Self Talk

I have been doing a lot of that lately. My son's eventually ex-wife is talking about moving our grandson and herself in with her boyfriend of 3 months and his 5 roomates who live 4 hours away. This is making me sick to my stomach. They spent Thanksgiving there. I want to jump in, hire an attorney and FIX this mess.

I don't feel like my grandson will be in any physical danger and I am sure that I will continue to have some contact with him. I just don't like the idea of my grandson being raised in an environment like that.

If there was a divorce then some things could be spelled out in a court order but neither of them can afford a divorce and it is very difficult in my state to file for one independently. I have thought about paying for it but I know my son is going to contest it unless there are certain things in the order and I can't afford to pay for each of them to have an attorney and as I keep telling my self, "It is really not my business to take care of". "Really, it is not my business to take care of". But....

ERRRRRGH!

Bright Eyes

At least they were brighter than they were the last time I saw them. I'm talking about my son's beautiful blue eyes that have been blood shot and grey for longest time now. He has been sober for two weeks now. He is still in rehab. He is depressed and wasn't very talkative at first. The first hour of the visit was pretty hard to get through.

I started telling a story about his brother's dog that none of us really like. Before I knew it we all three were laughing. Then we started talking about his son and that made him laugh too. The visit ended on a pretty good note.

I am wondering if it is typical that my son should see himself as different, better somehow than the rest of the people there? There may have been some socioeconomic difference and perhaps some difference in educational experience. Still, he is an addict just like them. I hope he realizes this at some point.

Praying for peace for us all tonight.

Counting My Blessings

Tomorrow will be a different kind of Thanksgiving than we have ever celebrated in our  home. My older son and his wife will be with her family, my son is in rehab and his son - my grandson will be with his mom. It will just be my husband, my daughter and me. At one point I thought about just blowing the day off, staying in my PJs all day and doing pretty much nothing.

At some point in the last week I stopped and really began to count my blessings and realize all the things that I have to be thankful for. Number one this year is that MY SON IS IN REHAB! I know where he is and I know that he is safe. He is alive and there is hope that he will get the tools he needs to be healthy and sober this time next year. I will see my older son and his wife on Saturday. My grandson spent the night with me last night and I took off from work today to play with him until his mom gets off work. I will have a relaxing day tomorrow with my husband and my daughter. I have my health and my sanity is still intact (pretty much anyway).

I will prepare our traditional Thanksgiving feast and we will enjoy it for the next few days. I will bow my head in a prayer of Thanksgiving for the gifts I have been given this year. When I stop and have a quiet moment I realize that there are many more than I could ever list.

I am a truly blessed woman.

Praying for mine and yours. Hoping that we all have a peace filled Thanksgiving day.

He's there, again!

Well, we dropped him....again. This time his dad and both took him. We were able to take him to the front entrance instead of the crisis entrance. His counselor was there to greet us. He shook my hand and said he was glad that we were able to get him back there. I told him it took a song and a dance but we managed to get it done.

My son gave me the biggest hug he has given me in months before we left. This past weekend he wouldn't let me touch him and seemed like he would rather not be near me at all. He seemed relieved to be there. I am relieved that he is there.

I am hoping for a good night of sleep tonight. This weekend was painful for us all. He could have walked out at any time and gotten high but he chose not to. I am cautiously hopeful that this is it.

Ironically, the other two rehabs called after we dropped him off. Could it be a sign?

Praying for us all tonight!

Thank You God!

Those were the first words out of my mouth when I spoke to my husband on the phone earlier this morning.

After my husband made a phone call to a friend of his family who happens to be on the board of the facility my son was released from last week and after that friend made a phone call or two, we were contacted by the director and the assistant director of the facility this morning to say that we could bring our son back today! Did I mention that the friend of the the family is also a state senator and that we went to school with his younger brother? Some days having grown up in a small, rural area has its perks.

We are not the type of family that would ordinarily call for any kind favor but our son's life is literally at stake here. All pride gets put away in these situations. After they released him on Thursday and we could not even get a call back from the director we started playing the "Who do you know?" game. It was worth a shot and this time it worked!

We are on call as to when to bring him in. I am glad that I decided to work from home today!

Prayers for us all today.

Rose colored glasses

My son is sitting in the living room with his dad listening to music on Austin City Limits. This is something that they both enjoy. I've head some discussion, some laughter, some debate. I wish I could close my eyes and pretend that this is every Sunday night at our house.

Bless you all. Praying for ours tonight.

Here is where we are

My son is on the waiting list for a treatment center within our catchment area. He has been promised a bed within the 5-15 business days. Possibly sooner. The catch is that he has to be drug free when they call him to come in. I'm really not sure he is going to make it. I pray that he will.

He asked me last night if he could go out. I reminded him that our agreement was that he would not leave or have company but that I wasn't a prison warden and if wanted to leave he was welcomed to. He would need to take all of his stuff with him and he would not be allowed to come back and that he could handle getting into treatment on his own. I also told him that he would be responsible for paying the $$$ that they are asking for up front. As my grandad would say, "Boy Howdy!" he didn't like that response at all.

So, you all know what happened for the next several minutes. He became a raging bull. Snorting and stomping. I invited him to leave again and told him that he didn't have to go through all of this because I wasn't going to stop him if he wanted to leave but that  he would not be allowed back in the house if he broke our agreement. He stomped back to the room he is sleeping in and calmed down.

Another condition was that he was to have no access to a phone. We don't have a land line anymore. Everyone has a cell phone including my son. When he went to detox he removed the SIM card from his phone and he told me he threw it away. Guess what? He lied! I am shocked! Shocked I tell you! (eye roll inserted here). I woke up last night, as I tend to do when he is in the house, and made sure the doors were all locked. He was outside on the phone. I told him to come inside because I want the doors locked when I am in bed and then I went on-line and deactivated his phone which I should have done a long time ago.

I know that the veteran's of dealing with an addicted child would say that he really should not be in my house at all. I agree, he shouldn't. I am ready for him not to be. We feel like we need to give him this shot since he initiated treatment in the beginning and it is not his fault that he picked the wrong facility. I know that I can't keep him sober. He may have already used as far as I know. The consequence of that will be he won't get into the next place and we will be forced to drop him off at a shelter and drive away.

I am praying that he gets the call sooner than later. For all of our sakes.

Hopelessness

You know, after dealing with treatment providers for the past week, I can see how an addict would begin to feel really hopeless about ever getting help. You would think as a society that we would be thankful and welcoming to addicts when they finally hit that point and asked for help. I don't know how it is everywhere but in my state it is like running an obstacle course. There seems to be barriers everywhere you turn. It is frustrating for my husband and me and we are both college educated, professional people with good communication skills. Think about an addict that has had their brain muddied by drugs for months and years. How in the world does an addict get help if they don't have an advocate helping to decipher everything?

Unless you are ready to write the $30,000 check, which we cannot, you are basically beholden to whoever happens to answer the phone. If anyone answers at all.

He is on two waiting lists now. One place wants him to go through "observational detox". He just spent 6 days in a detox unit!

Anyway, like I said last night. We are hanging in there. We aren't giving up. I hope my son doesn't either.

Back to square one!

Someone figured out that he lives outside of the "catchment area" after promising that he could stay there for 90 days. He had to leave today. Dad brought him to our house after we checked out a couple of places within our "catchment area". He can get into one of those within the next 14 days. He is already driving me crazy. He is pacing from the backroom to the living area. Looking mean at us. We told him while he is here no phone, no computer, no company and if we aren't here he has to be with one of us. Over kill? Probably. He can't get into either of the other places if he has used. Ya'll know the story. I am worried that he is going to feel the need to get out if he doesn't have a plan soon.

Hanging in there! Praying for peace for all of us.

If Nothing Changes, nothing changes

I am fixer by nature. I am the oldest of 6 children and was the primary caretaker for the younger 3 for most of their childhood's. My mom went back to earn a nursing degree full-time when I was 12 and she worked two part-time jobs. My dad worked nights driving a truck. So, it was just me and 5 siblings at home most of the time.

I got married at 19 to the man I am still married to. He is an only child from a highly dysfunctional family. Guess what? He needed me and I thought I had the power to help fix all the hurts that he ever endured.

My career is in the field of social work, go figure! In the beginning I worked with kids and families that needed fixing! Hey, that is my specialty! I was good at my job and was able to lead families to the services that they needed so that their lives could be better. Now I work with the juvenile and family court system as guess what? Yep, a court fixer. I work with judges and attorneys to develop better ways of working with families that are involved our court systems.

When I first realized my son had a problem with drugs I set out to fix him too. I always jumped into case worker mode with him. I would build a case plan, find the proper service provider for him, involve the court if necessary. I can still feel that emotion that I had when I would pull my imaginary Super Woman cape out of my imaginary backpack and begin the work of fixing my son.

I was so full of myself. I thought had the skills to make it all better for him. I took control of every situation that resulted from his drug use. I could fix this!

Today I still fall into that pattern of trying to fix things. I am much quicker to catch myself than I used to be. I realize today that my attempts at fixing things for my son probably caused more damage in the long run. He never developed his own skills for handling problems. Why should he? I took that job on for him.

I am learning everyday where my boundaries need to be. I am trying to replace my Super Woman cape with a force field that I can activate anytime I feel the need to fix someone. Maybe it would be better if I had a self-activating force field. Now that's an idea.

I am working on changing me and working on my own recovery. It is a daily process and I give myself permission to screw up occasionally. My relapses are shorter today than they were even a month ago. I am thankful for my blogging community that pulls me back to earth when I do pull that worn and tattered cape out of the backpack.

Praying for peace for our kids and for us.

Here I am Banging my Head Against the Wall

My son called his eventually to be ex-wife tonight about having visits with his son at the rehab. I told him not to do that earlier in the day because it is too early to start that conversation. ARRRRRRRGH!
She is not comfortable with him going to the rehab to visit, she wants to visit the place first. He can't go 90 days without seeing his son, blah, blah,blah, blah,blah! Dammit! I told him if he left he is on his own because we won't let him come back here, we won't take calls from him. He received a gift today and if he really wants to be part of his son's life he needs to take advantage of what he has been given. I told that he has to prove he is dedicated to recovery before she is going to feel comfortable having the baby visit there and that right now all he is to her is a junkie in rehab. He claimed I called him a junkie in rehab and told me he needed to hang up. WELL.....he is a junkie in rehab. ARRRRRRGH! Dammit.....................How do you go from hot to cold so quickly???? I think it might be a good idea if I don't talk to him for a few days and that anything about his wife or baby he needs to discuss with his counselor.

Hey Ron! It is not my job to figure this shit out....Right!

AAAARRRRGH! Dammit!

This seems appropriate

Good News!

When I wrote last night I was not sure how we were going to pay for the treatment program for my son. He is in a state funded not for profit facility but we live outside the catchment area (10 miles). Their policy is to save the sliding scale fee beds for the folks within the catchment area. The only way they allow someone else to have one of those beds is if they get a referral from law enforcement, the court or another care provider, or in our case an angel.

I called this morning to find out about his progress and his counselor told me that they were moving him today and that he was being admitted to their 90 day program. The nurse that admitted him on Saturday wrote a referral stating that in her opinion he needs to stay there and that he should be admitted and charged based on his ability to pay, which right now is nada. She will always be considered an angel in my mind. I need to send her a card (mental note, send Nurse Toni a card) to thank her for taking the time to care about my kid.

We would have found a way to come up with the money as I am sure you all have. It was a fairly nominal amount for a 30 day program but still a nice chunk of change. But to hear this morning that he can stay for 90 days, what a wonderful gift his is being offered. I pray that he takes his time unwrapping it so that he can savor and appreciate every bit of it.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. Continue to pray for mine as I continue to pray for yours.

He's Got a Long Way to Go!

Saw my son briefly this evening. This has got to be the toughest detox for him yet. 5 days since he used and he is still barely coherent. He is getting Valium every 12 hours but I thought he would be more clear. Still it was good to see him. He is supposed to move to the residential program tomorrow. He hasn't been asking questions about the process and we haven't spoken to anyone about it. He signed a release so that we can talk to his care providers which we will do in the morning. This facility is for dual diagnosed patients and they have psychiatrists on staff. Hopefully they will address his depression and anxiety issues while he is there.

The good thing is he is planning to stay and is even looking a little further down the road at transitional living after the 30 day period is over.

I asked him tonight why he decided it was time to go to rehab and he said that the morning before he made the call he found himself at some woman's house. He didn't know her, didn't know where he was and didn't remember how he got there. He walked into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror and thought to himself, "This is how I am going to die". He came to our home Friday night and saw his son and decided he didn't want to die. I don't know if this is true but does it matter? He is in a treatment program that he decided to go to without nagging or pressure from us.

I think I will sleep well tonight.

Peace to you all.

Question?

It is likely my son will be in rehab during the holidays (thank you God!). How do I keep the holidays happy? Is it even my job? My older son and his wife will be here as well as my 19 year old daughter. My grandson will be with his mom and her new boyfriend (I won't comment on that).

Thanks for any suggestions here.

Praying for peace for us all.

He's There!

Probably the first time he has every spent the night city he is in. They have him on some meds to make the withdrawl less painful. I have watched him withdraw without meds so many times over the last 5 years. I am glad I don't have to watch this one. His dad talked to him tonight, I opted out and just sent my love via Dad.

I am so tired. I just want to sleep and sleep.

I am hopeful but not clueless. I know that this might not be the time it happens but I am praying that it is.

He is safe tonight and that gives me a sense of peace.

Praying for yours and mine tonight. Hopefully tomorrow is as productive as today.

Peace filled wishes for us all.

Headed that way

He got in the car.

This could be it!

My son called a rehab tonight. I heard part of the call, he has been doing every opiate known. I heard him say he was doing heroin as his first choice, then anything along those lines when he couldn't get it. He can get in  tomorrow at 10:30 a.m. All they can promise is detox, he needs much more than that. Where do you find much more than that? His dad is going to take him

He told me that if he could find a way to kill himself he would. I am sorry that he feels so bad.

His son is here. They had some fun. He rocked him to sleep. I am afraid this might be the last night that they are together. I don't know why but that thought is there.

Hopeful and apprehensive tonight. Prayers for us all.

Some days are harder than others and this has been one of those days

Today was a really busy one for me otherwise I would have probably spent it doing what I am doing now. Crying.........I tell my daughter that all crying does is give you a stuffy nose! Lol

This morning started with my son trying to spend the day at my house because he has no place else to be. I am on my way out of town for work at the time and was trying to get things at the house situated before leaving. I told him he could not stay at my house but that I would take him to McDonald's or the library to sit. "This is fucked up!" My response was, "I agree, and you are the one who fucked it up!"

He tried a lot of his usual tactics. I told him that those tactics used to work but they don't anymore. He became more and more agitated, made veiled suicide threats, whined because some other man is going to be the dad to his son, blamed, whined some more, then demanded that I take him to rehab! I told him he had the numbers if he could get into one I'd make sure he had a ride. Of course he didn't rush to do that.

I gave him a ride into town and planned to take him to the library to sit until he could figure something else out. He demanded I stop in the middle of the rode and let him out so I did. I went on about my business, got home late from work now that I have slowed down I'm having a hard time.

Tomorrow will be better. I think I am going to say my prayers and go to bed. Tomorrow is another busy day at work. I have to spend the night out of town. That might be a nice break.

I'll say a prayer for your's while I am praying for mine.

May we all find the peace we all deserve.

Self-Preservation

My heart is hurting today. Funny how stuff comes at you when you least expect it to. I had to tell my son not to call me until he decides to get into treatment. I felt pretty good about that and slept very well last night (I turned my phone off just in case). I know I will feel better later on but right now I just feel sad. I guess they call that feeling grief.

Ron suggested that when he stopped trying to "fix" his son that he got to the point that he felt more part of the solution than enmeshed in the problem. Those were not exactly the word he used but close. I feel like by not allowing my son to be in my house, eat my food, have access to my computer and not allowing him to contact me by phone that I am making it a little harder for him to continue to have those basic comforts and continue to use drugs.

Praying that we all are able to have a peace filled weekend and that our kids find their own brand of peace as well.

Just For Today

Son -"I might as well check myself into a rehab"
Me - "You need to make some phone calls then"
Son - "It is only because I have no where to live"
Me - "So drugs have nothing to do with having no where to live?"
Son - "No"
Me - "Okay"
Son - "Hummmph"
Me - "I'll drive you to whichever one will take you"
Son - "Why can't I stay with you until I get a job and get back on my feet"
Me - "Because I love you and I know that this has never worked in the past"
Son-........................
Me- "Let me know what you find out"

At first I thought he had come to a realization that drugs were causing problems. Right now it is not the drugs, it is the employer who doesn't understand and is not tolerant when you are late coming to work or the landlord that won't let you live there for free or the guys that I am staying with that take the rent money I have paid them and partied with it. Nope, drugs have nothing to do with his current situation.

Just for today I will hold my ground. Tomorrow hopefully it will be easier to do than today.

Praying for peace for our kids and for us.

It Was Bound to Happen....then it did

My son called this morning and guess what!? He was fired from his job yesterday AND he and his friends are being evicted from the place they have been staying AND he didn't pay rent at the apartment he has managed to keep until now. I told him that living with us is not an option and that he needed to try and work something out with the landlord at his apartment because if he doesn't he is homeless.

I have read the blogs of other POAs so when I he told me all  this I almost chuckled....almost. There was no shock, no disappointment, no knee jerk reaction that meant I should be fixing this problem for him. Of course this happened. He is an addict who is not in recovery and this is a natural course for addicts. Every blog that I read tells this story in some fashion or the other.

I'm thinking that if he doesn't have a job and no place to live this would be the ideal time for him to get into rehab. I may suggest that to him when he tries to whine about having no place to live. Think he will take me up on it?

Praying for peace for us all today.