We had a nice quiet weekend as planned. Until last night when my son called. I didn't answer the phone but I did text back asking him not to call because I am not ready to speak to him. He sent me a text back asking me not to help take his baby away from him. I told him that he is the one causing that to happen because of his refusal to accept that drugs are causing problems in his life. He never responded.
This morning I feel highly anxious wondering if I have done the right thing by refusing contact with him. Everything I read backs my decision up. Do we ever get to quit second guessing ourselves? I keep waiting for complete peace and serenity to wash over me. I know enough about the Al-Anon steps to know that this doesn't happen until near the end of the 12 steps. What do we do in the mean time? I think I got the first step. I know I cannot control the addict or his use. Is refusing contact another way of trying to control his behavior?
I used to consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person. Lately I feel like I should be sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on.
You don't need a dunce cap, maybe a nice warm blanket or a hug from a friend. For me, feelings of serenity and peace are fleeting. They come and go and all the head knowledge in the world will not stop my heart from aching or my head from second guessing myself.
ReplyDeleteFor what its worth, I think you are doing the right thing. Sure wish that meant it was easier to do :(
I think we have to practice serenity and practice peace. We have to make a conscious effort to work at allowing ourselfs to "feel our anxious feelings" and then let them go. It takes work -- it's our recovery.
ReplyDeleteIt's like stinkin thinkin. We can't indulge in it. We have to move through it. Sometimes I would have to physically change what I was doing when I started drifting into those elusive feelings. What do they say in Alanon. "Own Your Power".
And like anything you practice...you will get better.
God Bless
PS He probably never responded because he had nothing to say. He knows you are right.
Thank you both. I feel weak because I am needing constant validation lately. Hopefully if I keep at it this will all become second nature to me.
ReplyDeleteThis is nothing short of heartbreaking. Ever. That is why it is so hard. Losing our kids to drugs and not being in touch with them hurts. More than anything else. But life goes on. I have hard days and easy days. I used to "indulge" in the hard days and cry a lot. But it did not change anything. Now I am practicing peace and serenity and I have gotten pretty good at it. It only took seven years....Don't give up!
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