Experiments

 My grandson has celebrated two birthdays so far in his life. The top picture is him with his dad at the first birthday party. The bottom is of them at the second birthday party. Can any of you guess besides the baby being a year older and a year bigger what the difference is in the two pictures?

Ding, ding, ding, you are correct!!!! The photo on the top is when dad was at his peak of drug use just before he entered rehab about a month later. The second is after 30 + days clean and that much time working hard outside doing construction.

While it was very, very good to see my son clear eyed and healthy after 4 months of not seeing him at all, it wasn't to last.

I picked him up on Friday afternoon to bring him to our house for the birthday party. I had a meeting on that side of the state so it was convenient to swing by and pick him up. The trim, tan and toned young man was not the one who left my house after a one hour visit the first of June. He looked like a man instead of a drug dazed zombie. He looked like my son.

He had just gotten paid and asked that I take him by the bank to cash his check. He counted out $750. That was for one week of work. He started talking about what he was going to do at the end of December when the job they are working on is done. He said he might buy a truck, move to my parents home and get a job until he can save enough to move out. That sounded great to me because that meant that he wasn't planning on moving back to our side of the state.

Later in the car ride he told me that he planned to go and visit a friend whose brother was just killed in Afghanistan. He went to school with them both and got into trouble with them both. My stomach sank. He asked what was wrong and I told him that he has a bunch of cash, he is going to a place with triggers all around, and now he is talking about leaving the house and that worries me greatly. He offered to let me hold the money. I agreed to put it in our lock box. He re-thought that and said that he just wanted to prove to me that he could handle it. I agreed. Thinking to myself that whatever happens happens and he knows the consequences.

Sure enough, about an hour after the birthday party was over and all the family members were headed back home, a friend of his shows up. Within 30 minutes he was in the bathroom for a longer than usual time, then his voice is slurring, eyes lidded. His sister said that he looked high, I told my husband that he looked high to me. Husband disagreed but later in the evening admitted that I was right. Of course the next day he was still slow and his voice was soft and still slurred. I looked in the bathroom and saw soot, a blood splatter and a rolled up piece of cotton. It didn't take much more than that for me to know for sure.

While he was "napping" on the sofa right before time to take him back, I went through his wallet and there was only $257 left from his pay check. He legitimately spent some of it on his son for birthday presents, probably less than $100. The rest he spent on cigarettes, pot and opiates.

I went into his duffel bag and found the needle and two burned spoons and about a half ounce of pot. SIGH!! He realized they were gone and asked me why I went through his stuff. I just responded that we both know why. I was calm, refused to be provoked. I told him that I wasn't going to talk about it and that he needed to get his stuff together so we could leave.

He did and we got in the car and we are headed out for our 3 hour journey....one way.

Him: We had a good weekend!
Me: Yes, we did.
Long silence
Him: So what happens next?
Me: That is up to you.
Him: What does that mean?
Me: You can either continue to use or you can make the choice not to.
Long silence
Him: Are you going to keep me from seeing my son?
Me: No, but you will not be able to stay at my house overnight anymore. You will have to find somewhere else to stay. You can see him from morning until he goes to bed then you will have to leave. If you are high or feel like you need to use you will have to leave.
Him: What if I don't have to use?
Me: We already did that experiment and it didn't work. You will have to find another place to sleep next time you come to see him.

There was much more to that conversation bu that is the jest of it. When we got to my uncle's house I got out and helped him get his stuff out of the car, gave him a big hug and told him that I love him. He sent me a text later telling me that he was so angry at himself and that he loved me. I told him that I love him too.

I am just very thankful that we had a couple of good days. I hope this was a blip on the radar and does not turn into a full blown relapse. It is funny when you really don't have expectations for how things should turn out the disappointment level is a lot lower than it is when  you do.

I hope you all have a great week. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.