I have decided that I will not answer unknown phone numbers. We didn't reactivate my son's phone after he got out of rehab. Now I have many numbers that he has called from in the past 8 days. This proves that if he wants to make a call he can get access to a phone.
This morning my phone started ringing and I just had a feeling that it was him. I didn't answer it and he left a voice message telling me that he has a place to stay until he "gets on his feet" and that he has no explanation for the recent turn of events but that he is sorry and he loves me. Oh, and to tell his son that he loves him when I see him.
I am glad that I didn't talk to him. I'm feeling better this morning but I am not ready to deal with him. He sounded sober but who knows? Isn't funny that we know what "sounding sober" is! LOL
If I do talk to him at some point I will let him know what my new rule is. I will tell him that he can leave a message and give me the choice whether to call him back or not.
My oldest son was so ratteld by yesterday that he we asked him to spend the evening with us. His wife was out of town. We had some pretty frank conversations. He loves his brother but he understands that he can't help him. It was really good to have him here with us.
I slept off and on all day yesterday and 12.5 hours last night. I don't know if it is because of this bug that I have or stress. Maybe a combo of the both?
Thank you for all of your supportive comments. I REALLY am not sure I would be doing as well as I am without you. I read about those of you that have kids in recovery and that helps me to retain hope. When I read about all of you living daily with the knowledge that your kids are in active addiction and how you cope and read the comments that we leave for each other, that gives me strength to move forward in my recovery.
Happy Saturday!
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Friday, February 24, 2012
Friday Morning Wake Up Call
My phone rang at 5 a.m. this morning....guess who? "Mom, I'm in jail". Surprise!
He said that he was arrested because the girl he was with was driving drunk. He said he needed me to come and get him. I told him that I would not come and get him and he began to get very upset saying that he had tried to kill himself while he was there. I told him that it sounded like he needed to be a hospital more than he needed to be in my car headed to my house. He began to cry and plead and I just hung up and turned off my phone and went back to sleep.
Later I learned that he had called his older brother to come and get him. I have tried to protect my older son and daughter-in-law from most of the crap that we deal with. This is the first time he has be on the "front line" with his little brother. I don't think he will but himself out there again. My older son took his brother to his home and gave him a place to sleep. The thanks that my older son and his wife got was that my addicted son stole money and credit cards from my son's wife's purse. He was too out of it and passed out holding the cards and money.
The plan my son had was to take his brother to work with him and then let him stay with them a couple of days with them. That didn't work out. My younger son was disrespectful to his brother and he asked him to get out of the car then he called the cops to let them know that he was making suicide threats.
My mother-in-law received a phone call too.
It was a very drama filled day but I missed out on most of it because I have been in bed sick all day. I am only hearing the report from other people. I refused to let myself get worked up. I saw this coming a mile away.
He now has an order to appear in court for the public drunkenness charge. Who wants to take bets on whether he shows or not?
What a week! Looking forward to the weekend. Hope I feel better tomorrow.
He said that he was arrested because the girl he was with was driving drunk. He said he needed me to come and get him. I told him that I would not come and get him and he began to get very upset saying that he had tried to kill himself while he was there. I told him that it sounded like he needed to be a hospital more than he needed to be in my car headed to my house. He began to cry and plead and I just hung up and turned off my phone and went back to sleep.
Later I learned that he had called his older brother to come and get him. I have tried to protect my older son and daughter-in-law from most of the crap that we deal with. This is the first time he has be on the "front line" with his little brother. I don't think he will but himself out there again. My older son took his brother to his home and gave him a place to sleep. The thanks that my older son and his wife got was that my addicted son stole money and credit cards from my son's wife's purse. He was too out of it and passed out holding the cards and money.
The plan my son had was to take his brother to work with him and then let him stay with them a couple of days with them. That didn't work out. My younger son was disrespectful to his brother and he asked him to get out of the car then he called the cops to let them know that he was making suicide threats.
My mother-in-law received a phone call too.
It was a very drama filled day but I missed out on most of it because I have been in bed sick all day. I am only hearing the report from other people. I refused to let myself get worked up. I saw this coming a mile away.
He now has an order to appear in court for the public drunkenness charge. Who wants to take bets on whether he shows or not?
What a week! Looking forward to the weekend. Hope I feel better tomorrow.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Extended Family
Everyone has their opinion about things. Those opinions are based on their view of the world, their belief system and how much knowledge they have about a topic. I know before I was immersed into the world of addiction through my son I had certain opinions about all that myself.
That is why I don't get overly frustrated at my extended family for not understanding where I am at emotionally with my son right now. I haven't seen him in a full week. I have only spoken to him a couple of times and every time he has been demanding and rude. Needless to say, those have been very short conversations.
His son got sick this weekend and ended up in the ER twice. I told my son at 11:30 Sunday morning that they were going and what the symptoms were. He never called to find out what happened but he did call on Tuesday wanting someone to come and pick him up and bring him to our house on Wednesday. Not one time did he ask about his son! He spoke to his dad about the ride and his dad told him if he was outside his office building by 5 he could have a ride. He would have to walk to get there. We both told him that we aren't rescheduling our lives to accommodate him anymore. Needless to say he didn't walk the 7 miles to get there. He called me at 5:30 and asked if I would pick him up today. I said that he would need to call me and let me know where he was. It is almost time for me to leave and he hasn't called. I'm not sad about that.
Anyway, the grandson ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. It was so pitiful to see him hooked up to IV's and oxygen. He stayed overnight on Monday and was released on Tuesday afternoon and is now on the way to being a happy, active little 17 month old.
I know this a rambling post and I apologize to anyone that may be reading it. My point is that I am so disgusted with my son that I don't want to talk to anyone about him. I am tired of him being the topic of conversation all the time, tired of the drama, tired of it all. My mom and sisters asked if I told my son that the grandson was in the hospital. I told them that I hadn't because I don't know where he is, who he is with, or what he has been doing. The last thing anyone needed was for him to show up at the hospital high. It was stressful enough. He was supposed to be at my house visiting the baby and chose not to be. If he had been where he was supposed to be he would have known what was going on.
My mom called this morning to check on the baby and asked about my son today. I told her that I had heard from him but that I really rather not talk about him. I told her that I love my son but I really, really, don't like him at all and that I don't have the time or energy to spend worrying about him. Her response was, "Welllll".
What concerns me right now is that he will just show up at my house thinking everything is cool and that we will welcome him back and not say a thing. Every time I check my comments the first thing I see is Helga's response to my last post, "Your home is not a FLOP HOUSE!" I think I am going to take the Home Sweet Home sampler down and put one up that says MY HOME IS NOT A FLOP HOUSE! If I knew how to embroider. LOL
Anyway, sorry for a long rambling post that probably doesn't make a lot of sense but I feel better! Tonight my husband and I are going out to hear James McMurtry play...on a school night no less!
Praying for us all! Trying to keep hope in my heart.
That is why I don't get overly frustrated at my extended family for not understanding where I am at emotionally with my son right now. I haven't seen him in a full week. I have only spoken to him a couple of times and every time he has been demanding and rude. Needless to say, those have been very short conversations.
His son got sick this weekend and ended up in the ER twice. I told my son at 11:30 Sunday morning that they were going and what the symptoms were. He never called to find out what happened but he did call on Tuesday wanting someone to come and pick him up and bring him to our house on Wednesday. Not one time did he ask about his son! He spoke to his dad about the ride and his dad told him if he was outside his office building by 5 he could have a ride. He would have to walk to get there. We both told him that we aren't rescheduling our lives to accommodate him anymore. Needless to say he didn't walk the 7 miles to get there. He called me at 5:30 and asked if I would pick him up today. I said that he would need to call me and let me know where he was. It is almost time for me to leave and he hasn't called. I'm not sad about that.
Anyway, the grandson ended up in the hospital with pneumonia. It was so pitiful to see him hooked up to IV's and oxygen. He stayed overnight on Monday and was released on Tuesday afternoon and is now on the way to being a happy, active little 17 month old.
I know this a rambling post and I apologize to anyone that may be reading it. My point is that I am so disgusted with my son that I don't want to talk to anyone about him. I am tired of him being the topic of conversation all the time, tired of the drama, tired of it all. My mom and sisters asked if I told my son that the grandson was in the hospital. I told them that I hadn't because I don't know where he is, who he is with, or what he has been doing. The last thing anyone needed was for him to show up at the hospital high. It was stressful enough. He was supposed to be at my house visiting the baby and chose not to be. If he had been where he was supposed to be he would have known what was going on.
My mom called this morning to check on the baby and asked about my son today. I told her that I had heard from him but that I really rather not talk about him. I told her that I love my son but I really, really, don't like him at all and that I don't have the time or energy to spend worrying about him. Her response was, "Welllll".
What concerns me right now is that he will just show up at my house thinking everything is cool and that we will welcome him back and not say a thing. Every time I check my comments the first thing I see is Helga's response to my last post, "Your home is not a FLOP HOUSE!" I think I am going to take the Home Sweet Home sampler down and put one up that says MY HOME IS NOT A FLOP HOUSE! If I knew how to embroider. LOL
Anyway, sorry for a long rambling post that probably doesn't make a lot of sense but I feel better! Tonight my husband and I are going out to hear James McMurtry play...on a school night no less!
Praying for us all! Trying to keep hope in my heart.
Friday, February 17, 2012
Here is where we are again!!!!!
Okay, so his fling from rehab came into town. They have been shacked up in a "no tell motel" since yesterday. His son is here with me tonight and I am totally fine with that but it makes me sad that his dad picks a woman over him......but I am letting that go. Grandson and I had an awesome evening and we will have an awesome tomorrow before I take him back to his mom tomorrow afternoon.
It is time to let him go......again. I have to remind myself that I don't owe him a damn thing at this point. He has rejected everything that we have offered. Mom is DONE!
My grandson fell asleep on my lap, I can hear him in the next room snoring. There is no better feeling than that!
Peace to everyone.
It is time to let him go......again. I have to remind myself that I don't owe him a damn thing at this point. He has rejected everything that we have offered. Mom is DONE!
My grandson fell asleep on my lap, I can hear him in the next room snoring. There is no better feeling than that!
Peace to everyone.
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Anxiety
I can see my son getting more and more depressed and anxious. I am working hard not to absorb any of that from him. He asked his son's mom if he could keep the baby Sunday afternoon and Sunday night then promptly passed the responsibility to me because he needed a nap, then he needed to go to bed early. Some of those old feelings are nagging me right now. We promised a drug test and I am thinking that it might be time for one.
The rules for living in our home are very simple to understand. You get food and a warm place to sleep as long as your follow just a few guidelines.
1. Don't use drugs
2. Don't drink
3. Don't ask for money
4.Look for a job
5. Keep your body clean
6. Keep your room clean
7. Pick up after yourself
8. Take responsibility for the baby when he is there
9. No visitors at our home
10. Be respectful to the others in the home by not taking their stuff without permission, observing quiet times and speaking with a respectful tone.
Pretty much in that order. He has not asked for money, other than sleeping all the time there has been no indication of drug use. He is not doing so well in the other departments.
I have told him that we don't live well together. He is going to have to leave soon I can feel it coming. At least I entered this situation with my eyes open this time.
But for today, at this moment, I am looking forward to going out to eat with my husband. It is not only Valentine's Day but it is also half price pizza night at our favorite place! :-)
The rules for living in our home are very simple to understand. You get food and a warm place to sleep as long as your follow just a few guidelines.
1. Don't use drugs
2. Don't drink
3. Don't ask for money
4.Look for a job
5. Keep your body clean
6. Keep your room clean
7. Pick up after yourself
8. Take responsibility for the baby when he is there
9. No visitors at our home
10. Be respectful to the others in the home by not taking their stuff without permission, observing quiet times and speaking with a respectful tone.
Pretty much in that order. He has not asked for money, other than sleeping all the time there has been no indication of drug use. He is not doing so well in the other departments.
I have told him that we don't live well together. He is going to have to leave soon I can feel it coming. At least I entered this situation with my eyes open this time.
But for today, at this moment, I am looking forward to going out to eat with my husband. It is not only Valentine's Day but it is also half price pizza night at our favorite place! :-)
Friday, February 10, 2012
Week Three
My son has been in our home for a little over 3 weeks now. He hasn't left the house other to go with us to visit family and outside to smoke. As far as I know he is only talking to a couple of people from rehab and his baby's mom (who is actually still his wife). He is really not doing anything but eating and sleeping at the moment.
He came and sat on the end of my bed one evening when we were at home alone. He apologized for hurting me when he was using. Then he launched into the story of how he started using opiates, when he used a needle the first time and what triggered the last two years of chaos. He started abusing opiates after he had surgery on his wrist. He was prescribed pain medication but I monitored that very closely, he was 15 when this happened. An adult neighbor offered him some Oxycontin around this same time and he said he was instantly in love with that high. That was the beginning. This same neighbor ran a construction business in addition to his drug selling business. He let my son work for him in exchange for oxy. Makes my head spin to think about it. My son said the first thing he shot up was meth and coke but he preferred opiates.
As a result of the injury that made the surgery necessary my son was awarded an insurance settlement. This was to be used for college. He was receiving a $3,000 check every six months starting when he turned 18. He did use a couple of those checks for college expenses, the rest have been used for drugs. He recieved his last check in December of 2010. That is when things really started going downhill fast. He spent about $2500 in 6 weeks. He and his wife and baby were living with us at the time. This is also about the time he started stealing from us. His wife and baby moved out in February of 2011. Almost exactly one year ago now.
I let him know that as far as I am concerned there is no anger and I have pretty much let the past go. I am only concerned for what he manages to do today.
Some todays are easier to stay in than others. I have to work at it all the time.
He came and sat on the end of my bed one evening when we were at home alone. He apologized for hurting me when he was using. Then he launched into the story of how he started using opiates, when he used a needle the first time and what triggered the last two years of chaos. He started abusing opiates after he had surgery on his wrist. He was prescribed pain medication but I monitored that very closely, he was 15 when this happened. An adult neighbor offered him some Oxycontin around this same time and he said he was instantly in love with that high. That was the beginning. This same neighbor ran a construction business in addition to his drug selling business. He let my son work for him in exchange for oxy. Makes my head spin to think about it. My son said the first thing he shot up was meth and coke but he preferred opiates.
As a result of the injury that made the surgery necessary my son was awarded an insurance settlement. This was to be used for college. He was receiving a $3,000 check every six months starting when he turned 18. He did use a couple of those checks for college expenses, the rest have been used for drugs. He recieved his last check in December of 2010. That is when things really started going downhill fast. He spent about $2500 in 6 weeks. He and his wife and baby were living with us at the time. This is also about the time he started stealing from us. His wife and baby moved out in February of 2011. Almost exactly one year ago now.
I let him know that as far as I am concerned there is no anger and I have pretty much let the past go. I am only concerned for what he manages to do today.
Some todays are easier to stay in than others. I have to work at it all the time.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Enjoying Now
I really try to remind myself to enjoy the moment that I am in. At times I find myself wondering about next year, next week even tomorrow so much that I am miserable and filled with anxiety. I really have to stop and take a deep breath and then remind myself that I don't have control over what happens so I need to just let it go. I repeat those words over and over to myself and aloud until I can let whatever it is go.
I have to say that we had really great weekend with my grandson and my son. We took them both to visit my family who live 3 hours away from us. My grandson loved playing with all my nieces and nephews. He particularly took a liking to my 20 year old nephew who stands about 6'4". It was a pretty funny sight to see a 16 month old leading the 20 year old around by the finger. We teased that the grandson had a pet giant.
It was even more satisfying when my grandson showed preference for his dad over me. This tells me that there must be something trust worthy to him about his dad right now.
There were a couple of tense moments. My son wanted to meet a friend of his from rehab on the way out of town to pick up some books that he left behind when he left rehab. I told him that I would be checking the books and anything else that he got from the guy. I did and everything was fine.
I don't know when or if I'll ever get to the point that I totally trust him but he seemed to understand that I don't.
For this moment all is good!
Happy Monday everyone!
I have to say that we had really great weekend with my grandson and my son. We took them both to visit my family who live 3 hours away from us. My grandson loved playing with all my nieces and nephews. He particularly took a liking to my 20 year old nephew who stands about 6'4". It was a pretty funny sight to see a 16 month old leading the 20 year old around by the finger. We teased that the grandson had a pet giant.
It was even more satisfying when my grandson showed preference for his dad over me. This tells me that there must be something trust worthy to him about his dad right now.
There were a couple of tense moments. My son wanted to meet a friend of his from rehab on the way out of town to pick up some books that he left behind when he left rehab. I told him that I would be checking the books and anything else that he got from the guy. I did and everything was fine.
I don't know when or if I'll ever get to the point that I totally trust him but he seemed to understand that I don't.
For this moment all is good!
Happy Monday everyone!
Wednesday, February 1, 2012
Being an enabler
When I spoke to my son the other evening and I talked about what I was willing to do for him and what I can no longer do for him I told him that all the recovering addicts that I talk tell me that every addict needs at least one dependable co-dependent enabler to make using drugs and alcohol easier for them. First, I think he was shocked that I have taken the time to learn more about addiction and that I actually talk to folks in recovery. Secondly, I think he was shocked when he heard me say, "I know that I have been your enabler. I don't want to do that anymore. I won't take part in you killing yourself and I love you too much to watch you do it".
You know, just saying those words out loud to him were so freeing. I meant them with all my being. I said them with love, without anger and without resentment. As the saying goes, "It is what it is".
I know that I will have sad and difficult days with regard to him. But today is a great day! I never really thought I could feel this peaceful again. Maybe I have never felt it.
Wishing all you a peace filled Wednesday. You are all in my prayers.
You know, just saying those words out loud to him were so freeing. I meant them with all my being. I said them with love, without anger and without resentment. As the saying goes, "It is what it is".
I know that I will have sad and difficult days with regard to him. But today is a great day! I never really thought I could feel this peaceful again. Maybe I have never felt it.
Wishing all you a peace filled Wednesday. You are all in my prayers.
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