Looking forward

I'm still here. The holiday was a little tougher than I anticipated. This was the first Christmas in 25 years that I didn't get to at least see my son. We spoke to him on the phone on Christmas Eve. He talked to his son for a minute. My grandson asked his dad, "What is your name?" That was a punch in the stomach for me. My grandson is only 3 and it has been 3 months since he has seen his dad and it will be another month at least before he will see him again. That is a very long time for a little boy.

Everyone says that he is too little to remember all this but I'm not so sure. On Christmas day the grandson seemed a little lost and sad. I think part of him knows that his dad is supposed to be there. It breaks my heart for both of them.

My crazy in-laws were there and complicated things. They divorced after 51 years of marriage last year. The father-in-law recently moved back in with the mother-in-law. Every time she got me away from the rest of the family she wanted to complain about him. At one point I put my hand on her shoulder and simply said, "So, nothing has changed has it?" and walked away.

Other than those things the rest of the holiday went well. I enjoyed watching the grands open their presents from Santa. My daughter got to spend some quality time with her big brother after the rest of us went to bed on Christmas Eve. She said that his was the best Christmas she has had in a long time and thanked us for it. I know it was more than the gifts and that means a lot.

I resigned my job and the 31st will be my last day. It is a little scary but it is time for me to move on. In addition to the family issues I have been working on (not dealing with, I'm changing the way I think about this) I have a supervisor who can't be pleased. If I take her own words and put them in a report she finds error. I have worked too long in this field to have to put up with that. Anyway, I am relieved to start a new year without worrying about coming back to this desk. I'll find something else soon. My husband is very supportive and is encouraging me to view the time off as a vacation and as a time to re energized and find my balance. Wouldn't that be nice? To feel balanced again?

Anyway, I hope you all got through the holidays with no blips.

Here are a couple of pictures of my grand babies on Christmas. They make me smile and I hope they make you smile as well.

Different Pages

Dad and I are dealing with our son's incarceration in different ways. Dad wants to disown him, not take phone calls, not go see him, never allow him back in our home ever. He is angry that I am not there and can't understand why I have taken phone calls from him. He can't understand why I would even want to speak to him period.

I can't just throw my son away. I'm not doing anything to enable his addiction. I have just talked to him a couple of times. I am concerned. There have been no deposits to his "book". I haven't been to visit and I have only written one letter.

I don't understand. Maybe I do, maybe Dad is just protecting himself.

I hate feeling this way.

My Letter

I waited until after the Thanksgiving holiday to write my son back. I forgot to mention that he specified an amount that I should put on his books. Usually when he specifies an amount for anything he already has something on is mind.

I told him that we love him so much. We aren't surprised that he is where he is at. I shared that I have learned from other POAs that and addict will eventually end up in jail or dead and that I have been preparing myself to hear both about him for years. I told him that I am very happy that I got the phone call that he is in jail and that I didn't have to open the door for a police officer to tell me he had died from overdose, accident or had been murdered.

He had indicated that the conditions there were not bad but weren't great either in his letter to us. I pointed out that he is not on vacation, he is in jail because he committed a crime and living in less than ideal conditions is part of the consequence.

I repeated something that I have told him numerous times, that drugs have controlled his life for years now. During that time he has lost a marriage, contact with his son, a relationship with his family, jobs, homes, money, belongings and now his freedom.

I listed the things that he asked for in his letter and gave my response to those requests.

1. Phone card - If he needs to contact someone other than us, then that person can provide a phone card for that purpose. He may call us collect one time a week.

2. Paper, envelops and stamps - I will provide a couple of pieces of paper and a stamped envelop when I write him. He can use those to write whomever he pleases.

3. Money on his book - I pay for his son's daycare, give the son's mom money because he doesn't pay child support and I have to pay his utility bill because it is in my name. I don't have the money to put on his book.

4. Socks - If he needs them I will see if I can drop the ones he already has off at the jail.

He also needs to know that after December he will no longer have an apartment so he needs to plan for a place to stay when he gets out of jail in January.

I repeated that I love him so, so much but that I don't like the person that drugs have made him and that person is not someone that I would pick to associate with. I told him that I have hope that he will find his way.

Even reading back over this it feels harsh. I have never drawn such a straight line in the sand with him before. I just feel like this is the right thing to do at the right time. I just pray that it is so.

Take care everyone.

His Letter

My son sent a note to he father and me. It basically told us the same thing that he told me during our phone conversation last week. He told us that he was safe for and that he is tired of running and was going to deal with the hand he has been dealt.

He also gave us a list of things that we can provide or send to him. We could put money on his book, send him a phone card, send him paper and stamped envelopes. He has no socks so that would be nice too. Geez Louise!

I am going to write back today and tell him that I am not going to send a phone card but that I will allow one collect call to us a week. I don't feel like I want to give him a phone card so that he can call the people he has been using with. He can have one of them to send him a phone card if they want to talk to him.

I will also tell him that I will include a couple of pieces of paper and a stamped envelope with each letter that I mail to him. Again, I don't feel obligated to provide a way for him to contact his friends.

He needs socks! I couldn't begin to count the number of times that I have replaced socks that he lost or left behind somewhere. I'll go to his apartment gather up what is there and take them to the jail.

Money on his book, why? I am taking care of his son's financial needs. I don't begrudge that for my grandson at all but I don't feel obligated to meet my son's financial needs.

He got himself in this mess. I really, really don't feel like I need to do anything at this point. He's uncomfortable, GOOD! He needs to feel it.

The holidays went well. We spent a lot of time with the grandbabies and  spent time with my family.

It was strange at my parents home. No on asked about my son except my mom. She just wanted to know if we had heard from him. I assumed that everyone knew what was going on and just wanted to ignore it. That was fine with me. I didn't want to talk about it.

We are preparing for Christmas now. What better way to start than with a holiday photo shoot with the granddaughter! I love taking pictures and like trying new things. I had a more fun taking the pictures that Miss Emmy had I am sure. These things make me smile! I am thankful that this little girl has a mommy and daddy who are sober and who make her the center of their lives.

"Guess where I am at?"

I finally answered the phone yesterday and this is how I was greeted. I calmly responded that we knew he was in jail and why. He couldn't understand how we found out. I said, "It was in the paper".

He was silent for a breath. He said he got tired of running. My smart mouth said, "Well, I heard you got tackled and had no choice but stop". I know he meant something different. I probably should have kept my mouth shut.

He is in for 30 days on an old warrant. One I knew nothing about but am not a bit surprised. His court date on the new charge is not until January 21st. Unless he bonds out. I told him that we would not bond him out. He said his prepared to just be there until he is released. He informed me that he will not be home for Thanksgiving or Christmas. I sort of already had that much figured out.

He still has a warrant in a near by city for unpaid fines. I don't know how that works....will they check for other warrants before they release him? If not I may suggest he turn himself in and just get it over.

When he gets out he will have no apartment and no job. He will be homeless again. I hope he will work on something for when he gets out. He said that he wrote me a letter and asked that I write him back. I will let him know that we won't pay his rent while he is in there and that I will go talk to the landlord about releasing both of us from the lease.

I guess I will be the one to go clean out the apartment. I can only imagine what I will find. I'll plan to take a bunch of black trash bags and just load most of it into those. The only thing of value he has there is the microwave that I bought him (if it is still there) but even that is not worth much.

I learned a valuable lesson from this. I won't ever put my  name on a lease or utilities with him again. Well, I won't say never but the situation will need to be totally different than it was this time. I'll go with my gut instead of my heart.

He said that he is safe and he just wants to get all this over with. I hope he means everything, drugs, the drug life style the whole thing.

Today I am thankful. I am thankful that I will spend the holidays with my family of origin along with my husband, other two children, my daughter-in-law and my grandchildren. I am thankful that my son is not out on the street and that I won't wonder all day tomorrow if he has food to eat and whether he is cold and lonely. I am thankful that for today he is alive and that there is still hope that he will find his way to the right path.

Happy Thanksgiving to you all!!! No matter how bad things are with your addicted child remember that if they are alive today be thankful and be hopeful that tomorrow could be the day they turn around.

There isn't an instruction book for this

I am a little confounded. I'm not sure how I am "supposed" to feel right now. My son has been in jail for 3 days now. We haven't heard from him so he probably doesn't know we know where he is.

He has been in city jail before in our small community. This was because I pushed the issue. He was on probation for threatening a former girlfriend and he was not keeping his probation appointments and not paying fines or doing his community service work. The reason he wasn't doing these things is because he was staying high. He was selling his stuff to get money to buy drugs. I did what  a lot of us POAs do. I manipulated the situation and shamed the probation officer and convinced him that my son needed to learn a lesson. He was picked up and spent 6 days in city jail. That happened 5 years ago. Did my manipulation cause any changes in my son? Nope!

He has never been in the jail of the largest county jail in our state with a very diverse population. I don't know how he has avoided it, I really don't. I know he has been doing illegal things for most of the time he has lived there.

I don't really want to talk to him. That is my choice. I don't want to hear him whine and beg. This is his to deal with. Not mine.

I don't feel sad about him missing the holiday. He may have been with us during the holidays in the past but he wasn't really present. We have had to be on guard the whole time he was with us. Watching our belongings, watching him to see if he looked high, watching him with his son to make sure nothing bad happened because he was high. Actually, I am relieved that he won't be with us. Does that make me a bad mom?

I don't feel guilt because he is in jail. He put himself there, I didn't have a thing to do with it. I was miles away safely asleep in my own bed when he decided to rob that young woman. I have no desire, have not had one thought about posting his bond.

I do feel terribly sad that he continues down the path of self-destruction. I hope that he thinks about how he got to where he is at and decides to make some changes.

Well, as the saying goes, "Where there is life there is hope".

He finally got caught

It was bound to happen sooner or later. My son was arrested last night for robbery.

My daughter got a facebook message from one of my son's friends. The friend asked if she had heard what had happened to her brother. She called me to see if I knew but I hadn't heard anything at that point. My mind went to some of the worst case scenarios. He had cheated someone and gotten beaten up, he got high and mouthed off and got beaten up, he overdosed, etc. etc. etc. My husband I were making plans to go to his apartment after work to check on him.

My husband checked online for recent local arrests and there he was, mug shot and all. I think my husband does this routinely when we aren't sure what's up with our son.

He was pretending to be lost and was asking for directions through the window of a car. I guess the passenger was a female and he reached in a took her purse and took off running. Another passenger jumped out and tackled him and held him until the police got there. After running his ID they found out he had another warrant out for his arrest. I am guessing that one is for unpaid fines in another city. I could be wrong about that. There may be others I don't know anything about.

His bond is $35,000. We won't be going to a bail bondsman to get him out. I am relieved that he is there for now. I know he will have something to eat, a place to sleep, and maybe a minute to clear his head. I don't know what will happen next but it will be up to him to figure that out.

Hope you all have a peaceful weekend.