My son came into town to see his son, supposedly, over the weekend. He stayed at our house and he took advantage of the time in town to go and sign the divorce papers.
I tried to keep a positive outlook with the knowledge that he was going to be in town and in my house for two nights but I had a huge amount of anxiety all week last week. It was not something that I was looking forward to at all and for that there was just a smidge of guilt.
My grandson was at my house from Thursday evening until this morning. I love that little guy. He is my primary concern in all of this. Which is probably one reason I have been so pissed off since the minute my son walked in the door on Saturday morning at 1:30 a.m. after his dad picked him up at the bus station.
When they arrived back at our house there was a strange truck in the driveway. Guess what? My son went to the truck and my husband watched and felt pretty certain that there was a drug deal going on. I guess in retrospect we should have just called the police. Anyway, I got up at 4:30 a.m. because he was making a lot of noise in the kitchen. I told him to just go to bed. It was pretty obvious the he was drunk and/or high. When I got up at 7:30 with the baby my son was crouched sitting up in the fetal position on the kitchen floor. I ordered him out of the room because I didn't want the baby to see him like that.
When he finally woke up several hours later he told me that he had "just" been drinking. He said that he and the guy in the driveway went to a podunk bar in another town. My husband said that the son didn't leave with the guy.
He was the same lidded, nodding off self that he was the weekend before he moved away. When I was leaving to taking him back to the bus station on Sunday I asked my husband to take the bedding off his bed and put the mattress outside. Awhile back, a couple of you guys wrote about the awful smell that a heroin addict has. Lord have mercy! It was awful. In that process he found a two needles and a spoon in a bag in the room my son slept in. This is the same room that my grandson keeps his toys in!!! I wanted to harm my son at that moment. What if my grandson found that needle and spoon!?
The only good thing my son did this weekend is sign the divorce papers. In the papers my husband and I have the right to exercise visitation even if my son doesn't or can't. That is a rare thing in our state. I feel blessed to have that in writing. The visitation is to be supervised if/when it happens by my husband and/or myself. I was also named the executor of a annuity that will be paid to my grandson upon my son's 25th birthday.
He called his dad when he arrived in the town he resides in at 11:30 last night and said that his bag was lost along the way. What did he expect us to do? We speculate that he was passed out on the bus and that they had to wake him up to get him off and someone walked off with his bag....Whatever! That is something he is going to have to deal with.
I told my son that if he comes back into town that he needs to find a different place to stay. He can't stay at our house again. I can't deal with the chaos he brings just by walking through the door.
My husband and I will be okay. I just really haven't had time to decompress from all of this yet...
Praying for us all.
Terri,
ReplyDeleteI am so sad to read this.
You got your priorities right, take care of that grandson whenever you can. Your grandson has nothing to deserve this.
When Alex was using once when he left we cleaned his room, of course we found "stuff". But what we did too was tear down his bed. He no longer had a bed in our home. We emptied his dresser and closet. Everything went into big rubbermaid containers. Everything was put into a large closet including the mattresses.
Our son no longer had a bed at our home. I told Darlene I would pay for a motel before he ever spent another night in our home and put us through our hell again. More likely we would just say NO. Ultimately the cost of a motel was less than our grief of a weekend like you just had.
Our boundary was we would no longer live in a home where drugs were being used illegally. That left me options, including motels for him or us. That made it easier to do what we had to do. His bed was in storage waiting for him to take it someplace he was living.
Be strong and realize that your life is valuable to those that love you and to those you love. Do not allow your son to abuse that love. Sounds strange but I always thought of it like this with my son, unconditional love with conditions.
Thanks for that, Ron! We are going to move the baby's things to another room and re-do that room completely. He has no bed in our home. I moved all his belongings out when he left the last time. He simply cannot stay there. I can't risk my grandson or my health and sanity. No, parent should have to see their child like that. Certainly, no child should see their parent in that condition.
DeleteI am so glad that that baby boy has you in his life Terri. You are so strong. Also, I really appreciate Ron's comment too. I am always just finding my way. Thanks for sharing.
ReplyDeleteAnnette, I struggle every day. Sometimes it just feels right. That is where I am!
DeleteWow Terri, unbelievable. Well, not really, just sad. I can tell though how far you have come since I started reading your blog. Yes, it is heart wrenching, but you are doing the right thing. It is sad for the little one to have a dad like that, but you are making up for it. I admire your strength. It's just not fair.
ReplyDeleteYou are so right! Not unbelievable at all. I expected something along these lines. It always happens when he is here. Strength???? Not me. I just do what I think is right.
DeleteIt is not right! It is what it is.
and thank you!! I feel like I am further along the path. :-)
DeleteOh geez, sorry to hear all this. Ugh. But the good and wonderful thing is your precious grandson! I am so glad you and your husband are part of his life and ALWAYS WILL BE!
ReplyDeleteThanks, Barbara. Yes, very wonderful that we will have this baby in our life! He brings me peace just by being on the earth.
DeleteTerri,
ReplyDeletei just read through your entire blog, very heart-wrenching and well written. You brought out a lot of emotion as i can see through your entries what my own mother must have gone through.
I too am about your son's age, slightly older, and share an almost identical experience. When you wrote about how your son, just after getting out of rehab, sat at the foot of your bed and described his addiction it struck a chord with me.
Opiates in all form, heroin being the deepest/darkest have a life altering grip on your life and tear your heart/spirit/soul from your body as the addiction grows.
The deeper you travel into addiction, the farther gone you become. This is clearly not "your son," this is opiates or the devil himself inside your son.
Speaking from experience, the good news is that one day an addict decides that you just can't take it anymore! You just can't take it anymore, not even one time more! Something snaps and it all comes clear in the mind, you would rather experience the pain than take it away so simply.
Pray and have faith that one day soon your son will reach that point. I did and now am 10 months sober, by no means out of the woods but certainly doing and feeling a lot better, My relationship with my mother is too!
Overall, reading your blog two thoughts came to mind.
1) "It's all in the eyes"- you said "the eyes are the gateway to your soul." Believe your instincts on this, my own mother could always "tell" when she looked at my eyes.
2) When you found a needle with "orange stuff" in it - could that have been suboxone? Suboxone is an absolute wonder drug and it bridged a gap for me between quitting opiates and starting to be able to function again in society. I don't know your knowledge of or thoughts on Suboxone but i would not discourage it if that is a path your son ever chooses.
MY heart goes out to you Terri - you are a VERY strong mother who clearly loves her son and only wants the best things in the world for him. He sounds like a great guy underneath the darkness, i will pray for him and you so that one day you may put this all behind you.
Best,
John
John,
DeleteThank your for responding to this. Every time I hear that there is someone in recovery from this aweful disease makes me hopeful that my son will get there too....before he dies.
Keep in touch with me.
terri
Terri - I'm so sorry to read what you have been going through lately. I'm glad you are able to find some happiness through your grandson. I hope and pray for your son to find his "Enough!" point -- as Anon above mentioned.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you!
Needed that hug more than you know! Thanks.
Delete