Dad and I are dealing with our son's incarceration in different ways. Dad wants to disown him, not take phone calls, not go see him, never allow him back in our home ever. He is angry that I am not there and can't understand why I have taken phone calls from him. He can't understand why I would even want to speak to him period.
I can't just throw my son away. I'm not doing anything to enable his addiction. I have just talked to him a couple of times. I am concerned. There have been no deposits to his "book". I haven't been to visit and I have only written one letter.
I don't understand. Maybe I do, maybe Dad is just protecting himself.
I hate feeling this way.
Terri, you can only control how you feel about it and deal with it accordingly. Dad struggles with this in his own way. You don't have to throw him away, he is your flesh and blood. Like I said, my girl was in jail for 4 month in 2006/2007 through Thanksgiving and Christmas. I went to see her once a week. It was the hardest holiday season, at least I thought that at the time since I could not look into the future and see that I would spend 5 more years without her and my grandchildren, who had not been born at that time. Anyway, go see him for Christmas if he is still there. Nothing wrong with that. I know you miss him. There are better times ahead. Never lose the hope and the faith. Hugs.
ReplyDeleteI agree with everything Bristovol said. If my son were in jail I would go visit him and I would take his calls as well, that isn't enabling to me. I believe they still need to know we love them. It sounds like your husband is just really struggling and hurt and dealing with the situation best as he can. I'm still praying for your son and yes there is HOPE!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteI agree with what the others said Terri! My husband and I are never on the same page either. He never went to visit him - I always did. There is always hope - I know it gets tough but, never lose hope.
ReplyDeleteThinking of you -
Thanks, Dawn.
DeleteI hate to say it this way but I "get" dad completely. It's dads way, I know from personal experience.
ReplyDeleteMy anger at my son took me to places that wasn't good for me or him but that was just how it was then. It was wrong but I saw my son as my legacy, not to discount my daughters, it's like mother/daughter thing, dad's see things in sons not apparent to anyone else. It's all about the dad. My problem was I saw my son as my legacy a mini me. It is not right and not fair but that is just how it was. I saw my son not living a life of honor as my dad always preached to me. It was my disappointment and hurt.
Today I can look back and see what I was going through but at the time I was clouded by the immediate experience. I even wrote about the hurt and anger a while ago. Maybe the first two, hurt and anger would be helpful. http://parentsofanaddict.blogspot.com/2013/01/10-years-of-emotion.html
For you, do what you must do to help yourself. We all deal with and experience all things differently. But, at this point I would not throw your son away. That can't be done when you are hurt and angry. One day you may have to take steps to protect yourself but while he is in jail there is no danger. Protective custody to good for all of you. Take this break and make the most of it for yourself. Put aside the stress of him on the street. Focus on yourself and put away the shame of him in jail. It's just part of the process.
Always confronting whenever I hear friends or family speak about their addicted child, i'm a heroin-addict for 6-years myself (without my parents having a clue) and reading these compelling stories of other people always make me feel guilty in a way. It does ruin alot for people around it. But you seem strong, wise and supporting of your son in your blogs.
ReplyDeleteHow good of you that you after all this time still continue to support your son, there are plenty of people (like your husband for instance) that pertinently believe 'tough love' works better, I personally don't share that thought. Simply because regardless 'tough love' or not, the addict won't change until there's no genuine will, 'tough love' won't change nothing about that.
Keep strong!
Merry Christmas, Terri! I hope you are well! Sending hugs.
ReplyDelete