Mirrors

No, not the kind that probably came immediately to your mind. As you all know my son was here for Christmas and that I returned him safely to rehab on Christmas evening. He didn't get expensive gifts. I decided that I wasn't going to replace things he pawned for drugs. The next go around he will have to figure a way to buy those for himself. He did get some new jeans and a couple of shirts. He looked really good when I took him back. Like a "regular" guy (whatever that means). His dad and I both commented on that fact and he seemed pleased.

It has been so long since he really cared about his appearance I was thrilled to see him clean, shaved (mostly) with a recent hair cut. I went into the room he slept in while he was here yesterday to make sure that there were no dirty dishes or clothes left behind, there weren't! I noticed that he had pulled a full length mirror out of the closet. Apparently he checked out himself out before we left! Am I the only one who thinks this is significant? :-)

Everything in it's own time

3 weeks ago my son called and said, "I know that I shouldn't be thinking about this now but...I don't think I want to go to a chem free house after I am done here. I just kind of want to get a job and start over." I agreed with him that he didn't have to think about that at that moment and suggested he give himself some time to explore all of his options.

He called last night and was in a great mood. He said he was happy that he was able to come home and is glad that he went back. I think he was happy with himself because he got through 3 days outside of the rehab without using. All he would have had to do is walk out the door and within 15 minutes he could have found a fix, but he didn't decide to do that. He also talked about the possibility of going to a chem free house when he is discharged from rehab in February. Again, I encouraged him to talk to his counselor and weigh his options. I told him that I knew he would make the right choice when the time came.

During this conversation the words that I have seen written in various blogs came to mind. Don't offer solutions, don't lecture, don't give opinions, talk less and listen more. Thank you all for sharing what you have learned.

So for today my son is working on recovery for the first time. It is awesome to see the man that he can become without drugs. It is a blessing to see him confident in himself. For this day I am thankful!

Praying for yours and for mine.

No Expectations

I returned my son to rehab yesterday at 6 p.m.. We had a great holiday weekend! There were only a couple of tense moments. One when my son disappeared outside to our storage shed for a longer time than I thought was appropriate. I walked out and checked on him and he was looking through some old poetry and songs he had written. I just asked if he was okay and left him alone. The second was when his dad saw him on the computer on Facebook. This usually indicated that he was looking for drugs in the past. His dad stayed awake most of the night listening for front door to open and close.

Other than that it was a perfect weekend. My grandson was here  and he an his dad had a great time. My older son, daughter-in-law and daughter all greeted their brother with hugs and I Love You's and I am so happy you are here with us.

My son called last night after his drug test and said, "Mom! I passed a drug test without cheating!". The picture above is of my clear eyed son. I love him so much and I pray everyday that he will continue on the path of sobriety.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to you all!

The Holidays

I've read a couple of blogs written by moms who have son's living several states away and are wishing that they could see them during the holidays. My son is in rehab only 30 minutes from my house and he has been there for only 39 days. I have seen him every weekend since he has been there. We talk almost every night for 10 minutes. My son will get a pass to come home for Christmas from noon on Friday and he has to be back by 6 p.m. on the 25th.

I should feel blessed, right? I do feel blessed that he is in rehab. I feel blessed that when I visit I can see his eyes clear and sober. I feel blessed that he is committed to recovery today. I also feel scared and anxious that he is going to be in my house for that long. His son will be with him all day on Friday and most of the day on Christmas Eve. What worries me is what will happen during the next 24 hours before he returns to the rehab.

I guess I need to stop that line of thinking right now. I only have to do one day at a time and if I decide to only one hour at a time. It will be okay and if it isn't I have the tools I need to deal with it.

Sometimes you just have to see it in print! I feel better now. :-)

Praying for yours and for mine.

Emotion Filters

I've been working on my emotion filter for a while now. I have been trying to not let the emotion of other people influence me and how I go through each day. Some days are easier than others.

Something happened this weekend to make me really think about this. I went to visit my son at the rehab on Sunday. I had this weird feeling of anxiousness from the minute I walked in the door of the facility. I found myself watching the interactions between staff and the other families visiting in the room with us. I asked my son if something weird was going on there that day. He didn't know of anything and asked me why. I told him that I just "felt" something was going on. I told him that it was probably part of the curse of being co-dependent.

Probably not more than 5 minutes later all the male counselors were summoned to somewhere other than where we were. My son looked at me with wide eyes. I just grinned and said, "I told you". It was no big catastrophe. One of the residents got caught smoking and this is a tobacco free facility.

My son, grandson and I had a pretty good visit. When I carried my grandson into the hallway that leads to the visitation area he squealed and smiled. I think he knew we were going to see his daddy.

Praying for yours and for mine.

License Plates

I have about a 45 minute to an hour commute to work each morning. I spend some of that time contemplating why the traffic stopped so suddenly or planning what I need to get done at work.  Most of the time I am trying to determine the best way to continue to let go of things I have no control over. When my mind is not on those things I look at the personalized license plates and try to figure out what they mean.

I was multi tasking on the way to work on Monday. I was thinking about my son, his wife, his son and worrying about how they are going to manage through his treatment and their impending divorce. How I am going to deal with it if my daughter-in-law moves away with my grandson? What that will mean for my son and for me? I got frustrated with that and began looking at license plates. The first one I saw said "B LIEVE". It took me a minute to figure out what that was supposed to be. The next one I saw said "HE CAN". I just looked up at the cloudy sky and said, "Okay, God. I get it!". And once again turned it all over to him.

Just something I wanted to share with you. Look around and pay attention. You will find the comfort that you need.

Praying for yours and for mine!

30 Days

We were able to take my grandson to visit his dad again this weekend. It is a joy to see them together and to know that my son is really in the moment with him. They seem to shine when they are together.

My son called later that evening and he chatted with me a bit then I gave the phone to his dad. He seems to tell his dad more about his recovery than he does me but that is okay. He told his dad that he will have 30 days sober today! No cigarettes, no dope, no weed, no alcohol! I hadn't been counting the days. My husband said that he sounded really excited that he has been sober for that many days in a row.

When I spoke to him last night he told me that he called his wife to thank her for a picture of him and the baby that she gave me to take to him. He said that they were able to have a nice conversation. I am proud of him for reaching out to her. He wouldn't have had the confidence to do that sober 31 days ago.

He looks great and sounds positive. I pray everyday that he will continue to have the strength and courage to continue along this path for another day.

Praying for us all today.

You Just Never Know

I went to a luncheon today for work. A woman was there that I have known professionally for over 20 years. She is someone that I have always admired and respected and looked to for advice. She retired a few years ago and I rarely see her anymore. We are "friends" on Facebook and I have recently asked for prayers for my son on several occasions so she knew something was going on with him.

She approached me after the luncheon and asked how my son is doing. I told her that he is in rehab and seems to be committed to completing the 90 days. She asked if he was using drugs and I told her he was. With tears in her eyes she told me that her son is using drugs and that he needs to go to rehab but he isn't ready yet, he hasn't reached his bottom. She and her husband are trying to decide whether or not to make him leave their home. My heart aches for her. All those questions, all those doubts. I could see the worry and hurt in her eyes.

I never would have thought that this person would be dealing with an addicted child. You would think by now I wouldn't assume anything about anyone. I am sure there are people that would be shocked to know that I have a son who is an addict.

I told her to call me. I don't have the answers for her but I certainly can be sympathetic and can assure her that she is not alone in this battle and that there are support systems out there for her.

Please add her and her son to your prayers.

Letting Them Fall

I heard a young woman tell a story last night about her dad having a car accident with her and her sister in the car with him when she was about six. Her dad saw her door fly open and saw her falling out of the car and reached over to grab her by the legs, then realized that if he held onto her that her head and face would drag on the ground and she would possibly be run over by the car. So he let go of her. Everyone survived but what resonated with me is when she said, "My dad knew in order to save my life he had to let me fall." That brought instant tears to my eyes. How many ways can that be true in all of our lives as parents? How many times do we painfully watch our kids fall in order for them to learn how to get back up and move on to the next thing? All we can do sometimes is be there to hold them when they decide getting back up is better than lying there and wallowing in whatever it was that made them fall in the first place. We try to protect them and prevent them from getting hurt. We don't want to watch them fall but sometimes in order to save their lives we have to move out of the way and let it happen.

Praying for yours and for mine.

Pretty Cool

I took my grandson to visit his dad today. They haven't seen each other for three weeks. I'm really not sure if my son has seen his son through sober eyes more that a handful of times in the last 14 months, which is how long my grandson has been on this earth. I was both excited and anxious to see how the day would go.

It didn't start out well. My grandson has a cold and didn't sleep well last night and refused to take a nap before we left. He slept about 20 minutes on the way there. Usually he doesn't do well around strangers and the visitation room would be full of strangers.

I don't know if there is universal system within the world of rehab but at this particular one the loved ones of the person there must listen to a 5 minute talk about addiction and how we need to educate ourselves about addiction and how we aren't responsible for our loved one being there etc. That's fine, but a 14 month old could care less. He wiggled and squirmed and banged his toy on the table until I finally just put him on the floor. He took off toward the doorway leading to the rooms of the residents of the facility. I took off after him and before I got there I heard a big squeal and a laugh then a "Hi Dad!". My son was standing in the hall waiting for permission to come into the room. I grabbed my grandson and looked up to see my son with a huge smile on his face and tears in his SOBER eyes. A sight behold, I tell you!

My son took total responsibility for the baby for the next two hours. He played on the floor with him, took him to change his diaper, took him outside, and just followed him around if that is what needed to be done. I pretty much sat at the table and wished I could have brought a book in to read during the visit.

When it was time to leave my grandson clung to his dad for a minute and then let me take him. Thank goodness! I am sure I would have had a emotional breakdown if I had to pull him from his dad to put him in the car.

Today I am so proud of the man my son is trying to become. I pray that he will find the strength to continue on the path that he is on today again tomorrow.

Praying for you, yours and mine.

Phone Calls

The last few phone calls with my son have been more positive than the first couple. When he was first admitted to this rehab he would call and really not say much unless asked a specific question. We can only talk for 10 minutes at a time and the first phone calls lasted much less than that.

This week he is giving more information about what he does each day and seems interested to hear what is going on at home. He and his dad have had some good conversations about their relationship. Which if I described it as tumultuous I would be generous. I have heard some acceptance of apologies and I have heard my husband do some apologizing. I know they have a long way to go. The gift of forgiveness is not something they have learned....yet.