It is likely my son will be in rehab during the holidays (thank you God!). How do I keep the holidays happy? Is it even my job? My older son and his wife will be here as well as my 19 year old daughter. My grandson will be with his mom and her new boyfriend (I won't comment on that).
Thanks for any suggestions here.
Praying for peace for us all.
Terri,
ReplyDeleteIt is YOU that needs to be happy during the holidays and you answered your own question in the third sentence.
Once when mom and I were wallowing in our self pity (that went on a long time) we actually discussed seriously and thought we could actually make sense of this insane situation. We discussed and were completely serious; why does Alex screw up and destroy every single holiday. Private holidays, birthdays, anniversary ranked right up there with national and federal holidays. Every one of them was a disaster and filled with drama and crisis. We were arrogant enough to think we could actually get to the answer, figure out the reason and then do the things to keep it from happening again.
What a cruel joke we were playing on ourselves.
The real answer, Alex was an addict, he used because he that is what addicts do. They use drugs and the the holidays come and go regardless of the the state or condition of our son.
What's it like with an empty chair at the table? What's it like when you smile and and then see a child missing in the family photo?
FYI, read the post on my blog November 24, 2010. In 2010, Thanksgiving was 11/25. http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2010/11/luck-runs-out.html
Last year, (not the first year for this) Alex was not in our home for Thanksgiving, Christmas, my birthday, New Years, his sisters birthday, Easter or any other day for six months. It hurt, but we survived. We missed him but we knew he was safe and most important we knew he was DRUG FREE. (he actually had already stopped using before being sentenced.)
These holiday's coming up are a celebration for you. Where is your son? He is in rehab, he called to be admitted and got into the car on his own two feet and Dad drove him there.
Sometimes it is much easier to tally up what we are missing rather than what we are receiving.
During our holidays last year we did not ignore the fact that Alex was not celebrating with us in person. We celebrated he was clear and sober in 2010. We spoke of him on Christmas morning and it was good. We all knew he was sitting alone in a jail cell but we did not commiserate his situation or wallow in our self pity. We ALL were thankful, clear and sober on Christmas, hadn't been that way for 7 years.
The people that loved Alex and understood his disease did not feel bad for us or him.
Sometimes it can help us when we compare our situation to others. It allows us to feel thankful that at least we aren't them. (humans are a strange breed psychologically) Many parents and children have sons, daughters, mothers and fathers fighting in far off lands and facing death every day. How many parents are entering this holiday season with a child that didn't make it out of this disease? There are hundreds of terrible examples we can list.
Today, it is not a holiday, family is not coming over to dine and celebrate but are you thankful for anything today as it relates to your son? That is what I have learned to appreciate every day.
I am not trying to make it less than what it is, it is hard. But, think of what you have endured up to this point. Rejoice this holiday, your son is in rehab, he is working on himself, you can sleep at night knowing that today he wants the same for himself as you want for him, clear and sober.
Do your best to focus on all the positives, and there are a lot - you KNOW where he is, and he's in a good place. You have the rest of the family there. You'll miss the your grandson, but hopefully you will get some special time with him soon. It ain't easy. Keven hasn't been home for the holidays for three years, although he did get to come home for a few hours last Christmas.
ReplyDeleteI hate when I get whiney! I should be counting my blessings instead of whining about what I don't have. One minute I am praying for recovery for my son and when he reaches out for it I whine because he is going to miss a few family gatherings! If I would be honest with myself he has been absent from family gatherings for years even when his body was there his soul wasn't or as Ron mentioned about his son, his behavior was so crazy that no one was comfortable and enjoying themselves with him there anyway. He is alive and he is in treatment! What more could the mother of an addicted child ask for?
ReplyDeleteMy grandson is at my house a lot and for that I am thankful. He will be with me the weekend after Thanksgiving. My husband and my other 3 children will be with me and I will enjoy their company. To do otherwise would be disrepectful to them and to myself.
Thank you both for not joining me in my pity party.