Having a Moment

My husband said he was having a Z  moment, meaning that he was worried and wondering about our son.  I have those moments at least 15 times a day. This is the first week in a long time that I have gone without actually speaking to him. We finally talked by text a couple of times. I worried for a little while that he doesn't have a way to wash his clothes....should I go by and pick them up and wash them for him? Then I worried that  he may not have food in his apartment. Should I forget that he stole $100 from me last weekend and call to be sure he has food? He hasn't seen his son in a week, should I relent and make it possible for him to see him. He got paid on Friday, should I call to remind him to put some of that away to pay his rent?

I wish I knew all the "right" answers.

It is About Time!

Getting ready to do something I haven't done in awhile. My husband and I are going out of town over night.....at the same time. The codes are changed on the locks, our bags are packed, my daughter will spend the night with a friend and the puppies are in a safe place. Here's to a relaxing evening. Crank up the AC in the hotel room, turn off the cell phone and have a good nights sleep.

I hope I didn't just jinx the whole trip!

:-)

No News Isn't Necessarily Good News

I typically hear from my son at least once or twice a day by text even when I ask him not to. He hasn't attempted to contact me since Sunday when we asked him to leave after stealing my debit card. I haven't tried to call him. On my way home from work yesterday we caught a glimpse of him in the window of the deli where he works. So, we know he went to work. His sister saw him at a music event last night and said he appeared to be drunk or high and was being obnoxious. When she told me I just said, "That's really sad." He helped book the show and did a lot of grass roots PR to get folks there. I hope he didn't burn bridges with his behavior. Like all of our addicts he has so much potential. It is really very sad.

No Title - I am not that creative this morning

I took my grandson to his mother this morning before coming to work. I forgot how much fun it is to get ready for work with a baby on my hip! We had to take a bottle break and watch NickJr about half-way through. He is such a sweet baby that I really did not mind it a bit.

I told her about my son stealing my debit card. Her first response was, "I hope he is not using again". I told her that I thought he was but we didn't go any further with it. We talked about visits with the baby at my home and she is fine with him coming on his dad's regular weekend whether his dad is there or not. She wants him to have a connection to his grandparents and she said that she trusts my judgement as to whether my son should be in the house or not. I am so glad that I took the time to maintain my relationship with her after she made the choice to leave him.

I haven't spoken to my son since we asked him to leave on Sunday. It was just very uncomfortable to have him there after his behavior on Saturday. I really don't think that he understood why anyone should be uncomfortable. He even invited his new female friend to come over, in spite of our direction that she was not to be there when his son was there. It was kind of like an extra jab.

Oh well, today is another day. I manged to get to work without graham cracker crumbs on my shirt and I don't think I have spit up anywhere. If I do that is okay. It will all come out in the wash.

Have a great week! I appreciate all of you that comment and offer your support. It certainly makes me feel less lonely and less crazy in this wicked world of addiction.

Terri

It's Bad

Ron commented on my last submission to my blog about finding a needle and spoon in my son's pants when I picked them up to wash them. His comment was "if it looks bad it probably is bad". Well, it is bad. My son stole my debit card today while I was unloading groceries from the car. He left shortly after I got home with the groceries to pick up his bicycle that he left at a friends house several weeks ago. Something told me to look in my purse after he left and sure enough it was gone. I called him immediately and asked if he had "borrowed" it. He denied, denied and denied. I called the grocery store to see if they found it, searched my purse again, then searched my car. No debit card. I called my son again and gave him another chance. NOPE, he didn't have it. We started the process of getting it cancelled which was not an easy task. He came home and even suggested that we go to the market and look in the parking lot for it. After talking to customer service at the bank my husband learned that just shortly before my son returned to the house two withdrawals had been taken from two different ATMs near our home. He still denied doing it until my husband put the pressure on. He caved then. He seemed to think that by offering to pay us back that everything was ok and no one should be mad. He said he needed the money to pay a guy for housing the bicycle (which did not come back home with him) for all these weeks.WHAT?

He remembered the PIN number from two years ago when in a weak moment I allowed him to use it for gas. This is the second time he has "borrowed" it without permission. We have kept it locked up in the car and it would have been there today but he caught me busy and not watching.

He is here to visit with his son over the weekend. He has pretty much been high the whole time he has been here. I am at the point of saying he can't even visit with his son here. This might mean that I don't get to see my grandson very often and it will very likely mean that my son won't see him either. I doubt he has a place to live after rent comes due in two weeks. NOT MY PROBLEM! I'll work something out with the mom to make sure I maintain contact with the grand baby.

Why can addicts justify stealing from their families? We have helped this kid up so many times and this is what we get for it? ADDICTION SUCKS!!!!!

I am wondering how many ways addicts justify stealing from their families. Do any of you have creative addicts? I'd like to hear the most creative justification they have given for stealing from you. This bicycle thing has really got me shaking my head and wondering if he couldn't have come up with something better.

Tomorrow is another day. I'll work to make it a positive one for myself.

Peace,
Terri

"But Mom! It's not mine!"

How many times have we heard that one? I quit counting. My son came home with his dad afterwork yesterday. He left shortly after getting here with his new female friend. He is still married to the mother of his 9 month old son, but that is another story. He changed out of his work clothes before he left. So, being the ever so helpful mom that I am, I picked them up to wash them for him so he would have something clean to wear today. I found a needle and a spoon with some orange residue in it. I called him and told him he needed to find a ride back to his apartment and that he is not to call me unless it has something to do with the baby. He is not to ask me for a ride back to our town and I told him that I did not want to speak to him or see him again last night. His response was, "But MOM! It's not mine! I found it. You just don't understand!". Well, I might not understand what  he goes through on a daily basis but I do understand what I saw and I understand that I don't want that crap in my house. Besides, why in the hell would anyone carry around a bent spoon and a needle that didn't belong to them. That incident reminded me of the time that the cigarettes weren't his, the pot wasn't his, the booze didn't belong to him. Give me a break. Please!!!!

I don't know what I feel. I was disgusted at first, then scared about the explosion that I thought it was going to cause when I confronted him about it. It seems like all those feelings cycle much faster than they used to. I finally just reminded myself that he is an addict and that is something that I have no control over. What I can control is who and what are in my house.

He will only be allowed in my house if he is visiting with his son here. I may even search him before I allow him in the house for that.

Prodigal Son???

My son sent us a text today. To paraphrase it went something like this: I am back! I forgot how good sober can feel. I have people who don't mind being around me now. I have two jobs that I like. I have a library card that I use often. I have people in my life who love me. I don't have to look out of my bedroom window and see the house that I started using in. I have a baby that I love more than life. I am broke but I am happy.

My response was, "We love you and have missed you. We are so happy that you came back to us!"

Okay, the first thought I had was, "rent is due next Monday and he is not sure how he is going to make it." My second thought was, "I am happy that he is sober and doing well today". We are so happy that you are here for today.

Love and peace to you all.
Terri