Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I got dumped.
He cancelled on me. Said he promised a buddy to go to a meeting with him. I said sure, no problem. Hmmmmmm!
Just for Today
Yesterday my son sent a text to both his dad and me saying that he was out of food and asked if we would either bring him some food or buy a gift card at a grocery store near him. His dad responded before I did and said he would get him a gift card. I would have gone and bought food and taken it to him but Dad responded first so he got the gift card.
Anyway, I spoke to him on the phone briefly after that and told him that I have his winter and fall clothes and will drop them off today before work. He said he was doing better and that he was going to meetings several times a day. I told him that I hoped it was working for him and that I love him.
This morning he sent a text asking if I would drop the clothes off later because he was on his way to a bus stop so that he could be sure and be at a job interview on time. I told him that would be fine and then he asked if I could take some stuff home and wash it for him. He didn't ask for money so he could do it himself. Maybe he is learning.
He also sent a text that said when things are really bad he wishes he could snuggle up next to me on the couch and feel safe like he did when he was little......or move to Australia. I told him that when things are really bad I wish that he was small enough to fit in my pocket so that I could carry him with me every place that I went so that I could make sure he was safe......and if was a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day, then I wish we could both go to Australia. (this comes from a book we used to read together when he was little).
I hope he is back on track. I have read many blogs where parents said that it seemed like their adult children seem to stay out for less and less time each relapse. I am seeing this with my son as well. The fear I think that all of us POAs have is that it only takes one relapse to kill our kids. I guess on the other side of that is that it could take only one relapse for them to realize they don't want to do it again.
For today my son seems to be moving back to the path of life. I pray this is so.
Anyway, I spoke to him on the phone briefly after that and told him that I have his winter and fall clothes and will drop them off today before work. He said he was doing better and that he was going to meetings several times a day. I told him that I hoped it was working for him and that I love him.
This morning he sent a text asking if I would drop the clothes off later because he was on his way to a bus stop so that he could be sure and be at a job interview on time. I told him that would be fine and then he asked if I could take some stuff home and wash it for him. He didn't ask for money so he could do it himself. Maybe he is learning.
He also sent a text that said when things are really bad he wishes he could snuggle up next to me on the couch and feel safe like he did when he was little......or move to Australia. I told him that when things are really bad I wish that he was small enough to fit in my pocket so that I could carry him with me every place that I went so that I could make sure he was safe......and if was a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day, then I wish we could both go to Australia. (this comes from a book we used to read together when he was little).
I hope he is back on track. I have read many blogs where parents said that it seemed like their adult children seem to stay out for less and less time each relapse. I am seeing this with my son as well. The fear I think that all of us POAs have is that it only takes one relapse to kill our kids. I guess on the other side of that is that it could take only one relapse for them to realize they don't want to do it again.
For today my son seems to be moving back to the path of life. I pray this is so.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Should haves suck
I had to got to our storage shed and pull out some warmer clothes. I should have done that over the weekend. Should have should have should have.
A million should haves in my life. They don't change anything about today. Might not have changed anything yesterday either.
Anyway, I saw a box of my son's winter clothes. His coat was laying out. This is so hard.
A million should haves in my life. They don't change anything about today. Might not have changed anything yesterday either.
Anyway, I saw a box of my son's winter clothes. His coat was laying out. This is so hard.
He is still out there.
I got a message from a young woman that my son seems to always hook up with when he is deep in his addiction. She wants to "help" him. She does this by going to his apartment and cleaning for him and buying him food. Probably giving him money as well.
She told me that she stayed with him while he went through withdrawal and "took care of him". She left one morning only to come back and find him high. He is telling her he needs to be back in rehab. I told her that we gave him information and offered a ride if he could get in one. She said she is afraid he will overdose this time. I told her that we were afraid of that too.
I told her that I took him to a psychiatric hospital and he was there 4 days and as soon as he got out and got some money he was using again. I tried to convince her again this time that her focus should be on her and her kids (she has two young kids) not my son. I am wondering who has her kids while she is babysitting my son?
He sent his dad and me a text at 1:30 a.m. We don't check for text messages that late. If you really need to tell me something that late you better call and it better be important. My text just said, "Mom?" and Dad's just said, "Dad?". Later he sent one that asked me to call him when I woke up because he couldn't sleep and that something was eating his insides out. Meth will do that to a person.
I don't want to talk to him right now and I really don't want to see what he looks like. I know he is hurting, I know he doesn't like himself at all right now. I also know that there is not a damn thing I can do about it. This is his to take care of. I have to take care of myself and I know if I spoke to him or saw him that I would sprial back to a place that I don't ever want to go back to again.
I love him dearly and if I thought there was ANYTHING that I could do to fix him I would have done it years ago. It hurts to feel some helpless and not in control. I wish that a Power Ranger band aide would make it all better I'd buy a case of them.
I am holding on to hope. I read Ron's blog and see that his son is 3 years sober now, has a job, has a home and a family. I have hope that one day my son will have those things too.
She told me that she stayed with him while he went through withdrawal and "took care of him". She left one morning only to come back and find him high. He is telling her he needs to be back in rehab. I told her that we gave him information and offered a ride if he could get in one. She said she is afraid he will overdose this time. I told her that we were afraid of that too.
I told her that I took him to a psychiatric hospital and he was there 4 days and as soon as he got out and got some money he was using again. I tried to convince her again this time that her focus should be on her and her kids (she has two young kids) not my son. I am wondering who has her kids while she is babysitting my son?
He sent his dad and me a text at 1:30 a.m. We don't check for text messages that late. If you really need to tell me something that late you better call and it better be important. My text just said, "Mom?" and Dad's just said, "Dad?". Later he sent one that asked me to call him when I woke up because he couldn't sleep and that something was eating his insides out. Meth will do that to a person.
I don't want to talk to him right now and I really don't want to see what he looks like. I know he is hurting, I know he doesn't like himself at all right now. I also know that there is not a damn thing I can do about it. This is his to take care of. I have to take care of myself and I know if I spoke to him or saw him that I would sprial back to a place that I don't ever want to go back to again.
I love him dearly and if I thought there was ANYTHING that I could do to fix him I would have done it years ago. It hurts to feel some helpless and not in control. I wish that a Power Ranger band aide would make it all better I'd buy a case of them.
I am holding on to hope. I read Ron's blog and see that his son is 3 years sober now, has a job, has a home and a family. I have hope that one day my son will have those things too.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Another opportunity to say I love you.
My son saw his dad's vehicle in town last night and sent me a text to ask me what he was doing.
He was at a music venue to watch a friend of ours perform. I was pooped out after two days with my grandson so I stayed home.
I told him that his dad told me that he was trying to get back into rehab and I told him that I hoped it worked out for him. I also told him that I know that he has been sick and hurting and that I am sorry but to hang on because the detox should be almost over. I told him I love him and that if I thought there was anything I could do to take it all away and make things different I would.
He said he knew this and that he loves me too.
He was at a music venue to watch a friend of ours perform. I was pooped out after two days with my grandson so I stayed home.
I told him that his dad told me that he was trying to get back into rehab and I told him that I hoped it worked out for him. I also told him that I know that he has been sick and hurting and that I am sorry but to hang on because the detox should be almost over. I told him I love him and that if I thought there was anything I could do to take it all away and make things different I would.
He said he knew this and that he loves me too.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
He doesn't need our help.
My son texted his dad today and told him he had someone who could help him get back into the rehab he finished in the spring.
I pray that is true.
I pray that is true.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
I called it!
I'm not happy that I called it but I did. My son blew through $1000 in 4 days. Now he has no money and no job. He is at his apartment and is dope sick. I don't want to see it again.
He sent me a series of texts last night telling me that he doesn't know how he manages to get himself in the same mess over and over again. He always thinks he can control it. I reminded him that admitting he can't control it is the very first step.
He sounded pretty disgusted with himself. I reminded him that he has all the tools necessary to make a change in his life. He has to decide first whether or not he wants a life or to just continue on the path he is on. I told him that I don't have the answers for him and he will have to determine what those answers are for himself. I suggested two things, contact his AA family and to call the rehab he completed last spring to see if they would readmit him. Other than that I only offered that I love him and that I have hope that he will find his way.
His dad contacted him today and he is begging for us to get him into a rehab because he is sick. Most won't accept him if he is going through withdrawl. More importantly most won't accept him without $$$ up front. Our insurance won't pay for detox unless there are other issues.
I suggested to his dad that we call the police and have them do a safety check. They would find paraphernalia and probably drugs in the apartment. He has unpaid fines and this would lead to jail. He could detox there. Dad wasn't ready to do that yet. If he starts making threats to hurt himself again we will make the call.
Here is where I am at with the whole rehab thing at this point, I think he should take some responsibity for making the phone calls and finding a place. I am willing to provide the phone numbers and give him a ride. I'd probably even poney up the money. I am just so tired of the whole merry-go-round.
He sent me a series of texts last night telling me that he doesn't know how he manages to get himself in the same mess over and over again. He always thinks he can control it. I reminded him that admitting he can't control it is the very first step.
He sounded pretty disgusted with himself. I reminded him that he has all the tools necessary to make a change in his life. He has to decide first whether or not he wants a life or to just continue on the path he is on. I told him that I don't have the answers for him and he will have to determine what those answers are for himself. I suggested two things, contact his AA family and to call the rehab he completed last spring to see if they would readmit him. Other than that I only offered that I love him and that I have hope that he will find his way.
His dad contacted him today and he is begging for us to get him into a rehab because he is sick. Most won't accept him if he is going through withdrawl. More importantly most won't accept him without $$$ up front. Our insurance won't pay for detox unless there are other issues.
I suggested to his dad that we call the police and have them do a safety check. They would find paraphernalia and probably drugs in the apartment. He has unpaid fines and this would lead to jail. He could detox there. Dad wasn't ready to do that yet. If he starts making threats to hurt himself again we will make the call.
Here is where I am at with the whole rehab thing at this point, I think he should take some responsibity for making the phone calls and finding a place. I am willing to provide the phone numbers and give him a ride. I'd probably even poney up the money. I am just so tired of the whole merry-go-round.
Monday, October 21, 2013
His path is not my path.
"In addition, I might remind you that homeless may be the path he chooses. I am sorry for that, just stay in contact when you can with love and encouragement. Sometimes words and hope is all you can or should give." Ron Grover
Thanks for the reminder, Ron.
I think I have come to accept the fact that I don't have the right to meddle in my son's business. I have worked on detachment and think that I have managed to do a fairly good job of not letting everything my son does decide what my next step will be.
I enjoyed the weekend at home alone. I just piddled around (that is Southern for "not doing much of anything at all"). My daughter came by a couple of times to eat food from my cupboard and fridge. That was a-okay with me. On Sunday my hubby came home from his camping trip and my older son and his wife brought my granddaughter over for lunch. She is almost 8 months old and is such a happy little girl. She giggled and smiled almost the whole time she was there. She has two bottom teeth.
It isn't easy every day to put my son in his own special compartment in my brain so that I don't dwell on the what ifs and I wonders.
He sent a text this morning that said simply, "Love you". I sent one back that said, "I love you too. There is nothing that will ever change that".
Yes, I will take every opportunity to let him know I love him. I will not take part in his drug use, I will not allow myself to get sucked up in the drama of it all. That is his path and I choose not to walk beside, ahead of or behind him on that path. I will walk a path of my own choosing.
Thanks for the reminder, Ron.
I think I have come to accept the fact that I don't have the right to meddle in my son's business. I have worked on detachment and think that I have managed to do a fairly good job of not letting everything my son does decide what my next step will be.
I enjoyed the weekend at home alone. I just piddled around (that is Southern for "not doing much of anything at all"). My daughter came by a couple of times to eat food from my cupboard and fridge. That was a-okay with me. On Sunday my hubby came home from his camping trip and my older son and his wife brought my granddaughter over for lunch. She is almost 8 months old and is such a happy little girl. She giggled and smiled almost the whole time she was there. She has two bottom teeth.
It isn't easy every day to put my son in his own special compartment in my brain so that I don't dwell on the what ifs and I wonders.
He sent a text this morning that said simply, "Love you". I sent one back that said, "I love you too. There is nothing that will ever change that".
Yes, I will take every opportunity to let him know I love him. I will not take part in his drug use, I will not allow myself to get sucked up in the drama of it all. That is his path and I choose not to walk beside, ahead of or behind him on that path. I will walk a path of my own choosing.
Friday, October 18, 2013
He's out.
He was discharged yesterday with a prescription for Zoloft. I was out of town for work so his dad went to pick him up. My son asked for money for groceries and minutes for his phone. My husband wisely said, "We will go shopping". We are both finally on the same page about giving money. Neither of us are willing to do it.
This made my son angry. Since we have his annuity check my husband decided to take him to pay his rent up for the next 5 months. They both agreed.......until they got close to the bank. My son told his dad that he couldn't be broke. What? They finally agreed that he would pay for the next 2 months. We have that money in our savings account. Along with the money he agreed to pay his son and ex-wife. He had $1000 on him yesterday. I doubt he has $10 on him today.
I am so tired of this.
This made my son angry. Since we have his annuity check my husband decided to take him to pay his rent up for the next 5 months. They both agreed.......until they got close to the bank. My son told his dad that he couldn't be broke. What? They finally agreed that he would pay for the next 2 months. We have that money in our savings account. Along with the money he agreed to pay his son and ex-wife. He had $1000 on him yesterday. I doubt he has $10 on him today.
I am so tired of this.
Wednesday, October 16, 2013
Day 3
I assume that my son is still in the psych hospital because I haven't heard from him today. We talked to him last night and it sounds like he is on the dual diagnosis unit. He is on 3 different medications right now. Zoloft, Ambien and another that he doesn't know the name of. He said something for anxiety.
He still sounded despondent when I talked to him. He does not sound hopeful that life can be any better.
I am sort of surprised that they haven't managed to "cure" him yet. What I really mean is that I am surprised that the insurance company is still paying. It is really a pretty restrictive plan.
I am taking this a day at a time. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. He may get out, go to his apartment and start where he left off. He said he still has pills there. He may decide never to use ever again. That will be up to him.
We ended up paying his rent with the understanding that when he get his annuity check he will pay us back. I guess we will see. His check came to our house this week but we haven't told him. He would be extra eager to get out the hospital if he knew it was there.
This just sucks!!!
He still sounded despondent when I talked to him. He does not sound hopeful that life can be any better.
I am sort of surprised that they haven't managed to "cure" him yet. What I really mean is that I am surprised that the insurance company is still paying. It is really a pretty restrictive plan.
I am taking this a day at a time. I don't know what will happen tomorrow. He may get out, go to his apartment and start where he left off. He said he still has pills there. He may decide never to use ever again. That will be up to him.
We ended up paying his rent with the understanding that when he get his annuity check he will pay us back. I guess we will see. His check came to our house this week but we haven't told him. He would be extra eager to get out the hospital if he knew it was there.
This just sucks!!!
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
Goodwill Shopping Again!
My son is still in the hospital. He is saying that he doesn't need to be there. Still blaming us for him being there.
He of course had no clothes except the ones he had on. I suppose there were clothes in his apartment. I doubt they were clean but he wouldn't let me come in and I really didn't want to because I didn't want to see the remains of what he had been doing there.
I went to the Dollar Tree and bought whatever I could get there that he needed and then to Goodwill to get the rest. I think I spent $30 altogether. It always makes me really, really sad to go through the same steps over and over.
A friend at work asked me to lunch and I told her that I had to go pick up a few things for my son and that he was without underwear or socks. She said, "He kind of deserves to be without, doesn't he?" I just looked at her and walked away.
First of all she has no children, second she has never had a family member with an addiction problem.
Anyway, I don't know what will happen next. I have to just be happy today that he is in a safe place.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.
He of course had no clothes except the ones he had on. I suppose there were clothes in his apartment. I doubt they were clean but he wouldn't let me come in and I really didn't want to because I didn't want to see the remains of what he had been doing there.
I went to the Dollar Tree and bought whatever I could get there that he needed and then to Goodwill to get the rest. I think I spent $30 altogether. It always makes me really, really sad to go through the same steps over and over.
A friend at work asked me to lunch and I told her that I had to go pick up a few things for my son and that he was without underwear or socks. She said, "He kind of deserves to be without, doesn't he?" I just looked at her and walked away.
First of all she has no children, second she has never had a family member with an addiction problem.
Anyway, I don't know what will happen next. I have to just be happy today that he is in a safe place.
Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers.
Monday, October 14, 2013
It's Rodeo Time!
I am sad and happy at the same time to say this. My son is in an acute psychiatric hospital. I took him today after receiving a text early this morning that simply said, "BYE". This was after we had made plans to take him out for his birthday tomorrow evening. He turned 25 on Sunday, sent the text at 12:45 am. I didn't see it until I got out of bed for work.
We called his work this morning to see if he came in. Guess what? He lost his job last week. His boss was very apologetic and said that he really tried to work with him but he was coming to work high and simply could not function.
I tried to call his phone and he had turned it off. I went to his apartment and was really shocked that he came to the door. He looked awful. Pin point pupils, dirty, stinky, all of you POAs know what I am talking about.
I told him that we were worried that he had hurt himself. He said that he tried but it didn't work. He had taken a lot of different pills. He said he still wanted to die. That everyone would be better off without him. That he was worthless and useless. I assured him that there are many, many people who think otherwise. I told him to get his shoes on and I would take him to the hospital.
He did and got in my car then vacillated between, "I need to be there" to "I don't need this shit".
I told him that I would not make him go but that I would not turn around and take him back to his apartment to die and that I would not contribute to him killing himself. He would have to walk back from the parking lot of the hospital. Probably 10 or so miles.
It is never a fast process so the longer we waited the more agitated he became. He said that he wouldn't stay. I again told him that he would have to walk home if he didn't stay and at least do the intake and if they did the intake and said he needed to stay then he would have to stay or walk home.
I went back with him for the intake for about 5 minutes. He got irritated with me and started cursing so I told him that I would leave and wait in the waiting room
I did hear that he has been doing meth, alcohol and opiates, particularly heroin. He admitted that is why he lost his job. He told her that he still wanted to die and that he still has pills at home and still wants to be dead. He told the counselor that he hears voices and sometimes sees people that aren't really there.
After I paid the co-pay he decided again that he wouldn't stay. He went back and forth with this for the next hour. Finally he blamed me for him being there because I brought him there.
I told him that I was leaving and that he could do whatever he thought was the right thing to do. As I walked out the door the intake counselor followed me and handed me the "Parent Packet". I told her he was saying he wasn't going to stay. She said he had already signed himself in so he didn't have a choice at least for tonight.
I drove away with tears in my eyes. I may cry some more later but right now I know that I did what any mother or father of an addict would do. I love that little boy man. I hope that he does the right thing for him.
We called his work this morning to see if he came in. Guess what? He lost his job last week. His boss was very apologetic and said that he really tried to work with him but he was coming to work high and simply could not function.
I tried to call his phone and he had turned it off. I went to his apartment and was really shocked that he came to the door. He looked awful. Pin point pupils, dirty, stinky, all of you POAs know what I am talking about.
I told him that we were worried that he had hurt himself. He said that he tried but it didn't work. He had taken a lot of different pills. He said he still wanted to die. That everyone would be better off without him. That he was worthless and useless. I assured him that there are many, many people who think otherwise. I told him to get his shoes on and I would take him to the hospital.
He did and got in my car then vacillated between, "I need to be there" to "I don't need this shit".
I told him that I would not make him go but that I would not turn around and take him back to his apartment to die and that I would not contribute to him killing himself. He would have to walk back from the parking lot of the hospital. Probably 10 or so miles.
It is never a fast process so the longer we waited the more agitated he became. He said that he wouldn't stay. I again told him that he would have to walk home if he didn't stay and at least do the intake and if they did the intake and said he needed to stay then he would have to stay or walk home.
I went back with him for the intake for about 5 minutes. He got irritated with me and started cursing so I told him that I would leave and wait in the waiting room
I did hear that he has been doing meth, alcohol and opiates, particularly heroin. He admitted that is why he lost his job. He told her that he still wanted to die and that he still has pills at home and still wants to be dead. He told the counselor that he hears voices and sometimes sees people that aren't really there.
After I paid the co-pay he decided again that he wouldn't stay. He went back and forth with this for the next hour. Finally he blamed me for him being there because I brought him there.
I told him that I was leaving and that he could do whatever he thought was the right thing to do. As I walked out the door the intake counselor followed me and handed me the "Parent Packet". I told her he was saying he wasn't going to stay. She said he had already signed himself in so he didn't have a choice at least for tonight.
I drove away with tears in my eyes. I may cry some more later but right now I know that I did what any mother or father of an addict would do. I love that little boy man. I hope that he does the right thing for him.
Friday, October 4, 2013
Can I borrow.....
Here it goes. He sent a text this morning asking to borrow a $100 to hold him over to payday. He needs food, to do is laundry and he needs to get his bike fixed. The bike has had a flat for over a month now.
He said after paying child support, rent and paying for his son's birthday party that he is broke. He will pay us back from his annuity check that he will receive next week at some point.
I told him that we won't loan him cash but that I will buy some food for him, take his laundry home and do it over the weekend and bring it back to him and that his bike can wait until he gets paid.
His response was, "I guess I will have to do the only thing I know to do to get some money". To which I responded, "Okay".
I asked if he was at work. He responded that he is. "Working and still having to do something illegal to pay the bills". I assume he meant sell drugs but I didn't even respond to him.
He is going to do what he is going to do. I won't let him manipulate me.
Some days I wish I was naive and didn't realize what was going on but those days are long gone. I know that he is back on that dark path. I refuse to walk it with him again.
He said after paying child support, rent and paying for his son's birthday party that he is broke. He will pay us back from his annuity check that he will receive next week at some point.
I told him that we won't loan him cash but that I will buy some food for him, take his laundry home and do it over the weekend and bring it back to him and that his bike can wait until he gets paid.
His response was, "I guess I will have to do the only thing I know to do to get some money". To which I responded, "Okay".
I asked if he was at work. He responded that he is. "Working and still having to do something illegal to pay the bills". I assume he meant sell drugs but I didn't even respond to him.
He is going to do what he is going to do. I won't let him manipulate me.
Some days I wish I was naive and didn't realize what was going on but those days are long gone. I know that he is back on that dark path. I refuse to walk it with him again.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
October = Birthday # 25
And what this means is that my son gets his final annuity check from an insurance settlement from a car accident he was involved in when he was 15. The money was to be paid out over a period of time and most of it was to go to a college education. Most of it went in his veins.
He will get a $5000 check on his birthday. By court order he is supposed to give his ex-wife $500 because he stole that amount or more from her savings account to buy drugs. He is supposed to give me $2000 to put in his son's savings account that I manage. He will have $2500 left.
His dad suggested he pay his rent in advance with that. He went ballistic.
He sent his dad a very angry text. He called and yelled at me. What does he have to yell at me about? This tells me that he has "plans" for this money. He either owes money for drugs he has already used or he plans to have a big drug blow out with the money.
I hope that I am wrong.
This sucks!!!!!!
He will get a $5000 check on his birthday. By court order he is supposed to give his ex-wife $500 because he stole that amount or more from her savings account to buy drugs. He is supposed to give me $2000 to put in his son's savings account that I manage. He will have $2500 left.
His dad suggested he pay his rent in advance with that. He went ballistic.
He sent his dad a very angry text. He called and yelled at me. What does he have to yell at me about? This tells me that he has "plans" for this money. He either owes money for drugs he has already used or he plans to have a big drug blow out with the money.
I hope that I am wrong.
This sucks!!!!!!
Tuesday, October 1, 2013
You Can't Hide What I See In Your Eyes!
Sick Son
Healthy Son
What's your guess?
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