Sad Stuff

A friend of my daughter's is struggling with opiate addiction. My daughter has distanced herself from this friend because while she loves her she doesn't want to be around her while she is using or high. She has been through enough of that with her brother.

This friend's mom has reached out to me in the past for advice about how to deal with her daughter's addiction. Today she reached out again. She found needles in her daughter's room. She plans to ask her to move out today. She was seeking validation of this decision.

We all know that there are no cut and dry answers that work for every family. What works for one family doesn't necessarily work for another. What I shared with her is that right now her daughter has a warm bed, plenty to eat and a very comfortable place to get high. As long as her mom is putting gas in her car, paying her cell phone bill, paying her rent and buying her groceries that the daughter has nothing to do with her money except buy drugs and stay high. I told her that she should do what she thought she could live with.

We talked about possible scenarios when she tells her to leave, begging, promising not to use, anger, possible violence, or she could just leave.

The last thing I told this mom is that she is not the cause of her daughter's addiction. She didn't teach her to buy drugs, she didn't use drugs with her daughter, she doesn't load the needles for her. Her daughter made the decision to pick up and only her daughter can make the decision to stop.

I also gave her the titles of a couple of blogs that I read. I encouraged her to reach out to other parents who have already walked this path or are still walking it. She needs to know that she is not alone in this nightmare.

You never know who you will see at rehab....

My husband I went for the family group session at the rehab my son is at on Saturday. Both of us feeling a little angry that we are in this spot again. I guess that is not how we should feel but there you go. It was good to see him, he didn't look as bright eyed as I had hoped. In fact he actually looked high to me. He said he had been tested two times since he had been there so I am hoping it was just my imagination. I guess time will tell.

When we walked in the room was full and there were only two seats left together so that is where my husband and I sat. I didn't immediately notice the gentleman and lady sitting just to our right but when I did the man looked very familiar, then I thought to myself, "No way". I was hoping I was wrong but when introductions were made I realized who it was. It was the judge that oversaw my son's juvenile case 7 years ago. A man that I know on a professional basis. He was just elected to a higher court which means he works down the hall from me. I didn't make eye contact with him but both he and his wife looked my direction more than once. I know he must have been mortified. I was embarrassed for him. They were there to see their son who is a couple of years older than mine.

This just goes to show you that addiction is not picky. It will take anyone it can down to hell with it. I will reach out to him next week and let him know that I respect his families right to privacy and that I have no intention of telling anyone that I saw him there.

Geez Louise, this disease is running rampant. Is there anyway to stop it?

He called.

Yesterday I called the counselor that has been assigned to my son and left a message on his voice mail letting him know that we were wondering about how our son is doing. Later in the day my son called. I am always so surprised when I hear him sober after he has been high for several weeks. He always sounds strong and confident. I let it warm my heart for minute before I put my "force field" back up.

He is still talking about going to chem free living when he is discharged from residential. He was worried about coming up with the up front money. I told him that his dad and I would be willing to help with the money if he completes residential and he has a plan when he discharges. The chem free housing is located within walking distance to lots of places he might be able to find employment. This will be essential because he doesn't have a vehicle and currently has a suspended driver's license.

He asked about us coming to visit. Saturday is family group. My husband and I are required to provide documentation that we attended an Al-Anon meeting in order to be allowed to participate, which is something that would probably be helpful to us both. I attended several sessions in the past and it seemed to help me keep things in perspective. Al-Anon also gave me the foundation to build my recovery plan on and I am really not a "group" person.

My son is also eager to see his son. Last time he was in rehab I took the baby every other weekend on Saturday and Sunday. I really went out of my way to make this happen. I'm not sure I am willing to give my time to do that again. 30 days is really not that long. In fact tomorrow he only has 23 days left. I don't know what I will do, I guess I'll let myself decide when the time comes.

Cautiously hopeful. I can't even say cautiously optimistic. I'm not really sure that I am optimistic, just hopeful. For today that will have to do.

Have a good week.

This makes me smile no matter what.

Hope it made you smile too!

Monkey House!

I like saying that! Monkey House! We had a great time. I tried to take pictures but my grandson moved way to fast. He played and then would stop for a minute to say, "I havin' fun Gawanny!". Well worth the 3 hour trip. :-)

My parents sent my son's stuff that he left at their house home with me. His guitar was one of the things. I wonder if he knew that he was going to go on binge and was afraid he would pawn it agin. I don't have any way of knowing this so I am going to let it go.

Hope you all had a good weekend.

Day Two

I haven't heard from my son since dropping him off at the rehab on Wednesday. I was given only a very brief overview of how families can be involved. I guess most important piece of family involvement for the the day was that they ran my debit card before I walked out the door.  I shouldn't be so cynical.

I looked forward to seeing my grand baby all day yesterday and finally got him home, fed, bathed and in bed when.....he got sick, everywhere! Poor little man. He is on a pretty powerful antibiotic for an ear infection and I am guessing that is what caused it. I should have waited and let him eat supper before giving it to him. I gave it to him again this morning after he had his second cup of milk and I assume that he handled it okay because I haven't heard from the daycare or his mom yet.

If all is well at the end of the day he and I are headed to my parents house so that we can attend my  nieces 6th birthday tomorrow. The party will be held at a place call "The Monkey House". That should be fun!

I hope you all have a peace filled weekend.

So Tired!

The social worker from the rehab called this morning to say that everything is a go for my son to come there today. I worked with the hosptial staff to get the dischage taken care ASAP. I was acutally on my way out of the door to go to work when the call came.....sudden change of plans. I am lucky to work where I have leave time and an understanding boss.

I found myself a little irriated to have the "professionals" expalin to me about addiction and procedures. I know it is just because I am tired, normally I let them recite their script and just nod my head. When the person at the rehab explained that if he leaves before the end of treatment there are no refunds, I wanted to scream, "dammit! I know this!"

Anyway, when I was waiting for him to discharge from the hospital he was all giddy. Flirting with the older lady that was detoxing from alcohol and all of the nurses. After we left and he called for directions to the facility we were going to he deflated immediately. "Mom, I am going to be staying in the hood". Again, I wanted to scream, "Better there than dead in a ditch". I just nodded my head. Hell, I have picked him up from places scarier than where I left him today. What did he expect? Celebrity Rehab? Pools, sandy beaches?

I know, really I do. I am just so, so tired of all of this.

I am thankful that he is there. I am hopeful that he will take advantage of what they have to offer and make it his. I know only he can do it. He owns this. All I have left on my to do list is to let him know I love him and I am am very hopeful for him.

I know that I need to take care of me and somehow I will muster the energy to do that. Today I want to sit here and feel sorry for myself for a little while. That's okay isn't it?

Tomorrow I will get up and go to work and fake it until I get it together again. I feel like I am falling apart at the seams right now.

Thank you all for your supportive words. Once again I am not sure how I could get through these times without all of you that really understand what I am dealing with.

Another Trip to the Rodeo

I spoke to the social worker at the hospital my son is at this afternoon. He is being discharged tomorrow. The good news is he has agreed to go to a 30 rehab program. Right now he is talking like he will go to chem free living after he completes the 30 days.

The social worker asked if I had any questions. I really didn't, at least none that I really wanted to know the answers to. I told her that I was surprised that the insurance company paid for as many days has they have. She alluded to the "condition" he was found in after being missing for two days. I know the police found him in a ditch, I really don't want a visual of what that looked like. I have had those nightmares so many times..

His lady friend came by and brought his duffel bag with his stuff last night. I didn't look at it until this morning. There was a pair of shoes, a belt, a man's shirt a pair of shorts, a ladies shirt, a set of twin size sheets with pink flowers on them, and his tourniquet.

He called and asked that I bring his clothes to him this morning. He said he only had one shirt and one sock. I told him what was in his duffel bag. He was quiet after that. I agreed that I would go to Goodwill and pick up a couple of things and drop them off. I told him that I didn't want to see him, and he said he didn't want me to see him right now. While I was there looking for stuff I thought to myself, "How many times have I done this?" I almost broke down in the store.

My husband and I also agreed that we would pay the necessary fee to get him into the rehab. How many times have we done this? How do you put a price on your kid's life? I spent a thousand dollars on a root canal and crown recently to save one tooth, $200 seems to be a very small price to pay for a chance for him to get it together. Maybe this is the time it will happen.

He told me through tears today that he is not doing this for me this time. He is doing it for himself.

That is where it starts, right? They finally find some value in themselves and want to be healthy and part of life.

I am hopeful. I am cautious.

Keep us in your thoughts and prayers.

Like sand through an hour glass..

Calls you get at midnight are usually not good ones and the one I got last night falls into that category. The family that took my son in kicked him out because he stole from them. I am guess medication because the next thing that happened was that the police found him passed out in a ditch on the side of the road. They called an ambulance and he was taken to a nearby hospital.

The call I got at midnight was from the woman that found him passed out in the floor with the needle in his arm. I guess he called her to come and get him from the hospital. She took him to a psych. hospital. She called it rehab but all they will do for him there is let him detox. We have done that gig before.

He called just now and said he didn't want us to visit him there. I told him that I have no intentions of visiting him there.

He insinuated that I should help him by offering financial support because he is "trying" and without help he will never be able to get on his feet. I am about to blow a freaking gasket!

I know that if they are trying to get better that we as parents should support that. Can I support it from afar? I told him words are cheap and until I see some progress on his part that I don't want anything to do with him. Am I wrong? I am just so afraid to get close to it all again. I have no desire to be near him or "it" again. I want him to prove that he really wants something different before I invest anymore time or energy.

A Mom's Intuition is Seldom Wrong

Yesterday was my 49th birthday. I was sad all day but not because of my age. I just had a feeling my gut feelings were right about my son. I didn't even know how right I was.

I wasn't near my phone and missed a couple of calls from a strange number. One message was from my son that said he didn't know what to say. The other was from a friend of his that told me he was safe with her family but that he would have to leave today.

I looked at his FB page today and read a post from a girl (woman) that put him on the street because she caught him passed out on the floor with a needle in his arm. He stole her dad's pills.

I knew in my gut that this is what was going on. I wish it wasn't true, but here we are.

He is going to make some choices soon. All I can do is wait and pray.

Today is my birthday.

Today is my last birthday of my 40's. My grandson woke me up well before daylight so that I could enjoy every minute of it. LOL!!!

I still haven't heard from my boy. This is different than before. He hasn't been on Facebook, hasn't contacted anyone that he usually does, I am just a little worried.

My mom is very sad about the whole thing.  I try to say the right things but I know that she will need to figure it out for herself.

Arrrrgh!

Oh My!

My grandson is here tonight. Usually he wants me to lay down with him before he goes to sleep. Tonight I made his bed and put him in it and tried to lie down with him and he pushed me away and said, "No, Gwanny". I guess a two and half year old is not a tiny baby anymore. :-(

Turned the phone off

I know there has been some debate among parents of POAs about whether to continue to pay for the addicted child's cell phone. I have up to this point.

Yesterday I sent my son a text and told him he had until 8 pm to get the important numbers from his phone because I was deactivating it then. I found out that his contract has also expired so I will be permanently taking it off of my account today.

He is completely on his own this time. I know that if he wants to reach us that he will find a way.

I spoke to my mom this morning to let her know 1st that the new grand daughter that is due at the end of March weighs between 4.5 and 5 pounds and that both baby and mom are doing well and 2nd that I turned the phone off.

She is very sad and doing all that "what if" stuff that all of us POAs have done and sometimes still do. I just let her talk and then reminded her that this was HIS decison not ours and that we have no control over the choices another person makes. I told her to give herself time to be sad but eventually she will come to acceptance.

Addiction just sucks!!

Homeless Again

Apparently he lost his job only a week after getting it. He took what little money he had and went on a binge. He isn't allowed to go back to my parent's home. My mom called me about 30 minutes ago. She was very apologetic. Said they tried everything they could think of.

I told her that I am surprised they didn't boot him out before now and that I know exactly how she is feeling. She said my dad would be walking the floor tonight worried about him. I told her to tell him that I have done enough floor walking for all of us and that there is no need.

She said that she doesn't know what is going to happen to him. I said he will either continue to live this lifestyle, get better or die. It took me years and years to get to this point. I hurt for them. I know they thought they could help.

I hope that they will let themselves off the hook. I never had them on one.

Doing the same old thing gets the same old thing: Regardless of who is doing the doing

When my parents agreed to let my son come and live with them after he left my uncle's house in November I know that they thought they had something to offer my son that no one had offered before. They felt they could offer structure while allowing him to live in a safe place. They thought he was ready to accept what they had to offer and work with them to move him to a better place in life. He played the game very well until his past caught up with him and they found out about his legal issues which included a suspended driver's license. The legal issues made it difficult for him to find work and when he did find a job it is so far away from my parent's home that one of them drives him to and from work. They drive 88 miles a day for him to earn minimum wage for 4 to 5 hours.

My parents are 72 and 69 years old and neither are in great health. They have raised 5 kids and several grandchildren. They have worked their whole lives. They are tired. When I feel a smidge of guilt about what they have tried to do for my son I have to remember that I didn't ask them to take him on and they took him in knowing why he can't live in my house.

My son has taken and taken from them but has not offered anything in return. He has to be reminded to clean up after himself and he huffs up when he is asked to help around the house. He is 24 years old acting like a 14 year old.  There is a lot to do because they live out in the country. There is always something that needs to be done, a fence mended, brush cleared, wood chopped and carried to the house. He gets mad when they tell him that he needs to pay for gas, that he will need to pay them back for the bond they covered for him. They bought a used car for him to drive that he can't drive because he can't get insurance because he has no license.

Exhausting right? We have all been there and done that. I thought I made it very clear over the years what I have been dealing with. I guess you really never know until you are dealing with it yourself.

My son got his first paycheck and took off with some guy that he met when he was "going to college" that one semester. He told my parents at the last minute. He was supposed to go back yesterday so that he can go to work today. He didn't show up. I  haven't heard from him. I know he came back to our part of the state. Money in his pocket, being back in his old stomping ground, transportation. None of this adds up to good.

My parents feel disrespected. They have been. My dad is obsessed with my son. I remember those days. My mom is exhausted and worried about money and my dad. I have been there too.

I appreciate them trying to help. My mom talked to me about my son just using them. I told her that he is, he has a warm place to live, plenty of food, a maid and chauffeur. Why should he make any changes? I suggested it might be time for him to find some place else to live.

She has threatened to drug test him if he shows up. I asked what happens when he tests positive. She said he would have to leave.

Exhausting.....when nothing changes, nothing changes.

Me and the grandbaby

 

 

I love him more than I can say!