I am fixer by nature. I am the oldest of 6 children and was the primary caretaker for the younger 3 for most of their childhood's. My mom went back to earn a nursing degree full-time when I was 12 and she worked two part-time jobs. My dad worked nights driving a truck. So, it was just me and 5 siblings at home most of the time. I got married at 19 to the man I am still married to. He is an only child from a highly dysfunctional family. Guess what? He needed me and I thought I had the power to help fix all the hurts that he ever endured.
My career is in the field of social work, go figure! In the beginning I worked with kids and families that needed fixing! Hey, that is my specialty! I was good at my job and was able to lead families to the services that they needed so that their lives could be better. Now I work with the juvenile and family court system as guess what? Yep, a court fixer. I work with judges and attorneys to develop better ways of working with families that are involved our court systems.
When I first realized my son had a problem with drugs I set out to fix him too. I always jumped into case worker mode with him. I would build a case plan, find the proper service provider for him, involve the court if necessary. I can still feel that emotion that I had when I would pull my imaginary Super Woman cape out of my imaginary backpack and begin the work of fixing my son.
I was so full of myself. I thought had the skills to make it all better for him. I took control of every situation that resulted from his drug use. I could fix this!
Today I still fall into that pattern of trying to fix things. I am much quicker to catch myself than I used to be. I realize today that my attempts at fixing things for my son probably caused more damage in the long run. He never developed his own skills for handling problems. Why should he? I took that job on for him.
I am learning everyday where my boundaries need to be. I am trying to replace my Super Woman cape with a force field that I can activate anytime I feel the need to fix someone. Maybe it would be better if I had a self-activating force field. Now that's an idea.
I am working on changing me and working on my own recovery. It is a daily process and I give myself permission to screw up occasionally. My relapses are shorter today than they were even a month ago. I am thankful for my blogging community that pulls me back to earth when I do pull that worn and tattered cape out of the backpack.
Praying for peace for our kids and for us.
Terri,
ReplyDeleteI too am a fixer. I had to learn fixing problem creates its own set of problems. Sometimes we can rob the dignity of our sons by doing what we do best.
Here is what I wrote about that almost a year ago. http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2011/01/working-on-myself.html
Me, too! I am really working to let my son figure out his daily life challenges...and I, too, often regress.....falling back into the fixer mode. It is exhausting, frustrating, and when I do fix, I don't get gratitude from anyone or feel a sense of accomplishment. I do feel 'in control' though...BUT just till the next 'fix' is required. You are so right! It does rob our kids of the ability to problem solve and figure it out on their own.
ReplyDeleteWorking to change!
I have always been the fixer. When anyone in our family had a medical issue or when my inlaws were diagnosed with cancer everyone looked to me to find answers, treatment plans, etc. I couldnt fix cancer and u cannot fix addiction. I am trying to learn how to back off. I am trying to stop being Miss Investigator. I feel the need to call my son out on everything because I hate the lying and the drug seeking and I also can't breathe when I hear him in the bathroom snorting water up his nose. I've asked him to stop doing it. He's responded that he's blowing his nose. Ok. Anyhow I need to stop eating, breathing, and living addiction and glad I have these blogs to help me. I'm dreading the holidays and hope at some point u can enjoy them again. Thanks for sharing your stories!
ReplyDelete