My son is working hard at getting kicked out of my mom and dad's house in fact he may already be gone by now. He started blowing my phone up before daylight today but I still decide when to answer and when not to and I haven't talked directly to him. I had several texts saying that he couldn't live there anymore.
I was a bit skeptical about him moving in there from the start. Minus a drug addiction, my dad and son are cut from the same cloth. Both hot tempered and moody. My dad is the answer guy, you know the one, the one that can answer all of your questions and some of the ones he thinks you might ask at some other point and to top that off, he knows nothing about the biology of addiction and refuses to accept it as anything but bad moral character. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. But then, no one asked me.
My intuition is telling me that my son has something cooked up already. He talked to several different woman on the phone and Facebook while he was at my house over the holiday. This is what he does when he doesn't want to face reality. He tries to take the easiest perceived route out. He has a court date on January 15th and another on January 22nd. We have tried to encourage to get through these dates and see what happens because that is just part of owning the consequences for behavior.
If my dad makes him leave or if my son uses an argument to take off then my son will once again think he has someone to blame for his situation. If he leaves he won't be welomed back. He will once again be homeless and jobless.
He is 24 years old....this is not my problem. I should just stay out of it. I didn't cause it and I can't change any part of it.
I am just praying that I have developed the stick to it to stick to it.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Lost
Lost is how a mother described her son in a Facebook post this morning. This young man just graduated from college last May. He is an amazing artist and musician who has tons of people who love and admire him. He is also an opiate addict.
He and my son were friends. They enjoyed a lot of the same past times, music, art, skateboarding, chasing girls and getting high. This young man graduated high school on time and just graduated from college last May with a degree in art.
I saw this young man about a month ago with a beautiful young woman that I assumed was his girlfriend. He looked healthy and had that "light" in his eyes that addicts who are using don't have. You could see that he was seeing the world at that moment through open, sober eyes.
I am sad to hear that he is "lost" again. I hurt for his parents who must be worried out of their minds about him.
I hope that they all can find peace.
He and my son were friends. They enjoyed a lot of the same past times, music, art, skateboarding, chasing girls and getting high. This young man graduated high school on time and just graduated from college last May with a degree in art.
I saw this young man about a month ago with a beautiful young woman that I assumed was his girlfriend. He looked healthy and had that "light" in his eyes that addicts who are using don't have. You could see that he was seeing the world at that moment through open, sober eyes.
I am sad to hear that he is "lost" again. I hurt for his parents who must be worried out of their minds about him.
I hope that they all can find peace.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Does it really need to be a circle?
My son texted tonight.
Him - Can you come get me on Friday instead of Saturday?
Me - I may come Friday after work but we may not leave until Saturday morning early.
Him - I vote we come back Friday night.
Me - We'll just have to see.
Several minutes later
Him - A girl wants to see me. She drives a cadillac mom.
Me - So?
Of course there was more to that conversation but that is the jest of it.
Okay it seems to me that he wants to get back here to meet up with this woman so that he can "hook up" with her. He is not happy at my parent's home. He can't find a job. He has legal issues hanging out there. He owes my parents money. It really feels like he is just looking for an escape route. He has tried it before and it never worked out.
I told him that it is not my business but that I hope that he isn't looking for a way out of the situation he is in. He denied it.
So what is a mom to do? Pray I guess that the right thing happens.
:-(
Him - Can you come get me on Friday instead of Saturday?
Me - I may come Friday after work but we may not leave until Saturday morning early.
Him - I vote we come back Friday night.
Me - We'll just have to see.
Several minutes later
Him - A girl wants to see me. She drives a cadillac mom.
Me - So?
Of course there was more to that conversation but that is the jest of it.
Okay it seems to me that he wants to get back here to meet up with this woman so that he can "hook up" with her. He is not happy at my parent's home. He can't find a job. He has legal issues hanging out there. He owes my parents money. It really feels like he is just looking for an escape route. He has tried it before and it never worked out.
I told him that it is not my business but that I hope that he isn't looking for a way out of the situation he is in. He denied it.
So what is a mom to do? Pray I guess that the right thing happens.
:-(
Monday, December 17, 2012
Frustration and other emotions
My son worked for a week helping a guy hang sheet rock. He showed up at the work site this morning and no one was there. When he called the guy he was told that he really didn't have enough work this week and that he would call him when/if he had more work.
My dad and mom were driving him to and from work because my son's license is suspended pending two court dates next month. My dad is telling my son he is unemployable and the only job he could get is a "boy's" job flipping burgers and that would not even be worth his time. This may be true but give the guy some credit, he is trying to do better and has managed to stay sober for longer than he ever has outside of rehab.
I think under the circumstances he is dealing with his emotions pretty well. This is probably the first time in years that he has actually fully felt these emotions and not gotten high. I am trying to see the positive in this situation.
I told him that it would be wonderful if all the stuff that happened when he was getting high would just go away now that he is not but this is not how life works. He will just have to deal with things as best as he can each day. That is all any of us can do.
Deep breath, deep breath.
Happy Monday!
My dad and mom were driving him to and from work because my son's license is suspended pending two court dates next month. My dad is telling my son he is unemployable and the only job he could get is a "boy's" job flipping burgers and that would not even be worth his time. This may be true but give the guy some credit, he is trying to do better and has managed to stay sober for longer than he ever has outside of rehab.
I think under the circumstances he is dealing with his emotions pretty well. This is probably the first time in years that he has actually fully felt these emotions and not gotten high. I am trying to see the positive in this situation.
I told him that it would be wonderful if all the stuff that happened when he was getting high would just go away now that he is not but this is not how life works. He will just have to deal with things as best as he can each day. That is all any of us can do.
Deep breath, deep breath.
Happy Monday!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Dad - A Title to be Earned
I have been spending a lot of time on the road with my grandson lately. I take him to my parents home to visit with his dad, my son. My son has visitation the first weekend of the month, which is to be supervised by me and/or my husband. Lately, my son has been seeing his son a little more often because of the holidays and because I have a good relationship with my grandson's mother.
My mom and dad live about 3 hours away so when we go we spend the entire weekend. I spent 5 days there during Thanksgiving. I don't mind right now but I imagine it will get old after a bit. Hopefully my son will be able to get his driver's license back pretty soon and can come to visit his son at my house occasionally.
It is very important to me that my son have lots of contact with his son now that he has been sober for awhile. It is not always an easy visit. My son doesn't really understand that just the fact that he fathered this child does not mean he immediately becomes "Daddy" in more than name only. They are beginning to click as father and son but mostly "Daddy" is just a name that my grandson calls his dad. I know that this makes my son sad sometimes. I keep reminding him that this time that he has with his son should be used for building a relationship.
My grandson is only 27 months old. For probably 23 of those months my son was absent. He was either absent because he was high or actually physically absent. He missed out on those early days of bonding with his son and learning the things that his son likes and doesn't like. He has had to ask what kind of gifts to buy for his son on special occasions. He doesn't know how to play with him and has unreasonable expectations. He wants a two year old to sit and watch TV for more than a few minutes at a time. He thinks he should be able to just tell him not to do something and that he should know what that he means. My son takes a very stern voice with the grandson at times when it is not necessary. When my grandson wants to come to me, or my dad instead of him, my son gets his feelings hurt. He doesn't understand that this is pretty typical toddler behavior.
He has a lot to learn. I have suggested that he do some research on child development. My family and I are here to support his learning and we want to nurture the relationship between the two of them. He lost a lot of time early and he will never get that back. If he can stay sober and continue to move forward he can build a strong loving relationship with his son and earn the right to be not only called "Daddy" but to actually be his son's Dad.
My mom and dad live about 3 hours away so when we go we spend the entire weekend. I spent 5 days there during Thanksgiving. I don't mind right now but I imagine it will get old after a bit. Hopefully my son will be able to get his driver's license back pretty soon and can come to visit his son at my house occasionally.
It is very important to me that my son have lots of contact with his son now that he has been sober for awhile. It is not always an easy visit. My son doesn't really understand that just the fact that he fathered this child does not mean he immediately becomes "Daddy" in more than name only. They are beginning to click as father and son but mostly "Daddy" is just a name that my grandson calls his dad. I know that this makes my son sad sometimes. I keep reminding him that this time that he has with his son should be used for building a relationship.
My grandson is only 27 months old. For probably 23 of those months my son was absent. He was either absent because he was high or actually physically absent. He missed out on those early days of bonding with his son and learning the things that his son likes and doesn't like. He has had to ask what kind of gifts to buy for his son on special occasions. He doesn't know how to play with him and has unreasonable expectations. He wants a two year old to sit and watch TV for more than a few minutes at a time. He thinks he should be able to just tell him not to do something and that he should know what that he means. My son takes a very stern voice with the grandson at times when it is not necessary. When my grandson wants to come to me, or my dad instead of him, my son gets his feelings hurt. He doesn't understand that this is pretty typical toddler behavior.
He has a lot to learn. I have suggested that he do some research on child development. My family and I are here to support his learning and we want to nurture the relationship between the two of them. He lost a lot of time early and he will never get that back. If he can stay sober and continue to move forward he can build a strong loving relationship with his son and earn the right to be not only called "Daddy" but to actually be his son's Dad.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Stepping up is not always easy
My son turned himself in at two different courts today. My parents gave him a ride and paid bond at one of them. I hate that part but it is the choice they made not me.
He has two different court dates in January. Most likely he will be given probation and fines in both places. He is depressed about the unknown. He is beating himself up pretty good.
I reminded him that it could be a lot worse. He agreed.
I don't have a lot left to say to him. I love him but what he left to be fixed is up to him to be fixed. I hate that he is dragging others into this mess. But again, that is their choice.
I am proud of him for finally doing the right thing. I hope it works out.
He has two different court dates in January. Most likely he will be given probation and fines in both places. He is depressed about the unknown. He is beating himself up pretty good.
I reminded him that it could be a lot worse. He agreed.
I don't have a lot left to say to him. I love him but what he left to be fixed is up to him to be fixed. I hate that he is dragging others into this mess. But again, that is their choice.
I am proud of him for finally doing the right thing. I hope it works out.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Reaping what we sow
When my son left the state last February he had a order to appear in court on a paraphernalia charge. Now he has a warrant out for failure to appear. I also know of an unpaid ticket for driving without a seat belt. There may be others that I know nothing about.
He is living with my parents right now. They helped him get an a vehicle to drive, which they cannot really afford to do, and took him today to see about getting the car insured. Guess what? His license has been suspended and he can't get insurance.
He called me this morning with an almost accusatory tone toward me. I told him that I know nothing about his license being suspended and that it could have something to do with the warrant for his arrest and the drug charge. I gently reminded him that the charges are not going to go away. He said, "Why do you want me to go to jail?" CLICK!!!! After he hung up on me I turned my phone off. I don't want to deal with his hysterics today.
He is supposed to start a new job tomorrow and now if he keeps it he will have to depend on my parents to get him to and from work. Which will mean that one of them will have to drive two 60 mile round trips a day to get him to and from work. This will be a major inconvenience for them not to mention the economic hardship.
I wish that things would work out for him and I find myself wishing that he could catch a break. Then I remind myself that unless his takes care of the mess he left behind in the wake of his addiction he will never get that break.
I knew an older lady when I was growing up who repeated these words from the bible, "We reap what we sow". My son is hopfully learning something from all this. I know that he wants me to fix it. That is what he expects me to do. I can't, I don't want to, it wouldn't be fair to him for me to get involved. He needs to plant something positive for a change. He needs to step up and face the consequences for his past behavior. That is the only way he can leave it behind for good.
He is living with my parents right now. They helped him get an a vehicle to drive, which they cannot really afford to do, and took him today to see about getting the car insured. Guess what? His license has been suspended and he can't get insurance.
He called me this morning with an almost accusatory tone toward me. I told him that I know nothing about his license being suspended and that it could have something to do with the warrant for his arrest and the drug charge. I gently reminded him that the charges are not going to go away. He said, "Why do you want me to go to jail?" CLICK!!!! After he hung up on me I turned my phone off. I don't want to deal with his hysterics today.
He is supposed to start a new job tomorrow and now if he keeps it he will have to depend on my parents to get him to and from work. Which will mean that one of them will have to drive two 60 mile round trips a day to get him to and from work. This will be a major inconvenience for them not to mention the economic hardship.
I wish that things would work out for him and I find myself wishing that he could catch a break. Then I remind myself that unless his takes care of the mess he left behind in the wake of his addiction he will never get that break.
I knew an older lady when I was growing up who repeated these words from the bible, "We reap what we sow". My son is hopfully learning something from all this. I know that he wants me to fix it. That is what he expects me to do. I can't, I don't want to, it wouldn't be fair to him for me to get involved. He needs to plant something positive for a change. He needs to step up and face the consequences for his past behavior. That is the only way he can leave it behind for good.
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
Another young man falls victim to opiates.
A friend of my husband's called him today because he just learned that his son is addicted to Oxycontin. He stole his mother's credit card over the Thanksgiving Holiday and stole checks from his grandmother. This young man is 24 years old. He is very talented and very bright as most of our addicted children are. His family is offering to get help for him but he is not open to the idea.
Again, I have to say that I hate being the go to people when someone has a kid that falls into this path of destruction but I am glad if we can offer anything that might help them at this time.
It hurts my heart to think of another family going through what our family has gone through.
Please add this young man and his family to your thoughts and prayers.
Again, I have to say that I hate being the go to people when someone has a kid that falls into this path of destruction but I am glad if we can offer anything that might help them at this time.
It hurts my heart to think of another family going through what our family has gone through.
Please add this young man and his family to your thoughts and prayers.
Wednesday, November 21, 2012
Thanksgiving
This Thanksgiving Day will so different from Last year.
Last year was spent in a quiet and reflective mode. My son had just gotten into a rehab, my older son and his wife were with her family. My grandson was with his mother. It was a rather somber day for me.
This year I will be in the midst of all my siblings (4 sisters and a brother) and their families, my parents, my children, husband and my grandson. There will be close to 30 people there in all. We will laugh and tell stories about growing up in such a large family. We will celebrate the fact that we are all able to be together in the same place again. It will be loud and we will have a great time.
My son is still struggling and probably will for some time. But, today he is sober and is struggling with a clear mind and some determination to make things better.
For this I am thankful.
Hope you all find some peace this Thanksgiving.
Last year was spent in a quiet and reflective mode. My son had just gotten into a rehab, my older son and his wife were with her family. My grandson was with his mother. It was a rather somber day for me.
This year I will be in the midst of all my siblings (4 sisters and a brother) and their families, my parents, my children, husband and my grandson. There will be close to 30 people there in all. We will laugh and tell stories about growing up in such a large family. We will celebrate the fact that we are all able to be together in the same place again. It will be loud and we will have a great time.
My son is still struggling and probably will for some time. But, today he is sober and is struggling with a clear mind and some determination to make things better.
For this I am thankful.
Hope you all find some peace this Thanksgiving.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Oh why did I answer the phone!
me - Hey how are you?
him - almost not audible, "I don't know"
me - what's going on?
him - "I don't know"
me - what happened?
him - "nothing I guess"
me - Did you hear about your job?
him -" no, I am afraid it didn't go how I thought it would."
me - Why? If they sent you for a drug test they want to hire you.
him - "I'm afraid it didn't go the way I thought it would."
me - Why?
him - "I don't know."
him - "have you heard from A?"
me - Not since yesterday. Why?
him - "I have a feeling she isn't going to let D come with you"
me - Why?
him - "I don't know"
him - "I have another phone call, hold on"
me - OK
me - so who was that?
him- "a debt collector"
me - you have a lot of unfinished business to take care of. It is not going to disappear.
him - "I know"
me - I love you. I'll see you on Wednesday.
him - "I love you too"
Still thankful he is where he is instead of where he was.
him - almost not audible, "I don't know"
me - what's going on?
him - "I don't know"
me - what happened?
him - "nothing I guess"
me - Did you hear about your job?
him -" no, I am afraid it didn't go how I thought it would."
me - Why? If they sent you for a drug test they want to hire you.
him - "I'm afraid it didn't go the way I thought it would."
me - Why?
him - "I don't know."
him - "have you heard from A?"
me - Not since yesterday. Why?
him - "I have a feeling she isn't going to let D come with you"
me - Why?
him - "I don't know"
him - "I have another phone call, hold on"
me - OK
me - so who was that?
him- "a debt collector"
me - you have a lot of unfinished business to take care of. It is not going to disappear.
him - "I know"
me - I love you. I'll see you on Wednesday.
him - "I love you too"
Still thankful he is where he is instead of where he was.
November 19, 2011
A year ago on this date our family was waiting for a bed to come open for our son in a state funded rehab facility. Wondering if he would stick around for the 3 or 4 days that it was going to take for that to happen and if he did stick around would he manage to not use for that amount of time?
Re-reading the post that I wrote that day brought back all of those feelings of anxiety and fear that I felt during that time.
He got into a facility just a few days after that but it wasn't "the time" that he would stay clean. In fact he got booted from rehab for inappropriate contact with a female resident and they left together and went on a 2 week binge. Which was one of several binges before he hopped a bus and moved to a different state for six months.
Today is a different day. My son is living with my mom and dad, he is looking for a job near their home and is looking forward to having his son with him for Thanksgiving. He will be able to have him from Wednesday evening until around noon on Sunday.
He still has some outstanding warrants that he is going to have to deal with at some point. I have reminded him that they don't just go away and that the situation could just get worse the longer that he ignores it. What he decides to do will be up to him and only he can deal with the consequences.
I don't know that this is "the time" that my son will decide to not pick up again. Today I am just thankful that he is alive, healthy and sober.
That is a lot to be thankful for!
Re-reading the post that I wrote that day brought back all of those feelings of anxiety and fear that I felt during that time.
He got into a facility just a few days after that but it wasn't "the time" that he would stay clean. In fact he got booted from rehab for inappropriate contact with a female resident and they left together and went on a 2 week binge. Which was one of several binges before he hopped a bus and moved to a different state for six months.
Today is a different day. My son is living with my mom and dad, he is looking for a job near their home and is looking forward to having his son with him for Thanksgiving. He will be able to have him from Wednesday evening until around noon on Sunday.
He still has some outstanding warrants that he is going to have to deal with at some point. I have reminded him that they don't just go away and that the situation could just get worse the longer that he ignores it. What he decides to do will be up to him and only he can deal with the consequences.
I don't know that this is "the time" that my son will decide to not pick up again. Today I am just thankful that he is alive, healthy and sober.
That is a lot to be thankful for!
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Blessed
I enjoyed another good weekend with my son, his son, my oldest son, his wife and even my daughter showed her pretty little, semi-independent face. We all gathered at my mom and dad's house with most of my siblings, their spouses and children.
It was wonderful to watch my three adult children enjoy each other's company. They laughed so much during this visit. I started to feel that some of the hurts between them were beginning to heal. My daughter-in-law even joined in. My son stole money from her purse during one particular episode just before he left the state and this was after my older son had gone and gotten him out of jail and allowed him to "sleep it off" at their house. So, her forgiveness is huge.
My son was attentive to the needs of his son. They were pretty much inseparable during their time together. My son even allowed the grandson to sleep on the air mattress with him on the floor instead of with me. That is how it should be.
It was a beautiful fall weekend in the hills of the Ozarks. The trees were at their peak fall colors. My parents live in the country in a valley surrounded by all of this fall color. When we pulled up to their house on Friday night we saw 5 deer in their front yard. Pretty awesome!
I lived there for years and took all of this beauty for granted. I try not to take anything for granted anymore. Not my health, not my children's health and certainly not my son's sobriety. I intend to enjoy each day of it with him.
Today I feel particularly blessed!
It was wonderful to watch my three adult children enjoy each other's company. They laughed so much during this visit. I started to feel that some of the hurts between them were beginning to heal. My daughter-in-law even joined in. My son stole money from her purse during one particular episode just before he left the state and this was after my older son had gone and gotten him out of jail and allowed him to "sleep it off" at their house. So, her forgiveness is huge.
My son was attentive to the needs of his son. They were pretty much inseparable during their time together. My son even allowed the grandson to sleep on the air mattress with him on the floor instead of with me. That is how it should be.
It was a beautiful fall weekend in the hills of the Ozarks. The trees were at their peak fall colors. My parents live in the country in a valley surrounded by all of this fall color. When we pulled up to their house on Friday night we saw 5 deer in their front yard. Pretty awesome!
I lived there for years and took all of this beauty for granted. I try not to take anything for granted anymore. Not my health, not my children's health and certainly not my son's sobriety. I intend to enjoy each day of it with him.
Today I feel particularly blessed!
Monday, October 29, 2012
A very quet weekend....almost!
My husband and I had a peaceful weekend. We slept in and got some things accomplished around the house. We are having our bedroom and bathroom renovated in a couple of weeks and we had fun talking about that.
Saturday afternoon my son called and told me that my uncle had gotten angry because my son didn't put his clothes in the dryer and left them in the washer overnight. He said my uncle cussed him and yelled. There must be a little more to that story that didn't get relayed in my son's translation of what happened. I have never heard my uncle cuss or yell. He is usually a very laid back guy. I don't think my son smarted off to my uncle, I think he would be afraid to. My uncle is a big man who raised a lot of hell when he was drinking and he has a reputation of being someone that you don't want to mess with.
Anyway, my son said he left the house and walked into town, about 3 miles away. He called back to the house and apologized for not getting his clothes to the dryer...or whatever his true transgression was. He said that he thought everything was okay between them now. I told him that he did the right thing by walking away from the situation. Better to walk away and let things cool off than end up homeless.
He will be there with my uncle until this construction job is finished at the end of November. His plan after that is to buy a vehicle and move in with my parents and get a job. He tried living there before but it didn't work out. My dad can be very opinionated and overbearing. What is says goes, regardless.
He has quit suggesting that he come back to this area. There is really nothing here for him but trouble. I know he can find trouble anywhere but if he does at least I won't have to be close enough to watch it happen.
I am finding peace in the fact that I don't dwell on what he may or may not do in the future. In fact I really don't dwell on what he is doing today. I resigned that job about a year ago now!
I hope you all find some peace of your own this week.
Saturday afternoon my son called and told me that my uncle had gotten angry because my son didn't put his clothes in the dryer and left them in the washer overnight. He said my uncle cussed him and yelled. There must be a little more to that story that didn't get relayed in my son's translation of what happened. I have never heard my uncle cuss or yell. He is usually a very laid back guy. I don't think my son smarted off to my uncle, I think he would be afraid to. My uncle is a big man who raised a lot of hell when he was drinking and he has a reputation of being someone that you don't want to mess with.
Anyway, my son said he left the house and walked into town, about 3 miles away. He called back to the house and apologized for not getting his clothes to the dryer...or whatever his true transgression was. He said that he thought everything was okay between them now. I told him that he did the right thing by walking away from the situation. Better to walk away and let things cool off than end up homeless.
He will be there with my uncle until this construction job is finished at the end of November. His plan after that is to buy a vehicle and move in with my parents and get a job. He tried living there before but it didn't work out. My dad can be very opinionated and overbearing. What is says goes, regardless.
He has quit suggesting that he come back to this area. There is really nothing here for him but trouble. I know he can find trouble anywhere but if he does at least I won't have to be close enough to watch it happen.
I am finding peace in the fact that I don't dwell on what he may or may not do in the future. In fact I really don't dwell on what he is doing today. I resigned that job about a year ago now!
I hope you all find some peace of your own this week.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Hmmm! What to do?
No kids or grandbaby this weekend. No plans, nothing really to do. Wow! It is about damn time!
:-)
Have a great weekend everyone!
:-)
Have a great weekend everyone!
Tuesday, October 23, 2012
The love is unconditional....not the trust!
I had another good weekend with my son. My work took me near where he is living again so I picked him up and brought him to town. He offered to take the bus back and even pay for it himself! He asked me what his son needed for my house and that he wanted to buy whatever was needed!
He has agreed to help pay for daycare at least one week a month. Currently my grandson's step-Nana and I are covering it.
Who is this guy! He is the son I raised to be a responsible person that contributes to society! I like this guy.
Can he stay at my house? No.....
We talked about this over the weekend. I don't trust him. I told him that I don't trust him and that a couple of good weekends don't make up for YEARS of reasons not to trust him. I love him with all my heart and soul. I would still step in front of a train to save him but do I trust him? No way!
He had a good visit with his son, his brother and sister-in-law. His grandmother came over to see him and the baby. He stayed sober. It was a good weekend. I pray for many more good weekends.
Peace and prayers for us all. :-)
He has agreed to help pay for daycare at least one week a month. Currently my grandson's step-Nana and I are covering it.
Who is this guy! He is the son I raised to be a responsible person that contributes to society! I like this guy.
Can he stay at my house? No.....
We talked about this over the weekend. I don't trust him. I told him that I don't trust him and that a couple of good weekends don't make up for YEARS of reasons not to trust him. I love him with all my heart and soul. I would still step in front of a train to save him but do I trust him? No way!
He had a good visit with his son, his brother and sister-in-law. His grandmother came over to see him and the baby. He stayed sober. It was a good weekend. I pray for many more good weekends.
Peace and prayers for us all. :-)
Monday, October 15, 2012
Happy Birthday to Him and Happy Day to Me
My dad's family reunion was this weekend. I don't mean just my grandmother, her kids and their kids and their kids. There were people there that I didn't have a clue who they were. The only obvious thing were the family traits. Hair lines, nose, height, stomachs that pooch out over the belt line, loud voices, hugs all around regardless. It was fun.
It was also my son's 24th birthday. He is now the same age I was the day he was born. I drove 3 hours picked my dad up and then we drove 2 hours to pick my son up. We drove back roads of Arkansas to get to the "family farm". We laughed, we told stories, we were all sober! My son met my grandmother as an adult. My aunts fawned over my son, telling him and me how handsome he is. He really was handsome that day. I wish I had a video of him talking to my grandmother to share with you. He did all the right things and made her very happy.
We left the reunion and traveled two and half hours to my dad's house. I made my son his favorite meal for his birthday.....chicken and dumplings. All three of us enjoyed it. The next morning I made biscuits and gravy...another favorite of my son's.
His aunts came over before lunch time and we laughed a lot. My mom is Arizona and will be home in a few weeks. We helped paint her kitchen as a welcome home gift for her. It was lots of fun.
I wish times with my son could always be like this. It was good to see him sober and happy. It was good to see him enjoy his family and bask in their love for him. I pray that it will be this way again one day.
I dropped him off at my uncle's house on Sunday. He complained about going there. I asked if it was better than being homeless? He answered that it is.
I am just so happy that he made it to 24, there were times that I thought he wouldn't. I pray that he will make it to 25 and be sober and healthy and be able to bask in the love of his family again.
Peace to us all.............
It was also my son's 24th birthday. He is now the same age I was the day he was born. I drove 3 hours picked my dad up and then we drove 2 hours to pick my son up. We drove back roads of Arkansas to get to the "family farm". We laughed, we told stories, we were all sober! My son met my grandmother as an adult. My aunts fawned over my son, telling him and me how handsome he is. He really was handsome that day. I wish I had a video of him talking to my grandmother to share with you. He did all the right things and made her very happy.
We left the reunion and traveled two and half hours to my dad's house. I made my son his favorite meal for his birthday.....chicken and dumplings. All three of us enjoyed it. The next morning I made biscuits and gravy...another favorite of my son's.
His aunts came over before lunch time and we laughed a lot. My mom is Arizona and will be home in a few weeks. We helped paint her kitchen as a welcome home gift for her. It was lots of fun.
I wish times with my son could always be like this. It was good to see him sober and happy. It was good to see him enjoy his family and bask in their love for him. I pray that it will be this way again one day.
I dropped him off at my uncle's house on Sunday. He complained about going there. I asked if it was better than being homeless? He answered that it is.
I am just so happy that he made it to 24, there were times that I thought he wouldn't. I pray that he will make it to 25 and be sober and healthy and be able to bask in the love of his family again.
Peace to us all.............
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Earning the right to be taken at your word.
Before the latest episode with my son I had given some consideration to letting him get a ride with me to visit friends in another state. My sisters and I had plans to go to that particular city for a sister's weekend so, what would it hurt?
I was a little apprehensive but was willing to do it because it is also my son's birthday weekend. After the he used in my home only 24 hours after getting there, I changed my mind. I told him that I wanted to be able to go away with my sisters and not have to worry about what he would be doing and whether or not he would be where he needed to be when it was time to leave. I just was not comfortable with the whole idea any longer.
He said, "Mom, you wouldn't have anything to worry about."
To which I replied, "You have not earned the right to tell me that I wouldn't have to worry and have me believe it."
It is sad but I don't think I will ever be able to take him at his word again. I feel like my guard goes up everytime he opens his mouth. I gauge and measure every word he says to me to try and filter out the truth from the lies, the genuine from the manipulation.
Peace to us all.
I was a little apprehensive but was willing to do it because it is also my son's birthday weekend. After the he used in my home only 24 hours after getting there, I changed my mind. I told him that I wanted to be able to go away with my sisters and not have to worry about what he would be doing and whether or not he would be where he needed to be when it was time to leave. I just was not comfortable with the whole idea any longer.
He said, "Mom, you wouldn't have anything to worry about."
To which I replied, "You have not earned the right to tell me that I wouldn't have to worry and have me believe it."
It is sad but I don't think I will ever be able to take him at his word again. I feel like my guard goes up everytime he opens his mouth. I gauge and measure every word he says to me to try and filter out the truth from the lies, the genuine from the manipulation.
Peace to us all.
Wednesday, October 3, 2012
Another Lost Mom
I blogged awhile back about talking with a friend of my daughter's about her recent stay in a rehab facility in California. She had only be home for a couple of weeks and was contemplating what her next move would be. Her thought was that she would go to a sober living facility, get a job and keep working her program.
She never made it. My daughter called me on Monday as I was about to board a plane for a meeting in another state and told me that this young woman's mom was going to call me for advice. Apparently she had contacted my daughter to find out if she knew where her daughter was. She was upset so my daughter suggested she contact me. This is not a topic I want to be the "expert" on.
I talked to the mom for a few minutes before I had to turn my phone off. Her daughter has been gone for several days and she hasn't had contact with her. This mom is looking for a way to help her daughter. I told her I would contact her late that day after I got to my destination. I told her that I don't have answers, I can just listen and share with her some of the ways I try to stay sane.
We made a date for lunch today. I am guessing that she won't call. If she does I know that the only thing I can tell her is that she needs to find a way to take care of herself and that her daughter will have to do the same thing. She needs to learn as much as possible about addiction. Read everything she can get her hands on. Maybe I will even direct her to the blogosphere. I know this is what has helped me the most. I loaded up my books on addiction and co-dependency and printed a list of Al-Anon meetings in her area to give her if she is receptive.
I hate this! I hate that drugs deprive of us of our children and deprive our children of their lives. Please add this mom to your prayers.
Update:
My intuition was right. She called around 2:00 and left a message with several reasons why she couldn't go today. I'll text or email her tomorrow.
She never made it. My daughter called me on Monday as I was about to board a plane for a meeting in another state and told me that this young woman's mom was going to call me for advice. Apparently she had contacted my daughter to find out if she knew where her daughter was. She was upset so my daughter suggested she contact me. This is not a topic I want to be the "expert" on.
I talked to the mom for a few minutes before I had to turn my phone off. Her daughter has been gone for several days and she hasn't had contact with her. This mom is looking for a way to help her daughter. I told her I would contact her late that day after I got to my destination. I told her that I don't have answers, I can just listen and share with her some of the ways I try to stay sane.
We made a date for lunch today. I am guessing that she won't call. If she does I know that the only thing I can tell her is that she needs to find a way to take care of herself and that her daughter will have to do the same thing. She needs to learn as much as possible about addiction. Read everything she can get her hands on. Maybe I will even direct her to the blogosphere. I know this is what has helped me the most. I loaded up my books on addiction and co-dependency and printed a list of Al-Anon meetings in her area to give her if she is receptive.
I hate this! I hate that drugs deprive of us of our children and deprive our children of their lives. Please add this mom to your prayers.
Update:
My intuition was right. She called around 2:00 and left a message with several reasons why she couldn't go today. I'll text or email her tomorrow.
Monday, October 1, 2012
Experiments
Ding, ding, ding, you are correct!!!! The photo on the top is when dad was at his peak of drug use just before he entered rehab about a month later. The second is after 30 + days clean and that much time working hard outside doing construction.
While it was very, very good to see my son clear eyed and healthy after 4 months of not seeing him at all, it wasn't to last.
I picked him up on Friday afternoon to bring him to our house for the birthday party. I had a meeting on that side of the state so it was convenient to swing by and pick him up. The trim, tan and toned young man was not the one who left my house after a one hour visit the first of June. He looked like a man instead of a drug dazed zombie. He looked like my son.
He had just gotten paid and asked that I take him by the bank to cash his check. He counted out $750. That was for one week of work. He started talking about what he was going to do at the end of December when the job they are working on is done. He said he might buy a truck, move to my parents home and get a job until he can save enough to move out. That sounded great to me because that meant that he wasn't planning on moving back to our side of the state.
Later in the car ride he told me that he planned to go and visit a friend whose brother was just killed in Afghanistan. He went to school with them both and got into trouble with them both. My stomach sank. He asked what was wrong and I told him that he has a bunch of cash, he is going to a place with triggers all around, and now he is talking about leaving the house and that worries me greatly. He offered to let me hold the money. I agreed to put it in our lock box. He re-thought that and said that he just wanted to prove to me that he could handle it. I agreed. Thinking to myself that whatever happens happens and he knows the consequences.
Sure enough, about an hour after the birthday party was over and all the family members were headed back home, a friend of his shows up. Within 30 minutes he was in the bathroom for a longer than usual time, then his voice is slurring, eyes lidded. His sister said that he looked high, I told my husband that he looked high to me. Husband disagreed but later in the evening admitted that I was right. Of course the next day he was still slow and his voice was soft and still slurred. I looked in the bathroom and saw soot, a blood splatter and a rolled up piece of cotton. It didn't take much more than that for me to know for sure.
While he was "napping" on the sofa right before time to take him back, I went through his wallet and there was only $257 left from his pay check. He legitimately spent some of it on his son for birthday presents, probably less than $100. The rest he spent on cigarettes, pot and opiates.
I went into his duffel bag and found the needle and two burned spoons and about a half ounce of pot. SIGH!! He realized they were gone and asked me why I went through his stuff. I just responded that we both know why. I was calm, refused to be provoked. I told him that I wasn't going to talk about it and that he needed to get his stuff together so we could leave.
He did and we got in the car and we are headed out for our 3 hour journey....one way.
Him: We had a good weekend!
Me: Yes, we did.
Long silence
Him: So what happens next?
Me: That is up to you.
Him: What does that mean?
Me: You can either continue to use or you can make the choice not to.
Long silence
Him: Are you going to keep me from seeing my son?
Me: No, but you will not be able to stay at my house overnight anymore. You will have to find somewhere else to stay. You can see him from morning until he goes to bed then you will have to leave. If you are high or feel like you need to use you will have to leave.
Him: What if I don't have to use?
Me: We already did that experiment and it didn't work. You will have to find another place to sleep next time you come to see him.
There was much more to that conversation bu that is the jest of it. When we got to my uncle's house I got out and helped him get his stuff out of the car, gave him a big hug and told him that I love him. He sent me a text later telling me that he was so angry at himself and that he loved me. I told him that I love him too.
I am just very thankful that we had a couple of good days. I hope this was a blip on the radar and does not turn into a full blown relapse. It is funny when you really don't have expectations for how things should turn out the disappointment level is a lot lower than it is when you do.
I hope you all have a great week. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
No Place is Private When an Addict Lives in Your Home
I took a few days off from work...okay 7 days!!! I can't remember the last time I allowed myself that luxury just to do stuff I wanted to do.
So, I took off work and began immediately to WORK around the house. But that is different because I will be so happy to have stuff in some sort of order at least for little while.
I cleaned out the closet in my bedroom. I mean there is nothing in there at all right now. I am thinking about painting and re-doing the floor.
What does that have to do with the title of this post? In a corner of my closet I found a burned candle, when I moved some stuff off the shelves I found soot marks and finger prints and a dirty needle on the top shelf pushed to the back. I had to have a chair to get up there to clean and that how I found it.
My guess is when my son lived here with his now ex-wife he figured that my room was a place he could use an not get caught. I often wondered why he chose to use our master bath instead of the one nearer their room.
We live and learn I guess.........
So, I took off work and began immediately to WORK around the house. But that is different because I will be so happy to have stuff in some sort of order at least for little while.
I cleaned out the closet in my bedroom. I mean there is nothing in there at all right now. I am thinking about painting and re-doing the floor.
What does that have to do with the title of this post? In a corner of my closet I found a burned candle, when I moved some stuff off the shelves I found soot marks and finger prints and a dirty needle on the top shelf pushed to the back. I had to have a chair to get up there to clean and that how I found it.
My guess is when my son lived here with his now ex-wife he figured that my room was a place he could use an not get caught. I often wondered why he chose to use our master bath instead of the one nearer their room.
We live and learn I guess.........
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
It Was Bound to Happen
I knew this day would come sooner or later. My grandson's mom is pregnant with her current boyfriend's baby. She is only 21 and this baby making is a family tradition for her. I was hoping that she was seeing a different way of living and gaining self-esteem. She and I are close and I am scared for her. I am not sure she is happy about this. They are engaged now. Neither can support themselves. I wanted more for her than this.
Enough of that!!! Just praying it all works out and that my grandson doesn't suffer. It could be the perfect thing. I don't know. I need to practice letting go and letting God take over.
SIGH!!!
Enough of that!!! Just praying it all works out and that my grandson doesn't suffer. It could be the perfect thing. I don't know. I need to practice letting go and letting God take over.
SIGH!!!
Monday, September 3, 2012
Week Three
This is starting the third week with my son at my uncle's home. He is working everyday digging post holes and carrying lumber. This is the most physically demanding job he has ever had.
I have only spoken to him a couple of times. We text a couple of times a week. He seems to be feeling good and seems to be proud that he made this choice. Of course the only other choice he had was to stay on the streets where he was.
I am happy that he is alive. This is different for me than any other time that he has tried to get straight. I have zero expectations. I have hope that he will succeed...and yes, I believe that he can do this. If he doesn't....well, he knows what the consequence will be. He will be homeless and will not have contact with us until he does get sober.
This is a pretty calm place to be right now.
I have only spoken to him a couple of times. We text a couple of times a week. He seems to be feeling good and seems to be proud that he made this choice. Of course the only other choice he had was to stay on the streets where he was.
I am happy that he is alive. This is different for me than any other time that he has tried to get straight. I have zero expectations. I have hope that he will succeed...and yes, I believe that he can do this. If he doesn't....well, he knows what the consequence will be. He will be homeless and will not have contact with us until he does get sober.
This is a pretty calm place to be right now.
Friday, August 24, 2012
He got on the bus....
My son made it to my uncle's house. Two of my sisters made sure he got there. My mom called to tell me that he has been calling her for the past couple of weeks about what to do. Everyone feels good about this...I am apprehensive. I just don't want him to hurt anyone else.
I guess we will see what happens.
I guess we will see what happens.
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
This is what my baby sister said.....
My son contacted his aunt, my sister, about picking him up tomorrow. She chewed him a "new one" as they say. She is really calm and quiet, the last person anyone would expect to use foul language or raise her voice. I practically raised her so she is protective of me.
She told my son how much hell he has put me through and how he needed to grow up, how disrespectful of her and her family he has been. He was willing to come to her house wasted and expose her kids to that. More importantly, she told him that she loves him and will always love him and that he is part of her family and nothing will change that. However, she will distance herself and her children from him when he is in active addiction.
She surprised herself but I think she was proud of how she handled it. She did great. She agreed to pick him up tomorrow and get him to my uncle. She has a plan in place....no money, she will buy his lunch. If he screws up his is will never get anything from her again.
I feel guilty that the poison has touched someone else in my family.
I love my sister!
She told my son how much hell he has put me through and how he needed to grow up, how disrespectful of her and her family he has been. He was willing to come to her house wasted and expose her kids to that. More importantly, she told him that she loves him and will always love him and that he is part of her family and nothing will change that. However, she will distance herself and her children from him when he is in active addiction.
She surprised herself but I think she was proud of how she handled it. She did great. She agreed to pick him up tomorrow and get him to my uncle. She has a plan in place....no money, she will buy his lunch. If he screws up his is will never get anything from her again.
I feel guilty that the poison has touched someone else in my family.
I love my sister!
And here is me, kicking my own ass......
3:00 a.m. call from the bus station, "Mom, they are giving me a little trouble here".
Bus station guy, "Your son is very, very intoxicated and they are not going to let him on the bus. He has cuts and scratches all over his head, face and legs. We don't want to call the police, so he just needs to leave".
I thanked the guy and told him that this was my son's situation to handle and to tell my son that I didn't want to talk to him again tonight (morning).
I don't know what is going on with him. He could be in jail. He tends to be very belligerent when he is drunk or coming off of a high. He could be in the hospital....who knows???
I contacted my sister this morning to let her know what is going on and not to plan to go to the bus station. She said that if this is what is going on that she doesn't want him at her house around her kids. I told her that I don't want him at her house around her kids either.
Crap! Crap! Crap!
Update:
Still kicking my own ass but he is not in jail or on the street. He called from a phone number not known to me and said, "Mom, I am really f*&%ed right now". I told him he f&*#$ed himself this time. He tried to tell me he got jumped and his piece of crap phone was stolen and all his money was taken. I reminded him that he called me last night. He said, "From the bus station?". Yep, from the bus station, son. I told him he was going to just have to deal with it and hung up the phone then turned it off.
Bus station guy, "Your son is very, very intoxicated and they are not going to let him on the bus. He has cuts and scratches all over his head, face and legs. We don't want to call the police, so he just needs to leave".
I thanked the guy and told him that this was my son's situation to handle and to tell my son that I didn't want to talk to him again tonight (morning).
I don't know what is going on with him. He could be in jail. He tends to be very belligerent when he is drunk or coming off of a high. He could be in the hospital....who knows???
I contacted my sister this morning to let her know what is going on and not to plan to go to the bus station. She said that if this is what is going on that she doesn't want him at her house around her kids. I told her that I don't want him at her house around her kids either.
Crap! Crap! Crap!
Update:
Still kicking my own ass but he is not in jail or on the street. He called from a phone number not known to me and said, "Mom, I am really f*&%ed right now". I told him he f&*#$ed himself this time. He tried to tell me he got jumped and his piece of crap phone was stolen and all his money was taken. I reminded him that he called me last night. He said, "From the bus station?". Yep, from the bus station, son. I told him he was going to just have to deal with it and hung up the phone then turned it off.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
And the question is>>>>
"Can I please, please just come to your house for a few days?" and the answer is......"No".
I couldn't answer my phone today because of work so Dad had to be the one this time to give the answer. My son was very accusatory toward my husband. When I got a chance I called my son back. He told me that he had talked to his dad. I told him that I knew this and asked what his plan was.
He is getting on a bus at 3:00 a.m. tomorrow and is headed to the nearest bus station to my uncle who offered him a job and a place to live. My sister is going to pick him up and let him spend the night at her house and take him to my uncle the next day.
We started talking about how much the bus ticket would cost and he was short about $40. I told him since he had a plan that I would pay the remainder. Not sure if that was the right thing to do or not. He is trying to do something different so I feel like I want to help. I may kick my own ass later.
I thanked my sister and told her that I almost felt like I needed to come and get him and deal with it myself but that it wouldn't do either of us any good. She said that she wouldn't have let me come get him anyway. She is my baby sister so she was pretty brave to challenge me! LOL
So that is the plan. I pray that it works out for him. I will take my grandson to visit him at my uncle's house 2 hours away for a little while on Sunday.
Lord have mercy! Really....Lord Have Mercy!
I couldn't answer my phone today because of work so Dad had to be the one this time to give the answer. My son was very accusatory toward my husband. When I got a chance I called my son back. He told me that he had talked to his dad. I told him that I knew this and asked what his plan was.
He is getting on a bus at 3:00 a.m. tomorrow and is headed to the nearest bus station to my uncle who offered him a job and a place to live. My sister is going to pick him up and let him spend the night at her house and take him to my uncle the next day.
We started talking about how much the bus ticket would cost and he was short about $40. I told him since he had a plan that I would pay the remainder. Not sure if that was the right thing to do or not. He is trying to do something different so I feel like I want to help. I may kick my own ass later.
I thanked my sister and told her that I almost felt like I needed to come and get him and deal with it myself but that it wouldn't do either of us any good. She said that she wouldn't have let me come get him anyway. She is my baby sister so she was pretty brave to challenge me! LOL
So that is the plan. I pray that it works out for him. I will take my grandson to visit him at my uncle's house 2 hours away for a little while on Sunday.
Lord have mercy! Really....Lord Have Mercy!
Friday, August 17, 2012
...and this is what happened today.....
I have had a very stressful week at work. One of my co-workers had to take a leave of absence due to a problem with 20 year old son. I may blog about that at another time. So, I have had to take over her duties because I held her position for 5 years before moving on to my current job. So that is me. I can deal with me. :-)
My 19 year old daughter is having roommate issues and job issues. I handed that back to her today.
My 23 year old son who is the purpose of this blog called today about 5 times while I am busy dealing with an all day meeting with crap that is not really mine but I am dealing with. First he said he really needed to come here and see his son. I said instead of birthday money for my son I will pay for a bus ticket to come home and see his son on his birthday. Okay that was cool. Then he called and said he needed to come home sooner than that. I reminded him that he couldn't come here. He asked, "Not even until I get on my feet again?". I reminded him that we tried that and within 2 days he was getting high again. Oh, you all will be surprised to hear that he said it won't happen this time if we give him one more chance.
I can't do it again you guys. Am I wrong? I don't think I am.
The next thing he said was that he planned to go live with my uncle who offered him a job. I told him to get a bus ticket to the town closest to him and ask him to come and pick him up. My son was hesitant.
I can't help but think he wanted to get back here for not so good reasons.
I miss him, I love him but I can't have him here.
Peace and love to you all.
My 19 year old daughter is having roommate issues and job issues. I handed that back to her today.
My 23 year old son who is the purpose of this blog called today about 5 times while I am busy dealing with an all day meeting with crap that is not really mine but I am dealing with. First he said he really needed to come here and see his son. I said instead of birthday money for my son I will pay for a bus ticket to come home and see his son on his birthday. Okay that was cool. Then he called and said he needed to come home sooner than that. I reminded him that he couldn't come here. He asked, "Not even until I get on my feet again?". I reminded him that we tried that and within 2 days he was getting high again. Oh, you all will be surprised to hear that he said it won't happen this time if we give him one more chance.
I can't do it again you guys. Am I wrong? I don't think I am.
The next thing he said was that he planned to go live with my uncle who offered him a job. I told him to get a bus ticket to the town closest to him and ask him to come and pick him up. My son was hesitant.
I can't help but think he wanted to get back here for not so good reasons.
I miss him, I love him but I can't have him here.
Peace and love to you all.
Friday, August 10, 2012
He Called Tonight
He says he is done, he says he needs something different, he says he is tired. He says he needs to slow down.
I said that he can't come back here, I said that I won't pay for him to get back here, I told him that I am glad that he knows he needs something different. I told him that I love him and that I know he will make the right choice for him.
I know that I did the right thing.
Peace to you all.
I said that he can't come back here, I said that I won't pay for him to get back here, I told him that I am glad that he knows he needs something different. I told him that I love him and that I know he will make the right choice for him.
I know that I did the right thing.
Peace to you all.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Looking Back
Really we shouldn't look back I guess but I just spent a minute looking at my blog posts for this time last year. I had only been blogging for about 3 months at that time. When reading my reactions to the situation with my son I almost don't recognize myself.
I was in a terrible world of heartbreak. I can see that I was trying to control the disease and "fix" my son. I felt responsible for everything and everyone involved. My son's addiction consumed me. If it weren't for the guidance of some very straight forward speaking blogging family I don't know that I would have made it through those months.
I have said thank you before and I want to say it again today. Thank you all for commenting and offering your own experiences to me. I have grown through my recovery, today I feel more in control of myself and my emotions. I have learned how to say no and mean it. With your help, I have learned that I can love my son and do nothing to save him because that is not my job...that work belongs to him.
Peace for us all.
I was in a terrible world of heartbreak. I can see that I was trying to control the disease and "fix" my son. I felt responsible for everything and everyone involved. My son's addiction consumed me. If it weren't for the guidance of some very straight forward speaking blogging family I don't know that I would have made it through those months.
I have said thank you before and I want to say it again today. Thank you all for commenting and offering your own experiences to me. I have grown through my recovery, today I feel more in control of myself and my emotions. I have learned how to say no and mean it. With your help, I have learned that I can love my son and do nothing to save him because that is not my job...that work belongs to him.
Peace for us all.
Monday, August 6, 2012
SURPRISE! Not really.....
My son had talked about coming to visit his son this past weekend. Other than to say that was his plan he didn't do anything else to make it happen. He may have thought I would come through with money for a bus or plane ticket. I didn't.
He did call and get to hear his son playing at our house on Saturday and again on Sunday. He ended both calls in tears. He says that he misses his son so much that he plans to move back to our area. I'm not sure how he plans to do that. It really isn't my business is it?
I know that he misses his son. I didn't take this opportunity to say, "You made the choices that got you where you are and now you have to deal with it". I didn't even want to say those things. It is pretty apparent that he is hurting enough without me adding to it. There is no doubt in my mind that he knows that he is responsible for where he is. The only thing I said was, "I know you will make the best decision for you". I also let him know that I love him.
I think the old me would have bought a ticket or would have driven 5 hours to pick him up and 5 hours to bring him here. That isn't my responsibility. I would love for him to have a relationship with his son, he has to want that too and be willing to work for it. He has been resourceful in finding ways to get to music festivals and finding drugs or booze. If he wants to see his son he will find the way to do it. I believe it will mean more to him if he works it out on his own.
Praying for all of yours and you.
He did call and get to hear his son playing at our house on Saturday and again on Sunday. He ended both calls in tears. He says that he misses his son so much that he plans to move back to our area. I'm not sure how he plans to do that. It really isn't my business is it?
I know that he misses his son. I didn't take this opportunity to say, "You made the choices that got you where you are and now you have to deal with it". I didn't even want to say those things. It is pretty apparent that he is hurting enough without me adding to it. There is no doubt in my mind that he knows that he is responsible for where he is. The only thing I said was, "I know you will make the best decision for you". I also let him know that I love him.
I think the old me would have bought a ticket or would have driven 5 hours to pick him up and 5 hours to bring him here. That isn't my responsibility. I would love for him to have a relationship with his son, he has to want that too and be willing to work for it. He has been resourceful in finding ways to get to music festivals and finding drugs or booze. If he wants to see his son he will find the way to do it. I believe it will mean more to him if he works it out on his own.
Praying for all of yours and you.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Granny X 2
I can't tell any of my DNA related family this yet but I think I can get away with telling you guys. My oldest son and his wife are going to have a baby!!!! They have been married 6 years and have been trying to have a baby for the last 3 years. I am so happy for them and excited to be a granny to two kiddos!
Happy Sunday!
Happy Sunday!
Monday, July 16, 2012
It's been a little bit.
I really haven't had a lot of contact with my son lately. I'll get a text or a message on Facebook but I seldom speak to him on the phone. If I am not in the mood to talk to him I just don't answer the phone. It has been almost two full months since I saw him last. As far as I know he is still living out of state.
The last crisis he had was typical for him. He lost his job, was living with some guy, and had taken a job doing some painting for a woman. The crisis occurred when the friend supposedly was asking him to move out and the lady wasn't paying him for his work. He said he had nothing to eat and soon no place to live.....etc. I told him that coming back to our home wasn't an option. I told him that he is very resourceful and that he knows people all over the country and suggested that he start talking to some of them that do have jobs and might have a lead for him. I offered to contact my uncle who is in construction (who is in recovery after many, many mishaps and lost relationships) if he had any work for him. I did contact my uncle who did not hesitate to offer him work and place to stay even after hearing about his drug addiction.
I guess kiddo got to thinking about working out in the sun for long hours every single day and got busy finding another job. He is now supposedly working in a bar as a server. Not an ideal location for an addict to be working, or maybe it is the perfect place for an addict to be working. I guess it depends on whose view point you are looking at it from. The job with my uncle would have gotten him closer to his child and he would have had a place to stay and food to eat. To me this is a sign that he isn't ready yet to work on another way of life.
In the past week he has started talk about coming to visit his son. I know without a doubt that during his sober moments that he misses him terribly. I told him that he would have to finance the trip this time. I paid for the bus ticket the last time he came for more than a few hours and that didn't work out very well for any of us. If he does manage to get to town I think I will take my friend Ron's advice and put him in a hotel and allow him only to visit a prescribed amount of time each day he is in town. My opinion is that will be money well spent and the best thing for my mental health. I can't rest when he is in my house. I know I don't have to explain that to any of you who have lived with an addict in your home.
Anyway, this is what is going on with him as far as I know. He says he isn't using, but I suspect that he is.
On a more happy note, I was able to have my grandson at my house all weekend!! I took him to daycare this morning. I will miss him until I see him again but on the other hand, Granny could use some rest!
Hope you all have a good week. I have you all in my thoughts and prayers.
The last crisis he had was typical for him. He lost his job, was living with some guy, and had taken a job doing some painting for a woman. The crisis occurred when the friend supposedly was asking him to move out and the lady wasn't paying him for his work. He said he had nothing to eat and soon no place to live.....etc. I told him that coming back to our home wasn't an option. I told him that he is very resourceful and that he knows people all over the country and suggested that he start talking to some of them that do have jobs and might have a lead for him. I offered to contact my uncle who is in construction (who is in recovery after many, many mishaps and lost relationships) if he had any work for him. I did contact my uncle who did not hesitate to offer him work and place to stay even after hearing about his drug addiction.
I guess kiddo got to thinking about working out in the sun for long hours every single day and got busy finding another job. He is now supposedly working in a bar as a server. Not an ideal location for an addict to be working, or maybe it is the perfect place for an addict to be working. I guess it depends on whose view point you are looking at it from. The job with my uncle would have gotten him closer to his child and he would have had a place to stay and food to eat. To me this is a sign that he isn't ready yet to work on another way of life.
In the past week he has started talk about coming to visit his son. I know without a doubt that during his sober moments that he misses him terribly. I told him that he would have to finance the trip this time. I paid for the bus ticket the last time he came for more than a few hours and that didn't work out very well for any of us. If he does manage to get to town I think I will take my friend Ron's advice and put him in a hotel and allow him only to visit a prescribed amount of time each day he is in town. My opinion is that will be money well spent and the best thing for my mental health. I can't rest when he is in my house. I know I don't have to explain that to any of you who have lived with an addict in your home.
Anyway, this is what is going on with him as far as I know. He says he isn't using, but I suspect that he is.
On a more happy note, I was able to have my grandson at my house all weekend!! I took him to daycare this morning. I will miss him until I see him again but on the other hand, Granny could use some rest!
Hope you all have a good week. I have you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Swapping Stories
In addition to embracing the empty nest idea today, I also had the opportunity to talk to one of my daughter's friends who recently left rehab and is headed to a sober living facility.
She knows about my son and she knows I know about her. Both are opiate addicts. We shared some things and then she said, "It is really weird that my family feels on guard when I am around. My sister bought a safe and locks all her stuff up when I am there". I told her that I have a safe because if of my son. She said that she hates that they feel that way now that she is sober. I told her that it would take a while for them to trust her again but that she could earn that back.
I also told her that I feel like it is my duty as parent to lock my stuff up, not to protect my stuff but to protect my son. I don't want to put temptation out there for him. She thought about that for a minute and nodded her head at me. I have known her since she was eleven. She is 19 now.
She is a beautiful young women who knows way too much about the world for someone her age.
I'll pray for her tonight extra and continue to pray for all of ours.
She knows about my son and she knows I know about her. Both are opiate addicts. We shared some things and then she said, "It is really weird that my family feels on guard when I am around. My sister bought a safe and locks all her stuff up when I am there". I told her that I have a safe because if of my son. She said that she hates that they feel that way now that she is sober. I told her that it would take a while for them to trust her again but that she could earn that back.
I also told her that I feel like it is my duty as parent to lock my stuff up, not to protect my stuff but to protect my son. I don't want to put temptation out there for him. She thought about that for a minute and nodded her head at me. I have known her since she was eleven. She is 19 now.
She is a beautiful young women who knows way too much about the world for someone her age.
I'll pray for her tonight extra and continue to pray for all of ours.
The Sparrow has Left the Nest
My 19 year old daughter has moved into an apartment with a friend 3 hours from here. This is the first time she has tried living "on her own". We agreed to help her out for 3 months, in the mean time she is to find a job and start paying her own way. Unless she decides she is ready to go back to school in which case we will be more than happy to contribute.
She has been gone a month. She has never been away that long before. I told my mom that I really am not missing her yet because she has been able to torment me from afar. LOL She is so funny. She called one night to say that they don't have Internet and she doesn't understand why. I asked if they were paying for it and I got silence. I informed her that it isn't free and that you had to pay a monthly charge for that. "Ohhhhh." was her response.
I received a text from her this week saying that all she has had to eat in a week was Ra men noodles and maybe this living away from home thing wasn't as luxurious has she thought it would be. I responded by telling her that there is really nothing luxurious about being poor.
I love my daughter to pieces and it is really kind of fun watching her learn her way around. Of course she wants it all yesterday. She is after all the baby of the family and pretty much has had everything she wanted handed to her on whatever color platter she asked for.
I think if it weren't for the things that I have learned in dealing with my son's addiction that I would have swooped down already, packed her little self up and brought her home. That super mom cape has be retired. I am willing to see her struggle in order to become self sufficient and proud of herself.
I haven't figured out yet what everyone talks about when they talk about the empty nest syndrome. I am kind of diggin not having kids at home. Just sayin'. :-)
Happy Tuesday to you all.
She has been gone a month. She has never been away that long before. I told my mom that I really am not missing her yet because she has been able to torment me from afar. LOL She is so funny. She called one night to say that they don't have Internet and she doesn't understand why. I asked if they were paying for it and I got silence. I informed her that it isn't free and that you had to pay a monthly charge for that. "Ohhhhh." was her response.
I received a text from her this week saying that all she has had to eat in a week was Ra men noodles and maybe this living away from home thing wasn't as luxurious has she thought it would be. I responded by telling her that there is really nothing luxurious about being poor.
I love my daughter to pieces and it is really kind of fun watching her learn her way around. Of course she wants it all yesterday. She is after all the baby of the family and pretty much has had everything she wanted handed to her on whatever color platter she asked for.
I think if it weren't for the things that I have learned in dealing with my son's addiction that I would have swooped down already, packed her little self up and brought her home. That super mom cape has be retired. I am willing to see her struggle in order to become self sufficient and proud of herself.
I haven't figured out yet what everyone talks about when they talk about the empty nest syndrome. I am kind of diggin not having kids at home. Just sayin'. :-)
Happy Tuesday to you all.
Monday, June 25, 2012
A Hard Few Days
My favorite uncle passed away rather suddenly last Friday. I spent two days in ICU with my family while he was on a ventilator. He and his twin brother were only 7 years older than me and we spent a lot of time together growing up. They taught me to ride a bike, walk on stilts, put a worm on a hook, shoot a BB gun. You know, all those important things a girl needs to know. I will miss him terribly but feel blessed to have such wonderful memories of spending summers and holidays with them.
My uncle was an alcoholic. He drank everyday since he was 18 years old. Suprisingly, his liver was not damaged terribly and while I am sure his drinking contributed to his inability to fight off the infection that killed him, it was not the primary cause of death. I guess it seldom really is.
It is uncanny that my son should call today, the day of the funeral, to tell me he can't make it where he is anymore. He says he is not getting paid from his job, may be homeless soon, etc. but that he is trying soooo hard to make it. I think this is the chorus of a song that I have heard so many times before.
I am so tired today. I need to get off the merry-go-round for a little while.
My uncle was an alcoholic. He drank everyday since he was 18 years old. Suprisingly, his liver was not damaged terribly and while I am sure his drinking contributed to his inability to fight off the infection that killed him, it was not the primary cause of death. I guess it seldom really is.
It is uncanny that my son should call today, the day of the funeral, to tell me he can't make it where he is anymore. He says he is not getting paid from his job, may be homeless soon, etc. but that he is trying soooo hard to make it. I think this is the chorus of a song that I have heard so many times before.
I am so tired today. I need to get off the merry-go-round for a little while.
Thursday, June 7, 2012
Killing the Fatted Calf
If you guys remember your Sunday school lessons you will know the story of the Prodigal Son. The boy took everything his father could give him and took off into the world on his own, doing everything his way. After he lost everything he decided to come home.
His father saw him coming up the road, unshaven, dirty and undernourished and went to him and embraced him and welcomed him home. He ordered the servants to bring him clothes and to kill the biggest calf so that they could have a party to celebrate his return.
My son was in the state over the weekend and called the night before last to ask if I could help him see his son. The stipulation on my part is that he had to work it out with his son's mom, not show up until I was home from work, he had to be sober, he was not to ask for money when he got there and he was not allowed to spend the night at the house or on the property.
I didn't offer him food, drink, clothing or place to sleep. While I was glad to see that he is alive and was happy that he was sober while there, I was really not happy to see him. If that makes sense at all. I was tense the whole time he was there and was ready for him to leave after about 30 minutes. He stayed about an hour and a half.
I pray to get to the point that I want to throw a party when my son comes to my house. I want to cook all his favorite foods and enjoy his company and ask questions about his life. I want him to feel welcome. I want to watch my grandson play with his dad like he knows that he will see him very soon instead of like he has to get in all his playing in a couple of hours because who knows when he will see his daddy again.
It sorted reminded me of someone giving a kid an ice cream cone letting him have a few licks and then taking it away. My heart broke when I watched my grandson clutch his dad when it was time for my son to leave.
Ugh! It is just easier to deal with when he stays away.
Praying for yours and mine today.
His father saw him coming up the road, unshaven, dirty and undernourished and went to him and embraced him and welcomed him home. He ordered the servants to bring him clothes and to kill the biggest calf so that they could have a party to celebrate his return.
My son was in the state over the weekend and called the night before last to ask if I could help him see his son. The stipulation on my part is that he had to work it out with his son's mom, not show up until I was home from work, he had to be sober, he was not to ask for money when he got there and he was not allowed to spend the night at the house or on the property.
I didn't offer him food, drink, clothing or place to sleep. While I was glad to see that he is alive and was happy that he was sober while there, I was really not happy to see him. If that makes sense at all. I was tense the whole time he was there and was ready for him to leave after about 30 minutes. He stayed about an hour and a half.
I pray to get to the point that I want to throw a party when my son comes to my house. I want to cook all his favorite foods and enjoy his company and ask questions about his life. I want him to feel welcome. I want to watch my grandson play with his dad like he knows that he will see him very soon instead of like he has to get in all his playing in a couple of hours because who knows when he will see his daddy again.
It sorted reminded me of someone giving a kid an ice cream cone letting him have a few licks and then taking it away. My heart broke when I watched my grandson clutch his dad when it was time for my son to leave.
Ugh! It is just easier to deal with when he stays away.
Praying for yours and mine today.
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Does anyone else do this?
Sometimes I glance up at the clock on my computer at the 10:13 and think, "That's my son's birthday". He was born on October 13, 1988. You would think that was a Friday with all the misadventures he has had in his life, but it was a beautiful, cool, crisp, Thursday morning. He weighed 7 lbs and 15 oz. and was the most beautiful new born I'd ever seen.
He was born with a bowel obstruction and had to have some tests done and I couldn't see him for more than 12 hours after he was born. I remember calling and asking the nurse to bring him to me several times. He was fine and didn't require surgery and we actually ended up going home the next day.
He grew into a vivacious, active, inquisitive beautiful toddler. His grade school years were tough because he had a hard time sitting still and paying attention. We had numerous conferences with his various teachers. When he was in the 4th grade his teacher told us he was a "delight" to have in her class. I profusely thanked the teacher with tears in my eyes....she must have thought I was nuts. Little did she know. ;-)
Middle school was hell for us all. He really got in to being the "cool" guy and doing school work was not cool. His teachers loved him but he just wouldn't do what needed to be done to get good grades. They all said he was capable. One teacher suggested I show up and spend the day at school in his classrooms and follow him through his day. He was mortified when I showed up and took my seat in his first morning class. His friends all thought it was "cool" that I was there and by lunch time he was asking me to sit with him in the cafeteria! Go figure!
Jr. High and through the tenth grade....well, he might as well not showed up at all. He ended up leaving school mid term of the 11th grade and getting his GED. He yelled at me one time and asked why I didn't make him go to school. I told him other than chain myself to him and drag him from class to class I did everything I knew to do. I dropped him off at the front door and he would walk out the back door.
Anyway, I just glanced at the clock and it is 10:13. I sure do miss my little boy.
Wishing us all peace today.
He was born with a bowel obstruction and had to have some tests done and I couldn't see him for more than 12 hours after he was born. I remember calling and asking the nurse to bring him to me several times. He was fine and didn't require surgery and we actually ended up going home the next day.
He grew into a vivacious, active, inquisitive beautiful toddler. His grade school years were tough because he had a hard time sitting still and paying attention. We had numerous conferences with his various teachers. When he was in the 4th grade his teacher told us he was a "delight" to have in her class. I profusely thanked the teacher with tears in my eyes....she must have thought I was nuts. Little did she know. ;-)
Middle school was hell for us all. He really got in to being the "cool" guy and doing school work was not cool. His teachers loved him but he just wouldn't do what needed to be done to get good grades. They all said he was capable. One teacher suggested I show up and spend the day at school in his classrooms and follow him through his day. He was mortified when I showed up and took my seat in his first morning class. His friends all thought it was "cool" that I was there and by lunch time he was asking me to sit with him in the cafeteria! Go figure!
Jr. High and through the tenth grade....well, he might as well not showed up at all. He ended up leaving school mid term of the 11th grade and getting his GED. He yelled at me one time and asked why I didn't make him go to school. I told him other than chain myself to him and drag him from class to class I did everything I knew to do. I dropped him off at the front door and he would walk out the back door.
Anyway, I just glanced at the clock and it is 10:13. I sure do miss my little boy.
Wishing us all peace today.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Life Goes On
On the 26th day of May 26 years ago my brother was killed in an automobile accident. He was 16 years old and had a 16 year old friend in the car with him. The friend was killed as too. A small community, where everyone knows everyone, lost two young men in a matter of seconds. Two families lost a piece of their heart. Two families will forever have an empty spot at the table on holidays.
They weren't where they were supposed to be. My brother told my mom that he was just going a mile up the road to watch movies with his friend. He was supposed to be home by midnight. He never made it back.
A police officer came to my families home and told my mother that her son had been killed.
I was married and living 4 hours away and was planning to leave that day to go visit my family to celebrate Memorial Day. The phone call came at 4 a.m. I answered the phone and my then 18 year old sister asked to speak to my husband. It didn't occur to me at that moment to consider something could be wrong. I remember clearly my husband walking down the hallway in the tiny trailer we lived in on campus telling me he needed to tell me something. I immediately asked if it was my dad...my mom? When he told me it was my brother I fell to my knees. The landscape of my family changed forever that day.
It was a head on collision. The guys in the other car were injured and hosptialized. My brother's funeral was the day before his friend's funeral. My sister graduated valdictorian of her senior class 3 days later. My parents fell apart and were pretty much absent for a few years.
Life has a way of moving forward regardless of death. My family has grown. My remaining 4 siblings married and have children. My parents are the grandparents of 11 grandchildren and one great grandchild. There is still an empty spot at the table on holidays. That space will never be filled.
My brother and his friend were killed by a drunk driver. Two young men died needlessly. Their families forever deprived of their prescence.
The driver of the car, my brother, made a poor choice that night. A choice that hurts still today.
Peace and hope to us all!
They weren't where they were supposed to be. My brother told my mom that he was just going a mile up the road to watch movies with his friend. He was supposed to be home by midnight. He never made it back.
A police officer came to my families home and told my mother that her son had been killed.
I was married and living 4 hours away and was planning to leave that day to go visit my family to celebrate Memorial Day. The phone call came at 4 a.m. I answered the phone and my then 18 year old sister asked to speak to my husband. It didn't occur to me at that moment to consider something could be wrong. I remember clearly my husband walking down the hallway in the tiny trailer we lived in on campus telling me he needed to tell me something. I immediately asked if it was my dad...my mom? When he told me it was my brother I fell to my knees. The landscape of my family changed forever that day.
It was a head on collision. The guys in the other car were injured and hosptialized. My brother's funeral was the day before his friend's funeral. My sister graduated valdictorian of her senior class 3 days later. My parents fell apart and were pretty much absent for a few years.
Life has a way of moving forward regardless of death. My family has grown. My remaining 4 siblings married and have children. My parents are the grandparents of 11 grandchildren and one great grandchild. There is still an empty spot at the table on holidays. That space will never be filled.
My brother and his friend were killed by a drunk driver. Two young men died needlessly. Their families forever deprived of their prescence.
The driver of the car, my brother, made a poor choice that night. A choice that hurts still today.
Peace and hope to us all!
Friday, May 18, 2012
Another one of THOSE days
I feel like I cope well most days lately. I have re-learned how good it is to laugh....I mean really laugh until my stomach muscles hurt. Taking time to leave my desk at work and go walk through the rose gardens that I can see from my window is a treat I allow myself. Most days letting go of the notion that I have control of anything but myself gets easier. So, I feel like I am in a much better place overall.
On Wednesday evening of this week a calling card from a warrant officer was left in my front door. Right before my son left the state he was cited for 3 counts of paraphernalia and was given a court date, of course he didn't go. Now he has a failure to appear. I have know this for weeks and have been able to let it go. Somehow, seeing that card brought the world crashing around me. I'm not sure why. I started thinking about how unfair it is that I have an addicted son, how I have police officers leaving their cards at my house, how I know more about drug addiction than I ever thought possible. I know what addiction looks like, smells like and the damage it does to everyone and everything it touches.
I am suspicious of everything. The other day I saw a little baggie on the driveway. I automatically assumed it was used to hold drugs. I could feel my blood pressure rise and my anxiety level sky rocket. I picked it up and it contained four little screws that must have fallen out of my husband's truck. All of that energy spent on nothing.
I am working on getting to a more level place. I feel better today but still feeling a little anxious. I keep reminding myself that there is hope, my son is alive today, so there is hope.
My grandson is coming tomorrow for the weekend. We plan to get him in the pool for the first time this year. He loved it last year, I hope he will this year too. I think after I get that little curly headed kiddo in my arms all will be right in my world again.
Prayers for us all today!
On Wednesday evening of this week a calling card from a warrant officer was left in my front door. Right before my son left the state he was cited for 3 counts of paraphernalia and was given a court date, of course he didn't go. Now he has a failure to appear. I have know this for weeks and have been able to let it go. Somehow, seeing that card brought the world crashing around me. I'm not sure why. I started thinking about how unfair it is that I have an addicted son, how I have police officers leaving their cards at my house, how I know more about drug addiction than I ever thought possible. I know what addiction looks like, smells like and the damage it does to everyone and everything it touches.
I am suspicious of everything. The other day I saw a little baggie on the driveway. I automatically assumed it was used to hold drugs. I could feel my blood pressure rise and my anxiety level sky rocket. I picked it up and it contained four little screws that must have fallen out of my husband's truck. All of that energy spent on nothing.
I am working on getting to a more level place. I feel better today but still feeling a little anxious. I keep reminding myself that there is hope, my son is alive today, so there is hope.
My grandson is coming tomorrow for the weekend. We plan to get him in the pool for the first time this year. He loved it last year, I hope he will this year too. I think after I get that little curly headed kiddo in my arms all will be right in my world again.
Prayers for us all today!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
A Little More Cow Bell Makes Everything Cool!
I was just the Granny tonight and it was AWESOME! We ran and yelled and screamed. We ate mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. There was broccoli too, just to be on the safe side. I let him brush his own teeth, except the molars. Then two hours later his mom came to get him. Yea, ME!
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Crazy Town: The previous generation.
My husband I were both raised in similar but opposite environments. We were both raised on Insanity Island just on different sides. He is an only child, I am the oldest of 6. His mother and father fought violently throughout their marriage. Sometimes he became the victim of that. He witnessed things that no child should have to witness. I never saw my parents fight but sometimes became the victim of my father's anger non-the-less. My parents were never home. His were home but they were never "there". He lived in the same clean, well kept home is entire life. We lived in random rent houses and then a trailer that my parents bought and then let fall apart around us.
The common thread between us is that we both would have been taken into protective custody by today's standards.
I know now that mine did the very best that they could. I don't blame them for any wrong doing. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for them.
My husband's parents have been married 54 years, and are getting a divorce. My mother-in-law filed last week after my father-in-law hit her in the face with his elbow because she wasn't holding the wall paper they were putting up to suit him. They are both well into their 70's and my mother-in-law has finally had enough of his verbal and physical abuse. Of course they have both involved my husband in all of this insanity. He is doing really well about not taking sides but is getting multiple phone calls a day from his dad who doesn't quite understand why she left.
My parents are on a Navajo Reservation where my mom is working as a nurse. She hates nursing but loves the culture of the people there. My dad is in his early 70's and in poor health but won't admit it. My mom is 68 and has always done whatever it took to get through. They are there because they didn't plan well for retirement.
My in-laws on the other hand have done nothing but plan for retirement their whole lives.
I hope my husband and I fall in the middle somewhere. Hell, I hope my husband and I don't break under the constant pull from someome who needs something from us all the freakin time.
Don't know what this has to do with anything. I just needed to get it out.
Still praying for us all.
The common thread between us is that we both would have been taken into protective custody by today's standards.
I know now that mine did the very best that they could. I don't blame them for any wrong doing. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for them.
My husband's parents have been married 54 years, and are getting a divorce. My mother-in-law filed last week after my father-in-law hit her in the face with his elbow because she wasn't holding the wall paper they were putting up to suit him. They are both well into their 70's and my mother-in-law has finally had enough of his verbal and physical abuse. Of course they have both involved my husband in all of this insanity. He is doing really well about not taking sides but is getting multiple phone calls a day from his dad who doesn't quite understand why she left.
My parents are on a Navajo Reservation where my mom is working as a nurse. She hates nursing but loves the culture of the people there. My dad is in his early 70's and in poor health but won't admit it. My mom is 68 and has always done whatever it took to get through. They are there because they didn't plan well for retirement.
My in-laws on the other hand have done nothing but plan for retirement their whole lives.
I hope my husband and I fall in the middle somewhere. Hell, I hope my husband and I don't break under the constant pull from someome who needs something from us all the freakin time.
Don't know what this has to do with anything. I just needed to get it out.
Still praying for us all.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Chaos
My son came into town to see his son, supposedly, over the weekend. He stayed at our house and he took advantage of the time in town to go and sign the divorce papers.
I tried to keep a positive outlook with the knowledge that he was going to be in town and in my house for two nights but I had a huge amount of anxiety all week last week. It was not something that I was looking forward to at all and for that there was just a smidge of guilt.
My grandson was at my house from Thursday evening until this morning. I love that little guy. He is my primary concern in all of this. Which is probably one reason I have been so pissed off since the minute my son walked in the door on Saturday morning at 1:30 a.m. after his dad picked him up at the bus station.
When they arrived back at our house there was a strange truck in the driveway. Guess what? My son went to the truck and my husband watched and felt pretty certain that there was a drug deal going on. I guess in retrospect we should have just called the police. Anyway, I got up at 4:30 a.m. because he was making a lot of noise in the kitchen. I told him to just go to bed. It was pretty obvious the he was drunk and/or high. When I got up at 7:30 with the baby my son was crouched sitting up in the fetal position on the kitchen floor. I ordered him out of the room because I didn't want the baby to see him like that.
When he finally woke up several hours later he told me that he had "just" been drinking. He said that he and the guy in the driveway went to a podunk bar in another town. My husband said that the son didn't leave with the guy.
He was the same lidded, nodding off self that he was the weekend before he moved away. When I was leaving to taking him back to the bus station on Sunday I asked my husband to take the bedding off his bed and put the mattress outside. Awhile back, a couple of you guys wrote about the awful smell that a heroin addict has. Lord have mercy! It was awful. In that process he found a two needles and a spoon in a bag in the room my son slept in. This is the same room that my grandson keeps his toys in!!! I wanted to harm my son at that moment. What if my grandson found that needle and spoon!?
The only good thing my son did this weekend is sign the divorce papers. In the papers my husband and I have the right to exercise visitation even if my son doesn't or can't. That is a rare thing in our state. I feel blessed to have that in writing. The visitation is to be supervised if/when it happens by my husband and/or myself. I was also named the executor of a annuity that will be paid to my grandson upon my son's 25th birthday.
He called his dad when he arrived in the town he resides in at 11:30 last night and said that his bag was lost along the way. What did he expect us to do? We speculate that he was passed out on the bus and that they had to wake him up to get him off and someone walked off with his bag....Whatever! That is something he is going to have to deal with.
I told my son that if he comes back into town that he needs to find a different place to stay. He can't stay at our house again. I can't deal with the chaos he brings just by walking through the door.
My husband and I will be okay. I just really haven't had time to decompress from all of this yet...
Praying for us all.
I tried to keep a positive outlook with the knowledge that he was going to be in town and in my house for two nights but I had a huge amount of anxiety all week last week. It was not something that I was looking forward to at all and for that there was just a smidge of guilt.
My grandson was at my house from Thursday evening until this morning. I love that little guy. He is my primary concern in all of this. Which is probably one reason I have been so pissed off since the minute my son walked in the door on Saturday morning at 1:30 a.m. after his dad picked him up at the bus station.
When they arrived back at our house there was a strange truck in the driveway. Guess what? My son went to the truck and my husband watched and felt pretty certain that there was a drug deal going on. I guess in retrospect we should have just called the police. Anyway, I got up at 4:30 a.m. because he was making a lot of noise in the kitchen. I told him to just go to bed. It was pretty obvious the he was drunk and/or high. When I got up at 7:30 with the baby my son was crouched sitting up in the fetal position on the kitchen floor. I ordered him out of the room because I didn't want the baby to see him like that.
When he finally woke up several hours later he told me that he had "just" been drinking. He said that he and the guy in the driveway went to a podunk bar in another town. My husband said that the son didn't leave with the guy.
He was the same lidded, nodding off self that he was the weekend before he moved away. When I was leaving to taking him back to the bus station on Sunday I asked my husband to take the bedding off his bed and put the mattress outside. Awhile back, a couple of you guys wrote about the awful smell that a heroin addict has. Lord have mercy! It was awful. In that process he found a two needles and a spoon in a bag in the room my son slept in. This is the same room that my grandson keeps his toys in!!! I wanted to harm my son at that moment. What if my grandson found that needle and spoon!?
The only good thing my son did this weekend is sign the divorce papers. In the papers my husband and I have the right to exercise visitation even if my son doesn't or can't. That is a rare thing in our state. I feel blessed to have that in writing. The visitation is to be supervised if/when it happens by my husband and/or myself. I was also named the executor of a annuity that will be paid to my grandson upon my son's 25th birthday.
He called his dad when he arrived in the town he resides in at 11:30 last night and said that his bag was lost along the way. What did he expect us to do? We speculate that he was passed out on the bus and that they had to wake him up to get him off and someone walked off with his bag....Whatever! That is something he is going to have to deal with.
I told my son that if he comes back into town that he needs to find a different place to stay. He can't stay at our house again. I can't deal with the chaos he brings just by walking through the door.
My husband and I will be okay. I just really haven't had time to decompress from all of this yet...
Praying for us all.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
D-Day
My daughter-in-law is filing for divorce today. It is the right thing to do. She needs closure and permission to go on with her life. My grandson needs something in writing about child support, visitation and custody. He has a right to the insurance settlement check my son will be getting in a couple of years. My son needs to provide for his son and if that takes a court order so be it.
I really don't think the divorce will change my relationship with her. We have developed this sort of odd friendship and trust through the whole ordeal. I suggested an attorney for her to use and I am paying part of the fees. How weird is that? I have told her that I don't "throw people away". Just because her relationship with my son didn't work out doesn't mean I automatically stopped loving her.
I know my relationship with my grandson won't change. She may move away with him at some point but I think she understands how important the bond between us is to us both and will continue to allow me the privilege of being a part of his life.
Still, I can't help but feel a little sad today. I guess I will own it at get through it.
Praying for us all today.
I really don't think the divorce will change my relationship with her. We have developed this sort of odd friendship and trust through the whole ordeal. I suggested an attorney for her to use and I am paying part of the fees. How weird is that? I have told her that I don't "throw people away". Just because her relationship with my son didn't work out doesn't mean I automatically stopped loving her.
I know my relationship with my grandson won't change. She may move away with him at some point but I think she understands how important the bond between us is to us both and will continue to allow me the privilege of being a part of his life.
Still, I can't help but feel a little sad today. I guess I will own it at get through it.
Praying for us all today.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Hey Mom! Hate to ask you this but....
My son just sent me a message on Face Book asking if I would "float him a loan" and he would pay me back when he gets paid. Supposedly he and his business partner need to have some tickets for a show they are promoting shipped to them and they are short on cash. He says they need $200 to get them through. I didn't commit and just said I would have to talk to his dad about it.
Now I am sitting here thinking that I should have just said NO! I just bought the grandson new shoes and will be paying the child support that his dad doesn't pay on Friday. I really don't mind doing those things but to do those things and send my son money to be used for....well, we know most likely what it will be used for.
Thanks for letting me process here. I already know the answer and will let him know. At least I have gotten past the point of writing the check without question!
Now I am sitting here thinking that I should have just said NO! I just bought the grandson new shoes and will be paying the child support that his dad doesn't pay on Friday. I really don't mind doing those things but to do those things and send my son money to be used for....well, we know most likely what it will be used for.
Thanks for letting me process here. I already know the answer and will let him know. At least I have gotten past the point of writing the check without question!
Tuesday, April 3, 2012
Serendipity
I have always loved that word! It sort of explains my day today. I woke up feeling horrid, the kind of horrid that you know will get better as the day goes on if you tough it out. I decided to be a wimp and call in sick. Then I went back to bed.
Serendipity comes in later when my daughter comes to me crying about a friend of hers that has started using needles and recently stole some CDs from her that she had borrowed from another friend. This opened a dialogue that we have needed to have for several months.
I think it was worth a sick day.
:-)
Serendipity comes in later when my daughter comes to me crying about a friend of hers that has started using needles and recently stole some CDs from her that she had borrowed from another friend. This opened a dialogue that we have needed to have for several months.
I think it was worth a sick day.
:-)
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Can a whole can of LYSOL spray kill the addiction germ?
Yeah, I know it can't but I just had an OCD moment!
When my grandson comes to visit he sleeps in the room that his dad used to inhabit. While I was trying to get him to go to sleep the last time he was here I noticed a blood splatter on the ceiling and I promised myself that I would remove it before Little Man came to visit the next time. Well, that is tomorrow. Tonight I got the white paint and covered the stain. That wasn't good enough. Then I sorted his toys, took his winter clothes and put them away, removed the last few things that belonged to his dad, put all the bedding in the laundry, dusted everything even the ceiling fan. I cleaned the floors, wiped down the blinds and window sills. Then I used a whole can of disinfectant spray on the mattress, the blinds, toys the walls, ceiling fan, closets, and finally the ceiling.
By the end I was sitting on the edge of the bed sobbing my eyes out. I am okay now but for a few minutes I wasn't sure.
Praying for all of us right now!
When my grandson comes to visit he sleeps in the room that his dad used to inhabit. While I was trying to get him to go to sleep the last time he was here I noticed a blood splatter on the ceiling and I promised myself that I would remove it before Little Man came to visit the next time. Well, that is tomorrow. Tonight I got the white paint and covered the stain. That wasn't good enough. Then I sorted his toys, took his winter clothes and put them away, removed the last few things that belonged to his dad, put all the bedding in the laundry, dusted everything even the ceiling fan. I cleaned the floors, wiped down the blinds and window sills. Then I used a whole can of disinfectant spray on the mattress, the blinds, toys the walls, ceiling fan, closets, and finally the ceiling.
By the end I was sitting on the edge of the bed sobbing my eyes out. I am okay now but for a few minutes I wasn't sure.
Praying for all of us right now!
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Here I Am
I have spent a lot of time over the past several months mourning the little boy that I raised who grew up to be a drug addict. I still love both of them more than I can ever express to either of them. I also miss them both with all my heart! Not the addict so much but the man I know he could be.
My husband is having a really hard time right now. He was the hard ass through every thing that we have all been through in the past several years. He never gave himself permission to mourn the boy we will never have back. I'm not sure how to support him.
I am okay with where I am at. I take care of my business, try not to worry about the business of everyone else and fumble through each day the best I can.
I guess my husband's journey is his. I have to let him travel it. I'll hug him when he will let me and hand him a tissue when needed.
Addictions sucks for everyone!
On a fun note, my grandson was here this weekend and he "helped"with the flower beds. Here is a picture after only a few minutes and we are not even half way done. Love that little boy!
My husband is having a really hard time right now. He was the hard ass through every thing that we have all been through in the past several years. He never gave himself permission to mourn the boy we will never have back. I'm not sure how to support him.
I am okay with where I am at. I take care of my business, try not to worry about the business of everyone else and fumble through each day the best I can.
I guess my husband's journey is his. I have to let him travel it. I'll hug him when he will let me and hand him a tissue when needed.
Addictions sucks for everyone!
On a fun note, my grandson was here this weekend and he "helped"with the flower beds. Here is a picture after only a few minutes and we are not even half way done. Love that little boy!
Friday, March 16, 2012
Changing my address from Crazy Town to Serenity City
For a lot of years, 8 now to be exact, I have been in crisis mode with my son. He started using at the age of 15 and it was pretty much Crazy Town at my house anytime he was there. We always knew that it was just a matter of time before some kind of insanity ensued. For those years I let his addiction determine my schedule. If I had plans for the weekend and he screwed up then I cancelled the plans to deal with his screw up. If I planned to work out after work and he was having a melt down, I'd cancel my plans to go council him. I re-worked my work schedule so many times to get him to GED classes when he dropped out of high school, doctor's appointments, ER trips, counseling, court, probation appointments. We all know this routine too well.
In the past several months I have begun to realize that I have let so much of my life go in order to deal with his life. I don't go to lunch with friends anymore, don't often join my co-workers for lunch, don't call my sisters as much, and don't join in any kind of group activities. I am working on that now.
My husband I have joined a church that is very involved in community service and it feels good to be involved in something that gives to others in a positive way. We enjoy talking about what we are going to do in two years when we get some bills paid off. I am planning my flower garden for the spring and summer. If I get invited to join co-workers for lunch I force myself to go even when I am really not in the mood. I always feel better afterward. My sisters and I are planning a trip this fall to run the Route 66 half marathon in Tulsa. I am working on getting a room fixed up for my grandson. I've started running again and even bought a cool new pair of running shoes. I take time to read books that aren't on the topic of addiction.
See none of those things include my son at all! I think back to all of the days, weeks and months that all, I mean every bit of my time was spent trying to figure out a way to fix my son and I think, "How crazy is that?".
I don't want to live in Crazy Town anymore. Time to move on.
Praying for us all today.
In the past several months I have begun to realize that I have let so much of my life go in order to deal with his life. I don't go to lunch with friends anymore, don't often join my co-workers for lunch, don't call my sisters as much, and don't join in any kind of group activities. I am working on that now.
My husband I have joined a church that is very involved in community service and it feels good to be involved in something that gives to others in a positive way. We enjoy talking about what we are going to do in two years when we get some bills paid off. I am planning my flower garden for the spring and summer. If I get invited to join co-workers for lunch I force myself to go even when I am really not in the mood. I always feel better afterward. My sisters and I are planning a trip this fall to run the Route 66 half marathon in Tulsa. I am working on getting a room fixed up for my grandson. I've started running again and even bought a cool new pair of running shoes. I take time to read books that aren't on the topic of addiction.
See none of those things include my son at all! I think back to all of the days, weeks and months that all, I mean every bit of my time was spent trying to figure out a way to fix my son and I think, "How crazy is that?".
I don't want to live in Crazy Town anymore. Time to move on.
Praying for us all today.
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
He seems happy, shouldn't I be happy for him?
I sent my son a message this morning to let him know that we took the grandson to the ER again last night. He was running a temp, coughing and wouldn't eat. I was afraid that he had pneumonia again or at the very least an ear infection. His mom called and asked me to take them at around 8:00 last night. It turned out to be a viral infection complete with a nice rash on his belly and back. I offered to keep him last night and today so that mom could be rested for her work day and not have to worry about what to do if he was still running a temp this morning. She doesn't get sick days where she works and she just missed two days a few weeks ago while he was in the hospital. When we got out of the ER at 11:00 I took his mom home and then brought him to my house and put him to bed.
My son just called and told me that I really need to call him when things like that happen. I told him that I don't think that it is MY responsibility to call him at all but that I did let him know what happened this morning. I mean, he is 5 hours away and he has no transportation. What could would it have done?
Anyway, he is headed to a different city with a band for the next week. He will help promote the show the band is doing and will help with the travel, set up and tear down. He has done this in our city and has really been very successful. That is why this friend of his offered to let him come and work for him. My son is in his element. He loves this stuff and he seems happy about this part of his move. Part of me is very happy for him. Part of me is very sad that I am here taking care of his sick son instead of him.
I'll just keep doing what I do because I know that it is the right thing for me to do. Today I AM thankful that my son is alive and seems happy with where he is at. I am thankful that my grandson's mom is confident enough in me to call when she needs my support. I am thankful that I have a job that allows me to take a sick day and still get paid. Most of all I am thankful that my grandson is on the mend and is taking a nap just a room away from me and that in about 15 minutes he will wake up and want to sit on my lap and watch Dora.
Today is good!
My son just called and told me that I really need to call him when things like that happen. I told him that I don't think that it is MY responsibility to call him at all but that I did let him know what happened this morning. I mean, he is 5 hours away and he has no transportation. What could would it have done?
Anyway, he is headed to a different city with a band for the next week. He will help promote the show the band is doing and will help with the travel, set up and tear down. He has done this in our city and has really been very successful. That is why this friend of his offered to let him come and work for him. My son is in his element. He loves this stuff and he seems happy about this part of his move. Part of me is very happy for him. Part of me is very sad that I am here taking care of his sick son instead of him.
I'll just keep doing what I do because I know that it is the right thing for me to do. Today I AM thankful that my son is alive and seems happy with where he is at. I am thankful that my grandson's mom is confident enough in me to call when she needs my support. I am thankful that I have a job that allows me to take a sick day and still get paid. Most of all I am thankful that my grandson is on the mend and is taking a nap just a room away from me and that in about 15 minutes he will wake up and want to sit on my lap and watch Dora.
Today is good!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
100 Posts!
I never thought I'd be sharing such intimate details of my life with the blogosphere like I have in the last 100 posts that I have written. I am not sure I would be as healthy as I am today without writing about what is going on with my son and reading what others write about their addicted children.
I haven't talked much about any of the other addicts in my life. There have been a few. I probably didn't know it at the time but as I look back I can see that they were.
My brother is an alcoholic. I think I have known that for a few years but I had never said it out loud. None of our family has. He calls me at late hours after he has had a few drinks. I used to answer all the calls no matter what time he called but decided a couple of years ago not to answer if I wasn't in the mood to talk to him.
He sent me a text yesterday cussing me out for not including his 20 year old son in the activities that my sisters and I participated in this past weekend. I was shocked! He has never ussed that type of language with me. I am the oldest of six children and he is the fourth. Because of our age difference I ended up playing the mother role for a good portion of his growing up time. It felt like he had slapped me when I read the text. I responded to him by telling him that I love him but that he was way out of line. He apologized this morning. I'm sure he didn't even remember sending it.
My nephew goes to college near where we were all together and yes, he was invited to go out to eat with the sisters and to come hang out at their hotel. I didn't invite him to my house because my addict son was there at the time and I really didn't want to expose my nephew to any potential drama. We all know how quickly things can go south with an addict in the house.
Anyway, today I said it out loud. My brother is an alcoholic. There is no way to pretty that up is there?
Praying for yours and for mine today.
I haven't talked much about any of the other addicts in my life. There have been a few. I probably didn't know it at the time but as I look back I can see that they were.
My brother is an alcoholic. I think I have known that for a few years but I had never said it out loud. None of our family has. He calls me at late hours after he has had a few drinks. I used to answer all the calls no matter what time he called but decided a couple of years ago not to answer if I wasn't in the mood to talk to him.
He sent me a text yesterday cussing me out for not including his 20 year old son in the activities that my sisters and I participated in this past weekend. I was shocked! He has never ussed that type of language with me. I am the oldest of six children and he is the fourth. Because of our age difference I ended up playing the mother role for a good portion of his growing up time. It felt like he had slapped me when I read the text. I responded to him by telling him that I love him but that he was way out of line. He apologized this morning. I'm sure he didn't even remember sending it.
My nephew goes to college near where we were all together and yes, he was invited to go out to eat with the sisters and to come hang out at their hotel. I didn't invite him to my house because my addict son was there at the time and I really didn't want to expose my nephew to any potential drama. We all know how quickly things can go south with an addict in the house.
Anyway, today I said it out loud. My brother is an alcoholic. There is no way to pretty that up is there?
Praying for yours and for mine today.
Monday, March 5, 2012
He is gone!
My son left yesterday to begin his journey in another state. I wish this journey included a recovery program but it doesn't. He says he has a job and a place to stay when he gets there. He seems to think everything will be different there. I hope that he is right.
We allowed him to come to our home on Friday to stay the night with his son. He was supposed to leave on Saturday morning to go to the new place. His friends were paying for a bus ticket and were planning to take him to the bus station. I knew it wouldn't be this simple. He waited too late to get to the bus station so the trip was delayed until Sunday morning and of course he needed a ride because the other folks wigged out.
The last binge he went on he lost every piece of clothing that he owned. He literally only had the clothes on his back. I took him to Goodwill to get a few things and our local box discount store for what he couldn't get there. He left with more clothes than he has had in the past two years. How long will he have them, who knows?
It amazes me how he walks off and leaves everything without a second thought. His clothes and now his son too. I have been struggling with that a little. I don't get it. My husband and I weren't always the perfect parents but we were always there for our kids.
When we thought he was leaving on Saturday his dad gave him cash for the trip. We had agreed to do that beforehand but I didn't know that his dad had already given him the money and told him he could keep the bus fare the friends gave him and that we would buy the ticket on line and he could use that money for the trip. He didn't bother to tell me that his dad had already given him $50 for the trip. So, he had about $170 in is pocket at one point. Of course he had to go and see a "friend" for a little bit Saturday evening. I am sure you know what condition he came back in. I didn't confront him I just told him he needed to be up and ready when it was time to leave in the a.m.
He was able to get himself up and his stuff in the car. I had the feeling of deja vu. It seems like I have been sending him away forever but nothing changes for him.
I have made a lot of changes in myself these past few months. I still think I am in a good place for me. I felt a little sad when I walked away from him on Sunday. Ordinarily I would have waited for him to get on the bus but I had plans that morning and I refused to put those aside for him. I have done that too many times in the past and I told him this last go around that I would no longer schedule my life around his. I was already going in the direction of the bus station or the story might have been different.
Anyway, in spite of the expected amount of drama with him in our house, I had a good weekend. My sisters and I spent Saturday at the zoo with their kids and my grandson. I invited my son to come and he did. I am glad that the two of them had that positive time together before my son left town. On Sunday before I dropped him off at the bus station my sisters, my niece and I ran a 10K race together. We didn't break any speed records but we had a good time together. After I dropped him off I attended our church's service Sunday. We spent the aftenoon doing yard work at a women's shelter.
I hope things work out for my son. Who knows? Maybe this is a good thing for him to do. Maybe getting away from the old crowd and old expectations is just the thing that he needs right now. I guess only time will tell.
Happy Monday everyone!
We allowed him to come to our home on Friday to stay the night with his son. He was supposed to leave on Saturday morning to go to the new place. His friends were paying for a bus ticket and were planning to take him to the bus station. I knew it wouldn't be this simple. He waited too late to get to the bus station so the trip was delayed until Sunday morning and of course he needed a ride because the other folks wigged out.
The last binge he went on he lost every piece of clothing that he owned. He literally only had the clothes on his back. I took him to Goodwill to get a few things and our local box discount store for what he couldn't get there. He left with more clothes than he has had in the past two years. How long will he have them, who knows?
It amazes me how he walks off and leaves everything without a second thought. His clothes and now his son too. I have been struggling with that a little. I don't get it. My husband and I weren't always the perfect parents but we were always there for our kids.
When we thought he was leaving on Saturday his dad gave him cash for the trip. We had agreed to do that beforehand but I didn't know that his dad had already given him the money and told him he could keep the bus fare the friends gave him and that we would buy the ticket on line and he could use that money for the trip. He didn't bother to tell me that his dad had already given him $50 for the trip. So, he had about $170 in is pocket at one point. Of course he had to go and see a "friend" for a little bit Saturday evening. I am sure you know what condition he came back in. I didn't confront him I just told him he needed to be up and ready when it was time to leave in the a.m.
He was able to get himself up and his stuff in the car. I had the feeling of deja vu. It seems like I have been sending him away forever but nothing changes for him.
I have made a lot of changes in myself these past few months. I still think I am in a good place for me. I felt a little sad when I walked away from him on Sunday. Ordinarily I would have waited for him to get on the bus but I had plans that morning and I refused to put those aside for him. I have done that too many times in the past and I told him this last go around that I would no longer schedule my life around his. I was already going in the direction of the bus station or the story might have been different.
Anyway, in spite of the expected amount of drama with him in our house, I had a good weekend. My sisters and I spent Saturday at the zoo with their kids and my grandson. I invited my son to come and he did. I am glad that the two of them had that positive time together before my son left town. On Sunday before I dropped him off at the bus station my sisters, my niece and I ran a 10K race together. We didn't break any speed records but we had a good time together. After I dropped him off I attended our church's service Sunday. We spent the aftenoon doing yard work at a women's shelter.
I hope things work out for my son. Who knows? Maybe this is a good thing for him to do. Maybe getting away from the old crowd and old expectations is just the thing that he needs right now. I guess only time will tell.
Happy Monday everyone!
Thursday, March 1, 2012
All by myself......
That is a rare thing for me. There is usually always someone at my house. Not the house full that there used to be but at least a person or two. There is always a little dog here but they don't make a lot of rukus and they really don't demand a lot....mostly.
I enjoy a few hours alone occasionally. It gives me time to take care of some things around the house without folks under foot. It also gives me some time to think and reflect which is something POA's don't always get because we are usually in reaction mode.
My son says he is moving away. Almost a state and a half away. He supposedly has a friend who has a place and a job for him when he gets there. My son is my "friend" on Facebook and it looks like this is true. This friend of his supposedly (isn't funny how we even write with doubt?) is buying him a bus ticket to get there.
We haven't talked much since the last go around. I did tell him he would never live in my house again. The woman he left rehab called me a couple of times and told me he stole pills from her and left her stranded. I wished her the best, reminded her where she met him, and hung up the phone. I get so tired of taking care of the collateral damage.
Tonight I am in a good place with myself. It IS possible to find PEACE!!!!! I don't feel responsible for anything that is about to happen. I don't question my relationship with my son, my grandson's mom, or with my grandson. I feel solid and peace filled on all counts. It is what it is and I am who I am!!!
Praying for yours and for mine tonight. PEACE is possible!!!
I enjoy a few hours alone occasionally. It gives me time to take care of some things around the house without folks under foot. It also gives me some time to think and reflect which is something POA's don't always get because we are usually in reaction mode.
My son says he is moving away. Almost a state and a half away. He supposedly has a friend who has a place and a job for him when he gets there. My son is my "friend" on Facebook and it looks like this is true. This friend of his supposedly (isn't funny how we even write with doubt?) is buying him a bus ticket to get there.
We haven't talked much since the last go around. I did tell him he would never live in my house again. The woman he left rehab called me a couple of times and told me he stole pills from her and left her stranded. I wished her the best, reminded her where she met him, and hung up the phone. I get so tired of taking care of the collateral damage.
Tonight I am in a good place with myself. It IS possible to find PEACE!!!!! I don't feel responsible for anything that is about to happen. I don't question my relationship with my son, my grandson's mom, or with my grandson. I feel solid and peace filled on all counts. It is what it is and I am who I am!!!
Praying for yours and for mine tonight. PEACE is possible!!!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
A New Rule For Me
I have decided that I will not answer unknown phone numbers. We didn't reactivate my son's phone after he got out of rehab. Now I have many numbers that he has called from in the past 8 days. This proves that if he wants to make a call he can get access to a phone.
This morning my phone started ringing and I just had a feeling that it was him. I didn't answer it and he left a voice message telling me that he has a place to stay until he "gets on his feet" and that he has no explanation for the recent turn of events but that he is sorry and he loves me. Oh, and to tell his son that he loves him when I see him.
I am glad that I didn't talk to him. I'm feeling better this morning but I am not ready to deal with him. He sounded sober but who knows? Isn't funny that we know what "sounding sober" is! LOL
If I do talk to him at some point I will let him know what my new rule is. I will tell him that he can leave a message and give me the choice whether to call him back or not.
My oldest son was so ratteld by yesterday that he we asked him to spend the evening with us. His wife was out of town. We had some pretty frank conversations. He loves his brother but he understands that he can't help him. It was really good to have him here with us.
I slept off and on all day yesterday and 12.5 hours last night. I don't know if it is because of this bug that I have or stress. Maybe a combo of the both?
Thank you for all of your supportive comments. I REALLY am not sure I would be doing as well as I am without you. I read about those of you that have kids in recovery and that helps me to retain hope. When I read about all of you living daily with the knowledge that your kids are in active addiction and how you cope and read the comments that we leave for each other, that gives me strength to move forward in my recovery.
Happy Saturday!
This morning my phone started ringing and I just had a feeling that it was him. I didn't answer it and he left a voice message telling me that he has a place to stay until he "gets on his feet" and that he has no explanation for the recent turn of events but that he is sorry and he loves me. Oh, and to tell his son that he loves him when I see him.
I am glad that I didn't talk to him. I'm feeling better this morning but I am not ready to deal with him. He sounded sober but who knows? Isn't funny that we know what "sounding sober" is! LOL
If I do talk to him at some point I will let him know what my new rule is. I will tell him that he can leave a message and give me the choice whether to call him back or not.
My oldest son was so ratteld by yesterday that he we asked him to spend the evening with us. His wife was out of town. We had some pretty frank conversations. He loves his brother but he understands that he can't help him. It was really good to have him here with us.
I slept off and on all day yesterday and 12.5 hours last night. I don't know if it is because of this bug that I have or stress. Maybe a combo of the both?
Thank you for all of your supportive comments. I REALLY am not sure I would be doing as well as I am without you. I read about those of you that have kids in recovery and that helps me to retain hope. When I read about all of you living daily with the knowledge that your kids are in active addiction and how you cope and read the comments that we leave for each other, that gives me strength to move forward in my recovery.
Happy Saturday!
Friday, February 24, 2012
Friday Morning Wake Up Call
My phone rang at 5 a.m. this morning....guess who? "Mom, I'm in jail". Surprise!
He said that he was arrested because the girl he was with was driving drunk. He said he needed me to come and get him. I told him that I would not come and get him and he began to get very upset saying that he had tried to kill himself while he was there. I told him that it sounded like he needed to be a hospital more than he needed to be in my car headed to my house. He began to cry and plead and I just hung up and turned off my phone and went back to sleep.
Later I learned that he had called his older brother to come and get him. I have tried to protect my older son and daughter-in-law from most of the crap that we deal with. This is the first time he has be on the "front line" with his little brother. I don't think he will but himself out there again. My older son took his brother to his home and gave him a place to sleep. The thanks that my older son and his wife got was that my addicted son stole money and credit cards from my son's wife's purse. He was too out of it and passed out holding the cards and money.
The plan my son had was to take his brother to work with him and then let him stay with them a couple of days with them. That didn't work out. My younger son was disrespectful to his brother and he asked him to get out of the car then he called the cops to let them know that he was making suicide threats.
My mother-in-law received a phone call too.
It was a very drama filled day but I missed out on most of it because I have been in bed sick all day. I am only hearing the report from other people. I refused to let myself get worked up. I saw this coming a mile away.
He now has an order to appear in court for the public drunkenness charge. Who wants to take bets on whether he shows or not?
What a week! Looking forward to the weekend. Hope I feel better tomorrow.
He said that he was arrested because the girl he was with was driving drunk. He said he needed me to come and get him. I told him that I would not come and get him and he began to get very upset saying that he had tried to kill himself while he was there. I told him that it sounded like he needed to be a hospital more than he needed to be in my car headed to my house. He began to cry and plead and I just hung up and turned off my phone and went back to sleep.
Later I learned that he had called his older brother to come and get him. I have tried to protect my older son and daughter-in-law from most of the crap that we deal with. This is the first time he has be on the "front line" with his little brother. I don't think he will but himself out there again. My older son took his brother to his home and gave him a place to sleep. The thanks that my older son and his wife got was that my addicted son stole money and credit cards from my son's wife's purse. He was too out of it and passed out holding the cards and money.
The plan my son had was to take his brother to work with him and then let him stay with them a couple of days with them. That didn't work out. My younger son was disrespectful to his brother and he asked him to get out of the car then he called the cops to let them know that he was making suicide threats.
My mother-in-law received a phone call too.
It was a very drama filled day but I missed out on most of it because I have been in bed sick all day. I am only hearing the report from other people. I refused to let myself get worked up. I saw this coming a mile away.
He now has an order to appear in court for the public drunkenness charge. Who wants to take bets on whether he shows or not?
What a week! Looking forward to the weekend. Hope I feel better tomorrow.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Extended Family
Everyone has their opinion about things. Those opinions are based on their view of the world, their belief system and how much knowledge they have about a topic. I know before I was immersed into the world of addiction through my son I had certain opinions about all that myself.
That is why I don't get overly frustrated at my extended family for not understanding where I am at emotionally with my son right now. I haven't seen him in a full week. I have only spoken to him a couple of times and every time he has been demanding and rude. Needless to say, those have been very short conversations.
His son got sick this weekend and ended up in the ER twice. I told my son at 11:30 Sunday morning that they were going and what the symptoms were. He never called to find out what happened but he did call on Tuesday wanting someone to come and pick him up and bring him to our house on Wednesday. Not one time did he ask about his son! He spoke to his dad about the ride and his dad told him if he was outside his office building by 5 he could have a ride. He would have to walk to get there. We both told him that we aren't rescheduling our lives to accommodate him anymore. Needless to say he didn't walk the 7 miles to get there. He called me at 5:30 and asked if I would pick him up today. I said that he would need to call me and let me know where he was. It is almost time for me to leave and he hasn't called. I'm not sad about that.
Anyway, the grandson ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. It was so pitiful to see him hooked up to IV's and oxygen. He stayed overnight on Monday and was released on Tuesday afternoon and is now on the way to being a happy, active little 17 month old.
I know this a rambling post and I apologize to anyone that may be reading it. My point is that I am so disgusted with my son that I don't want to talk to anyone about him. I am tired of him being the topic of conversation all the time, tired of the drama, tired of it all. My mom and sisters asked if I told my son that the grandson was in the hospital. I told them that I hadn't because I don't know where he is, who he is with, or what he has been doing. The last thing anyone needed was for him to show up at the hospital high. It was stressful enough. He was supposed to be at my house visiting the baby and chose not to be. If he had been where he was supposed to be he would have known what was going on.
My mom called this morning to check on the baby and asked about my son today. I told her that I had heard from him but that I really rather not talk about him. I told her that I love my son but I really, really, don't like him at all and that I don't have the time or energy to spend worrying about him. Her response was, "Welllll".
What concerns me right now is that he will just show up at my house thinking everything is cool and that we will welcome him back and not say a thing. Every time I check my comments the first thing I see is Helga's response to my last post, "Your home is not a FLOP HOUSE!" I think I am going to take the Home Sweet Home sampler down and put one up that says MY HOME IS NOT A FLOP HOUSE! If I knew how to embroider. LOL
Anyway, sorry for a long rambling post that probably doesn't make a lot of sense but I feel better! Tonight my husband and I are going out to hear James McMurtry play...on a school night no less!
Praying for us all! Trying to keep hope in my heart.
That is why I don't get overly frustrated at my extended family for not understanding where I am at emotionally with my son right now. I haven't seen him in a full week. I have only spoken to him a couple of times and every time he has been demanding and rude. Needless to say, those have been very short conversations.
His son got sick this weekend and ended up in the ER twice. I told my son at 11:30 Sunday morning that they were going and what the symptoms were. He never called to find out what happened but he did call on Tuesday wanting someone to come and pick him up and bring him to our house on Wednesday. Not one time did he ask about his son! He spoke to his dad about the ride and his dad told him if he was outside his office building by 5 he could have a ride. He would have to walk to get there. We both told him that we aren't rescheduling our lives to accommodate him anymore. Needless to say he didn't walk the 7 miles to get there. He called me at 5:30 and asked if I would pick him up today. I said that he would need to call me and let me know where he was. It is almost time for me to leave and he hasn't called. I'm not sad about that.
Anyway, the grandson ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. It was so pitiful to see him hooked up to IV's and oxygen. He stayed overnight on Monday and was released on Tuesday afternoon and is now on the way to being a happy, active little 17 month old.
I know this a rambling post and I apologize to anyone that may be reading it. My point is that I am so disgusted with my son that I don't want to talk to anyone about him. I am tired of him being the topic of conversation all the time, tired of the drama, tired of it all. My mom and sisters asked if I told my son that the grandson was in the hospital. I told them that I hadn't because I don't know where he is, who he is with, or what he has been doing. The last thing anyone needed was for him to show up at the hospital high. It was stressful enough. He was supposed to be at my house visiting the baby and chose not to be. If he had been where he was supposed to be he would have known what was going on.
My mom called this morning to check on the baby and asked about my son today. I told her that I had heard from him but that I really rather not talk about him. I told her that I love my son but I really, really, don't like him at all and that I don't have the time or energy to spend worrying about him. Her response was, "Welllll".
What concerns me right now is that he will just show up at my house thinking everything is cool and that we will welcome him back and not say a thing. Every time I check my comments the first thing I see is Helga's response to my last post, "Your home is not a FLOP HOUSE!" I think I am going to take the Home Sweet Home sampler down and put one up that says MY HOME IS NOT A FLOP HOUSE! If I knew how to embroider. LOL
Anyway, sorry for a long rambling post that probably doesn't make a lot of sense but I feel better! Tonight my husband and I are going out to hear James McMurtry play...on a school night no less!
Praying for us all! Trying to keep hope in my heart.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Here is where we are again!!!!!
Okay, so his fling from rehab came into town. They have been shacked up in a "no tell motel" since yesterday. His son is here with me tonight and I am totally fine with that but it makes me sad that his dad picks a woman over him......but I am letting that go. Grandson and I had an awesome evening and we will have an awesome tomorrow before I take him back to his mom tomorrow afternoon.
It is time to let him go......again. I have to remind myself that I don't owe him a damn thing at this point. He has rejected everything that we have offered. Mom is DONE!
My grandson fell asleep on my lap, I can hear him in the next room snoring. There is no better feeling than that!
Peace to everyone.
It is time to let him go......again. I have to remind myself that I don't owe him a damn thing at this point. He has rejected everything that we have offered. Mom is DONE!
My grandson fell asleep on my lap, I can hear him in the next room snoring. There is no better feeling than that!
Peace to everyone.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Anxiety
I can see my son getting more and more depressed and anxious. I am working hard not to absorb any of that from him. He asked his son's mom if he could keep the baby Sunday afternoon and Sunday night then promptly passed the responsibility to me because he needed a nap, then he needed to go to bed early. Some of those old feelings are nagging me right now. We promised a drug test and I am thinking that it might be time for one.
The rules for living in our home are very simple to understand. You get food and a warm place to sleep as long as your follow just a few guidelines.
1. Don't use drugs
2. Don't drink
3. Don't ask for money
4.Look for a job
5. Keep your body clean
6. Keep your room clean
7. Pick up after yourself
8. Take responsibility for the baby when he is there
9. No visitors at our home
10. Be respectful to the others in the home by not taking their stuff without permission, observing quiet times and speaking with a respectful tone.
Pretty much in that order. He has not asked for money, other than sleeping all the time there has been no indication of drug use. He is not doing so well in the other departments.
I have told him that we don't live well together. He is going to have to leave soon I can feel it coming. At least I entered this situation with my eyes open this time.
But for today, at this moment, I am looking forward to going out to eat with my husband. It is not only Valentine's Day but it is also half price pizza night at our favorite place! :-)
The rules for living in our home are very simple to understand. You get food and a warm place to sleep as long as your follow just a few guidelines.
1. Don't use drugs
2. Don't drink
3. Don't ask for money
4.Look for a job
5. Keep your body clean
6. Keep your room clean
7. Pick up after yourself
8. Take responsibility for the baby when he is there
9. No visitors at our home
10. Be respectful to the others in the home by not taking their stuff without permission, observing quiet times and speaking with a respectful tone.
Pretty much in that order. He has not asked for money, other than sleeping all the time there has been no indication of drug use. He is not doing so well in the other departments.
I have told him that we don't live well together. He is going to have to leave soon I can feel it coming. At least I entered this situation with my eyes open this time.
But for today, at this moment, I am looking forward to going out to eat with my husband. It is not only Valentine's Day but it is also half price pizza night at our favorite place! :-)
Friday, February 10, 2012
Week Three
My son has been in our home for a little over 3 weeks now. He hasn't left the house other to go with us to visit family and outside to smoke. As far as I know he is only talking to a couple of people from rehab and his baby's mom (who is actually still his wife). He is really not doing anything but eating and sleeping at the moment.
He came and sat on the end of my bed one evening when we were at home alone. He apologized for hurting me when he was using. Then he launched into the story of how he started using opiates, when he used a needle the first time and what triggered the last two years of chaos. He started abusing opiates after he had surgery on his wrist. He was prescribed pain medication but I monitored that very closely, he was 15 when this happened. An adult neighbor offered him some Oxycontin around this same time and he said he was instantly in love with that high. That was the beginning. This same neighbor ran a construction business in addition to his drug selling business. He let my son work for him in exchange for oxy. Makes my head spin to think about it. My son said the first thing he shot up was meth and coke but he preferred opiates.
As a result of the injury that made the surgery necessary my son was awarded an insurance settlement. This was to be used for college. He was receiving a $3,000 check every six months starting when he turned 18. He did use a couple of those checks for college expenses, the rest have been used for drugs. He recieved his last check in December of 2010. That is when things really started going downhill fast. He spent about $2500 in 6 weeks. He and his wife and baby were living with us at the time. This is also about the time he started stealing from us. His wife and baby moved out in February of 2011. Almost exactly one year ago now.
I let him know that as far as I am concerned there is no anger and I have pretty much let the past go. I am only concerned for what he manages to do today.
Some todays are easier to stay in than others. I have to work at it all the time.
He came and sat on the end of my bed one evening when we were at home alone. He apologized for hurting me when he was using. Then he launched into the story of how he started using opiates, when he used a needle the first time and what triggered the last two years of chaos. He started abusing opiates after he had surgery on his wrist. He was prescribed pain medication but I monitored that very closely, he was 15 when this happened. An adult neighbor offered him some Oxycontin around this same time and he said he was instantly in love with that high. That was the beginning. This same neighbor ran a construction business in addition to his drug selling business. He let my son work for him in exchange for oxy. Makes my head spin to think about it. My son said the first thing he shot up was meth and coke but he preferred opiates.
As a result of the injury that made the surgery necessary my son was awarded an insurance settlement. This was to be used for college. He was receiving a $3,000 check every six months starting when he turned 18. He did use a couple of those checks for college expenses, the rest have been used for drugs. He recieved his last check in December of 2010. That is when things really started going downhill fast. He spent about $2500 in 6 weeks. He and his wife and baby were living with us at the time. This is also about the time he started stealing from us. His wife and baby moved out in February of 2011. Almost exactly one year ago now.
I let him know that as far as I am concerned there is no anger and I have pretty much let the past go. I am only concerned for what he manages to do today.
Some todays are easier to stay in than others. I have to work at it all the time.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Enjoying Now
I really try to remind myself to enjoy the moment that I am in. At times I find myself wondering about next year, next week even tomorrow so much that I am miserable and filled with anxiety. I really have to stop and take a deep breath and then remind myself that I don't have control over what happens so I need to just let it go. I repeat those words over and over to myself and aloud until I can let whatever it is go.
I have to say that we had really great weekend with my grandson and my son. We took them both to visit my family who live 3 hours away from us. My grandson loved playing with all my nieces and nephews. He particularly took a liking to my 20 year old nephew who stands about 6'4". It was a pretty funny sight to see a 16 month old leading the 20 year old around by the finger. We teased that the grandson had a pet giant.
It was even more satisfying when my grandson showed preference for his dad over me. This tells me that there must be something trust worthy to him about his dad right now.
There were a couple of tense moments. My son wanted to meet a friend of his from rehab on the way out of town to pick up some books that he left behind when he left rehab. I told him that I would be checking the books and anything else that he got from the guy. I did and everything was fine.
I don't know when or if I'll ever get to the point that I totally trust him but he seemed to understand that I don't.
For this moment all is good!
Happy Monday everyone!
I have to say that we had really great weekend with my grandson and my son. We took them both to visit my family who live 3 hours away from us. My grandson loved playing with all my nieces and nephews. He particularly took a liking to my 20 year old nephew who stands about 6'4". It was a pretty funny sight to see a 16 month old leading the 20 year old around by the finger. We teased that the grandson had a pet giant.
It was even more satisfying when my grandson showed preference for his dad over me. This tells me that there must be something trust worthy to him about his dad right now.
There were a couple of tense moments. My son wanted to meet a friend of his from rehab on the way out of town to pick up some books that he left behind when he left rehab. I told him that I would be checking the books and anything else that he got from the guy. I did and everything was fine.
I don't know when or if I'll ever get to the point that I totally trust him but he seemed to understand that I don't.
For this moment all is good!
Happy Monday everyone!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Being an enabler
When I spoke to my son the other evening and I talked about what I was willing to do for him and what I can no longer do for him I told him that all the recovering addicts that I talk tell me that every addict needs at least one dependable co-dependent enabler to make using drugs and alcohol easier for them. First, I think he was shocked that I have taken the time to learn more about addiction and that I actually talk to folks in recovery. Secondly, I think he was shocked when he heard me say, "I know that I have been your enabler. I don't want to do that anymore. I won't take part in you killing yourself and I love you too much to watch you do it".
You know, just saying those words out loud to him were so freeing. I meant them with all my being. I said them with love, without anger and without resentment. As the saying goes, "It is what it is".
I know that I will have sad and difficult days with regard to him. But today is a great day! I never really thought I could feel this peaceful again. Maybe I have never felt it.
Wishing all you a peace filled Wednesday. You are all in my prayers.
You know, just saying those words out loud to him were so freeing. I meant them with all my being. I said them with love, without anger and without resentment. As the saying goes, "It is what it is".
I know that I will have sad and difficult days with regard to him. But today is a great day! I never really thought I could feel this peaceful again. Maybe I have never felt it.
Wishing all you a peace filled Wednesday. You are all in my prayers.
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