Can a whole can of LYSOL spray kill the addiction germ?

Yeah, I know it can't but I just had an OCD moment!

When my grandson comes to visit he sleeps in the room that his dad used to inhabit. While I was trying to get him to go to sleep the last time he was here I noticed a blood splatter on the ceiling and I promised myself that I would remove it before Little Man came to visit the next time. Well, that is tomorrow. Tonight I got the white paint and covered the stain. That wasn't good enough. Then I sorted his toys, took his winter clothes and put them away, removed the last few things that belonged to his dad, put all the bedding in the laundry, dusted everything even the ceiling fan. I cleaned the floors, wiped down the blinds and window sills. Then I used a whole can of disinfectant spray on the mattress, the blinds, toys the walls, ceiling fan, closets, and finally the ceiling.

By the end I was sitting on the edge of the bed sobbing my  eyes out. I am okay now but for a few minutes I wasn't sure.

Praying for all of us right now!

Here I Am

I have spent a lot of time over the past several months mourning the little boy that I raised who grew up to be a drug addict. I still love both of them more than I can ever express to either of them. I also miss them both with all my heart! Not the addict so much but the man I know he could be.

My husband is having a really hard time right now. He was the hard ass through every thing that we have all been through in the past several years. He never gave himself permission to mourn the boy we will never have back. I'm not sure how to support him.

I am okay with where I am at. I take care of my business, try not to worry about the business of everyone else and fumble through each day the best I can.

I guess my husband's journey is his. I have to let him travel it. I'll hug him when he will let me and hand him a tissue when needed.

Addictions sucks for everyone!

On a fun note, my grandson was here this weekend and he "helped"with the flower beds. Here is a picture after only a few minutes and we are not even half way done. Love that little boy!

Changing my address from Crazy Town to Serenity City

For a lot of years, 8 now to be exact, I have been in crisis mode with my son. He started using at the age of 15 and it was pretty much Crazy Town at my house anytime he was there. We always knew that it was just a matter of time before some kind of insanity ensued. For those years I let his addiction determine my schedule. If I had plans for the weekend and he screwed up then I cancelled the plans to deal with his screw up. If I planned to work out after work and he was having a melt down, I'd cancel my plans to go council him. I re-worked my work schedule so many times to get him to GED classes when he dropped out of high school, doctor's appointments, ER trips, counseling, court, probation appointments. We all know this routine too well.

In the past several months I have begun to realize that I have let so much of my life go in order to deal with his life. I don't go to lunch with friends anymore, don't often join my co-workers for lunch, don't call my sisters as much, and don't join in any kind of group activities. I am working on that now.

My husband I have joined a church that is very involved in community service and it feels good to be involved in something that gives to others in a positive way. We enjoy talking about what we are going to do in two years when we get some bills paid off. I am planning my flower garden for the spring and summer. If I get invited to join co-workers for lunch I force myself to go even when I am really not in the mood. I always feel better afterward. My sisters and I are planning a trip this fall to run the Route 66 half marathon in Tulsa. I am working on getting a room fixed up for my grandson. I've started running again and even bought a cool new pair of running shoes. I take time to read books that aren't on the topic of addiction.

See none of those things include my son at all! I think back to all of the days, weeks and months that all, I mean every bit of my time was spent trying to figure out a way to fix my son and I think, "How crazy is that?".

I don't want to live in Crazy Town anymore. Time to move on.

Praying for us all today.

He seems happy, shouldn't I be happy for him?

I sent my son a message this morning to let him know that we took the grandson to the ER again last night. He was running a temp, coughing and wouldn't eat. I was afraid that he had pneumonia again or at the very least an ear infection. His mom called and asked me to take them at around 8:00 last night. It turned out to be a viral infection complete with a nice rash on his belly and back. I offered to keep him last night and today so that mom could be rested for her work day and not have to worry about what to do if he was still running a temp this morning. She doesn't get sick days where she works and she just missed two days a few weeks ago while he was in the hospital. When we got out of the ER at 11:00 I took his mom home and then brought him to my house and put him to bed.

My son just called and told me that I really need to call him when things like that happen. I told him that I don't think that it is MY responsibility to call him at all but that I did let him know what happened this morning. I mean, he is 5  hours away and he has no transportation. What could would it have done?

Anyway, he is headed to a different city with a band for the next week. He will help promote the show the band is doing and will help with the travel, set up and tear down. He has done this in our city and has really been very successful. That is why this friend of his offered to let him come and work for him. My son is in his element. He loves this stuff and he seems happy about this part of his move. Part of me is very happy for him. Part of me is very sad that I am here taking care of his sick son instead of him.

I'll just keep doing what I do because I know that it is the right thing for me to do. Today I AM thankful that my son is alive and seems happy with where he is at. I am thankful that my grandson's mom is confident enough in me to call when she needs my support. I am thankful that I have a job that allows me to take a sick day and still get paid. Most of all I am thankful that my grandson is on the mend and is taking a nap just a room away from me and that in about 15 minutes he will wake up and want to sit on my lap and watch Dora.

Today is good!

100 Posts!

I never thought I'd be sharing such intimate details of my life with the blogosphere like I have in the last 100 posts that I have written. I am not sure I would be as healthy as I am today without writing about what is going on with my son and reading what others write about their addicted children.

I haven't talked much about any of the other addicts in my life. There have been a few. I probably didn't know it at the time but as I look back I can see that they were.

My brother is an alcoholic. I think I have known that for a few years but I had never said it out loud. None of our family has. He calls me at late hours after he has had a few drinks. I used to answer all the calls no matter what time he called but decided a couple of years ago not to answer if I wasn't in the mood to talk to him.

He sent me a text yesterday cussing me out for not including his 20 year old son in the activities that my sisters and I participated in this past weekend. I was shocked! He has never ussed that type of language with me. I am the oldest of six children and he is the fourth. Because of our age difference I ended up playing the mother role for a good portion of his growing up time. It felt like he had slapped me when I read the text. I responded to him by telling him that I love him but that he was way out of line. He apologized this morning. I'm sure he didn't even remember sending it.

My nephew goes to college near where we were all together and yes, he was invited to go out to eat with the sisters and to come hang out at their hotel. I didn't invite him to my house because my addict son was there at the time and I really didn't want to expose my nephew to any potential drama. We all know how quickly things can go south with an addict in the house.

Anyway, today I said it out loud. My brother is an alcoholic. There is no way to pretty that up is there?

Praying for yours and for mine today.

He is gone!

My son left yesterday to begin his journey in another state. I wish this journey included a recovery program but it doesn't. He says he has a job and a place to stay when he gets there. He seems to think everything will be different there. I hope that he is right.

We allowed him to come to our home on Friday to stay the night with his son. He was supposed to leave on Saturday morning to go to the new place. His friends were paying for a bus ticket and were planning to take him to the bus station. I knew it wouldn't be this simple. He waited too late to get to the bus station so the trip was delayed until Sunday morning and of course he needed a ride because the other folks wigged out.

The last binge he went on he lost every piece of clothing that he owned. He literally only had the clothes on his back. I took him to Goodwill to get a few things and our local box discount store for what he couldn't get there. He left with more clothes than he has had in the past two years. How long will he have them, who knows?

It amazes me how he walks off and leaves everything without a second thought. His clothes and now his son too. I have been struggling with that a little. I don't get it. My husband and I weren't always the perfect parents but we were always there for our kids.

When we thought he was leaving on Saturday his dad gave him cash for the trip. We had agreed to do that beforehand but I didn't know that his dad had already given him the money and told him he could keep the bus fare the friends gave him and that we would buy the ticket on line and he could use that money for the trip. He didn't bother to tell me that his dad had already given him $50 for the trip. So, he had about $170 in is pocket at one point. Of course he had to go and see a "friend" for a little bit Saturday evening. I am sure you know what condition he came back in. I didn't confront him I just told him he needed to be up and ready when it was time to leave in the a.m.

He was able to get himself up and his stuff in the car. I had the feeling of  deja vu. It seems like I have been sending him away forever but nothing changes for him.

I have made a lot of changes in myself these past few months. I still think I am in a good place for me. I felt a little sad when I walked away from him on Sunday. Ordinarily I would have waited for him to get on the bus but I had plans that morning and I refused to put those aside for him. I have done that too many times in the past and I told him this last go around that I would no longer schedule my life around his. I was already going in the direction of the bus station or the story might have been different.

Anyway, in spite of the expected amount of drama with him in our house, I had a good weekend. My sisters and I spent Saturday at the zoo with their kids and my grandson. I invited my son to come and he did. I am glad that the two of them had that positive time together before my son left town. On Sunday before I dropped him off at the bus station my sisters, my niece and I ran a 10K race together. We didn't break any speed records but we had a good time together. After I dropped him off I attended our church's service Sunday. We spent the aftenoon doing yard work at a women's shelter.

I hope things work out for my son. Who knows? Maybe this is a good thing for him to do. Maybe getting away from the old crowd and old expectations is just the thing that he needs right now. I guess only time will tell.

Happy Monday everyone!

All by myself......

That is a rare thing for me. There is usually always someone at my house. Not the house full that there used to be but at least a person or two. There is always a little dog here but they don't make a lot of rukus and they really don't demand a lot....mostly.

I enjoy a few hours alone occasionally. It gives me time to take care of some things around the house without folks under foot. It also gives me some time to think and reflect which is something POA's don't always get because we are usually in reaction mode.

My son says he is moving away. Almost a state and a half away. He supposedly has a friend who has a place and a job for him when he gets there. My son is my "friend" on Facebook and it looks like this is true. This friend of his supposedly (isn't funny how we even write with doubt?) is buying him a bus ticket to get there.

We haven't talked much since the last go around. I did tell him he would never live in my house again. The woman he left rehab called me a couple of times and told me he stole pills from her and left her stranded. I wished her the best, reminded her where she met him, and hung up the phone. I get so tired of taking care of the collateral damage.

Tonight I am in a good place with myself. It IS possible to find PEACE!!!!! I don't feel responsible for anything that is about to happen. I don't question my relationship with my son, my grandson's mom, or with my grandson. I feel solid and peace filled on all counts. It is what it is and I am who I am!!!

Praying for yours and for mine tonight. PEACE is possible!!!