A Long Way From Home

I called in sick at work today. I know as tough as I try to be this will be an emotional day for me and dealing with the public would not be easy for me.


Today is my son's 26th birthday. I don't know where he is. I know that he was in town last weekend and made no effort to contact me or his dad. He called my grandson and promised to come and see him. In order to see him he must make arrangements for me or his dad to supervise. He called his dad and told him he would be in town and would like to see his son. As I've mentioned before, he hasn't contacted me since I refused to help him get here to see his son on the son's birthday last month. His dad told him that we would work something out. My son never responded.


I saw a post on FB by his girlfriend begging him to check in with her. I commented that her comment didn't sound good. She let me know that she didn't know where he was and that he lied about his whereabouts to her. I suggested that she concentrate on taking care  of herself. She said, "but I love him so much". I told her that I am his mom and no one can love him as much as I do and if love fixed it, we wouldn't be dealing with it now.


The girlfriend told my grandson's mom that my son has been doing his  usual. Stealing from roommates, being verbally and physically abusive to her. The girlfriend says that she tried to get my son to visit his son while they were in town and he wouldn't. My deduction is that he was too high to bother....but that's just me.


Anyway, it doesn't sound good. Today he loses his insurance coverage through his dad. His resources are dwindling.


Please keep my son in your thoughts and prayers. He is a long way from home in more ways than one.

Geographical Escapes

I've read and I have heard over the years that addicts often believe they can outrun their addictions by making a major geographical move. My son has tried this several times over the years. The most recent one was encouraged by several warrants for his arrest. Go figure!


He moved to another state with a woman (of course) to avoid being tied to a trafficking "gang". He messaged me on Facebook asking for money to buy clothes so that he would have something decent to wear for job interviews. For about two seconds I thought about it then I sent him a message back that said that I love him and I wish him luck but I wouldn't send money for clothes and I wouldn't buy clothes for him again. I reminded him that he used to have nice stuff and then I told him that I was sorry that he had managed to misplace them along the way. I didn't get a response to that.


I got another message saying that he wanted to come home because he misses me. I told him that I love him and I wish him well. I told him all that I have to offer is my love and my continued prayers for him. I didn't hear back.


The last message I got from him was about his son's birthday coming up. I told him that I couldn't afford to do a birthday party and that I wasn't even sure I could afford the gas to get to the party that the grandson's mom will be giving him. He responded that he had never been away from his son on his birthday before. I told him that I hadn't either. I told him that I can't afford to get him back to the state and that I can't give him a place to stay. I suggested he work something out with my grandson's mom about seeing him. I haven't heard from him since.


He may have been physically present but he was very high 2 of the three birthdays that my grandson has had. Including the day he was born.


I see on FB that he has a job and seems to be doing okay with that. His dad got a text from him last night saying he was headed to the ER for a kidney stone issue. This has been his last resort way of getting opiates in the past. So, if he was doing well with the job it will end soon. Just like all of the rest of them.


I know I sound harsh here. I have had to put a super dooper barrier between me and my son. I'm doing what I can to transition into my new life as a single 50 year old woman. I really can't and shouldn't be spending my time chasing around after a soon to be 26 year old drug addicted man. I look back over the years and the posts I've put here and I am amazed that I have gotten to this point. I love my son with all of my heart but I realize now that I have done everything that I can do for him. It is his turn to take care of things for himself.


I hope you all have a great Labor Day! I had a great weekend with my grandson. He is on his way back home to his mom and his nana. I'll use the rest of the day to rest from his visit and get ready for the short work week. :-)

I'm Still Kicking!!!

I'm still here folks! I'm transitioning back into the strong woman that I used to be before I let my soon to be ex-husband run my life for me. It took awhile to get to the point that I realized that I am a strong, smart and very capable woman. I know that I was beginning to find her while dealing with my son's addiction but after my ex left I had two choices, wallow in grief and self-pity or get up and move on.


After years of dealing with grief and self-pity dealing with an addicted son I was TIRED of that choice! I have made some big changes in the past 90 days. I moved away from the house that I had lived in for 15 years to a town an hour away. I'm not close enough to jump up and run to any of my children or grandchildren. Grown folks are having to deal with stuff on their own. The ex is having to be interrupted in whatever he is going through to do things like, run an insurance card to my daughter at the walk in clinic. Go help her move her stuff from one house to the next.


I have a new job that leaves me with energy and time to do things that I enjoy. My life is really opening up and becoming more and more enjoyable for me with each day. Really, I feel fairly stress free for the first time in years. My life is simple. I don't make much money and the house I live in is not fancy but it is comfortable. I'm learning that simple and comfortable are very important things to me.


My son is still using. I'm pretty sure it is meth now but I don't have proof. I rarely talk to him on the phone, I last saw him a month ago and it was an awful visit. He only contacts me when he wants something from me. I don't do anything for him. I've run out of the will for that.


I'm making arrangements to see my grand kids next weekend. That is the one thing that I miss about being close. I can't just run get them anytime I get the urge. You know....I think that is a good thing too. I think sometimes I used their visits as a distraction from some of the things that were going on in my house and my marriage. I don't know. Anyway, I do know that I will enjoy them every time I get to spend time with them.


I'm finding my spiritual self again and that is really nice. I've started exercising and watching my diet. I have a friend that encourages me and even works out with me sometimes. I've lost 32 pounds since February. Life for me is just really good.


I've been reading blogs some and note the ups and downs. I'll try to do better about checking in. Helga is a super sleuth!!! She found me on Facebook. That just reinforced that all of us POAs are connected in some way. I think about each of you often and you are all always in my prayers.

It HAS been awhile!!!!!

I just looked back and I haven't posted anything since February! It is not that there is nothing to talk about. I guess that I have been consumed with life. There have been a bunch of changes in last couple of months. I'll update you.


My son left the rehab he was in after about 45 days with his PO's blessing. His charge was to get in another rehab within 2 weeks. Well,  he took 1 week and 6 days. I finally ended up paying to get him in after having him in my house for a day and a half. The back story is that he called me and told me he was going the next day and needed a place to stay. I told him no at first and then told him if he could get a ride to my house that I would let him stay the night. His son happened to be here. It ended up being a great night. The next day I too him to the rehab, he went in and came out with a piece of paper and said he had to complete that and bring it back the next day and he would have a bed. Okay.


So, he got up the next day and said that just because he turns in those papers doesn't mean he will have a bed. I called him out on it. He of course got upset and went into addict mode. "You just don't want me here!!!! I'll just find another place to stay!!!!!" My 3 year old grandson said, "Don't you talk to Granny that way!!!! She is my friend ALWAYS!" I'm glad I didn't actually see the interaction. Just hearing it made me tear up.


The next day I called the rehab and told  them that I needed him out of my house and that I was willing to pay the fee to get him a bed. They told me I could bring him at noon the next day. We agreed not to tell my son that I had paid the fee again. So, I got him there and he is still there.


The other news is that my marriage finally collapsed. My husband admitted to be having an affair, admitted that he doesn't want to be responsible to or for anyone and he was moving out. What do you say after hearing that?


We have agreed on a settlement. I'll be moving on. I don't know what my future holds but I have learned to let go and let God! I have a good therapist. I get to keep the kids and grandkids. He gets to keep the girlfriend. I think I will come out on the positive side of this. I've started working out again, I have learned to enjoy my own company. I have friends that love me and I am reconnecting with them. My bio family is a great support system for me and my little sisters are planning a girl's weekend for me. I am a little afraid of what they have planned. :-)


I have cried my eyes out but have decided that this is where I am at and I'll be okay.


I'll try to do better to stay in contact.


I've been reading and trying to keep up with everyone.


I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Letters passing in the mail

I wrote my son a letter last week. I got one from him about the same time he got mine. Weird, right?


As I predicted he was asking about visits with his son, "If it isn't too much trouble", and, "Could you send pictures of Dante, if it isn't too much trouble". HA! I like the way all of the sudden he is considering if he is causing too much trouble.


I am still not sure what to do about visits with his son.


I just put a letter in the mail for him that tells him that another friend of his died of an overdose over the weekend. This guy had been sober for more than a year. He died on Friday.


This drug is so evil. It doesn't care who it takes down.


I'm tired................tired.

Almost 30 days....

I'm not sure how I am feeling right now. It is almost the 30 day mark for my son in this new rehab and he will be able to make phone calls and begin to have visits. Part of me feels very anxious to hear from him and part of me feels well, anxious about hearing from him.


I'd like to know he is okay but I really don't want to know if things are awful there and I don't want to hear him snivel and whine.


I know he is going to expect me to bring his son to visit right away. I don't know if that will be the right thing to do. My grandson hasn't seen his dad in 5 months and truthfully I can't remember the last time he saw his dad sober. He calls his step dad, "Dad". I may need to reach out to my therapist or a child development specialist to get an expert opinion. My son has talked to his son on the phone a couple of times and my grandson always asks him, "What is your name?" It is heart breaking.


Anyway, I'll deal with it one step at a time. That is the only way to do it.


I hope you guys are seeing sunshine. The sun came out in Arkansas today and we have hopes for some warmer weather. Come on springtime!!!!

The Beast

The beast claimed another life yesterday.....I doubt that it was the only one. The one we all heard about was a well known actor.  He is really no different than the ones we didn't hear about yesterday. The actor, just like our addicted loved ones, lived each day with that devil on one shoulder telling them to just pick up one more time, it'll be okay. And their conscience on the other saying, "Please, please, please don't do it!"

As I sit here this morning I am wondering, does the beast claim a life the first time an addict uses or does it claim the life after the addict is gone? From what I have witnessed with my son, the beast claimed his life the first time he put a needle in his arm and allowed the beast into his body. The beast has been the director, orchestrator, the boss of my son's life for the past 7 years. The beast has owned my son for that long.

Does the beast own him or is he merely renting out space? My prayer is that he is renting out space and that the lease has expired.

I hope you all have a great week and I pray that this is the day all of our addicted loved ones see their way out of the craziness.

Letters a plenty

When I talked to the intake guy for the newest rehab my son managed to get himself into, I was told that my son could write all the letters he wanted to the first 30 days and I could write all I wanted to.


I haven't been inclined to write and I guess he hasn't either.


Oh, well!!!

I didn't mean to sound cruel...

I realize my last post probably sounded a little cruel. Maybe even a lot. I don't know what kind of place my son is in and I am not sure if he needs what they have to offer. The person that spoke to me said that they use behavior modification as a treatment modality. I know very little about that process. I know what behavior modification is but have never seen it in practice.


The little grin was for two reasons; 1) That I believe he manipulated his situation to get out of jail without much thought to where he might end up. So, in my mind, by manipulating the situation you get what you get. 2) I didn't resort to "rescue  mommy" mode and immediately see what it would take to get him out of there. That is a HUGE accomplishment for me.


So, if that was the first post that you read of mine, please know that I am not an uncaring mother who is glad my son is suffering (if indeed he is0. I believe whatever he goes through in that facility is a far cry from the suffering that he has been going through for the past 7 years while addicted to opiates.


I hope everyone is having a great weekend. We have sunshine here in Arkansas today and I think we are even going to get above freezing for a few days.

From the frying pan into the fire.

I dropped my son's clothes off at his new rehab yesterday. The first thing I heard was a man berating a young woman about why she needed to go to the doctor. I heard kidney infection, you better not come back here with something in your system you didn't go for, why are you crying, what do you want me to do cry with you? Then a whistle......exercise time, exercise time, exercise come. Get in here now, now, now!


I'm thinking that he might have been happier to stay in jail. The mommy in me hated to hear all that, the recovering enabler grinned just a tiny bit as I walked out.

You never really get used to it...

I went to clean out my son's apartment today. I'm glad I had some time with a couple of friends of mine before I went. It made my overall day much nicer.


I only threw up two times. Once when cleaning the dishes out of the kitchen. I didn't wash them I only tried to rinse them off as well as I could with only cold water. At one point I reach in and grabbed a greasy mess of something. That was the first time I got sick.


The second time was in the bathroom. I knew it was bad but I started thinking about how a female, addict or not, could stand using that nasty bathroom. I'm not usually that weak stomached but today was really hard.


I really think that it is cleaner now than when he moved it. That is just my OCD. I can't stand to leave a nasty place behind.


And what is with soot marks through the entire apartment??? Why can't they designate one room to do drugs in? I know, none of it makes sense.


I'm glad I did an initial go through and threw a bunch of stuff away.


I'm just glad this is over. I will not put myself through this again. Pinkie swear!!!!

Signing on the dotted line.......

I have learned not to co-sign for anything with my son. At least not until he has had some proven sobriety under his belt. Years of proven sobriety!


I co-signed a lease for him back in September when he had a great job and was living in a homeless shelter. When he had the money to pay the first month's rent we agreed to pay the deposit and co-sign the lease so he would be eligible. Within in a month everything went to hell in a hand basket. He was shooting everything he made into his arm and never paid utilities (also in my name) and but for his last annuity check, would not have paid any rent. We insisted that he pay at least through the end of the year and pay us back the month we covered for him. In reality, he only earned money to pay one month's rent. He was drugging up his entire pay check.


We knew that my job was ending at the end of December so we socked away enough to cover January. The landlord has been very accommodating to me. He let me in the apartment to do some cleaning at the first of this month. I let him know then that we weren't sure what was going to happen with our son, he sort of indicated then that he was willing to work with us and my son no matter what the outcome was.


I called him yesterday to let him know that my son was court ordered to long term treatment and would not be coming back to the apartment. I asked to get into the apartment this week to clean it out and get it ready for the next renter. They are going to release me from the lease. Thank goodness. We won't get the deposit back but at least I won't have that black mark on my credit.


Also yesterday, a counselor from the rehab called to ask me about bringing my son's clothes. I explained that I have to work with the landlord to get into the apartment since I don't have a key. Then I added, "Frankly, I am not jumping through hoops to make it happen either" and that I would get them there at some point this week. She said, "I understand. You have already jumped through all of those hoops haven't you?" Yes ma'am and then some!!!!


I hope you are seeing a little sunshine where you are today. Both figuratively and literally!

Happy 2014

I have been MIA for a minute or two. First thing, does anyone that uses Blogger know how to remove someone from your reading list? I am getting all kinds of advice about things I am not interested in reading from someone but I can't figure out how to hide or delete them.




Okay, here is what has been happening in my life. I had a great holiday with the family that was available to me. I took the law school admission test, LSAT, on January 4th and I did okay. I was the only person in the room wearing reading glasses and I was one of the few in the room who wasn't hyperventilating. I don't think I really want to go to law school but it is nice to know I could get in if I wanted to.


I am unemployed for almost a month and haven't slowed a bit. I thought I would take a couple of weeks to rest and take care of me. I have been taking care of me but I haven't really rested. I have had my grand kids with me on weeknights, I have started cleaning and organizing my house, I have done more reading of things not related to addiction and I have started working out again. I am starting to feel human again. I will have to go back to work in the next month or so doing something but this time has been invaluable for me.




My son managed to convince a rehab to admit him so that he could get out of jail. He had several call me about payment. I told them all that we don't have the money to invest in treatment again. We are still in debt from the last couple of go rounds. I assured them that we love him very much but we have nothing more to give other than that love and hope that he will make a change.


One guy called to ask me about my son's drug history. I recounted it as best I could. He told me he was looking for the truth because my son told him that this was the first time he had been in trouble and he was suspicious that he wasn't being honest. I told him that I was suspicious that my son was only interested in getting out of jail and not so interested in treatment.


Is that wrong? I really think that he is manipulating the system to get out of jail. I don't think he is going to learn anything except he got away with something. I know that he will be on probation and will be drug tested etc. It is just mother's intuition that he is not ready. I HOPE that I am wrong.


He can't have visitors for 30 days. We can write letters but no phone calls. I'm not stressed over that. I didn't go see him in jail.....he didn't even ask that I come visit. I haven't seen him since October right after his birthday. Right after he shot $1000 up.


Since my name is on is lease I will have to talk to the landlord about the lease. I think that they will let me off if I just clean the place up and get it ready for a new renter. After I get out of this I am going to call it a lesson learned. I won't quickly sign my name to anything for my son.


Oh, I forgot....his apartment was broken into and everything of sort of value was taken. It ransacked. I was able to get in by the landlord and look around. There were still some needles there, a couple of capsules that I think contain heroin.


Anyway, today my life is sunny. My son is alive and I have hope that he will take advantage of that.


Take care!!!