Before the latest episode with my son I had given some consideration to letting him get a ride with me to visit friends in another state. My sisters and I had plans to go to that particular city for a sister's weekend so, what would it hurt?
I was a little apprehensive but was willing to do it because it is also my son's birthday weekend. After the he used in my home only 24 hours after getting there, I changed my mind. I told him that I wanted to be able to go away with my sisters and not have to worry about what he would be doing and whether or not he would be where he needed to be when it was time to leave. I just was not comfortable with the whole idea any longer.
He said, "Mom, you wouldn't have anything to worry about."
To which I replied, "You have not earned the right to tell me that I wouldn't have to worry and have me believe it."
It is sad but I don't think I will ever be able to take him at his word again. I feel like my guard goes up everytime he opens his mouth. I gauge and measure every word he says to me to try and filter out the truth from the lies, the genuine from the manipulation.
Peace to us all.
Although I have accepted that I am powerless over my son's addiction so too have I had to accept that I need to protect myself and the rest of my family. Will I ever let my guard down? Sadly, I dont see it ever happening. I so feel your words my friend.
ReplyDeleteMaybe we don't need to let our guards down. We just need to learn to keep them up and be happy with it.
DeleteSherri and Terri,
ReplyDeleteYou are right not to let your guard down. You MUST do what you have to do to protect yourself. It is called having HEALTHY boundaries.
Will I ever be able to let my guard down? Can I ever trust my son again? I can't see the future, currently I have my crystal ball in the shop for warranty work, it is still too cloudy inside to see past right now.
However, just a reminder, "ever" is a long time. I use to use that word a lot with Alex. There was no future so why even consider any possibilities. There is a miracle in recovery. You know the one solid never break rule don't you about cash and addicts, right? When my son was going on a family vacation (read blog) to Maryland. I reached into my billfold and pulled out 2 $100 bills. Handed them to him and said when you get to Maryland go out, take the family and have crab cakes on me.
Recovery and time is a wonderful thing. Protect yourself now, hold on to hope, never stop believing.
Amen! Well said!
Delete"Someday" you might feel differently....but for today you are making amazingly wise and healthy choices.
ReplyDeleteThanks. I don't second guess every decision I make rearding my son anymore. If it doesn't feel right to me I don't do it and what's even better....I don't feel guilty if I don't do it. :-)
DeleteI am with you Terri. Ron's son is in recovery, yours is not. My daughter has not done one thing to earn my trust back, and neither has your son done anything to earn yours. He just used in your home after you opened your door to him. To me this is the ultimate betrayal and disrespect. You have to do everything to preserve your sanity, valuables and integrity. You are showing your son that you are done with being played the fool. I know how hard this is, just totally against anything we have ever hoped for for these kids. But things are constantly changing and who knows, maybe one day it will all be different. This is my wish for you and me too.
ReplyDeleteThank you!
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