I got a phone call on Wednesday from a friend of my son's who saw him that day. She said he looked worse than he did the last time she saw him. She knows that he is staying with a couple of sketchy guys one that is a cocaine dealer. She felt bad about telling me this news. I just told her that I am not shocked by anything that my son does anymore. It is the life of an addict. I told her it makes me sad but there is nothing I can do to help him and there is nothing that she can do to help him. Until he decides he wants something else he will continue to go on this way.
I haven't heard my son's voice in a couple of weeks. I have received a couple of texts from him one just checking in and the other to say Happy 4th and that he loves me. I sent a text back to tell him that I love him.
He tried to call his dad's phone on Wednesday but his dad didn't have his phone with him. I tried to call him back and it went to voice mail after several rings.
The voice that used to tell me to go find him and save him is still there. Now instead of a booming urgent voice it is more like a little whisper that I can ignore.
I was able to enjoy the 4th with my husband just puttering around the house taking care of some things that I don't generally have time for. We enjoyed a good meal together and I went to bed early because I have to work today.
I find myself praying for my son to find peace more often than I used to. I don't know the ending to this story. My hope is that my son isn't too far gone to find his way back this time.
Oh Terri, I'm so sorry. It really is so sad for everyone. I pray for your boy. And you, the mama who has become so strong and loves her boy enough to put what she knows to be best ahead of what she feels like doing. Your strength always amazes me.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Annette. I don't feel strong. I just know that there is not a thing a can do for him right now. I have tired every mommy trick that I know and none of them have worked in ten years.
DeleteSome days, we just have to stop listening to the big voice...
ReplyDeleteYou are so right Dawn. Most days we have to.
DeleteYou know Terri, I just started to live my life and I tried to even avoid updates and reports on sighting of my daughter (like the time a friend called me and told me she ran into my daughter and her children at the mall at Christmas. All I could do was cry because my little granddaughter was just 6 months old and I had never even seen her.) It was just all so sad... I kept praying and hoping that one day everything would change, but I did not allow myself to wallow in those feelings. Years later, it happened and it took me by surprise. Just let it go and one day it will come back to you. I am praying for you.
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