Mind Your Own Business!

That is what I am reminding myself to do today. The reason is, the last time my son came to my house he left his pay check stub and I found it on the floor of the room he slept in. He earned only half of what he told us he is earning. This means that there is no way that he can afford to pay the rent on his apartment, pay utilities, eat and pay his child support. I know child support is being paid, he still has a place to live and doesn't look under nourished. Of course my mind went into over-drive imagining what he is doing to pay those bills. My fellow POAs know exactly where my mind went with that.

Finally I just told myself that it is not my business. I had to repeat this several time before I could let it go. If he is doing something illegal he will get caught eventually and he will have to deal with the consequences. If he has a second legitimate job that I don't know about then good for him!

Today I am letting go and letting God deal with this. It is not mine to worry about, fix or deal with. It is none of my business!

Happy Friday everyone!

Festie Feet!

Any of you out there that have ever gone to a 4 day outdoor music festival know what I am talking about. We camped out with some old friends, made some new ones, enjoyed great music and beautiful fall weather! I hardly thought of my son and his problems the whole time we were there. (Notice that I said hardly)

Thank you all that commented on the post about my son calling the day we were planning to leave needing me to change my plans and find and take him to rehab that day. I gave him a phone number for a rehab that would have taken him that day and we left for our trip that we had been planning for months. He didn't make the phone call but I still had my vacation.

We had a great time and eventually my festie feet will get back to normal. Maybe a pedicure is in order!

Manipulation?

My husband and I have had plans to go out of town for music festival for several months now. This is an event my son would love to go to and frankly if he was sober I would love for him to go with us. He asked me to buy him a ticket when he was here over the weekend. His birthday is tomorrow. I told him I didn't want to buy him a ticket and he got in a huff and couldn't understand why I wouldn't shell out $150 and provide him transportation and lodging to go. As I blogged earlier, he was high when he was here. He also found out yesterday that the girl friend knows that he stole her money and medications.

We are supposed to leave today, we ARE leaving today. My son calls this morning saying he needs to get into rehab, today. When his dad asked what made him decide to go today, he hung up the phone and turned it off. I called and found a place that can take him today. It is a 30 day program. I called and left the phone number and told him that if he calls this morning and they will let him come in (he may need to go to detox first) then I will take him.

My thinking is that the ball is in his court. There is nothing I can do if he doesn't make the call. I shouldn't cancel my plans to do something I have been planning and looking forward to just to sit by the phone and wait to see what he does, right? He will be 23 years old tomorrow. Time for him to step up and take care of this himself. Right?

He did it again!

This weekend was rough. I know I brought it on myself by allowing my son to be in my home in the first place. I can deal with that. I found out today that he stole his new female friends debit card, wiped out her bank account which will make it difficult to provide for her own daughter's needs for the rest of the week AND he stole her medication.

Makes me sick! She is pressing charges, which I encouraged her to do. I reminded her that I work for the courts and specifically child welfare and that I also encourage her to keep her baby away from my son. You know, I never thought during the 9 months that I carried him in my body that I would EVER have to tell someone that he is not safe to be around.o

Don't know what will happen next. Maybe he will go to jail. Who knows? I can't and don't even want to try to predict the future.

You know how you can tell an addict is lying?????

A recovering addict asked me that question one time and of course the answer was, "their lips are moving". I saw this again this past weekend with my son. He was at our house to visit with his son. He had been there only long enough to "go get coffee" with his new female friend and then take a shower, when he started nodding off. Of course it was just because he was tired. He hadn't had much sleep all week but when I spoke to him on the phone the night before he said he had slept for 12 hours the previous night. So which was the truth? Who cares really? He probably used when he was in the bathroom taking a shower. Needless to say, he didn't get much of a visit with my grandson. He can't be there when he is high. He blew it....again.

I am wondering if they really think we are stupid. We don't know what they look like when they are high after all this time. Tiny pupils, slurred words, lidded eyes, nodding off mid-sentence.

I am not even angry with him - he is an addict that is what addicts do when they are actively using. I am more angry with myself for letting him back in my house. I guess I need to re-charge my power shield and put it back in place.

I pray that one day he will get to the place he needs to be. I'll pray for your kids too.

How Big is Your Higher Power

My sixth grade teacher asked me how big my God was because I was worried about something that might or might not happen. She asked me if he was weak and tiny or big and strong. Even at the age of twelve the question made me stop and think. How big is my God?

I have carried that with me for a long while now and I still have to stop and ask myself that question when I start trying to control and manipulate situations. Am I so arrogant that I think that I am smarter, stronger, more loving that my God?  So sure that I know more about the plan that the universe has for my son than God does?

How big is my God? Big enough to keep me and my son safe? Big enough and strong enough to trust to know the bigger plan? Big enough to take over if I can be trusting enough to get out of the way and let go and let God?

That teacher passed away this year. She challenged me in many ways but the day she challenged me to define my faith in my higher power probably was one of the most important. Thank you Mrs. Hawk.