read it in the past but this time is different. In the past I read it trying to figure out how to deal with my addicted son this time I am trying to figure out how to take care of me.
I have been reading and taking notes. It is a totally different read this time. I see ME all over the pages instead of me trying to deal with my son. This is such a new way of thinking for me.
I would suggest all of POAs re-read it with only our health in mind.
I have been reading and taking notes. It is a totally different read this time. I see ME all over the pages instead of me trying to deal with my son. This is such a new way of thinking for me.
I would suggest all of POAs re-read it with only our health in mind.
Friday, June 7, 2013
His Day
My son called (yes, actually called) yesterday to see what my plans were for having his son at my house for Father's Day next week. I told him that my plans were to have him at my house Friday and Saturday nights and take him to his mom on Sunday because they are going to a birthday party later that day.
He reminded me that Father's Day was his day and that it is "not okay" that they have planned to go to a birthday party. It irritates me a little that this is the one thing he claims out of the whole divorce decree. It also says that he is supposed to visit every first weekend of the month and that he is supposed to pay child support every week. Those two things sort of get muddied in his brain.
It also irritates me that he would deprive his son of a birthday party after not making efforts to see him or talk to him for a couple of weeks now. I told him he would have to make arrangements with my grandson's mom and that it wasn't my place to say anything to her about it.
The divorce decree says that he is to visit with his son at my house under my supervision (or my husband's if here were there). It doesn't say that I have to provide meals, a place to sleep or transportation. He doesn't seem to understand that.
Oh well, I am just venting a little. I know he is an addict and this is just the way his mind works. It is all about him.
I will continue with my plans for that weekend. If he can work something out with his ex-wife then I will supervise a visit for the specified amount of time. If not, no skin of my nose.
Have a good weekend. My husband and I have a date Saturday night. I am actually worried about what to wear! Maybe we will get our spark back after all.
He reminded me that Father's Day was his day and that it is "not okay" that they have planned to go to a birthday party. It irritates me a little that this is the one thing he claims out of the whole divorce decree. It also says that he is supposed to visit every first weekend of the month and that he is supposed to pay child support every week. Those two things sort of get muddied in his brain.
It also irritates me that he would deprive his son of a birthday party after not making efforts to see him or talk to him for a couple of weeks now. I told him he would have to make arrangements with my grandson's mom and that it wasn't my place to say anything to her about it.
The divorce decree says that he is to visit with his son at my house under my supervision (or my husband's if here were there). It doesn't say that I have to provide meals, a place to sleep or transportation. He doesn't seem to understand that.
Oh well, I am just venting a little. I know he is an addict and this is just the way his mind works. It is all about him.
I will continue with my plans for that weekend. If he can work something out with his ex-wife then I will supervise a visit for the specified amount of time. If not, no skin of my nose.
Have a good weekend. My husband and I have a date Saturday night. I am actually worried about what to wear! Maybe we will get our spark back after all.
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
My journey begins
I met with my new therapist yesterday and she was great. I was there an hour and hardly realized it.
She asked me if I was familiar with the terms enabler and co-dependency. I told her that my picture is probably in the dictionary next to both words to which she replied, "I expect it is".
We are going to start really focusing on me. Not my marriage, not my kids, just me. That is a strange feeling because I have never put any focus on me and my health.
I told her that for the first time in my life I don't have anyone to take care of. She said maybe it was my turn to take care of myself. Maybe she is right.
I know this will be hard work but I am excited to start.
She asked me if I was familiar with the terms enabler and co-dependency. I told her that my picture is probably in the dictionary next to both words to which she replied, "I expect it is".
We are going to start really focusing on me. Not my marriage, not my kids, just me. That is a strange feeling because I have never put any focus on me and my health.
I told her that for the first time in my life I don't have anyone to take care of. She said maybe it was my turn to take care of myself. Maybe she is right.
I know this will be hard work but I am excited to start.
Monday, June 3, 2013
Living a Day at a Time
I still haven't heard anything from my son. I did see that he responded to a post on his Facebook page on Saturday so I know he was among the living then.
My mom sent a text to me on Sunday asking if I had heard anything from him because he had been on her mind lately. I hated to tell her that I hadn't. I think she still feels guilty for not allowing him to come back to her house after he relapsed during a visit with some friends in this part of the state. I have tried to give her permission to let it go. I know that she will in her own time.
My husband and I had a date this weekend. We went to a music event that we both enjoy every year. He was able to play music with some very talented folks and it was great to see him in his element. We are going to start marriage counseling this week and I start individual counseling again today.
We have been married since we were 19 years old and have been through a lot of trials during these past 30 years. The last 10 dealing with an addict has been the most difficult. We haven't always been on the same page when it came to dealing with it and that caused a lot of friction along the way. I think that most couple go through that.
My personality is that I tried to fix it. My husband tends to remove himself from the situation. Sometimes that meant he stayed out until "all was clear" other times he immersed himself in his writing and music and never really involved himself in the daily crap. He would ask his friends for advice, I went to meetings and read everything I could get my hands on about addiction. I developed contracts and case plans. But without my husband's backing they did no good.
Anyway, I am trying to put the past aside and just move through this day with as much grace and sanity I can muster.
I will continue to pray for my son and will continue to have hope for recovery for him.
My mom sent a text to me on Sunday asking if I had heard anything from him because he had been on her mind lately. I hated to tell her that I hadn't. I think she still feels guilty for not allowing him to come back to her house after he relapsed during a visit with some friends in this part of the state. I have tried to give her permission to let it go. I know that she will in her own time.
My husband and I had a date this weekend. We went to a music event that we both enjoy every year. He was able to play music with some very talented folks and it was great to see him in his element. We are going to start marriage counseling this week and I start individual counseling again today.
We have been married since we were 19 years old and have been through a lot of trials during these past 30 years. The last 10 dealing with an addict has been the most difficult. We haven't always been on the same page when it came to dealing with it and that caused a lot of friction along the way. I think that most couple go through that.
My personality is that I tried to fix it. My husband tends to remove himself from the situation. Sometimes that meant he stayed out until "all was clear" other times he immersed himself in his writing and music and never really involved himself in the daily crap. He would ask his friends for advice, I went to meetings and read everything I could get my hands on about addiction. I developed contracts and case plans. But without my husband's backing they did no good.
Anyway, I am trying to put the past aside and just move through this day with as much grace and sanity I can muster.
I will continue to pray for my son and will continue to have hope for recovery for him.
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