Thursday, September 15, 2011

Limits

I wish that somewhere it was written in stone that in order to have serenity we all must abide by a prescribed set of limits and these limits were the same for every person and every family. I am beginning to see that is is more about what I am comfortable with and not so much what I hear other people saying are the recovery "laws". If you read enough about recovery and addiction you will eventually hear the experts contradict each other, which can become confusing at times.

As I read the blogs of other parents that have an addicted child in their lives I see variance in what are considered appropriate limits. Some say, no way do you let the addict in your home, others say they can come if they are sober at the time. The only consistent thing that I see throughout is don't give money and don't do anything for them that should be capable of doing for themselves.

I am working on defining the limits that I am comfortable with. I am learning that I am not comfortable with a lot of the things I used to allow and thought I had to live with.

It is a process. One day at a time.
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10 comments:

  1. BristolvolSeptember 15, 2011 at 7:37 PM

    I believe that they have to be in recovery in order to live in your home again. If they have stolen from you or deceived you in any way, they have to earn your trust back before they are allowed to live there again. They have to abide by your rules and you have to set your boundaries. If they don't honor those, no living at home is possible for them. Your home is your refuge, you pay to live there, it's your personal space that you can only share if you trust the people you are living with.

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  2. TerriSeptember 15, 2011 at 8:08 PM

    Oh, I agree! He will not live in my house, at this point ever. I am enjoying the quiet and peacefulness of not dealing with him everyday. I can't trust him not to steal or disrespect our household rules. It is nice to go to bed at night and not worry about who is going to be in and out of my driveway during the night. I am with you!

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  3. addiction journalSeptember 16, 2011 at 9:28 AM

    here is a twist...my son ( 2 years clean ) in my opinion is an addict . He is in recovery yet still an addict ( a 12 step point of view i guess ..being boston based it's big here ) ..anyway...this week I lent hi $350.00

    In active addiction i would not lend him 35 cents! ...time is one of the variables that can affect the decisions and interactions w/ our "addicted" kids...

    At this point i leave my car keys around, wallet out at night, etc etc...back then ( in his active days) ..the SAFE was used constantly..
    Yes most parents of addicts have a safe...

    Mines just a bit dustier these days....that is a good thing

    peace and strength!

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  4. beachteacherSeptember 17, 2011 at 8:44 PM

    you're so right....I have a safe,...and may it also get dusty :) Good for you. I'm not yet at the "leaving the wallet and car keys out" stage, but I sure hope I will be, given more time.

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  5. TerriSeptember 17, 2011 at 8:49 PM

    We have a safe...not so dusty. We also have a key lock on our bedroom door. When our son is here we use both.

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  6. ToriSeptember 19, 2011 at 12:08 AM

    I so understand your post. It is very confusing and I had a really hard time trying to do what I felt was right for my family.

    My prayers are with you.

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  7. yayaSeptember 20, 2011 at 8:42 AM

    I've never let either of my addicts (in recovery or not) live in my house. I instinctively knew it wouldn't work. I would be a wreck.

    But what also made the decision easy for me was the fact that I don't beleive a man in their early twenties should be living at home at all (except for health or mental issues; which addiction is neither).

    There is a time to grow up, support yourself, and leave the nest. I so often refer to the bird kingdom. If baby birds don't leave the nest at a certain time, parent birds will, literally, peck them to death.

    By the time our kids are in their early twenties (actually way before that) we've done all the parenting we are going to do. Our relationship with our children has to grow and move on to another stage.

    In the name of love, we hold them back from growing up. When we continue to take care of their basic needs, we deny them the opportunity to fend for themselves.

    I am not a doctor or a counselor. I don't know what's best for recovering addicts. Sober living facilites do.

    Just my two cents.

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  8. TerriSeptember 20, 2011 at 3:49 PM

    I promise I am not relapsing!!!! He isn't going to live with me. I don't want that living in my house, don't have to have it living in my house. After this past weekend may never allow it to even stay more than a couple of hours at my house.

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  9. Bar L.September 20, 2011 at 9:55 PM

    Well said. We are the only ones that know for sure what our individual limits and allowances should be. Its so damn hard living like this. Thinking about you.

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  10. TerriSeptember 22, 2011 at 9:19 PM

    Thanks, Barbara. Thinking about you and Keven too.

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