Life Goes On

On the 26th day of May 26 years ago my brother was killed in an automobile accident. He was 16 years old and had a 16 year old friend in the car with him. The friend was killed as too. A small community, where everyone knows everyone, lost two young men in a matter of seconds. Two families lost a piece of their heart. Two families will forever have an empty spot at the table on holidays.

They weren't where they were supposed to be. My brother told my mom that he was just going a mile up the road to watch  movies with his friend. He was supposed to be home by midnight. He never made it back.

A police officer came to my families home and told my mother that her son had been killed.

I was married and living 4 hours away and was planning to leave that day to go visit my family to celebrate Memorial Day. The phone call came at 4 a.m. I answered the phone and my then 18 year old sister asked to speak to my husband. It didn't occur to me at that moment to consider something could be wrong. I remember clearly my husband walking down the hallway in the tiny trailer we lived in on campus telling me he needed to tell me something. I immediately asked if it was my dad...my mom? When he told me it was my brother I fell to my knees. The landscape of my family changed forever that day.

It was a head on collision. The guys in the other car were injured and hosptialized. My brother's funeral was the day before his friend's funeral. My sister graduated valdictorian of her senior class 3 days later. My parents fell apart and were pretty much absent for a few years.

Life has a way of moving forward regardless of death. My family has grown. My remaining 4 siblings married and have children. My parents are the grandparents of 11 grandchildren and one great grandchild. There is still an empty spot at the table on holidays. That space will never be filled.

My brother and his friend were killed by a drunk driver. Two young men died needlessly. Their families forever deprived of their prescence.


The driver of the car, my brother, made a poor choice that night. A choice that hurts still today.

Peace and hope to us all!

Another one of THOSE days

I feel like I cope well most days lately. I have re-learned how good it is to laugh....I mean really laugh until my stomach muscles hurt. Taking time to leave my desk at work and go walk through the rose gardens that I can see from my window is a treat I allow myself. Most days letting go of the notion that I have control of anything but myself gets easier. So, I feel like I am in a much better place overall.

On Wednesday evening of this week a calling card from a warrant officer was left in my front door. Right before my son left the state he was cited for 3 counts of paraphernalia and was given a court date, of course he didn't go. Now he has a failure to appear. I have know this for weeks and have been able to let it go. Somehow, seeing that card brought the world crashing around me. I'm not sure why. I started thinking about how unfair it is that I have an addicted son, how I have police officers leaving their cards at my house, how I know more about drug addiction than I ever thought possible. I know what addiction looks like, smells like and the damage it does to everyone and everything it touches.

I am suspicious of everything. The other day I saw a little baggie on the driveway. I automatically assumed it was used to hold drugs. I could feel my blood pressure rise and my anxiety level sky rocket. I picked it up and it contained four little screws that must have fallen out of my husband's truck. All of that energy spent on nothing.

I am working on getting to a more level place. I feel better today but still feeling a little anxious. I keep reminding myself that there is hope, my son is alive today, so there is hope.

My grandson is coming tomorrow for the weekend. We plan to get him in the pool for the first time this year. He loved it last year, I hope he will this year too. I think after I get that little curly headed kiddo in my arms all will be right in my world again.


Prayers for us all today!

A Little More Cow Bell Makes Everything Cool!

I was just the Granny tonight and it was AWESOME! We ran and yelled and screamed. We ate mac and cheese and chicken nuggets. There was broccoli too, just to be on the safe side. I let him brush his own teeth, except the molars. Then two hours later his mom came to get him. Yea, ME!

Crazy Town: The previous generation.

My husband I were both raised in similar but opposite environments. We were both raised on Insanity Island just on different sides. He is an only child, I am the oldest of 6. His mother and father fought violently throughout their marriage. Sometimes he became the victim of that. He witnessed things that no child should have to witness. I never saw my parents fight but sometimes became the victim of my father's anger non-the-less. My parents were never home. His were home but they were never "there". He lived in the same clean, well kept home is entire life. We lived in random rent houses and then a trailer that my parents bought and then let fall apart around us.

The common thread between us is that we both would have been taken into protective custody by today's standards.

I know now that mine did the very best that they could. I don't blame them for any wrong doing. I wouldn't be who I am today if it weren't for them.

My husband's parents have been married 54 years, and are getting a divorce. My mother-in-law filed last week after my father-in-law hit her in the face with his elbow because she wasn't holding the wall paper they were putting up to suit him. They are both well into their 70's and my mother-in-law has finally had enough of his verbal and physical abuse. Of course they have both involved my husband in all of this insanity. He is doing really well about not taking sides but is getting multiple phone calls a day from his dad who doesn't quite understand why she left.

My parents are on a Navajo Reservation where my mom is working as a nurse. She hates nursing but loves the culture of the people there. My dad is in his early 70's and in poor health but won't admit it. My mom is 68 and has always done whatever it took to get through. They are there because they didn't plan well for retirement.

My in-laws on the other hand have done nothing but plan for retirement their whole lives.

I hope my husband and I fall in the middle somewhere. Hell, I hope my husband and I don't break under the constant pull from someome who needs something from us all the freakin time.

Don't know what this has to do with anything. I just needed to get it out.

Still praying for us all.