I think it has happened to me. I have been reading blogs about addicts not getting to the quitting point until they get tired of doing what they have been doing for so long. I think I am tired of doing what I have been doing for so long as the mother of an addict. I really don't want him in my life anymore if he is using. What led to this? He was given a bonus weekend with his 11 month old son and he blew it.
My grandson's mom will only let them visit in my home and only if I am here to supervise and while I think that is a good idea, I am really getting tired of the responsibility. There is no legal paperwork that says I have the say about where the baby goes and with whom while he is at my house. I know that his dad could walk out with him at any time and that there is nothing I can do about it. There is no divorce and no custody arrangements.
I didn't hear from my son all week last week. On Thursday I sent him a text to see if he needed a ride to my house. I work less than a mile from his apartment. My house is 26 miles away from there. He said that he had to work on Friday night. Had a chance to make $150. Okay. I pick the baby up anyway and bring him to my house. On Saturday my son called and said that his ride wigged out on him and he couldn't get here until Sunday morning. Okay. We had a great time with the grandson without him. On Sunday he arrived at 2:30, high and with some woman and her 4 month old daughter. He couldn't put a sentence together, kept going to sleep and he had those eyes. Pin point pupils. He said he was just tired. I put up with it for about an hour then told him it was time for him to go home. The woman and her baby left without him. I took him back to his apartment just to get him gone and I didn't want him making a scene in front of the baby. He sat in the back seat with the baby and slept the whole way. The baby kept pulling on his dad's shirt saying "da" "da". I wanted to push my son out on the side of the road and just leave him. I couldn't get my son out of my car fast enough. When we got to the apartment he proceeded to tell me how I embarrassed him in front of his friend and that if I cared at all I would apologize. Then he tried to kiss his son good bye and the baby pulled away from him. He said that the baby was acting like he didn't like him. I told him that his son is probably mad at him for bringing another baby into the house. I know, I know you can't reason with someone who is high. I was just so angry and still am.
I am there. I don't know what this is going to mean in the long run but I don't want to see this any more and I don't want my grandson to see it all. It breaks my heart......some more.
There was a time I felt the same way about my son. I was just so tired of it all. I didn't see or talk to him for three months. It was a great break.
ReplyDeleteAlso with my daughter. Actually there was a time when I would only see her in passing on the streets. I read about her more in the paper than I actually saw her.
When they are using why put ourselves through the stress? There is nothing we can do for them, so we best focus on ourselves.
I am currently raising my daugher's three children. I've had them for two years. The one thing I absolutely would not tolerate was a parent showing up high for visitation. And I never allowed visitation in my house. She's out of rehab now for about 5 months. Still a pain in the butt. But I allow the children to visit her. I still don't want her in my house.
While my situation is different than yours, I can understand how disgusted you are.
If your son wants to see his son, let him arrange it with the mom, find his own transporation, etc. Usually Child Welfare Depts have facilities where supervised visitian can take place. Your son might have to pay for the "visitation", but hey, what better way to see just how committed he is?
My suggestion to you would be to not allow your son in your home at all until he has made the decision to get into recovery.
The fact that he thinks you should apologize shows how out of it he is.
Time to take a break from it all.
God Bless
yaya, once again thank you for sharing your wisdom. I was never sure I would get to this point. It is sad and liberating all at the same time. I wrote a letter to my son telling him that I can't have him in my life until he is in recovery. I won't answer the phone or return texts. If he shows up at my house I will call the police to have him removed and if I need to I will file a restraining order against him. I took your advice and told him that he will have to work out visits with his son's mother. (that is more appropriate anyway isn't it?) I let him know that I love him but I can't live this way any longer. I won't put my safety and especially the safety of my grandson at risk any longer.
ReplyDeleteYou can always just visit with the grandson if the mom is willing to let you do that. You had him by yourself for the most time this weekend anyway. There is no reason for your son to put a strain on the relationship between you and this precious child. It is his choice to miss out on somthing beautiful. His loss must not be your loss too. You are making wise decisions and you are fortunate to be able to be part of this baby's life. I wish I had this opportunity. The more people are involved in this child's life in a positive way, the better off he'll be.
ReplyDeleteBristolvol, I am very fortunate to have maintained a good realtionship with my grandson's mother. In fact she and I are riding to work together this week while her car is in the shop. I have spoken to her very frankly about the situation with my son. She is supportive of my decision and is also supportive of me having contact with the baby. She trusts me to keep him safe.
ReplyDeleteI am blessed to have this contact. Not seeing him would be an additional heart break. I feel for you that you don't get to see your daughter's children. You are right, the children of addicts need as many positive influences in their lives as possble.
Thank you for your supportive words.
Hey Terri, I can see how you've gotten to this point. Yaya had some good suggestions, it seems best if child services were involved. Its a blessing that you are so close with your little guy's mom. He needs his grandma in his life,grandparents are so important (and fun!)
ReplyDeleteI'm wishing the best for you and your son. I hope he has an awakening soon - before his son is old enough to realize what's going on.
PS Every time I come here I read your "about me" because I love that you have a rat-chi :)
Barbara, my rat-chi makes me smile too...no matter how bad I feel. :-)
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