Payday

My son has been working for about three weeks now at a high end restaurant near where he is living. He got the job with the recommendation of on of his AA cohorts. He started out washing dishes and was just last week moved to doing food prep. He got a bit of a raise with that and seems very pleased with himself. I reminded him when he told me that he is an excellent worker when he is sober.

I saw him for a couple of hours the  Friday before Mother's Day. I took him and his son to eat lunch and let them have a few hours together walking around the grounds of the office building I work in. As I sat across from him at lunch my eyes went to the needle scars on his arms. That made my stomach lurch just a little. Do those ever go away?

He told me that he would get his first paycheck and that he would have $250 to give me for his son. He also said that he wanted to take me to lunch for Monday for Mother's Day. Well when payday came he didn't have as much on his check as he had anticipated. He did give me some money for his son.

Paydays always have been a trigger for him. He needs to work because that is what adults do but when he has money in his pocket he tends to go prowling for drugs. I had to let those negative feelings go. If he did go get high he again would be the one to deal with the circumstances.

I let him come to the my house yesterday to enjoy an afternoon with his son, brother, sis-in-law and his new niece. We ate a meal together and played outside. It was a good day.

This morning I got out of bed and he was up already and  in the kitchen. He said, "Don't come in here Mom!"  My first thought was that he was shooting up or had someone in the house or something else was going on that shouldn't be going on.

Then I felt bad that that had been my first thought when he brought my breakfast and coffee into the living room to me. He had made oatmeal, toast with jam and he even cut up an apple in slices drizzled them with honey and put then put them decoratively on my plate. I almost couldn't eat any of it because it made me cry but I forced myself to eat a few bites in front of him and when he went outside to smoke I put some of it in the trash and covered it up. I didn't want him to think I didn't like it or appreciate his effort.

I'll carry that vision of him, so proud to do something for his mom, for the rest of my life.

Praying with hope and faith for all of our loved ones today.