One of the worst tortures I think a POA can put themselves through is to look through old photos of our addicted child.
I was looking for a specific photo of an old truck that I took several years ago. It was a pretty cool black and white shot, with FILM, of an old antique truck. My husband wants to use it for a flyer for a poetry reading he is promoting.
To get to those 3 or 4 photos I had to go through hundreds of others. I am not the most organized person, I try sometimes but usually get distracted by something else. Look there goes a puppy......
It is really hard to look at pictures of my son when he was younger and untouched by drugs. I realized tonight that you can really see the progression from innocent little boy to the young teen who is experimenting to eventually the addicted man that he has become. I don't know why I couldn't see it then. It doesn't matter now does it, would it have made a difference then? Maybe, maybe not.
Today, I am just thankful that he chose life again for another 24 hours.
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Monday, March 25, 2013
Shave and a haircut...
I picked my son up from his chem free living facility today during my lunch break to go and get a hair cut. One of the things I don't mind shelling out money for. I hesitated before handing him the $20 to pay for the cut but I didn't want him to have to walk in with his mom and have me pay for it in front of other people. Instead I waited int he parking lot until I saw him walk to a chair.
He looked great and seemed very pleased with himself. He even let them trim his beard up. He accounted for the money, $16 for the haircut and $4 for the tip. It is easy to be a big tipper with someone else's money. Hey, at least he thought to tip her.
I told him that I will come and pick him up on Saturday morning so that he can visit with his son for a few hours. He hasn't seen him in two months. I also told him that his brother and sister-in-law are bringing the new baby to meet him. He said it will be hard for him to be around them and that he had a dream that his sister-in-law wouldn't allow him to hold the baby. I told him that they weren't ashamed of him to which he responded, "I am. I am so embarrassed this time. I haven't really reached out to anyone that I know because I am so ashamed". My heart hurts for him.
He needs to find a job soon and he seems to have a lead on some things. I hope that something pans out for him pretty quickly. He will have to walk or ride the bus to get to and from work so that might limit some options. He seems to be thinking through things and that is good. He is not knee jerk responding as he has in the past.
I am trying hard not to read anything into his words or actions I am just reveling in the fact that today my son is choosing life and for this I am thankful.
He looked great and seemed very pleased with himself. He even let them trim his beard up. He accounted for the money, $16 for the haircut and $4 for the tip. It is easy to be a big tipper with someone else's money. Hey, at least he thought to tip her.
I told him that I will come and pick him up on Saturday morning so that he can visit with his son for a few hours. He hasn't seen him in two months. I also told him that his brother and sister-in-law are bringing the new baby to meet him. He said it will be hard for him to be around them and that he had a dream that his sister-in-law wouldn't allow him to hold the baby. I told him that they weren't ashamed of him to which he responded, "I am. I am so embarrassed this time. I haven't really reached out to anyone that I know because I am so ashamed". My heart hurts for him.
He needs to find a job soon and he seems to have a lead on some things. I hope that something pans out for him pretty quickly. He will have to walk or ride the bus to get to and from work so that might limit some options. He seems to be thinking through things and that is good. He is not knee jerk responding as he has in the past.
I am trying hard not to read anything into his words or actions I am just reveling in the fact that today my son is choosing life and for this I am thankful.
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
That dog won't hunt anymore....
I'm admitting my southern raising with that phrase. It is just another way of saying, "this isn't working with/for me anymore."
My son called today and said he needed money for food. When I asked if they served any meals at the place he is at he said they didn't really, well maybe a sack lunch. And by the way, he needs it to do his laundry because he doesn't have any clean clothes. I told him I would come by during my lunch break.
He was waiting for me when I walked in. I told him that I wouldn't give him money but that I would take him to get some stuff. He sort of deflated at that but he followed me to the car anyway. He asked me why I didn't want to give him money. I just looked at him and said, "I think we both know that answer". He didn't say anything else about that. He did hint that it was going to be hard to get a job if he didn't have a phone. I didn't offer a suggestion about that. Later he told me that he gave my phone number at a couple of places. I told him that I would get in touch with him if I get a call.
When we got to the store I told him to go shop and that I would meet him in about 30 minutes.When I went to look for him I heard his laugh then I heard a familiar voice. I walked past the aisle they were in without looking but I could here them talking about "meetings" and this familiar voice said that he goes to one that is alright and there are a lot of pretty girls there. I walked a few aisles further away. I didn't want to hear anymore of the conversation. At least this guy was talking to him about attending meetings.
He passed the shopping cart off to me and it looked like he was thoughtful about the kinds of stuff that he bought. Nothing extravagant, nothing that needed to be refrigerated, and enough to feed him for the rest of the week if he takes advantage of the two meals they do provide. I found that out by calling a woman that I know who is in recovery and who went through the same program. She also set me straight about giving him money, DON'T DO IT! Maybe 5 bucks to do his laundry once a week but nothing significant. I know this but it was good to be reminded.
He asked me if I had seen his friend that he was talking to in the store. I told him that I hadn't. His friend is one I wrote about a couple of months ago whose parents were very concerned for his safety. The guy is a very talented, good looking young man but he was also lost in the world of heroin addiction. Now, this friend is also in a chem free living facility that is not far from where my son is. I'm not sure this is a good thing, but maybe it is. I don't know, only time will tell.
My son is very sad. It is good that he can feel this sadness instead of putting the balm of heroin on it. I have hope that he will hold on and try to work the program. I have hope he will continue to chose life.
My son called today and said he needed money for food. When I asked if they served any meals at the place he is at he said they didn't really, well maybe a sack lunch. And by the way, he needs it to do his laundry because he doesn't have any clean clothes. I told him I would come by during my lunch break.
He was waiting for me when I walked in. I told him that I wouldn't give him money but that I would take him to get some stuff. He sort of deflated at that but he followed me to the car anyway. He asked me why I didn't want to give him money. I just looked at him and said, "I think we both know that answer". He didn't say anything else about that. He did hint that it was going to be hard to get a job if he didn't have a phone. I didn't offer a suggestion about that. Later he told me that he gave my phone number at a couple of places. I told him that I would get in touch with him if I get a call.
When we got to the store I told him to go shop and that I would meet him in about 30 minutes.When I went to look for him I heard his laugh then I heard a familiar voice. I walked past the aisle they were in without looking but I could here them talking about "meetings" and this familiar voice said that he goes to one that is alright and there are a lot of pretty girls there. I walked a few aisles further away. I didn't want to hear anymore of the conversation. At least this guy was talking to him about attending meetings.
He passed the shopping cart off to me and it looked like he was thoughtful about the kinds of stuff that he bought. Nothing extravagant, nothing that needed to be refrigerated, and enough to feed him for the rest of the week if he takes advantage of the two meals they do provide. I found that out by calling a woman that I know who is in recovery and who went through the same program. She also set me straight about giving him money, DON'T DO IT! Maybe 5 bucks to do his laundry once a week but nothing significant. I know this but it was good to be reminded.
He asked me if I had seen his friend that he was talking to in the store. I told him that I hadn't. His friend is one I wrote about a couple of months ago whose parents were very concerned for his safety. The guy is a very talented, good looking young man but he was also lost in the world of heroin addiction. Now, this friend is also in a chem free living facility that is not far from where my son is. I'm not sure this is a good thing, but maybe it is. I don't know, only time will tell.
My son is very sad. It is good that he can feel this sadness instead of putting the balm of heroin on it. I have hope that he will hold on and try to work the program. I have hope he will continue to chose life.
Monday, March 18, 2013
The next step...
My son checked into chem free living today. We didn't offer any suggestions, didn't try to coax, didn't plead. All we did was support his decision to do what he thinks is right for him. Oh, and give him a ride! ;-)
He was able to go straight from his 30 day rehab to the chem free living. I think he was relieved that he didn't have to face the world head on after only 30 days. I was relieved as well. We don't think it is a good idea for him to be in our home overnight and particularly not left alone, it would have been hard to tell him he couldn't stay there since he really seems to be making progress.
Those of you that have had kids in state funded treatment programs know that there is a very diverse population residing there. A few of the guys made me a little uncomfortable but, I reminded myself that even though they come from different backgrounds they all share the common denominator of addiction. I am sure my son has made many people very uncomfortable at times.
Anyway, he has taken the next step toward sobriety. Today he has chosen life and for this I remain hopeful.
He was able to go straight from his 30 day rehab to the chem free living. I think he was relieved that he didn't have to face the world head on after only 30 days. I was relieved as well. We don't think it is a good idea for him to be in our home overnight and particularly not left alone, it would have been hard to tell him he couldn't stay there since he really seems to be making progress.
Those of you that have had kids in state funded treatment programs know that there is a very diverse population residing there. A few of the guys made me a little uncomfortable but, I reminded myself that even though they come from different backgrounds they all share the common denominator of addiction. I am sure my son has made many people very uncomfortable at times.
Anyway, he has taken the next step toward sobriety. Today he has chosen life and for this I remain hopeful.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Things that make us happy.
I remember the first time my son went in-patient. He was 17 and came home one night high on Xanex and vodka. He wanted to leave the house and we wouldn't let him. He tried to fight his dad and he cussed me. We had to physically put him in his room. He stomped and snorted all night long but finally calmed down around 3 a.m.
My daughter wasn't here thank goodness. I made arrangements for her to go and spend the weekend with my sister, 3 hours away because I didn't want her to be subjected to the chaos.
When my son "woke up" around 1 p.m. and he was still belligerent and combative. I had called a mental health facility earlier in the day to make sure there was a bed and that insurance business was taken care of in advance and I knew he would be admitted when we got there. After a battle and many threats that I wasn't sure I could follow up with he got in the car and we got him there for an assessment that lead to him being admitted for 6 days.
I just knew this would take care of the problem and that he would "wake up" and make some serious life changes and all would be good. That was back when I was still in "control" of his addiction.
When I told my family and people that I work with were he was at their first response was, "Oh, Terri. I am so sorry!" to which I responded, "No, this is a good thing".
Isn't that weird? They heard me talk about what we were dealing with and still thought in-patient care was something to be sorry about.
I guess what made me think of this episode is that my son was accepted into the chem free living program associated with his rehab facility. He called to let me know today and asked if he could get a ride there. Hell yeah, I will give him a ride and buy his lunch on the way!!! I was elated to hear this. This news was the highlight of my week!!!!
He did this on his own. The only thing I did was to help locate some documents that he needed. He initiated the process. Made all the phone calls and did all the follow up. HE wanted this!
See what I mean! The crazy stuff that makes us POA's happy! I'm sure no one that I know that doesn't have an addicted child or other loved one will understand that this makes me happy. I am pretty sure some of them would look at me with sadness in their eyes if I told them. Not at all realizing how happy this decison makes me. That my son is chosing life, at least for today.
Today, I am hopeful that recovery is possible for my son.
My daughter wasn't here thank goodness. I made arrangements for her to go and spend the weekend with my sister, 3 hours away because I didn't want her to be subjected to the chaos.
When my son "woke up" around 1 p.m. and he was still belligerent and combative. I had called a mental health facility earlier in the day to make sure there was a bed and that insurance business was taken care of in advance and I knew he would be admitted when we got there. After a battle and many threats that I wasn't sure I could follow up with he got in the car and we got him there for an assessment that lead to him being admitted for 6 days.
I just knew this would take care of the problem and that he would "wake up" and make some serious life changes and all would be good. That was back when I was still in "control" of his addiction.
When I told my family and people that I work with were he was at their first response was, "Oh, Terri. I am so sorry!" to which I responded, "No, this is a good thing".
Isn't that weird? They heard me talk about what we were dealing with and still thought in-patient care was something to be sorry about.
I guess what made me think of this episode is that my son was accepted into the chem free living program associated with his rehab facility. He called to let me know today and asked if he could get a ride there. Hell yeah, I will give him a ride and buy his lunch on the way!!! I was elated to hear this. This news was the highlight of my week!!!!
He did this on his own. The only thing I did was to help locate some documents that he needed. He initiated the process. Made all the phone calls and did all the follow up. HE wanted this!
See what I mean! The crazy stuff that makes us POA's happy! I'm sure no one that I know that doesn't have an addicted child or other loved one will understand that this makes me happy. I am pretty sure some of them would look at me with sadness in their eyes if I told them. Not at all realizing how happy this decison makes me. That my son is chosing life, at least for today.
Today, I am hopeful that recovery is possible for my son.
Sunday, March 10, 2013
He's tired
We saw our son yesterday. He looked good, seemed happy to see us, he told us he was tired. Tired of running away, tired of ending up in the same place every time. He is very concerned about getting into chem free living. He knows he is not ready to do it without help. I have hope that this is so.
He talked to his dad and me about the BS another guy in there was talking. "He is only saying that shit so that his grandfather will let him come back home." My husband quickly responded, "You did the same thing". My son hung his head kicked the dirt and agreed that he did.
He will be released from the treatment center a week from tomorrow. I hope that he gets into chem free living.
I hope he is tired, I hope he is done, I hope he won't go back there again.
Where there is life there is hope!
He talked to his dad and me about the BS another guy in there was talking. "He is only saying that shit so that his grandfather will let him come back home." My husband quickly responded, "You did the same thing". My son hung his head kicked the dirt and agreed that he did.
He will be released from the treatment center a week from tomorrow. I hope that he gets into chem free living.
I hope he is tired, I hope he is done, I hope he won't go back there again.
Where there is life there is hope!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
A very happy day!
My new granddaughter came a few weeks early. Mom, dad and baby are fine. Granny is very, very content right now. And here she is, 6 lbs 9 oz and 19 1/2 inches of her.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Before you know it they will be shaving!
Happy Monday!
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