My son is working hard at getting kicked out of my mom and dad's house in fact he may already be gone by now. He started blowing my phone up before daylight today but I still decide when to answer and when not to and I haven't talked directly to him. I had several texts saying that he couldn't live there anymore.
I was a bit skeptical about him moving in there from the start. Minus a drug addiction, my dad and son are cut from the same cloth. Both hot tempered and moody. My dad is the answer guy, you know the one, the one that can answer all of your questions and some of the ones he thinks you might ask at some other point and to top that off, he knows nothing about the biology of addiction and refuses to accept it as anything but bad moral character. Sounds like a recipe for disaster to me. But then, no one asked me.
My intuition is telling me that my son has something cooked up already. He talked to several different woman on the phone and Facebook while he was at my house over the holiday. This is what he does when he doesn't want to face reality. He tries to take the easiest perceived route out. He has a court date on January 15th and another on January 22nd. We have tried to encourage to get through these dates and see what happens because that is just part of owning the consequences for behavior.
If my dad makes him leave or if my son uses an argument to take off then my son will once again think he has someone to blame for his situation. If he leaves he won't be welomed back. He will once again be homeless and jobless.
He is 24 years old....this is not my problem. I should just stay out of it. I didn't cause it and I can't change any part of it.
I am just praying that I have developed the stick to it to stick to it.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Lost
Lost is how a mother described her son in a Facebook post this morning. This young man just graduated from college last May. He is an amazing artist and musician who has tons of people who love and admire him. He is also an opiate addict.
He and my son were friends. They enjoyed a lot of the same past times, music, art, skateboarding, chasing girls and getting high. This young man graduated high school on time and just graduated from college last May with a degree in art.
I saw this young man about a month ago with a beautiful young woman that I assumed was his girlfriend. He looked healthy and had that "light" in his eyes that addicts who are using don't have. You could see that he was seeing the world at that moment through open, sober eyes.
I am sad to hear that he is "lost" again. I hurt for his parents who must be worried out of their minds about him.
I hope that they all can find peace.
He and my son were friends. They enjoyed a lot of the same past times, music, art, skateboarding, chasing girls and getting high. This young man graduated high school on time and just graduated from college last May with a degree in art.
I saw this young man about a month ago with a beautiful young woman that I assumed was his girlfriend. He looked healthy and had that "light" in his eyes that addicts who are using don't have. You could see that he was seeing the world at that moment through open, sober eyes.
I am sad to hear that he is "lost" again. I hurt for his parents who must be worried out of their minds about him.
I hope that they all can find peace.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
Does it really need to be a circle?
My son texted tonight.
Him - Can you come get me on Friday instead of Saturday?
Me - I may come Friday after work but we may not leave until Saturday morning early.
Him - I vote we come back Friday night.
Me - We'll just have to see.
Several minutes later
Him - A girl wants to see me. She drives a cadillac mom.
Me - So?
Of course there was more to that conversation but that is the jest of it.
Okay it seems to me that he wants to get back here to meet up with this woman so that he can "hook up" with her. He is not happy at my parent's home. He can't find a job. He has legal issues hanging out there. He owes my parents money. It really feels like he is just looking for an escape route. He has tried it before and it never worked out.
I told him that it is not my business but that I hope that he isn't looking for a way out of the situation he is in. He denied it.
So what is a mom to do? Pray I guess that the right thing happens.
:-(
Him - Can you come get me on Friday instead of Saturday?
Me - I may come Friday after work but we may not leave until Saturday morning early.
Him - I vote we come back Friday night.
Me - We'll just have to see.
Several minutes later
Him - A girl wants to see me. She drives a cadillac mom.
Me - So?
Of course there was more to that conversation but that is the jest of it.
Okay it seems to me that he wants to get back here to meet up with this woman so that he can "hook up" with her. He is not happy at my parent's home. He can't find a job. He has legal issues hanging out there. He owes my parents money. It really feels like he is just looking for an escape route. He has tried it before and it never worked out.
I told him that it is not my business but that I hope that he isn't looking for a way out of the situation he is in. He denied it.
So what is a mom to do? Pray I guess that the right thing happens.
:-(
Monday, December 17, 2012
Frustration and other emotions
My son worked for a week helping a guy hang sheet rock. He showed up at the work site this morning and no one was there. When he called the guy he was told that he really didn't have enough work this week and that he would call him when/if he had more work.
My dad and mom were driving him to and from work because my son's license is suspended pending two court dates next month. My dad is telling my son he is unemployable and the only job he could get is a "boy's" job flipping burgers and that would not even be worth his time. This may be true but give the guy some credit, he is trying to do better and has managed to stay sober for longer than he ever has outside of rehab.
I think under the circumstances he is dealing with his emotions pretty well. This is probably the first time in years that he has actually fully felt these emotions and not gotten high. I am trying to see the positive in this situation.
I told him that it would be wonderful if all the stuff that happened when he was getting high would just go away now that he is not but this is not how life works. He will just have to deal with things as best as he can each day. That is all any of us can do.
Deep breath, deep breath.
Happy Monday!
My dad and mom were driving him to and from work because my son's license is suspended pending two court dates next month. My dad is telling my son he is unemployable and the only job he could get is a "boy's" job flipping burgers and that would not even be worth his time. This may be true but give the guy some credit, he is trying to do better and has managed to stay sober for longer than he ever has outside of rehab.
I think under the circumstances he is dealing with his emotions pretty well. This is probably the first time in years that he has actually fully felt these emotions and not gotten high. I am trying to see the positive in this situation.
I told him that it would be wonderful if all the stuff that happened when he was getting high would just go away now that he is not but this is not how life works. He will just have to deal with things as best as he can each day. That is all any of us can do.
Deep breath, deep breath.
Happy Monday!
Monday, December 10, 2012
Dad - A Title to be Earned
I have been spending a lot of time on the road with my grandson lately. I take him to my parents home to visit with his dad, my son. My son has visitation the first weekend of the month, which is to be supervised by me and/or my husband. Lately, my son has been seeing his son a little more often because of the holidays and because I have a good relationship with my grandson's mother.
My mom and dad live about 3 hours away so when we go we spend the entire weekend. I spent 5 days there during Thanksgiving. I don't mind right now but I imagine it will get old after a bit. Hopefully my son will be able to get his driver's license back pretty soon and can come to visit his son at my house occasionally.
It is very important to me that my son have lots of contact with his son now that he has been sober for awhile. It is not always an easy visit. My son doesn't really understand that just the fact that he fathered this child does not mean he immediately becomes "Daddy" in more than name only. They are beginning to click as father and son but mostly "Daddy" is just a name that my grandson calls his dad. I know that this makes my son sad sometimes. I keep reminding him that this time that he has with his son should be used for building a relationship.
My grandson is only 27 months old. For probably 23 of those months my son was absent. He was either absent because he was high or actually physically absent. He missed out on those early days of bonding with his son and learning the things that his son likes and doesn't like. He has had to ask what kind of gifts to buy for his son on special occasions. He doesn't know how to play with him and has unreasonable expectations. He wants a two year old to sit and watch TV for more than a few minutes at a time. He thinks he should be able to just tell him not to do something and that he should know what that he means. My son takes a very stern voice with the grandson at times when it is not necessary. When my grandson wants to come to me, or my dad instead of him, my son gets his feelings hurt. He doesn't understand that this is pretty typical toddler behavior.
He has a lot to learn. I have suggested that he do some research on child development. My family and I are here to support his learning and we want to nurture the relationship between the two of them. He lost a lot of time early and he will never get that back. If he can stay sober and continue to move forward he can build a strong loving relationship with his son and earn the right to be not only called "Daddy" but to actually be his son's Dad.
My mom and dad live about 3 hours away so when we go we spend the entire weekend. I spent 5 days there during Thanksgiving. I don't mind right now but I imagine it will get old after a bit. Hopefully my son will be able to get his driver's license back pretty soon and can come to visit his son at my house occasionally.
It is very important to me that my son have lots of contact with his son now that he has been sober for awhile. It is not always an easy visit. My son doesn't really understand that just the fact that he fathered this child does not mean he immediately becomes "Daddy" in more than name only. They are beginning to click as father and son but mostly "Daddy" is just a name that my grandson calls his dad. I know that this makes my son sad sometimes. I keep reminding him that this time that he has with his son should be used for building a relationship.
My grandson is only 27 months old. For probably 23 of those months my son was absent. He was either absent because he was high or actually physically absent. He missed out on those early days of bonding with his son and learning the things that his son likes and doesn't like. He has had to ask what kind of gifts to buy for his son on special occasions. He doesn't know how to play with him and has unreasonable expectations. He wants a two year old to sit and watch TV for more than a few minutes at a time. He thinks he should be able to just tell him not to do something and that he should know what that he means. My son takes a very stern voice with the grandson at times when it is not necessary. When my grandson wants to come to me, or my dad instead of him, my son gets his feelings hurt. He doesn't understand that this is pretty typical toddler behavior.
He has a lot to learn. I have suggested that he do some research on child development. My family and I are here to support his learning and we want to nurture the relationship between the two of them. He lost a lot of time early and he will never get that back. If he can stay sober and continue to move forward he can build a strong loving relationship with his son and earn the right to be not only called "Daddy" but to actually be his son's Dad.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Stepping up is not always easy
My son turned himself in at two different courts today. My parents gave him a ride and paid bond at one of them. I hate that part but it is the choice they made not me.
He has two different court dates in January. Most likely he will be given probation and fines in both places. He is depressed about the unknown. He is beating himself up pretty good.
I reminded him that it could be a lot worse. He agreed.
I don't have a lot left to say to him. I love him but what he left to be fixed is up to him to be fixed. I hate that he is dragging others into this mess. But again, that is their choice.
I am proud of him for finally doing the right thing. I hope it works out.
He has two different court dates in January. Most likely he will be given probation and fines in both places. He is depressed about the unknown. He is beating himself up pretty good.
I reminded him that it could be a lot worse. He agreed.
I don't have a lot left to say to him. I love him but what he left to be fixed is up to him to be fixed. I hate that he is dragging others into this mess. But again, that is their choice.
I am proud of him for finally doing the right thing. I hope it works out.
Monday, December 3, 2012
Reaping what we sow
When my son left the state last February he had a order to appear in court on a paraphernalia charge. Now he has a warrant out for failure to appear. I also know of an unpaid ticket for driving without a seat belt. There may be others that I know nothing about.
He is living with my parents right now. They helped him get an a vehicle to drive, which they cannot really afford to do, and took him today to see about getting the car insured. Guess what? His license has been suspended and he can't get insurance.
He called me this morning with an almost accusatory tone toward me. I told him that I know nothing about his license being suspended and that it could have something to do with the warrant for his arrest and the drug charge. I gently reminded him that the charges are not going to go away. He said, "Why do you want me to go to jail?" CLICK!!!! After he hung up on me I turned my phone off. I don't want to deal with his hysterics today.
He is supposed to start a new job tomorrow and now if he keeps it he will have to depend on my parents to get him to and from work. Which will mean that one of them will have to drive two 60 mile round trips a day to get him to and from work. This will be a major inconvenience for them not to mention the economic hardship.
I wish that things would work out for him and I find myself wishing that he could catch a break. Then I remind myself that unless his takes care of the mess he left behind in the wake of his addiction he will never get that break.
I knew an older lady when I was growing up who repeated these words from the bible, "We reap what we sow". My son is hopfully learning something from all this. I know that he wants me to fix it. That is what he expects me to do. I can't, I don't want to, it wouldn't be fair to him for me to get involved. He needs to plant something positive for a change. He needs to step up and face the consequences for his past behavior. That is the only way he can leave it behind for good.
He is living with my parents right now. They helped him get an a vehicle to drive, which they cannot really afford to do, and took him today to see about getting the car insured. Guess what? His license has been suspended and he can't get insurance.
He called me this morning with an almost accusatory tone toward me. I told him that I know nothing about his license being suspended and that it could have something to do with the warrant for his arrest and the drug charge. I gently reminded him that the charges are not going to go away. He said, "Why do you want me to go to jail?" CLICK!!!! After he hung up on me I turned my phone off. I don't want to deal with his hysterics today.
He is supposed to start a new job tomorrow and now if he keeps it he will have to depend on my parents to get him to and from work. Which will mean that one of them will have to drive two 60 mile round trips a day to get him to and from work. This will be a major inconvenience for them not to mention the economic hardship.
I wish that things would work out for him and I find myself wishing that he could catch a break. Then I remind myself that unless his takes care of the mess he left behind in the wake of his addiction he will never get that break.
I knew an older lady when I was growing up who repeated these words from the bible, "We reap what we sow". My son is hopfully learning something from all this. I know that he wants me to fix it. That is what he expects me to do. I can't, I don't want to, it wouldn't be fair to him for me to get involved. He needs to plant something positive for a change. He needs to step up and face the consequences for his past behavior. That is the only way he can leave it behind for good.
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