Court

My son has a court appearance tomorrow morning for a paraphernalia charge he picked up within 2 weeks of being kicked out of residential treatment for fraternizing with a female resident over a year ago. He had been there for 75 of the 90 days he was approved of.

He pled not guilty to the charge when he went to court in February. It wasn't his vehicle and he didn't have the needles and pipe on his person.

I'm not vested either way in the outcome. If he goes to jail for the 90 days he will lose the job he was supposed to start today but he has lost numerous jobs in the past 8 years so that isn't a new thing for him. If he doesn't go to jail and the case is dismissed he will be able to finally get his driver's license back.

I am going to be out of state for the next several days for work. His dad offered to give him a ride. I guess we will just wait and see.

I'm Fine!

That was my son's response to the email that I sent to him yesterday. I told him that I was happy to see him at the event but I wasn't happy to see him drunk. I let him know that if he isn't working his program that I don't feel comfortable with him in my home to visit his son or for any other reason. I told him that I hope he gets off this merry-go-round before he ends up in the same bad place that he has been before. I told him that I have faith and hope that he can do this, that I love him and wish him health.

He responded by saying that he is fine! That night was a one night incident and that he was headed to a meeting. He will be fine!

I just wished him well and again told him that I love him.

I thought when I picked him up on Friday for the visit that he smelled like stale booze and cigarettes but I wasn't sure. Like I have said before, words are cheap. The truth is in the work being done. Going into bars is not evidence of work being done.

But you know what, I AM headed to a meeting in about an hour. I AM working on my recovery. I AM fine! :-)

It is just what they do.

My son came to the event that my husband organized last night. I knew that he was planning to come but I was hoping that he wouldn't. A bar is not a good place for him to be and he once again proved it.

I never saw him drink but he was definitely intoxicated. Several people that attended are friends of ours and know that he is an addict. A few came and told me they were sorry. A couple actually chewed him out. I was a little embarrassed but then I told myself that him being drunk has nothing to do with me.

He told me at one point, "At least I'm not out sticking needles in my arms". What sense does that  make? I couldn't  even  respond to him. I made a point  not to get into it with him. I didn't want my husband's night ruined by some outburst from my son.

I will have to tell him at some point that if he is not working a recovery program he will not be allowed to come to my home to visit his son. I really believe that is where I am at with this. I have let him come when I knew he was using as long as he wasn't high. At least that was the agreement. Of course if he wasn't high when he arrived he very quickly found a way to get high.

Anyway, other than my son doing what addicts do, the night was awesome. It was very well received by the folks in attendance.

I think my oldest son and his wife are bringing my granddaughter to my office today so that I can show her off! Then I get to go to lunch with them. I will also probably get to pay. Oh, well.

Happy Monday.

My Joys

Bottom photo is my oldest son and my new granddaughter. Top photo is my grandson, the son of my addict son.

Duck Walking

My husband is helping to coordinate a poetry reading/music event the will feature Southern poets and musicians from our region. First one ever in our city. The venue is an old tavern with a lot of rich history. He was there last night working out details with the tavern owner and who should walk in but our son.

I'm not sure but I don't think hanging out in a tavern is one of the 12 steps that he says he is supposed to  practicing. He went outside to smoke for 45 mins or so and then left with the "chick" that he came in with. He spoke to his dad and gave him a hug when he left. Dad said he didn't look or act high. I said, "He was going to drink but you were there and didn't leave soon enough so that he could". Duh!

Okay, you get where I was going with the title of this blog? Walks like and duck, sounds like a duck....

We were planning to let my son come and visit with his baby at my house, overnight on Friday. I sent him a text last night and asked if he could pass a full panel drug test, to which he responded, "Of course". I told that was good because he would have to pass it for everything before he will be allowed to come to my home. I never heard back from him.

I may have played my hand too soon. He has tricks to get around a drug test that have worked in the past. I guess we will see on Friday if he even makes contact with me again.

Oy vey!!!

Taking Care of Myself

My family has had a bit of chaos not related to my son's addiction in the past couple of weeks. My dad is very, very ill and is on oxygen pretty much 24/7 now. I saw him two weekend ago and he didn't look good. It hurts to see him that way.

My 20 year old daughter is having "boy" problems and sort of freaked out at 2 a.m. one morning last week and I took her to the ER and she was admitted to the inpatient psych unit overnight. She made suicidal threats and had superficial cuts on one leg and a wrist. This all happened the night before my son was kicked out of his sober living facility.

Oh, and my husband and I recently separated for a short period. We are still not sure what is going to happen next. We are going to start counseling soon.

I work with a tightly knit group of women and we are all very supportive of each other. I guess we are each other's work family. I came to work on Friday after the incident with my daughter and they were all asking how could I even function at this point, let alone be at work. My supervisor was suggesting that I take a leave of absence.

I told them that work is something that I know I can do. I have control over what I do at my desk each day. I know the steps that I have to take to get through the day. The other stuff, I can't predict from day to day, or even minute to minute. I don't have any control over any of the other people in my life, and I can't change any of their behaviors to make my life more peaceful. I can control what I do and how I react to it.

Does any of it make my heart hurt less? No, but as the saying goes, "I can fake it until I make it".

I went to an Alanon meeting yesterday and the reading was about this very thing. When you are dealing with the upsetting behaviors of others or if you get bad news about your addicted love one, you should do the next normal thing that you were planning to do anyway. It could be getting up and going to work, or something simple as drinking the cup of coffee you just made and reading the paper.

So, my goal for today is to do the next normal thing and move forward.

How does this happen?

How come a little boy who cried when his little sister got choked on a piece of watermelon when she was a toddler allow himself to enter hell through the point of a needle? How can the teenager already on his way to full addiction cry when he runs over a grass snake with the lawn mower only nicking it and come in begging his mom to take care of it? How come the 10 year old who promised his great-grandmother to keep the bears away while walking around the field at my parent's house go into strange neighborhoods to buy drugs. How can the pre-teen lead his other great-grandmother around the yard because he is afraid she will fall and hurt herself, lose so many friends to drug over doses or being shot during a drug deal gone wrong?

How can the man who fathered a beautiful baby boy turn his back in order to get high? How did it make sense to him to strap his infant son into a car seat and take him with him to find drugs?

He lost another friend this weekend to a heroin overdose. What made him think he could go to a bar and be okay

Where did it all go wrong?

I guess I am here right now because he sent me a text today saying that someone he knows from a meeting got him a job mowing yards today and that tomorrow he may have a job washing dishes in an up scale restaurant.

He said that he has been feeling guilty the last couple of days because of the relapse but has decided that he doesn't have to start over, he just needs to pick up where he left off.

This is what I sent back to him, "That's right. I was happy when you went back to sober living after you drank knowing that you would probably get busted and that you stuck around to deal with the consequences. That is a HUGE change in the way you have done business in the past. You could have decided to pick up again after you knew you were in trouble, but you didn't. For that I am thankful. You didn't fail if you learned something from it. If you did learn something and practice it everyday you make the demon of addiction just a smidge less powerful. I love you and I have faith and hope that you can do this. One day at a time."

He responded by saying, "I love you too mom".

I still have hope that tomorrow he will get up and put one foot in front of the other and walks the path of sobriety.

Is this usual?

So, my son got kicked out of his sober living for all the "fun" he had in the bar last night. We weren't sure earlier in the day what would happen. I guess about an hour ago he called his dad and told him that he had to be out of there by curfew tonight.

Dad offered to pay to get him back in inpatient if my son could manage to get a bed there. Offered to come and pick him up and take him there. Son came up with "plan b".

His sponsor has an extra room in his house. He is going to let my son stay there with him. Is that usual? It just seems odd to me. This is the first time my son actually went as far as to get a sponsor so I am not sure what kind of boundaries there are supposed to be with that type of relationship.

Dad told son that the offer of paying for in-patient is still on the table but if he makes the decision to go and get high then all bets are off.

He sent me a text and told me he didn't want us to be mad and that he wants us to be supportive in his recovery. I told him that we are always supportive of recovery and that I am not mad and that I love him.

His life, his decisions, his consequences.

I jinxed it.

I wrote about relapse in my last post. Must it be inevitable?

My son thought he could go to a bar and listen to some music and get up on the stage and sing a few songs and stay sober. When he got back to the sober living facility he got a breathalyzer and was busted.

He has to meet with his counselor today and they will determine the next step. Likely he go back to inpatient for two weeks.

Did he get the money by selling the gift cards that I gave him? Maybe. Does that make me responsible for the relapse? No. His decision, his relapse, his consequences. Did I learn something from this myself? Yes. Only food, necessity items and clothing from here on out.

This is the first time he relapsed that I didn't feel crushed. A little sad, a little disappointed but not crushed. This is the first time that I have felt that it really has nothing to do with me. There is not a damn thing I could have done to stop it.

I am thankful that this happened in a controlled environment. He went back got busted and is dealing with the consequences. This is improvement. He could have decided not to go back to the sober living facility and go on another binge but he didn't. This could be a good thing. I am hopeful that it will be.

Paths that cross

When I wrote this particular post a month or so ago, I had not seen the father that I mentioned there, in our work place. I have seen him twice in the last couple of weeks. The first time we just exchanged hellos from opposite ends of the hallway.

Today we actually walked toward the front of the building together. He asked how I was and I responded by telling him that today I am good. He told me his son had already relapsed but was lucky enough not to get kicked out of his transitional living. Actually the way he phrased it was, "he already had his relapse". Which implies to me that he thinks it is inevitable. It happens I know, boy do I know, but must it be inevitable. Some of the addicts I talk to say it doesn't need to be.

I told him that I was sorry to hear that. He just shook his said, "I just don't know, I thought he had reached the end. I just don't know". Then he said, "I guess that is just the life of addiction". I agreed and said that it really stinks for all of us. I offered to keep praying for his son and we parted ways.

Somehow I always thought this man was taller. I did have on heels today but I towered over him. Could it be that he is letting his son's addiction literally beat him down?

I saw my son today. I took him some gift cards for food and one for a restaurant that is across the street from where he is staying. I know he can sell them if he wants to but that will be a decision he will have to make and live with. He looked great, he was clean, clothes were clean, he smiled freely and laughed easily. I hope this guy sticks around. I'd like to get to know him better.

Thankful that today my son is picking life.

A Good Day

My grandson and I picked his daddy up from his chem free living place this morning at 9:30 and headed west to visit with family there for the day. My parent's home. This is the first time my son has been there since he went on his last binge and was not allowed to come back to live.

My dad met my son and grandson on the front porch and wrapped them both in the biggest hug. It kind of made my heart hurt just a little, but in a good way.

We ate and laughed and played. It was a very good day.

Here is daddy and son on the way home this evening.

Humble

I think humble is the way that I would describe my son right now. I don't know that I have ever seen him humble. He just seems thankful for where he is and the work he is doing. He doesn't ask for much. Food sometimes, a few dollars for laundry. Last week he asked for money to go to a special event with his sponsor.

He is trying to find a job. I hope he finds one soon because I believe it would make him feel better about himself. I think he is embarrassed to ask us for money. He knows we have been taking care of his son during the past....hell, for most of the child's 2 1/2 years. Anyway, we won't go there.

I hope that this is sincere. I hope that he continues down the path of sobriety.

Thankful that for today my son has chosen life.

His Feet Are Moving

Annette wrote that on my last post. When my son called me from the hospital he detoxed in the first 24 hours he was there and said that he tired of this life style, I told him to "show me" because I have had enough of words.

I have had very little contact with him this go around. We talk on the phone for a few minutes a couple of times a week. I go by and see him maybe once a week for a few minutes. Last Saturday was the longest period of time we have spent together since he entered treatment. We saw him once a week for family group when he was in residential.

In the past I would ask questions about his treatment plan, how he spends his day, questions that were meant to ferret out whether or not he was getting what he needs to be "fixed" when returned to the real world. I had regular contact with his counselor.

I don't even know his counselor's name this time. This time I let him tell me what he wants me to know. I don't make suggestions about where he should look for jobs or how long he should stay there. This his journey.

Yes, Annette his feet are indeed moving.

I am thankful that for today that my son has continued to choose life.

Moving right along

My son came to our house on Saturday to enjoy a meal with most of his family, minus a sister and brother that had to work. He met his niece for the first time and got to spend some fun time with his son. It was a very good day for all of us.

I went by to take my son some stuff during my lunch break. He told me that he went to a 6:30 a.m. meeting with some folks staying in the facility he is in. He said he was in the kitchen area and a group was headed out and asked if he wanted to go. He said, "I didn't even know that they had 6:30 a.m. meetings". At this meeting he met a man who is a Vietnam veteran and who is 24 years clean from heroin. He asked the man to be his sponsor. I told him that God must have put him in that kitchen at 6:00 a.m. for a reason. He looked pleased with himself and like he is excited about something again. He is going to a meeting again tonight and then to another event with his sponsor afterward.

He told me that this guy is a real bad ass. I asked if he is as bad ass as my son thought he was at one point. He said, "Yeah, but this guy is real deal. He won't take any of my bullshit". This sounds like the perfect sponsor for my kid.

So again today, I am thankful that my son chose life. I am hopeful that he will again tomorrow as well.