Working it!

My grandson's mother called last night and we talked about me keeping him some this weekend. That makes my heart happy. She also told me that she is thinking that she might have to file a restraining order against my son. Apparently he was drunk/high on Sunday (remember when I didn't take his call?) and told a mutual friend of theirs that she should never let him visit with the baby unsupervised because my son had a melt down in front of the friend. He told the friend that it was good that we never left him alone with the baby because he would probably just f@#% him up. I took that to mean emotionally but the grandson's mother didn't know how to take it. She is afraid that my son my approach her and the baby when they are out in public and she doesn't know how to handle it. It is obvious that my son is not in a sober state right  now and it is scary. I of course will support whatever she decides to do to keep the grandson safe. That is my primary concern right now.

After that conversation I went and dug out all my recovery meditation materials and started reading. I need constant reminders lately that I am not the only person to go through this with a child and that there is hope for serenity and peace. For me and for my son. I also need to be reminded that the only recovery that I can be responsible for is my own. I feel blessed to have some wonderful moms that read my blog and encourage me. I feel "loved up" every time I read their responses. I can love my son but I know that I can't fix him. I have tried for 7 years to fix him and I haven't done it yet. Time to let go and let God.

For today I will work to let go of my negative thoughts, Yaya referred to it as "stinking thinking", and focus on the beauty around me. I will be happy that my son is alive and I will lean on my higher power and trust that she will watch over me and my son and that there is a plan for both of us and it will unfold in its own time.

Peace to us all.

When does the serenity stuff start?

We had a nice quiet weekend as planned. Until last night when my son called. I didn't answer the phone but I did text back asking him not to call because I am not ready to speak to him. He sent me a text back asking me not to help take his baby away from him. I told him that he is the one causing that to happen because of his refusal to accept that drugs are causing problems in his life. He never responded.

This morning I feel highly anxious wondering if I have done the right thing by refusing contact with him. Everything I read backs my decision up. Do we ever get to quit second guessing ourselves? I keep waiting for complete peace and serenity to wash over me. I know enough about the Al-Anon steps to know that this doesn't happen until near the end of the 12 steps. What do we do in the mean time? I think I got the first step. I know I cannot control the addict or his use. Is refusing contact another way of trying to control his behavior?

I used to consider myself to be a fairly intelligent person. Lately I feel like I should be sitting in the corner with a dunce cap on.

This is hard work.....

I am asking for all my fellow POAs to keep me in your prayers. I told my son that he was not welcome in my home until he gets in recovery. I wrote a letter that probably said it better than I did verbally but he refused to take it from me. He denied that he has a problem, he yelled, cursed, cried then walked away. He called and left a pitiful voice message. Blamed me for taking his son from him because he can't visit with him at my house. He threatened to come and take him from me and that there was nothing I could do to stop him. So, I contacted my grandson's mom and told her that I didn't feel safe with the baby at my house this weekend. She agreed. I am feeling pretty beat up this morning but peaceful and relieved all at the same tme.

Timing

I think it has happened to me. I have been reading blogs about addicts not getting  to the quitting point until they get tired of doing what they have been doing for so long. I think I am tired of doing what I have been doing for so long as the mother of an addict. I really don't want him in my life anymore if  he is using. What led to this? He was given a bonus weekend with his 11 month old son and he blew it.

My grandson's mom will only let them visit in my home and only if I am here to supervise and while I think that is a good idea, I am really getting tired of the responsibility. There is no legal paperwork that says I have the say about where the baby goes and with whom while he is at my house. I know that his dad could walk out with him at any time and that there is nothing I can do about it. There is no divorce and no custody arrangements.

I didn't hear from my son all week last week. On Thursday I sent him a text to see if he needed a ride to my house. I work less than a mile from his apartment. My house is 26 miles away from there. He said that he had to work on Friday night. Had a chance to make $150. Okay. I pick the baby  up anyway and bring him to my house. On Saturday my son called and said that his ride wigged out on him and he couldn't get here until Sunday morning. Okay. We had a great time with the grandson without him. On Sunday he arrived at 2:30, high and with some woman and her 4 month old daughter. He couldn't put a sentence together, kept going to sleep and he had those eyes. Pin point pupils. He said he was just tired. I put up with it for about an hour then told him it was time for him to go home. The woman and her baby left without him. I took him back to his apartment just to get him gone and I didn't want him making a scene in front of the baby. He sat in the back seat with the baby and slept the whole way. The baby kept pulling on his dad's shirt saying "da" "da". I wanted to push my son out on the side of the road and just leave him.  I couldn't get my son out of my car fast enough. When we got to the apartment he proceeded to tell me how I embarrassed him in front of his friend and that if I cared at all I would apologize. Then he tried to kiss his son good bye and the baby pulled away from him. He said that the baby was acting like he didn't like him. I told him that his son is probably mad at him for bringing another baby into the house. I know, I know you can't reason with someone who is high. I was just so angry and still am.

I am there. I don't know what this is going to mean in the long run but I don't want to see this any more and I don't want my grandson to see it all. It breaks my heart......some more.

Peaceful

This weekend was different from my weekends in the recent past. I got so much accomplished at my house. After several weeks and weekends of chaos and sickness I finally had some energy to tackle some organizing and cleaning projects that I have wanted to take care of for awhile. One thing that was really bothering me was that the room that my son and his soon to be ex-wife shared while they lived with us needed to be cleared out. They have been living separately since February and he has been out of my house since June. I finally boxed everything up and put it in the storage shed. I don't know why but that gave me such a feeling of closure on that part of our history. The rest of my house is clean and organized as well. Well, except for my daughter's room but I can just shut her door.

Sunday afternoon was spent in the pool on a float just doing nothing. It occurred to me that it has been a long, long time since I have allowed myself that luxury. No where to go, no one to call, nothing that had to be tended to. I truly forgot what that felt like. I have spent so much time and energy on my son and trying to manage his addiction I feel like I have lost part of myself. Just to have those couple of hours floating in the pool helped me to realize that I need to focus that energy on taking better care of myself and doing the things that help me to feel healthy and peace filled and to not feel guilty while doing those things.

May we all have a peace filled day.

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand. - Randy Pausch

This quote rings very true to me in so many ways today. I think I need to slow down and re-think how I want to play the cards that have been dealt to me. I can either fold and continue the same ole way or be more deliberate in my decision making in deciding which cards to let go of. Hmmm!

yaya really said some important things to me today. I really need to do some soul searching and decide how I want to live the rest of my life knowing that my son is an addict and will always be an addict. How can I begin to undo MY patterns of behavior and start living a healthier life for myself. Is it safer for me jump from the moving crazy train that I am on or continue to ride it knowing that eventually it will de-rail?

I think I know those answers for myself. Accepting that they are correct might be harder to get to.

Can't even be sick without interuption!

I have pretty much been on the couch or in bed since Saturday afternoon. I went to the doc yesterday and started an antibiotic and feel better today. My morning started like this....text "Mom, I need that $50 you are holding for me. My electric bill is due today and if I don't pay it I have to pay a reinstatement fee and I can't do that until the 20th." me "No, I am at home sick. I can't get it to  you but I will see if Dad can. Do you have the money except for the $50".....I knew better than to ask....."No, I am $32 short."...."Well, we told you we would help with the deposit and part of that is the deposit. I guess we will cover the $32." ...."Cool, could you just pay it on line for me?"...."Not until I know you have the cash to cover it."....."Mom, I swear I am telling the truth!".....Yeah, like he swore to Jesus that he didn't steal my debit card two weekends ago. "No, unless I know there is cash I can't help you. I'll call Dad and have him come by and take you to pay the bill if you have the cash."  I was really proud of myself for insisting that he have some money to pay it and not trusting him and paying it on line for him.

My husband swore no contact with my son after he stole from us AGAIN so I hated to even ask but I really did not feel like driving 30 miles to where my son lives and where my husband and I both work to deal with this today. So, because he knew  how sick I have been he agreed to do that for me.

GUESS WHAT!!!! The son was was $52 dollars short not $32. My husband went ahead and paid it. I texted my son and said I was glad that he still had electricity and that I hoped he had enough pay check on the 20th to pay rent. He said he hoped so too and that right now he doesn't have enough to eat. he just got paid on Friday. He should have had enough to pay all his electric bill, pay child support and buy groceries AND put some away for rent. I reminded him that you pay bills first and  have fun after and the he chose not to eat until next payday. And since he stole from us we can't help anymore than we did today. (and we probably should not have done that) He works at a deli so I know he gets breakfast and lunch for free. He won't starve. He will be here to visit his son tomorrow. So he will eat then. We agreed that it is important enough to us that he sees his son that we will let him do that even though he stole from us the last time. We will have set more limits (that he will likely push).

Does this ever end? I pray that it does in a positive way eventually. I know that I could just close him out of my life but I guess that I am not there yet. I don't know how many times I can let him lie and steal from me before I just say, "NO MORE!" Moma is sick (literally) and tired!

Having a Moment

My husband said he was having a Z  moment, meaning that he was worried and wondering about our son.  I have those moments at least 15 times a day. This is the first week in a long time that I have gone without actually speaking to him. We finally talked by text a couple of times. I worried for a little while that he doesn't have a way to wash his clothes....should I go by and pick them up and wash them for him? Then I worried that  he may not have food in his apartment. Should I forget that he stole $100 from me last weekend and call to be sure he has food? He hasn't seen his son in a week, should I relent and make it possible for him to see him. He got paid on Friday, should I call to remind him to put some of that away to pay his rent?

I wish I knew all the "right" answers.

It is About Time!

Getting ready to do something I haven't done in awhile. My husband and I are going out of town over night.....at the same time. The codes are changed on the locks, our bags are packed, my daughter will spend the night with a friend and the puppies are in a safe place. Here's to a relaxing evening. Crank up the AC in the hotel room, turn off the cell phone and have a good nights sleep.

I hope I didn't just jinx the whole trip!

:-)

No News Isn't Necessarily Good News

I typically hear from my son at least once or twice a day by text even when I ask him not to. He hasn't attempted to contact me since Sunday when we asked him to leave after stealing my debit card. I haven't tried to call him. On my way home from work yesterday we caught a glimpse of him in the window of the deli where he works. So, we know he went to work. His sister saw him at a music event last night and said he appeared to be drunk or high and was being obnoxious. When she told me I just said, "That's really sad." He helped book the show and did a lot of grass roots PR to get folks there. I hope he didn't burn bridges with his behavior. Like all of our addicts he has so much potential. It is really very sad.

No Title - I am not that creative this morning

I took my grandson to his mother this morning before coming to work. I forgot how much fun it is to get ready for work with a baby on my hip! We had to take a bottle break and watch NickJr about half-way through. He is such a sweet baby that I really did not mind it a bit.

I told her about my son stealing my debit card. Her first response was, "I hope he is not using again". I told her that I thought he was but we didn't go any further with it. We talked about visits with the baby at my home and she is fine with him coming on his dad's regular weekend whether his dad is there or not. She wants him to have a connection to his grandparents and she said that she trusts my judgement as to whether my son should be in the house or not. I am so glad that I took the time to maintain my relationship with her after she made the choice to leave him.

I haven't spoken to my son since we asked him to leave on Sunday. It was just very uncomfortable to have him there after his behavior on Saturday. I really don't think that he understood why anyone should be uncomfortable. He even invited his new female friend to come over, in spite of our direction that she was not to be there when his son was there. It was kind of like an extra jab.

Oh well, today is another day. I manged to get to work without graham cracker crumbs on my shirt and I don't think I have spit up anywhere. If I do that is okay. It will all come out in the wash.

Have a great week! I appreciate all of you that comment and offer your support. It certainly makes me feel less lonely and less crazy in this wicked world of addiction.

Terri