Looking forward

I'm still here. The holiday was a little tougher than I anticipated. This was the first Christmas in 25 years that I didn't get to at least see my son. We spoke to him on the phone on Christmas Eve. He talked to his son for a minute. My grandson asked his dad, "What is your name?" That was a punch in the stomach for me. My grandson is only 3 and it has been 3 months since he has seen his dad and it will be another month at least before he will see him again. That is a very long time for a little boy.

Everyone says that he is too little to remember all this but I'm not so sure. On Christmas day the grandson seemed a little lost and sad. I think part of him knows that his dad is supposed to be there. It breaks my heart for both of them.

My crazy in-laws were there and complicated things. They divorced after 51 years of marriage last year. The father-in-law recently moved back in with the mother-in-law. Every time she got me away from the rest of the family she wanted to complain about him. At one point I put my hand on her shoulder and simply said, "So, nothing has changed has it?" and walked away.

Other than those things the rest of the holiday went well. I enjoyed watching the grands open their presents from Santa. My daughter got to spend some quality time with her big brother after the rest of us went to bed on Christmas Eve. She said that his was the best Christmas she has had in a long time and thanked us for it. I know it was more than the gifts and that means a lot.

I resigned my job and the 31st will be my last day. It is a little scary but it is time for me to move on. In addition to the family issues I have been working on (not dealing with, I'm changing the way I think about this) I have a supervisor who can't be pleased. If I take her own words and put them in a report she finds error. I have worked too long in this field to have to put up with that. Anyway, I am relieved to start a new year without worrying about coming back to this desk. I'll find something else soon. My husband is very supportive and is encouraging me to view the time off as a vacation and as a time to re energized and find my balance. Wouldn't that be nice? To feel balanced again?

Anyway, I hope you all got through the holidays with no blips.

Here are a couple of pictures of my grand babies on Christmas. They make me smile and I hope they make you smile as well.

Different Pages

Dad and I are dealing with our son's incarceration in different ways. Dad wants to disown him, not take phone calls, not go see him, never allow him back in our home ever. He is angry that I am not there and can't understand why I have taken phone calls from him. He can't understand why I would even want to speak to him period.

I can't just throw my son away. I'm not doing anything to enable his addiction. I have just talked to him a couple of times. I am concerned. There have been no deposits to his "book". I haven't been to visit and I have only written one letter.

I don't understand. Maybe I do, maybe Dad is just protecting himself.

I hate feeling this way.

My Letter

I waited until after the Thanksgiving holiday to write my son back. I forgot to mention that he specified an amount that I should put on his books. Usually when he specifies an amount for anything he already has something on is mind.

I told him that we love him so much. We aren't surprised that he is where he is at. I shared that I have learned from other POAs that and addict will eventually end up in jail or dead and that I have been preparing myself to hear both about him for years. I told him that I am very happy that I got the phone call that he is in jail and that I didn't have to open the door for a police officer to tell me he had died from overdose, accident or had been murdered.

He had indicated that the conditions there were not bad but weren't great either in his letter to us. I pointed out that he is not on vacation, he is in jail because he committed a crime and living in less than ideal conditions is part of the consequence.

I repeated something that I have told him numerous times, that drugs have controlled his life for years now. During that time he has lost a marriage, contact with his son, a relationship with his family, jobs, homes, money, belongings and now his freedom.

I listed the things that he asked for in his letter and gave my response to those requests.

1. Phone card - If he needs to contact someone other than us, then that person can provide a phone card for that purpose. He may call us collect one time a week.

2. Paper, envelops and stamps - I will provide a couple of pieces of paper and a stamped envelop when I write him. He can use those to write whomever he pleases.

3. Money on his book - I pay for his son's daycare, give the son's mom money because he doesn't pay child support and I have to pay his utility bill because it is in my name. I don't have the money to put on his book.

4. Socks - If he needs them I will see if I can drop the ones he already has off at the jail.

He also needs to know that after December he will no longer have an apartment so he needs to plan for a place to stay when he gets out of jail in January.

I repeated that I love him so, so much but that I don't like the person that drugs have made him and that person is not someone that I would pick to associate with. I told him that I have hope that he will find his way.

Even reading back over this it feels harsh. I have never drawn such a straight line in the sand with him before. I just feel like this is the right thing to do at the right time. I just pray that it is so.

Take care everyone.

His Letter

My son sent a note to he father and me. It basically told us the same thing that he told me during our phone conversation last week. He told us that he was safe for and that he is tired of running and was going to deal with the hand he has been dealt.

He also gave us a list of things that we can provide or send to him. We could put money on his book, send him a phone card, send him paper and stamped envelopes. He has no socks so that would be nice too. Geez Louise!

I am going to write back today and tell him that I am not going to send a phone card but that I will allow one collect call to us a week. I don't feel like I want to give him a phone card so that he can call the people he has been using with. He can have one of them to send him a phone card if they want to talk to him.

I will also tell him that I will include a couple of pieces of paper and a stamped envelope with each letter that I mail to him. Again, I don't feel obligated to provide a way for him to contact his friends.

He needs socks! I couldn't begin to count the number of times that I have replaced socks that he lost or left behind somewhere. I'll go to his apartment gather up what is there and take them to the jail.

Money on his book, why? I am taking care of his son's financial needs. I don't begrudge that for my grandson at all but I don't feel obligated to meet my son's financial needs.

He got himself in this mess. I really, really don't feel like I need to do anything at this point. He's uncomfortable, GOOD! He needs to feel it.

The holidays went well. We spent a lot of time with the grandbabies and  spent time with my family.

It was strange at my parents home. No on asked about my son except my mom. She just wanted to know if we had heard from him. I assumed that everyone knew what was going on and just wanted to ignore it. That was fine with me. I didn't want to talk about it.

We are preparing for Christmas now. What better way to start than with a holiday photo shoot with the granddaughter! I love taking pictures and like trying new things. I had a more fun taking the pictures that Miss Emmy had I am sure. These things make me smile! I am thankful that this little girl has a mommy and daddy who are sober and who make her the center of their lives.

"Guess where I am at?"

I finally answered the phone yesterday and this is how I was greeted. I calmly responded that we knew he was in jail and why. He couldn't understand how we found out. I said, "It was in the paper".

He was silent for a breath. He said he got tired of running. My smart mouth said, "Well, I heard you got tackled and had no choice but stop". I know he meant something different. I probably should have kept my mouth shut.

He is in for 30 days on an old warrant. One I knew nothing about but am not a bit surprised. His court date on the new charge is not until January 21st. Unless he bonds out. I told him that we would not bond him out. He said his prepared to just be there until he is released. He informed me that he will not be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I sort of already had that much figured out.

He still has a warrant in a near by city for unpaid fines. I don't know how that works....will they check for other warrants before they release him? If not I may suggest he turn himself in and just get it over.

When he gets out he will have no apartment and no job. He will be homeless again. I hope he will work on something for when he gets out. He said that he wrote me a letter and asked that I write him back. I will let him know that we won't pay his rent while he is in there and that I will go talk to the landlord about releasing both of us from the lease.

I guess I will be the one to go clean out the apartment. I can only imagine what I will find. I'll plan to take a bunch of black trash bags and just load most of it into those. The only thing of value he has there is the microwave that I bought him (if it is still there) but even that is not worth much.

I learned a valuable lesson from this. I won't ever put my  name on a lease or utilities with him again. Well, I won't say never but the situation will need to be totally different than it was this time. I'll go with my gut instead of my heart.

He said that he is safe and he just wants to get all this over with. I hope he means everything, drugs, the drug life style the whole thing.

Today I am thankful. I am thankful that I will spend the holidays with my family of origin along with my husband, other two children, my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren. I am thankful that my son is not out on the street and that I won't wonder all day tomorrow if he has food to eat and whether he is cold and lonely. I am thankful that for today he is alive and that there is still hope that he will find his way to the right path.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!! No matter how bad things are with your addicted child remember that if they are alive today be thankful and be hopeful that tomorrow could be the day they turn around.

There isn't an instruction book for this

I am a little confounded. I'm not sure how I am "supposed" to feel right now. My son has been in jail for 3 days now. We haven't heard from him so he probably doesn't know we know where he is.

He has been in city jail before in our small community. This was because I pushed the issue. He was on probation for threatening a former girlfriend and he was not keeping his probation appointments and not paying fines or doing his community service work. The reason he wasn't doing these things is because he was staying high. He was selling his stuff to get money to buy drugs. I did what  a lot of us POAs do. I manipulated the situation and shamed the probation officer and convinced him that my son needed to learn a lesson. He was picked up and spent 6 days in city jail. That happened 5 years ago. Did my manipulation cause any changes in my son? Nope!

He has never been in the jail of the largest county jail in our state with a very diverse population. I don't know how he has avoided it, I really don't. I know he has been doing illegal things for most of the time he has lived there.

I don't really want to talk to him. That is my choice. I don't want to hear him whine and beg. This is his to deal with. Not mine.

I don't feel sad about him missing the holiday. He may have been with us during the holidays in the past but he wasn't really present. We have had to be on guard the whole time he was with us. Watching our belongings, watching him to see if he looked high, watching him with his son to make sure nothing bad happened because he was high. Actually, I am relieved that he won't be with us. Does that make me a bad mom?

I don't feel guilt because he is in jail. He put himself there, I didn't have a thing to do with it. I was miles away safely asleep in my own bed when he decided to rob that young woman. I have no desire, have not had one thought about posting his bond.

I do feel terribly sad that he continues down the path of self-destruction. I hope that he thinks about how he got to where he is at and decides to make some changes.

Well, as the saying goes, "Where there is life there is hope".

He finally got caught

It was bound to happen sooner or later. My son was arrested last night for robbery.

My daughter got a facebook message from one of my son's friends. The friend asked if she had heard what had happened to her brother. She called me to see if I knew but I hadn't heard anything at that point. My mind went to some of the worst case scenarios. He had cheated someone and gotten beaten up, he got high and mouthed off and got beaten up, he overdosed, etc. etc. etc. My husband I were making plans to go to his apartment after work to check on him.

My husband checked online for recent local arrests and there he was, mug shot and all. I think my husband does this routinely when we aren't sure what's up with our son.

He was pretending to be lost and was asking for directions through the window of a car. I guess the passenger was a female and he reached in a took her purse and took off running. Another passenger jumped out and tackled him and held him until the police got there. After running his ID they found out he had another warrant out for his arrest. I am guessing that one is for unpaid fines in another city. I could be wrong about that. There may be others I don't know anything about.

His bond is $35,000. We won't be going to a bail bondsman to get him out. I am relieved that he is there for now. I know he will have something to eat, a place to sleep, and maybe a minute to clear his head. I don't know what will happen next but it will be up to him to figure that out.

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend.

Another scared mom

I've mentioned a friend of my daughter's who is an opiate addict iin this blog before. It hurts my daughter to see her friend go down the same path as her brother. They have been buds since junior high school and it especially hurts now because the friend is pregnant. My daughter can't wrap her brain around the fact the the friend is pregnant and still using.  Truly, I can't either but I know it happens all the time. It hurts me to know what she does to that poor baby every time she uses.

The mother of this young woman called me last night because she couldn't reach her daughter and the daughter had told her she was staying with my daughter. I hated to tell her that my daughter had actually been at my house for the past two nights and that I hadn't seen her daughter. The daughter had been gone for two days with no word. Her mother thinks that the pregnancy is keeping her daughter sober. My daughter saw her friend at the mall a week ago and she was so high my daughter was embarrassed to be near her so she excused herself and left.

In my state if a baby is born with drugs in it's system the state gets involved. I told this mom that information and told her to try and make her daughter understand that if she continues to use she runs the risk of having her child removed from her at birth. This mom is a nurse and seems to have no understanding of the danger her daughter could be putting her unborn baby in and the nature of the withdrawals that the baby could have when it is born. I am flabbergasted!

I told the mom that there are a few rehabs in our state that will admit a pregnant addict and allow them to stay after the baby is born with the baby. I am checking on those for her today.

Please keep this family and this unborn baby in your prayers and thoughts.

Profiles

My grandson spent a couple of nights with us over the weekend. He always wants to sleep with "gawanny" when he comes over and of course what "gawanny" can refuse a cute little fella anything? When he wakes up in the mornings he always asks, "Will you snuggle me?" well, of course!

This weekend I woke up and just watched him sleep for a little bit. Except for his curly hair his profile looks just like his dad's at that age. It made my heart hurt just a little to see the image of my son at the age of 3 right next to me. The innocent little boy before drugs. When I could still make things better for him with a kiss on the cheek and a Ninja Turtle bandage.

I haven't seen my son in about a month now and he showed up at my office today. Security let me know he was downstairs and asked if I wanted him to come up or if I just wanted him to wait there. I asked that they have him wait. I had no idea what shape in might be in or what he might want from me.

He was shaved and looked neat from a distance. When I got closer I could smell that he hadn't bathed in a day or so. He was thinner than he was the last time I saw him and very pale. I told him he looked really thin to me and he said it was because he walks everywhere he goes.

He wanted to know about Thanksgiving. I told him that if he could pass a drug test next Wednesday that he could ride with us to his grandparent's home with us. This is a 3 hour trip to and from. He said that he hasn't used in a couple of weeks now. I told him what I had heard from a couple of different people. Of course those are all lies. As he is calling BS on all those people I noticed a blood stain on the front of his shirt. SIGH....

Anyway, I set my boundary. It will be up to him to stay within that boundary. Will it be hard not to take him with us if he test positive? Yes, I am pretty sure it will be hard but I am ready to stick to my guns.

For today I know that he is alive. I keep repeating to myself that where there is life there is hope.

Don't Judge

I mentioned last spring when my son was in rehab that my husband and I noticed that there was a judge from our community in family group. His son was in the same rehab my son was in for the same addiction.

We ignored each other the first few times we were all there. Finally he came up and shook my hand. I have run into him a few times in the building we both work in. If no one else is around we ask each other how the other's son is doing. Last time we talked his son had relapsed and mine was doing well.

He was presenting at a conference I was at this week. We were both standing in a doorway chatting when the question was asked, "How is your son?". I told him that he is back out there. He said he was sorry. His son is doing okay today. I told him that I wish my son would get arrested. He said that if he is in jail at least I would know he is alive. I just shook my head. He replied, "I know, I've been there".

As he walked away he reached out and touched my arm. That spoke volumes.

Praying for yours and mine tonight. Praying for you too.

Ooopsie!!!

My son accidentally sent a text to his dad offering to trade some acid for some coke. I had to Google the drug slang that he used to find out what he was talking about.

Dad sent a text back suggesting he watch who he is sending his drug deal messages to. He replied by asking, "Who dis?" Dad responded, "Your father". Son asked when he changed is phone number. He didn't.

He is really out there more than I have ever known him to. Maybe because he is closer to home this time and I am hearing more from people who know him. He robbed one of my daughter's friends this week. He grabbed her purse and ran away with it. I don't know if he knew she was a friend of his sister's or not. I told her to file a police report. I don't think she will.

He sent a text to me earlier in the week asking to "borrow" $60 so that he could take a lady friend on a date. He said he would be getting money through Western Union the next day. I told him that I didn't have $60 because I gave money to his son's mom so that she could get him to the doctor on Monday. Which was the truth. I suggested he wait until he got his money to take his friend out. I didn't question why he was getting money through Western Union because I really didn't care.

Why always $60? If I hadn't checked his cell phone a while back I wouldn't know that $60 will buy a morphine tablet. That is always the amount he stole from our bank account when he would take my debit card without permission. I know there is no logic to what addicts to but it seems like he might learn to ask for different amounts, not that I would give it to him.

On that same day he sent a text to his sister asking for a favor. She called me to ask what was going on with the son at that time. She has learned that there are times that she should just stay away from him. Very sad. They were close when they were kids. He is still very protective of her. I suggested that she not contact him.

Yesterday a woman that he has stayed with in the past sent his ex-wife an email that said that he is out of control, running with a meth-head woman. They shot up in her bathroom and left blood everywhere, ate her food and the woman stole some stuff from her closet. She later caught my son trying to break into her house. She told his ex-wife that he shouldn't be seeing his son. My ex-daughter-in-law sent the email to me.

I assured her that I will not let my son see the grandson if he is using. I told her that I know what is going on and that is why it has been almost two months since I have tried to arrange a visit for them. She trusts me to keep my grandson safe.

I am thankful that I had a nice weekend with him last weekend. I just pray that he will make it through this go around so that we can have more nice weekends in the future.

$20

It was only a $20 bill and if he had asked I might have given him a few dollars. He was the only person in my car besides me on Sunday, it was there when we left the house so he must have taken it while we were unloading the car at his apartment. All the silver change in my change holder was gone when I looked yesterday as well. That was probably only $1.00 at the most.

The reason I noticed it gone yesterday is that I told my grandson's mom that I would give it to her for gas money to take him to the doctor. When I went to get it, it was gone.

SIGH!

Biscuits and Gravy

There are three things that I cook that my son loves to eat, fried chicken, chicken and dumplings and biscuits and gravy.

He got up very early this morning after sleeping all day yesterday. He got up a couple of times yesterday to go to the bathroom and to eat. Other than that I didn't see him much. I did have an opportunity to suggest he go see a therapist. He said he would think about it.

He was out of bed when I got up. I got the newspaper and went outside to read it. It is a beautiful fall day here in Arkansas. When I came back in I asked if he would like to have some biscuits and gravy for breakfast. He looked at me like, "Duh!".

I cooked his food and put it on a plate all pretty like he did my supper on Friday night. I even sprinkled a little paprika on the gravy to give it color. He laughed when I told him that is what I had done. Then I went back to the kitchen and folded an napkin to look like a flower and handed it to him, he laughed again and stuck it behind his ear. It felt good to hear him laugh and to laugh with him.

My wallet went missing for a little bit this morning. I asked my son if he had seen it anywhere. His face fell, he said, "Mom, I really need for you to find your wallet. This is the first time I have spent the night here in a long time and I don't want to leave and it still be gone". I told him I was sure that it was in the house and I must have misplaced it. Actually, I hate to say that my first thought was that he took it. Old habits.

I found it pretty quickly and let him know. He was relieved. I told him that I take precautions when he is there and usually lock my stuff up. I let him know that those precautions were for both of us. So he isn't tempted and I don't have to be suspicious. Last night we ordered a pizza and I was afraid that I left it out, but I had put it in my bedroom in a drawer.

He apologized for sleeping all day yesterday. I told him it was okay, that his body must have needed to rest. He thanked me for letting him be here. He said he was afraid that this weekend would have been really bad if he had been there alone. I didn't press for details.

He started getting anxious and I told him that we would head back to his place as soon as I got my shower. When I came out of my bedroom he was sitting in a chair with his laundry basket at his feet. We loaded the car with some groceries that I bought for him and his clothes and I took him to his apartment. Part of me wanted to just keep him here. I know that wouldn't be good for either of us.  After we unloaded the car he gave me a big hug and thanked me again for letting him come here. I told him that I love him and that I would see him soon.

He took the left over biscuits with him. I hope when he eats one he will think about how much his mom loves him.

Son spent the night here

My son sent a text asking to spend the weekend at our house. He said he is sober, that I can take his phone and that he won't get one the Internet or leave the house. He offered to cook, clean, do any chores that I thought he should do if only he could come here and do his laundry and sleep in a good bed. He doesn't have a bed in his apartment and has been sleeping on a sofa that was given to him by a friend. He is out of food.

He said that he is missing his family and that he has cut off contact with people he was hanging out with to get high. Since he doesn't have a job he doesn't even have that contact with folks. I love him and I miss him and I felt sorry for him.

I told him that there was no alcohol in the house and that there never is when we are taking care of the grand babies. He was okay with that.

I let him come here last night. He cooked for me, brought my food to me an a nicely presented plate. Obviously he is learning a lot working for the various chefs he has worked for. He ate too. Then his brother and sister-in-law brought my granddaughter over for the night. My son played with her and made her laugh. He even held her while I got ready for bed. He was very pleasant to be with.

His thin, more thin than I ever remember him being. He brought some of his clothes home to wash. I picked up a t-shirt that had soot and blood all over it. That about brought me to my knees. If my granddaughter hadn't been here I am sure it would have.

He has been asleep all day. He got up once to say that he hasn't slept this long in awhile. Meth will do that to you. I told him to go ahead and stay again tonight. I still have his phone and will take the computer to my room before I go to bed.

Did I mess up? Will he make me pay later? I don't know. But for now he is safe and asleep. He ate well yesterday and can again today. I will take him back to his apartment in the morning. I just hope a couple of days at "home" safe from the world helps. If it doesn't at least I can say I did my best.

Hope you all are having a good weekend.

I got dumped.

He cancelled on me. Said he promised a buddy to go to a meeting with him. I said sure, no problem. Hmmmmmm!

Just for Today

Yesterday my son sent a text to both his dad and me saying that he was out of food and asked if we would either bring him some food or buy a gift card at a grocery store near him. His dad responded before I did and said he would get him a gift card. I would have gone and bought food and taken it to him but Dad responded first so he got the gift card.

Anyway, I spoke to him on the phone briefly after that and told him that I have his winter and fall clothes and will drop them off today before work. He said he was doing better and that he was going to meetings several times a day. I told him that I hoped it was working for him and that I love him.

This morning he sent a text asking if I would drop the clothes off later because he was on his way to a bus stop so that he could be sure and be at a job interview on time. I told him that would be fine and then he asked if I could take some stuff home and wash it for him. He didn't ask for money so he could do it himself. Maybe he is learning.

He also sent a text that said when things are really bad he wishes he could snuggle up next to me on the couch and feel safe like he did when he was little......or move to Australia. I told him that when things are really bad I wish that he was small enough to fit in my pocket so that I could carry him with me every place that I went so that I could make sure he was safe......and if was a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day, then I wish we could both go to Australia. (this comes from a book we used to read together when he was little).

I hope he is back on track. I have read many blogs where parents said that it seemed like their adult children seem to stay out for less and less time each relapse. I am seeing this with my son as well. The fear I think that all of us POAs have is that it only takes one relapse to kill our kids. I guess on the other side of that is that it could take only one relapse for them to realize they don't want to do it again.

For today my son seems to be moving back to the path of life. I pray this is so.

Should haves suck

I had to got to our storage shed and pull out some warmer clothes. I should have done that over the weekend. Should have should have should have.

A million should haves in my life. They don't change anything about today. Might not have changed anything yesterday either.

Anyway, I saw a box of my son's winter clothes. His coat was laying out. This is so hard.

He is still out there.

I got a message from a young woman that my son seems to always hook up with when he is deep in his addiction. She wants to "help" him. She does this by going to his apartment and cleaning for him and buying him food. Probably giving him money as well.

She told me that she stayed with him while he went through withdrawal and "took care of him". She left one morning only to come back and find him high. He is telling her he needs to be back in rehab. I told her that we gave him information and offered a ride if he could get in one. She said she is afraid he will overdose this time. I told her that we were afraid of that too.

I told her that I took him to a psychiatric hospital and he was there 4 days and as soon as he got out and got some money he was using again. I tried to convince her again this time that her focus should be on her and her kids (she has two young kids) not my son. I am wondering who has her kids while she is babysitting my son?

He sent his dad and me a text at 1:30 a.m. We don't check for text messages that late. If you really need to tell me something that late you better call and it better be important. My text just said, "Mom?" and Dad's just said, "Dad?". Later he sent one that asked me to call him when I woke up because he couldn't sleep and that something was eating his insides out. Meth will do that to a person.

I don't want to talk to him right now and I really don't want to see what he looks like. I know he is hurting, I know he doesn't like himself at all right now. I also know that there is not a damn thing I can do about it. This is his to take care of. I have to take care of myself and I know if I spoke to him or saw him that I would sprial back to a place that I don't ever want to go back to again.

I love him dearly and if I thought there was ANYTHING that I could do to fix him I would have done it years ago. It hurts to feel some helpless and not in control. I wish that a Power Ranger band aide would make it all better I'd buy a case of them.

I am holding on to hope. I read Ron's blog and see that his son is 3 years sober now, has a job, has a home and a family. I have hope that one day my son will have those things too.

Another opportunity to say I love you.

My son saw his dad's vehicle in town last night and sent me a text to ask me what he was doing.

He was at a music venue to watch a friend of ours perform. I was pooped out after two days with my grandson so I stayed home.

I told him that his dad told me that he was trying to get back into rehab and I told him that I hoped it worked out for him. I also told him that I know that he has been sick and hurting and that I am sorry but to hang on because the detox should be almost over. I told him I love him and that if I thought there was anything I could do to take it all away and make things different I would.

He said he knew this and that he loves me too.

He doesn't need our help.

My son texted his dad today and told him he had someone who could help him get back into the rehab he finished in the spring.

I pray that is true.

I called it!

I'm not happy that I called it but I did. My son blew through $1000 in 4 days. Now he has no money and no job. He is at his apartment and is dope sick. I don't want to see it again.

He sent me a series of texts last night telling me that he doesn't know how he manages to get himself in the same mess over and over again. He always thinks he can control it. I reminded him that admitting he can't control it is the very first step.

He sounded pretty disgusted with himself. I reminded him that he has all the tools necessary to make a change in his life. He has to decide first whether or not he wants a life or to just continue on the path he is on. I told him that I don't have the answers for him and he will have to determine what those answers are for himself. I suggested two things, contact his AA family and to call the rehab he completed last spring to see if they would readmit him. Other than that I only offered that I love him and that I have hope that he will find his way.

His dad contacted him today and he is begging for us to get him into a rehab because he is sick. Most won't accept him if he is going through withdrawl. More importantly most won't accept him without $$$ up front. Our insurance won't pay for detox unless there are other issues.

I suggested to his dad that we call the police and have them do a safety check. They would find paraphernalia and probably drugs in the apartment. He has unpaid fines and this would lead to jail. He could detox there. Dad wasn't ready to do that yet. If he starts making threats to hurt himself again we will make the call.

Here is where I am at with the whole rehab thing at this point, I think he should take some responsibity for making the phone calls and finding a place. I am willing to provide the phone numbers and give him a ride. I'd probably even poney up the money. I am just so tired of the whole merry-go-round.

His path is not my path.

"In addition, I might remind you that homeless may be the path he chooses. I am sorry for that, just stay in contact when you can with love and encouragement. Sometimes words and hope is all you can or should give." Ron Grover

Thanks for the reminder, Ron.

I think I have come to accept the fact that I don't have the right to meddle in my son's business. I have worked on detachment and think that I have managed to do a fairly good job of not letting everything my son does decide what my next step will be.

I enjoyed the weekend at home alone. I just piddled around (that is Southern for "not doing much of anything at all"). My daughter came by a couple of times to eat food from my cupboard and fridge. That was a-okay with me. On Sunday my hubby came home from his camping trip and my older son and his wife brought my granddaughter over for lunch. She is almost 8 months old and is such a happy little girl. She giggled and smiled almost the whole time she was there. She has two bottom teeth.

It isn't easy every day to put my son in his own special compartment in my brain so that I don't dwell on the what ifs and I wonders.

He sent a text this morning that said simply, "Love you". I sent one back that said, "I love you too. There is nothing that will ever change that".

Yes, I will take every opportunity to let him know I love him. I will not take part in his drug use, I will not allow myself to get sucked up in the drama of it all. That is his path and I choose not to walk beside, ahead of or behind him on that path. I will walk a path of my own choosing.

He's out.

He was discharged yesterday with a prescription for Zoloft. I was out of town for work so his dad went to pick him up. My son asked for money for groceries and minutes for his phone. My husband wisely said, "We will go shopping". We are both finally on the same page about giving money. Neither of us are willing to do it.

This made my son angry. Since we have his annuity check my husband decided to take him to pay his rent up for the next 5 months. They both agreed.......until they got close to the bank. My son told his dad that he couldn't be broke. What? They finally agreed that he would pay for the next 2 months. We have that money in our savings account. Along with the money he agreed to pay his son and ex-wife. He had $1000 on him yesterday. I doubt he has $10 on him  today.

I am so tired of this.

Day 3

I assume that my son is still in the psych hospital because I haven't heard from him today. We talked to him last night and it sounds like he is on the dual diagnosis unit. He is on 3 different medications right now. Zoloft, Ambien and another that he doesn't know the name of. He said something for anxiety.

He still sounded despondent when I talked to him. He does not sound hopeful that life can be any better.

I am sort of surprised that they haven't managed to "cure" him yet. What I really mean is that I am surprised that the insurance company is still paying. It is really a pretty restrictive plan.

I am taking this a day at a time. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. He may get out, go to his apartment and start where he left off. He said he still has pills there. He may decide never to use ever again. That will be up to him.

We ended up paying his rent with the understanding that when he get his annuity check he will pay us back. I guess we will see. His check came to our house this week but we haven't told him. He would be extra  eager to get out the hospital if he knew it was there.

This just sucks!!!

Goodwill Shopping Again!

My son is still in the hospital. He is saying that he doesn't need to be there. Still blaming  us for him being there.

He of course had no clothes except the ones he had on. I suppose there were clothes in his apartment. I doubt they were clean but he wouldn't let me come in and I really didn't want to because I didn't want to see the remains of what he had been doing there.

I went to the Dollar Tree and bought whatever I could get there that he needed and then to Goodwill to get the rest. I think I spent $30 altogether. It always makes me really, really sad to go through the same steps over and over.

A friend at work asked me to lunch and I told her that I had to go pick up a few things for my son and that he was without underwear or socks. She said, "He kind of deserves to be without, doesn't he?" I just looked at her and walked away.

First of all she has no children, second she has never had a family member with an addiction problem.

Anyway, I don't know what will happen next. I have to just be happy today that he is in a safe place.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.

It's Rodeo Time!

I am sad and happy at the same time to say this. My son is in an acute psychiatric hospital. I took him today after receiving a text early this morning that simply said, "BYE". This was after we had made plans to take him out for his birthday tomorrow evening. He turned 25 on Sunday, sent the text at 12:45 am. I didn't see it until I got out of bed for work.

We called his work this morning to see if he came in. Guess what? He lost his job last week. His boss was very apologetic and said that he really tried to work with him but he was coming to work high and simply could not function.

I tried to call his phone and he had turned it off. I went to his apartment and was really shocked that he came to the door. He looked awful. Pin point pupils, dirty, stinky, all of you POAs know what I am talking about.

I told him that we were worried that he had hurt himself. He said that he tried but it didn't work. He had taken a lot of different pills. He said he still wanted to die. That everyone would be better off without him. That he was worthless and useless. I assured him that there are many, many people who think otherwise. I told him to get his shoes on and I would take him to the hospital.

He did and got in my car then vacillated between, "I need to be there" to "I don't need this shit".

I told him that I would not make him go but that I would not turn around and take him back to his apartment to die and that I would not contribute to him killing himself. He would have to walk back from the parking lot of the hospital. Probably 10 or so miles.

It is never a fast process so the longer we waited the more agitated he became. He said that he wouldn't stay. I again told him that he would have to walk home if he didn't stay and at least do the intake and if they did the intake and said he needed to stay then he would have to stay or walk home.

I went back with him for the intake for about 5 minutes. He got irritated with me and started cursing so I told him that I would leave and wait in the waiting room

I did hear that he has been doing meth, alcohol and opiates, particularly heroin. He admitted that is why he lost his job. He told her that he still wanted to die and that he still has pills at home and still wants to be dead. He told the counselor that he hears voices and sometimes sees people that aren't really there.

After I paid the co-pay he decided again that he wouldn't stay. He went back and forth with this for the next hour. Finally he blamed me for him being there because I brought him there.

I told him that I was leaving and that he could do whatever he thought was the right thing to do. As I walked out the door the intake counselor followed me and handed me the "Parent Packet". I told her he was saying he wasn't going to stay. She said he had already signed himself in so he didn't have a choice at least for tonight.

I drove away with tears in my eyes. I may cry some more later but right now I know that I did what any mother or father of an addict would do. I love that little boy man. I hope that he does the right thing for him.

Can I borrow.....

Here it goes. He sent a text this morning asking to borrow a $100 to hold him over to payday. He needs food, to do is laundry and he needs to get his bike fixed. The bike has had a flat for over a month now.

He said after paying child support, rent and paying for his son's birthday party that he is broke. He will pay us back from his annuity check that he will receive next week at some point.

I told him that we won't loan him cash but that I will buy some food for him, take his laundry home and do it over the weekend and bring it back to him and that his bike can wait until he gets paid.

His response was, "I guess I will have to do the only thing I know to do to get some money". To which I responded, "Okay".

I asked if he was at work. He responded that he is. "Working and still having to do something illegal to pay the bills". I assume he meant sell drugs but I didn't even respond to him.

He is going to do what he is going to do. I won't let him manipulate me.

Some days I wish I was naive and didn't realize what was going on but those days are long gone. I know that he is back on that dark path. I refuse to walk it with him again.

October = Birthday # 25

And what this means is that my son gets his final annuity check from an insurance settlement from a car accident he was involved in when he was 15. The money was to be paid out over a period of time and most of it was to go to a college education. Most of it went in his veins.

He will get a $5000 check on his birthday. By court order he is supposed to give  his ex-wife $500 because he stole that amount or more from  her savings account to buy drugs. He is supposed to give me $2000 to put in his son's savings account that I manage. He will have $2500 left.

His dad suggested he pay his rent in advance with that. He went ballistic.

He sent his dad a very angry text. He called and yelled at me. What does he have to yell at me about? This tells me that he has "plans" for this money. He either owes money for drugs he has already used or he plans to have a big drug blow out with the money.

I hope that I am wrong.

This sucks!!!!!!

You Can't Hide What I See In Your Eyes!

                                                                   September 2011
                                                                          Sick Son

                                                                         September 2012
                                                                              Healthy Son

                                                                        September 2013
                                                                       What's your guess?

Waiting

POAs spend a lot of their time waiting. Waiting for our addicted son or daughter to get home, waiting for the phone to ring, waiting for the next arrest, waiting to for the next shoe to drop, waiting....waiting....waiting.

I thought about this as I was waiting for my son to get off work because I offered to take him to sign a lease on his new apartment. Then I had to wait on him at the bank. Now I am waiting to see what happens next.

I feel like I have relapsed. My husband told our son that we would pay his deposit for the apartment. Then we decided together that we would help him by adding our name to  his application for the apartment and for the utilities because there is no way he could be approved for the lease and he walked out on his utilities 2 years ago before he went to rehab. Now, I am feeling anxious. Anxious that my son won't keep his end of the bargain and we will be stuck with the remainder of the lease. I am kicking myself right now for agreeing to do that.

On the other hand. Maybe, just maybe........

Until I know, I'll just have to wait.

He is changing locations.

I don't know what prompted my son to decide to leave the shelter he is in now or if HE actually did the deciding. He sent me a text this morning to tell me that he is going to an all male shelter that is designed for men in recovery. I don't know if it is a part of the place he is in now or what. It really doesn't matter does it? It is his live and his decision. I just hope that it is a good one for him.

He changed jobs recently. This time he did it the right way. He gave notice and even got a recommendation from his former employer. The restaurant he is working in now is closer to the place he is living and he is getting more hours. I took him on Monday of this week to pick up his last check at the former place and took him to cash it. He gave money to me to give to his son's mom. This is the first time in months that he has done that. He had the  money to give to the shelter and seemed pretty pleased with himself that he was able to take care of his responsibilities today. He told me that he cooked breakfast for the residents of the shelter last Sunday.

I am glad that he seems to be doing well for himself. I hope that it will continue to.

On a side note. I picked my grandson up on Monday and he spent the night. He is almost 3 years old and was very interested in helping me bring the trash cans from the curb to the garage. He pushed this one all the way up the driveway by himself. I love this age!

He resurfaced!

My son told his dad that the reason we couldn't get in touch with him is because he ran out of minutes on his phone and had to buy more. I don't know, sounds plausible.

He contacted his dad to ask for a ride to work on Wednesday. I guess he lost his bus pass or it had expired. He and his dad made arrangements for my son to pick up the bicycle that we had for him. They met outside my husband's work yesterday. My husband said other than looking "scruffy" from not shaving and not wearing decent clothes he seemed fine. He was clean and didn't look like he had been high. He told his dad that he had saved a bit of money from his check and that he was going to mail some to his son.

My husband says that he feels like our son is really trying to do better. I don't know. I feel like we have been fooled so many times that I don't want to put much stock in anything he tells us. When he is able to show that he is doing these things then I'll believe it. Seeing is believing. At least that is how the saying goes.

Hubby and I are headed to the lake for the weekend. I may try to sneak out of here early. Shhhhh! Don't tell. ;-)

Have a good weekend!

It is all about putting one foot in front of the other.

This is what us POAs have to remember to do. Just get up every morning and put one foot in front of the other while living our own lives instead of trying to control and manage the lives of our addicted children.

I haven't heard from my son since Monday when I sent him a text to tell him his grandfather (my dad) had just had surgery and was doing well. He texts back to ask if his Pop would be okay.

That is it. I sent another text to him on Tuesday to ask when I could come and pick up the money he had for his son. I never heard from him. I knew that this was a wasted effort because there is likely no money for his son by this point.

I haven't called the shelter, I haven't called the place he was working, I won't try to contact my son again. He can contact me when he is ready.

I am continuing to live my life and do things that I enjoy. I will be putting one foot in front of the other with a goal in mind soon. I am going to sign up for my first full marathon!!! Before I allowed myself to be fully consumed by the insanity of my son's addiction 3 years ago, I was training to run half marathons and ran 5 in five months. It was a big achievement for me.

Next February I will turn 50 and I have been telling myself for awhile that I want to run a marathon when I am 50. So, why not!

So between now and next March I will be literally putting one foot in front of the other for miles and miles on almost a daily basis. I  may be creating my own brand of insanity but at least it is all mine and not someone elses'.

Payday!

So, my son got his first paycheck on Friday night. He called on Saturday freaked out because he was having trouble cashing it. If he couldn't meet his obligation at the shelter of saving part of it he would be kicked out. I called the shelter and they said he could have until today. Told son that he had until today and that Dad would come and help him open a bank account so that he would have a place to cash his checks and so that he wouldn't have cash to carry around.

Within the hour he found a place to cash the check. He called to tell me this news and that he had money for his son. I sent him a text and said I would be in town on Sunday afternoon and could come and pick it up. No word from him.

His dad texted him to let him know he was available to help with the checking account and that we have a bicycle for him. No word from him.

You know what I think is going on? You know what I think is going on.......

I pray not.

Sometimes it helps to look.

I have tried to avoid knowing what kind of place my son is staying in. I drive by the Salvation Army on the way home from work some days and I can see the folks lining up hoping to get a bed for the night. I accidentally went to the wrong shelter to pick my son up last week and it was the same kind of thing. Men were coming out of the woods behind the center with backpacks and trash bags waiting to get  in.

I finally looked up the one my son is staying at on-line today. It is a shelter for "the working homeless". People there are required to work full time jobs and are required to save 75% of their income until they can afford to leave. They have all kinds of programs and counseling offered there. There is a bicycle program for residents so that they can borrow a bicycle to get around on if they need to.

There is a day camp for children and a preschool/daycare for children of not only residents but other low income people as well.

I know the pictures on the Internet were of the place all cleaned up and organized but still, it is nothing that I imagined.

It seems like the kind of place that is there to truly give people a leg up if they are willing to take advantage of it.

I hope that my son will be one of their success stories. Actually, my real hope that he will be his own success story!

A Sunny Sunday with my Son

I had my precious grandson at my house from Friday afternoon until this morning when I took him home to his mom. He will be three years old in a couple of months. It is hard to believe that he has been part of my life for that long and at the same time, I can hardly remember a day without him in it.

On Sunday I had all my kids at the house for at least part of the day. That morning the grandson and I went to pick his dad up at the homeless shelter. The were both so happy to see each other. They laughed and played all morning and up until the time that my son had to leave to get back for work.

My husband drove him back while I stayed and visited with my other children and my granddaughter.

Later that evening my husband told me how hard it is to take our son back to the shelter. It is hard for me as well. I told my husband that I have to remind myself that we didn't put him there. We gave him chance after chance after chance after chance......well, you know what I am talking about. He will just have to pull himself up out of this by himself. We can love him and be supportive of his efforts but that is all that we can do. I am just thankful that he has a bed to sleep in at night and at least a couple of meals a day.

So, with that said, I'll just be thankful that we were able to enjoy a beautiful, unusually cool July Sunday afternoon together as a family.

God Grant Me the Serenity

My son is beginning his second week in the homeless shelter. I have seen him twice this week. Each time he asked me to buy him some food. He was able to get a job in just a few days after going to the shelter but he hasn't received a paycheck yet.

He called last week and complained of kidney stone symptoms. He has a history of actually having them. He also has a history of faking the pain to get opiates in the ER and walking out with a prescription for Hydrocodone. There was a period of time that he was going to the ER about every other week. I think finally someone clued in to what was going on because they started asking him for an upfront co-pay which he never could come up with.

So, when his dad told me that he had called my radar was activated. His dad took him to the ER and told him that we wouldn't pay for the visit and we wouldn't pay for any pain pills. He dropped him off and I picked him up when they released him. He said that there was a kidney stone but that he should be able to pass it. He said that he told them that he couldn't have opiates. This of course was after they gave him a Demerol shot. He told me that he only had a prescription for Naproxen. I didn't look at it. I figured it didn't make a hill of beans of difference one way or the other.

I picked him up on Wednesday to go and visit my dad in the hospital. My dad had to have another procedure. This is 3 in the month of July alone. Anyway, my son and dad have always been close so I thought it would be important for both of them to see each other.

My son looked good and seemed in good spirits when I picked him up from the shelter. I took him to work from the hospital. He had to walk back to the shelter which is probably a 5 or 6 mile hike after dark through some pretty seedy neighborhoods. I really don't let myself think about too much.

Today I gave him a ride to the library and from there he will catch a bus to work. I bought him some lunch a drive in burger place. While we were sitting in the car he put his head on my shoulder and started crying. I just hugged him and let him cry. I told him that things need to improve because this seems as about as bad as it can get. (I know it could be worse but I didn't know what else to say except that I love him, which I did several times). I encouraged him to open a banking account and save his paychecks until he has enough money to move out.

What he doesn't realize is that he is going to have a hard time getting utilities and maybe even a place to rent because he walked out of a lease and a utility bill a couple of years ago.

I have to say he seems to be trying. He is working 6 days a week as prep chef in an upscale restaurant. I'm not sure how many hours he is getting a week, probably close to 40.

It took all the strength that I could muster not to break down and cry with him. I wish I could take him home with me and make everything alright. I haven't been able to up to this point and I have to remind myself that it isn't my job. The whole time he was in the car with him I kept repeating in my head, "his decisions, his consequences".

I just pray that he can find his inner strength and keep moving forward.

Homeless Shelter

I got a text from my son last night that just said, "I love you". I responded back that I love him to and that I will forever. I let him know that grandson will be at my house this evening if he wanted to call him and say hello. He thanked me for that and then said that he was going to have to move to a homeless shelter tomorrow/today. He gave me a story about how his boss ripped him off and didn't pay him for some work he had done. I really didn't continue reading the whole thing because I have heard this story before.

Why are the addicts always the victims? I know they put themselves in bad, horrible and dangerous situations but then they blame other people for being there. Uggh!

He called his dad this morning and asked if he could get a ride to a shelter if he could get in. Dad said of course. He called me to see if I would look up some phone numbers for him but I missed that call and by the time I called him back he had already found his way to a computer and was looking stuff up. He said he was with a fellow AA member whose wife sponsors a woman who runs the intake at a shelter in town. I told him that it sounded like he had everything under control and to let us know where he ended up.

He called his dad later in the day to say he had a ride. Dad told him he was proud of him for taking care of this on his own and that he loves him.

Wow! How did we get to the point that we are proud that our son can manage to get himself into a homeless shelter? I am sad for so many things but him going to a shelter doesn't really even make the top 10. I'm sure he was hoping that we would be shocked and feel sorry for him and allow him back in our house. I just keep telling myself that I didn't put him in this situation and it is not my job to bail him out of it.

I love him and I know he has the tools to do what he needs to do to be healthy. It is up to him to unpack them and use them.

A son sighting.

I got a phone call on Wednesday from a friend of my son's who saw him that day. She said he looked worse than he did the last time she saw him. She knows that he is staying with a couple of sketchy guys one that is a cocaine dealer. She felt bad about telling me this news. I just told her that I am not shocked by anything that my son does anymore. It is the life of an addict. I told her it makes me sad but there is nothing I can do to help him and there is nothing that she can do to help him. Until he decides he wants something else he will continue to go on this way.

I haven't heard my son's voice in a couple of weeks. I have received a couple of texts from him one just checking in and the other to say Happy 4th and that he loves me. I sent a text back to tell him that I love him.

He tried to call his dad's phone on Wednesday but his dad didn't have his phone with him. I tried to call him back and it went to voice mail after several rings.

The voice that used to tell me to go find him and save him is still there. Now instead of a booming urgent voice it is more like a little whisper that I can ignore.

I was able to enjoy the 4th with my husband just puttering around the house taking care of some things that I don't generally have time for. We enjoyed a good meal together and I went to bed early because I have to work today.

I find myself praying for my son to find peace more often than I used to. I don't know the ending to this story. My hope is that my son isn't too far gone to find his way back this time.

Should I or shouldn't I?

I have been having an internal debate for the past week. My parents are coming into town because my dad is having a procedure done at a local hospital. They live in a small community 3 hours away from me.

My parents want to see their grandkids and greatgrandkids while they are here on Sunday afternoon. I have invited my older son and his wife to bring my granddaughter over, I have permission from my grandson's mom to come pick him up Sunday morning and my daughter has the day off and plans to come spend the afternoon.

The deliema I have been having is, do I tell my middle son that his grandparents are coming and that his son will be at my house on Sunday? This will likely mean that I would have to drive 30 minutes to pick him up, hope that he is sober then drive 30 minutes back home. While he is there I will feel like I have to watch over him the whole time to make sure he doesn't get high at my house. Then I will have to drive him back to where he is staying after the visit.

I'm not sure that I am up for all of that. On the other hand, the procedure my dad is having involves his heart and he doesn't always spring back well from those types of procedures. My son and dad were really close at one point. Do I deprive them both of the opportunity to visit because I don't want to put out the effort to make it happen?

I could tell my son that everyone will be at the house and if he can find a ride to and from our home, can be sober and civil while he is there that he is welcome to come over for a few hours.

I guess the good thing is that I don't have to decide right now.

Happy Friday everyone!

UPDATE: The decision has been made very obvious. I just heard from the woman he was staying with and he is back on the street. I'm not even sure how I would get in touch with him if I needed to. She said that she saw him yesterday and he was obviously high as were the other guys he was with. I just pray that he is able to stay safe.

More of the same

My son sent a message on FB to me and my husband at 2 a.m. on Sunday morning saying that he needed to talk to us about a "good opportunity" that has been made available to him. I responded (much later that morning) that I hoped that whatever it is works out for him.

He responded later in the day not by telling us what the opportunity was but rather to beg us to loan him some money. He went into a long narrative about how he knows he owes us money already but that when his final annuity check come in October that he would pay us back.

He said that we have always told him we would help him if he is trying to help himself. Which we have always done. At this point however, he is still drinking and if he were honest he is probably doing other drugs as well. He doesn't have a job, he lost the one at the restaurant after about 3 weeks. He got one paycheck and I guess his final one. He doesn't have a place of his own to live. The only money he gets is from mowing yards (he says).

Then he played the guilt card, he doesn't want to end up living in a homeless shelter.

Neither of us responded to him. Of course we don't want him living in a homeless shelter either but we didn't make the poor decisions that he has made over and over again.

The woman whose home he is living in contacted my husband and said that our son is really upset about his grandfather dying. She was shocked to hear that his grandfather is not dead. She asked why our son would say that he was when it wasn't true. My husband told her that our son is easy to love but not so easy to live with and that is just how he is.

I would guess that she was threatening to make him leave so he made up a story.

I don't know what is going to happen with him this time. He has been given the tools to get sober and stay sober. He knows how to access treatment if that is what he needs. He knows the steps that he needs to take because he has started down the path before. This time it is up to him to do on his own.

I love my son and I have hope that he will do what he needs to do. Until then I will have to keep a distance from him. I won't bail him out of the situation that he has put himself in.

Praying for yours and for mine.

Life Marches On

First of all let me tell you that my husband and I a great date a few weekends ago. As much as we have gone through with our addicted son and just day to day life it is amazing that we have managed to get this far in our marriage. We are committed at this point to working things out because we want to fulfill all the dreams we had as a young couple.

Father's day was bittersweet. My gift to my husband was to give him a day that he didn't have to answer to anyone and just do what he wanted to do. We had my older son, his wife and our new granddaughter to the house to swim and play with the grandson on Saturday. We grilled burgers and played outside all afternoon. It was a good day.

On Sunday, I took the grandson to visit his daddy and took them both to the zoo. We were had a great time. I had fun watching my son enjoy his son. The plan was to let them hang out then I would take my son and then my grandson home early afternoon and spend the rest of the day with my husband.

My father-in-law called my husband and wanted to come to the house so that he could see all the kids and grand kids. They really never had much of a relationship and even now it is strained. Instead of telling his dad that he already had plans for the day he told him to come on over. This meant we had to rally the kids.

It turned into a pretty stressful afternoon. My son thought it would be okay for him to spend the night since it was later in the afternoon before everyone left. He was hurt when we told him that he couldn't and that I would be driving him back to the place he is staying.

On Saturday, I got a letter in the mail saying that my recent mammogram had some irregularities and that I need to schedule a re-check. I was just a little freaked by this. I have a close co-worker who battled breast cancer a couple of years ago and another co-worker who had a double mastectomy about a year ago. Both of them a bit younger than me. I have no family history, have had children and breast fed nor have I ever been a smoker. I knew the odds were in my favor. Still, none of us want to get that letter in the mail.

The good news is that I found out today after a 3 hour visit for a re-check that there is nothing to be concerned about. I don't know that I could have carried that stress with me too, so thank you God!

I have you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Reading Assignments

I mentioned in a previous post that my new therapist suggested that I re-read Co-Dependent No More. I don't know how many times I have read it in the past but this time is different. In the past I read it trying to figure out how to deal with my addicted son this time I am trying to figure out how to take care of me.

I have been reading and taking notes. It is a totally different read this time. I see ME all over the pages instead of me trying to deal with my son. This is such a new way of thinking for me.

I would suggest all of POAs re-read it with only our health in mind.

His Day

My son called (yes, actually called) yesterday to see what my plans were for having his son at my house for Father's Day next week. I told him that my plans were to have him at my house Friday and Saturday nights and take him to his mom on Sunday because they are going to a birthday party later that day.

He reminded me that Father's Day was his day and that it is "not okay" that they have planned to go to a birthday party. It irritates me a little that this is the one thing he claims out of the whole divorce decree. It also says that he is supposed to visit every first weekend of the month and that he is supposed to pay child support every week. Those two things sort of get muddied in his brain.

It also irritates me that he would deprive his son of a birthday party after not making efforts to see him or talk to him for a couple of weeks now. I told him he would have to make arrangements with my grandson's mom and that it wasn't my place to say anything to her about it.

The divorce decree says that he is to visit with his son at my house under my supervision (or my husband's if here were there). It doesn't say that I have to provide meals, a place to sleep or transportation. He doesn't seem to understand that.

Oh well, I am just venting a little. I know he is an addict and this is just the way his mind works. It is all about him.

I will continue with my plans for that weekend. If he can work something out with his ex-wife then I will supervise a visit for the specified amount of time. If not, no skin of my nose.

Have a good weekend. My husband and I have a date Saturday night. I am actually worried about what to wear! Maybe we will get our spark back after all.

My journey begins

I met with my  new therapist yesterday and she was great. I was there an hour and hardly realized it.

She asked me if I was familiar with the terms enabler and co-dependency. I told her that my picture is probably in the dictionary next to both words to which she replied, "I expect it is".

We are going to start really focusing on me. Not my marriage, not my kids, just me. That is a strange feeling because I have never put any focus on me and my health.

I told her that for the first time in my life I don't have anyone to take care of. She said maybe it was my turn to take care of myself. Maybe she is right.

I know this will be hard work but I am excited to start.

Living a Day at a Time

I still haven't heard anything from my son. I did see that he responded to a post on his Facebook page on Saturday so I know he was among the living then.

My mom sent a text to me on Sunday asking if I had heard anything from him because he had been on her mind lately. I hated to tell her that I hadn't. I think she still feels guilty for not allowing him to come back to her house after he relapsed during a visit with some friends in this part of the state. I have tried to give her permission to let it go. I know that she will in her own time.

My husband and I had a date this weekend. We went to a music event that we both enjoy every year. He was able to play music with some very talented folks and it was great to see him in his element. We are going to start marriage counseling this week and I start individual counseling again today.

We have been married since we were 19 years old and have been through a lot of trials during these past 30 years. The last 10 dealing with an addict has been the most difficult. We haven't always been on the same page when it came to dealing with it and that caused a lot of friction along the way. I think that most couple go through that.

My personality is that I tried to fix it. My husband tends to remove himself from the situation. Sometimes that meant he stayed out until "all was clear" other times he immersed himself in his writing and music and never really involved himself in the daily crap. He would ask his friends for advice, I went to meetings and read everything I could get my hands on about addiction. I developed contracts and case plans. But without my husband's backing they did no good.

Anyway, I am trying to put the past aside and just move through this day with as much grace and sanity I can muster.

I will continue to pray for my son and will continue to have hope for recovery for him.

No News

I haven't heard from my son in over a week now. That is probably the longest period of time that he has ever gone without sending a text or trying to call. I did miss a number from a strange phone number, I guess that could have been him.

He did call his dad on Sunday to ask for $20. His dad has been staying with a friend since the separation in a city near where we both work and about 30 minutes from our home. This happens to also be around the corner more or less from where my son is staying. However, on that day my husband was here helping to do yard work. He refused to give him the money, I heard him thank our son for mowing the yard and helping me while he was here previously. Nothing was said about me making him leave because he was high. His dad also asked how a job interview went last week. We all know how that one goes, "I think it went pretty good. They are supposed to call me next week".

I found an empty vodka bottle in the room he stayed in overnight. He hid it in my grandson's drawer of all places. Why not just throw it away?

The mother of a drug buddy of his stopped by my house on Monday for a few minutes and said that our sons had been together over the weekend.

By all accounts, he is spiraling back down into the abyss. I wish I could throw out a life preserver but I can't. He is the only one that has the right to do that and the only one who owns the life preserver that will fit him.

I am going to say a prayer for him and all of yours and then get ready to face my day.

I have only received a text from my son since he left my house on Monday evening. I learned from his dad that he was "let go" from his job because according to him they couldn't afford to pay him. I don't believe that. They just promoted him and gave him a raise, surely the business owners know what their budget is for salaries and wouldn't offer someone a raise if they couldn't afford it.

In my heart I know that it is the same old thing. He quit working his program and either started coming in late and disheveled or didn't come in at all because he was high or passed out.

He learned on Sunday that his dad and are separated. I told him that it is really no one's fault more than the other and that we are talking and are going to start couseling as soon as we can get in. He took it harder than my other two children. He wanted to know details and when I told him the details weren't for him to know he got angry and called his dad to find out WTF is going on. His dad told him the same thing.

On Monday he sent me several texts asking me to bring home some beer. I told him that I didn't want alcohol in the house and asked him to please respect that and understand. I told him if he was drinking that he would need to leave the house before I got there. He denied that he was.

He had mowed the yard, cleaned the kitchen and when I got home helped me pull the pool cover off. I knew there was something amiss with him. He couldn't focus. When I confronted him he got very agitated. That is when I told him he would have to leave.

He had tried to help with all the "things Dad would be doing if he were here". I know he was trying in his own way to take care of me. I'm just sorry that he got high and I had to make him leave.

The text he sent just said, "I guess I will stay out of your business from now on. I love you".

I told him that I love him too.

I haven't tried to contact him and he has not tried to contact me. I figure when he spends all of his last check that he will be calling asking for money, favors, minutes on his phone. I will be sad to tell him that I can't do it this time.

I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend. I will be headed to the western part of my state with my grandson this afternoon to go to my nephew's high school graduation.

Pills Too

A woman that my son spent the night with before coming to my house on Sunday told me today that he stole most of her pain medication and anxiety medication. She had just had surgery and had opiates there for her pain. He went to her house to "take care of her". This is the same woman he screwed over just before going back to rehab this spring.

I told her she was better off without him. She knows this but she "loves him". Well, I do too but I can't have him around me if he is using.

He stole money out of his son's piggy bank again while he was at my house.

I haven't heard from him today. I don't know if he made it back to the place he was staying and if he did if the let him stay. I can't help but wonder if he made it to work or if he decided to stay high instead.

Sounds like he is quickly making his way back to the dark side. I pray not.

Yucko!

After a good morning with my son I ended having make him leave tonight. When I got home from work he was drunk. He got more and more belligerent the longer he was here. I started to just go to bed and just leave him alone but he started banging around in the kitchen. I told him to get a ride or that I was going to take him back to the place that he is staying.

Of course he got angry. Cussed and told me that I didn't appreciate the breakfast he prepared, the lawn he mowed or the fact that he helped me take the pool cover off. I went to my room and locked my door. He knocked a couple of times, once to ask if I wanted him to leave and the second to tell me that he was leaving.

I went to bed sad but woke up a little bit ago with the realization that he is the one who messed up not me.

I took care of myself and I don't need to apologize for that.

I'm gonna go back to sleep now with a clear conscience after I say a prayer for my son.

Payday

My son has been working for about three weeks now at a high end restaurant near where he is living. He got the job with the recommendation of on of his AA cohorts. He started out washing dishes and was just last week moved to doing food prep. He got a bit of a raise with that and seems very pleased with himself. I reminded him when he told me that he is an excellent worker when he is sober.

I saw him for a couple of hours the  Friday before Mother's Day. I took him and his son to eat lunch and let them have a few hours together walking around the grounds of the office building I work in. As I sat across from him at lunch my eyes went to the needle scars on his arms. That made my stomach lurch just a little. Do those ever go away?

He told me that he would get his first paycheck and that he would have $250 to give me for his son. He also said that he wanted to take me to lunch for Monday for Mother's Day. Well when payday came he didn't have as much on his check as he had anticipated. He did give me some money for his son.

Paydays always have been a trigger for him. He needs to work because that is what adults do but when he has money in his pocket he tends to go prowling for drugs. I had to let those negative feelings go. If he did go get high he again would be the one to deal with the circumstances.

I let him come to the my house yesterday to enjoy an afternoon with his son, brother, sis-in-law and his new niece. We ate a meal together and played outside. It was a good day.

This morning I got out of bed and he was up already and  in the kitchen. He said, "Don't come in here Mom!"  My first thought was that he was shooting up or had someone in the house or something else was going on that shouldn't be going on.

Then I felt bad that that had been my first thought when he brought my breakfast and coffee into the living room to me. He had made oatmeal, toast with jam and he even cut up an apple in slices drizzled them with honey and put then put them decoratively on my plate. I almost couldn't eat any of it because it made me cry but I forced myself to eat a few bites in front of him and when he went outside to smoke I put some of it in the trash and covered it up. I didn't want him to think I didn't like it or appreciate his effort.

I'll carry that vision of him, so proud to do something for his mom, for the rest of my life.

Praying with hope and faith for all of our loved ones today.

Court

My son has a court appearance tomorrow morning for a paraphernalia charge he picked up within 2 weeks of being kicked out of residential treatment for fraternizing with a female resident over a year ago. He had been there for 75 of the 90 days he was approved of.

He pled not guilty to the charge when he went to court in February. It wasn't his vehicle and he didn't have the needles and pipe on his person.

I'm not vested either way in the outcome. If he goes to jail for the 90 days he will lose the job he was supposed to start today but he has lost numerous jobs in the past 8 years so that isn't a new thing for him. If he doesn't go to jail and the case is dismissed he will be able to finally get his driver's license back.

I am going to be out of state for the next several days for work. His dad offered to give him a ride. I guess we will just wait and see.

I'm Fine!

That was my son's response to the email that I sent to him yesterday. I told him that I was happy to see him at the event but I wasn't happy to see him drunk. I let him know that if he isn't working his program that I don't feel comfortable with him in my home to visit his son or for any other reason. I told him that I hope he gets off this merry-go-round before he ends up in the same bad place that he has been before. I told him that I have faith and hope that he can do this, that I love him and wish him health.

He responded by saying that he is fine! That night was a one night incident and that he was headed to a meeting. He will be fine!

I just wished him well and again told him that I love him.

I thought when I picked him up on Friday for the visit that he smelled like stale booze and cigarettes but I wasn't sure. Like I have said before, words are cheap. The truth is in the work being done. Going into bars is not evidence of work being done.

But you know what, I AM headed to a meeting in about an hour. I AM working on my recovery. I AM fine! :-)

It is just what they do.

My son came to the event that my husband organized last night. I knew that he was planning to come but I was hoping that he wouldn't. A bar is not a good place for him to be and he once again proved it.

I never saw him drink but he was definitely intoxicated. Several people that attended are friends of ours and know that he is an addict. A few came and told me they were sorry. A couple actually chewed him out. I was a little embarrassed but then I told myself that him being drunk has nothing to do with me.

He told me at one point, "At least I'm not out sticking needles in my arms". What sense does that  make? I couldn't  even  respond to him. I made a point  not to get into it with him. I didn't want my husband's night ruined by some outburst from my son.

I will have to tell him at some point that if he is not working a recovery program he will not be allowed to come to my home to visit his son. I really believe that is where I am at with this. I have let him come when I knew he was using as long as he wasn't high. At least that was the agreement. Of course if he wasn't high when he arrived he very quickly found a way to get high.

Anyway, other than my son doing what addicts do, the night was awesome. It was very well received by the folks in attendance.

I think my oldest son and his wife are bringing my granddaughter to my office today so that I can show her off! Then I get to go to lunch with them. I will also probably get to pay. Oh, well.

Happy Monday.

My Joys

Bottom photo is my oldest son and my new granddaughter. Top photo is my grandson, the son of my addict son.

Duck Walking

My husband is helping to coordinate a poetry reading/music event the will feature Southern poets and musicians from our region. First one ever in our city. The venue is an old tavern with a lot of rich history. He was there last night working out details with the tavern owner and who should walk in but our son.

I'm not sure but I don't think hanging out in a tavern is one of the 12 steps that he says he is supposed to  practicing. He went outside to smoke for 45 mins or so and then left with the "chick" that he came in with. He spoke to his dad and gave him a hug when he left. Dad said he didn't look or act high. I said, "He was going to drink but you were there and didn't leave soon enough so that he could". Duh!

Okay, you get where I was going with the title of this blog? Walks like and duck, sounds like a duck....

We were planning to let my son come and visit with his baby at my house, overnight on Friday. I sent him a text last night and asked if he could pass a full panel drug test, to which he responded, "Of course". I told that was good because he would have to pass it for everything before he will be allowed to come to my home. I never heard back from him.

I may have played my hand too soon. He has tricks to get around a drug test that have worked in the past. I guess we will see on Friday if he even makes contact with me again.

Oy vey!!!

Taking Care of Myself

My family has had a bit of chaos not related to my son's addiction in the past couple of weeks. My dad is very, very ill and is on oxygen pretty much 24/7 now. I saw him two weekend ago and he didn't look good. It hurts to see him that way.

My 20 year old daughter is having "boy" problems and sort of freaked out at 2 a.m. one morning last week and I took her to the ER and she was admitted to the inpatient psych unit overnight. She made suicidal threats and had superficial cuts on one leg and a wrist. This all happened the night before my son was kicked out of his sober living facility.

Oh, and my husband and I recently separated for a short period. We are still not sure what is going to happen next. We are going to start counseling soon.

I work with a tightly knit group of women and we are all very supportive of each other. I guess we are each other's work family. I came to work on Friday after the incident with my daughter and they were all asking how could I even function at this point, let alone be at work. My supervisor was suggesting that I take a leave of absence.

I told them that work is something that I know I can do. I have control over what I do at my desk each day. I know the steps that I have to take to get through the day. The other stuff, I can't predict from day to day, or even minute to minute. I don't have any control over any of the other people in my life, and I can't change any of their behaviors to make my life more peaceful. I can control what I do and how I react to it.

Does any of it make my heart hurt less? No, but as the saying goes, "I can fake it until I make it".

I went to an Alanon meeting yesterday and the reading was about this very thing. When you are dealing with the upsetting behaviors of others or if you get bad news about your addicted love one, you should do the next normal thing that you were planning to do anyway. It could be getting up and going to work, or something simple as drinking the cup of coffee you just made and reading the paper.

So, my goal for today is to do the next normal thing and move forward.

How does this happen?

How come a little boy who cried when his little sister got choked on a piece of watermelon when she was a toddler allow himself to enter hell through the point of a needle? How can the teenager already on his way to full addiction cry when he runs over a grass snake with the lawn mower only nicking it and come in begging his mom to take care of it? How come the 10 year old who promised his great-grandmother to keep the bears away while walking around the field at my parent's house go into strange neighborhoods to buy drugs. How can the pre-teen lead his other great-grandmother around the yard because he is afraid she will fall and hurt herself, lose so many friends to drug over doses or being shot during a drug deal gone wrong?

How can the man who fathered a beautiful baby boy turn his back in order to get high? How did it make sense to him to strap his infant son into a car seat and take him with him to find drugs?

He lost another friend this weekend to a heroin overdose. What made him think he could go to a bar and be okay

Where did it all go wrong?

I guess I am here right now because he sent me a text today saying that someone he knows from a meeting got him a job mowing yards today and that tomorrow he may have a job washing dishes in an up scale restaurant.

He said that he has been feeling guilty the last couple of days because of the relapse but has decided that he doesn't have to start over, he just needs to pick up where he left off.

This is what I sent back to him, "That's right. I was happy when you went back to sober living after you drank knowing that you would probably get busted and that you stuck around to deal with the consequences. That is a HUGE change in the way you have done business in the past. You could have decided to pick up again after you knew you were in trouble, but you didn't. For that I am thankful. You didn't fail if you learned something from it. If you did learn something and practice it everyday you make the demon of addiction just a smidge less powerful. I love you and I have faith and hope that you can do this. One day at a time."

He responded by saying, "I love you too mom".

I still have hope that tomorrow he will get up and put one foot in front of the other and walks the path of sobriety.