I'm Still Kicking!!!

I'm still here folks! I'm transitioning back into the strong woman that I used to be before I let my soon to be ex-husband run my life for me. It took awhile to get to the point that I realized that I am a strong, smart and very capable woman. I know that I was beginning to find her while dealing with my son's addiction but after my ex left I had two choices, wallow in grief and self-pity or get up and move on.


After years of dealing with grief and self-pity dealing with an addicted son I was TIRED of that choice! I have made some big changes in the past 90 days. I moved away from the house that I had lived in for 15 years to a town an hour away. I'm not close enough to jump up and run to any of my children or grandchildren. Grown folks are having to deal with stuff on their own. The ex is having to be interrupted in whatever he is going through to do things like, run an insurance card to my daughter at the walk in clinic. Go help her move her stuff from one house to the next.


I have a new job that leaves me with energy and time to do things that I enjoy. My life is really opening up and becoming more and more enjoyable for me with each day. Really, I feel fairly stress free for the first time in years. My life is simple. I don't make much money and the house I live in is not fancy but it is comfortable. I'm learning that simple and comfortable are very important things to me.


My son is still using. I'm pretty sure it is meth now but I don't have proof. I rarely talk to him on the phone, I last saw him a month ago and it was an awful visit. He only contacts me when he wants something from me. I don't do anything for him. I've run out of the will for that.


I'm making arrangements to see my grand kids next weekend. That is the one thing that I miss about being close. I can't just run get them anytime I get the urge. You know....I think that is a good thing too. I think sometimes I used their visits as a distraction from some of the things that were going on in my house and my marriage. I don't know. Anyway, I do know that I will enjoy them every time I get to spend time with them.


I'm finding my spiritual self again and that is really nice. I've started exercising and watching my diet. I have a friend that encourages me and even works out with me sometimes. I've lost 32 pounds since February. Life for me is just really good.


I've been reading blogs some and note the ups and downs. I'll try to do better about checking in. Helga is a super sleuth!!! She found me on Facebook. That just reinforced that all of us POAs are connected in some way. I think about each of you often and you are all always in my prayers.

It HAS been awhile!!!!!

I just looked back and I haven't posted anything since February! It is not that there is nothing to talk about. I guess that I have been consumed with life. There have been a bunch of changes in last couple of months. I'll update you.


My son left the rehab he was in after about 45 days with his PO's blessing. His charge was to get in another rehab within 2 weeks. Well,  he took 1 week and 6 days. I finally ended up paying to get him in after having him in my house for a day and a half. The back story is that he called me and told me he was going the next day and needed a place to stay. I told him no at first and then told him if he could get a ride to my house that I would let him stay the night. His son happened to be here. It ended up being a great night. The next day I too him to the rehab, he went in and came out with a piece of paper and said he had to complete that and bring it back the next day and he would have a bed. Okay.


So, he got up the next day and said that just because he turns in those papers doesn't mean he will have a bed. I called him out on it. He of course got upset and went into addict mode. "You just don't want me here!!!! I'll just find another place to stay!!!!!" My 3 year old grandson said, "Don't you talk to Granny that way!!!! She is my friend ALWAYS!" I'm glad I didn't actually see the interaction. Just hearing it made me tear up.


The next day I called the rehab and told  them that I needed him out of my house and that I was willing to pay the fee to get him a bed. They told me I could bring him at noon the next day. We agreed not to tell my son that I had paid the fee again. So, I got him there and he is still there.


The other news is that my marriage finally collapsed. My husband admitted to be having an affair, admitted that he doesn't want to be responsible to or for anyone and he was moving out. What do you say after hearing that?


We have agreed on a settlement. I'll be moving on. I don't know what my future holds but I have learned to let go and let God! I have a good therapist. I get to keep the kids and grandkids. He gets to keep the girlfriend. I think I will come out on the positive side of this. I've started working out again, I have learned to enjoy my own company. I have friends that love me and I am reconnecting with them. My bio family is a great support system for me and my little sisters are planning a girl's weekend for me. I am a little afraid of what they have planned. :-)


I have cried my eyes out but have decided that this is where I am at and I'll be okay.


I'll try to do better to stay in contact.


I've been reading and trying to keep up with everyone.


I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Letters passing in the mail

I wrote my son a letter last week. I got one from him about the same time he got mine. Weird, right?


As I predicted he was asking about visits with his son, "If it isn't too much trouble", and, "Could you send pictures of Dante, if it isn't too much trouble". HA! I like the way all of the sudden he is considering if he is causing too much trouble.


I am still not sure what to do about visits with his son.


I just put a letter in the mail for him that tells him that another friend of his died of an overdose over the weekend. This guy had been sober for more than a year. He died on Friday.


This drug is so evil. It doesn't care who it takes down.


I'm tired................tired.

Almost 30 days....

I'm not sure how I am feeling right now. It is almost the 30 day mark for my son in this new rehab and he will be able to make phone calls and begin to have visits. Part of me feels very anxious to hear from him and part of me feels well, anxious about hearing from him.


I'd like to know he is okay but I really don't want to know if things are awful there and I don't want to hear him snivel and whine.


I know he is going to expect me to bring his son to visit right away. I don't know if that will be the right thing to do. My grandson hasn't seen his dad in 5 months and truthfully I can't remember the last time he saw his dad sober. He calls his step dad, "Dad". I may need to reach out to my therapist or a child development specialist to get an expert opinion. My son has talked to his son on the phone a couple of times and my grandson always asks him, "What is your name?" It is heart breaking.


Anyway, I'll deal with it one step at a time. That is the only way to do it.


I hope you guys are seeing sunshine. The sun came out in Arkansas today and we have hopes for some warmer weather. Come on springtime!!!!

The Beast

The beast claimed another life yesterday.....I doubt that it was the only one. The one we all heard about was a well known actor.  He is really no different than the ones we didn't hear about yesterday. The actor, just like our addicted loved ones, lived each day with that devil on one shoulder telling them to just pick up one more time, it'll be okay. And their conscience on the other saying, "Please, please, please don't do it!"

As I sit here this morning I am wondering, does the beast claim a life the first time an addict uses or does it claim the life after the addict is gone? From what I have witnessed with my son, the beast claimed his life the first time he put a needle in his arm and allowed the beast into his body. The beast has been the director, orchestrator, the boss of my son's life for the past 7 years. The beast has owned my son for that long.

Does the beast own him or is he merely renting out space? My prayer is that he is renting out space and that the lease has expired.

I hope you all have a great week and I pray that this is the day all of our addicted loved ones see their way out of the craziness.

Letters a plenty

When I talked to the intake guy for the newest rehab my son managed to get himself into, I was told that my son could write all the letters he wanted to the first 30 days and I could write all I wanted to.


I haven't been inclined to write and I guess he hasn't either.


Oh, well!!!

I didn't mean to sound cruel...

I realize my last post probably sounded a little cruel. Maybe even a lot. I don't know what kind of place my son is in and I am not sure if he needs what they have to offer. The person that spoke to me said that they use behavior modification as a treatment modality. I know very little about that process. I know what behavior modification is but have never seen it in practice.


The little grin was for two reasons; 1) That I believe he manipulated his situation to get out of jail without much thought to where he might end up. So, in my mind, by manipulating the situation you get what you get. 2) I didn't resort to "rescue  mommy" mode and immediately see what it would take to get him out of there. That is a HUGE accomplishment for me.


So, if that was the first post that you read of mine, please know that I am not an uncaring mother who is glad my son is suffering (if indeed he is0. I believe whatever he goes through in that facility is a far cry from the suffering that he has been going through for the past 7 years while addicted to opiates.


I hope everyone is having a great weekend. We have sunshine here in Arkansas today and I think we are even going to get above freezing for a few days.