No News

I haven't heard from my son in over a week now. That is probably the longest period of time that he has ever gone without sending a text or trying to call. I did miss a number from a strange phone number, I guess that could have been him.

He did call his dad on Sunday to ask for $20. His dad has been staying with a friend since the separation in a city near where we both work and about 30 minutes from our home. This happens to also be around the corner more or less from where my son is staying. However, on that day my husband was here helping to do yard work. He refused to give him the money, I heard him thank our son for mowing the yard and helping me while he was here previously. Nothing was said about me making him leave because he was high. His dad also asked how a job interview went last week. We all know how that one goes, "I think it went pretty good. They are supposed to call me next week".

I found an empty vodka bottle in the room he stayed in overnight. He hid it in my grandson's drawer of all places. Why not just throw it away?

The mother of a drug buddy of his stopped by my house on Monday for a few minutes and said that our sons had been together over the weekend.

By all accounts, he is spiraling back down into the abyss. I wish I could throw out a life preserver but I can't. He is the only one that has the right to do that and the only one who owns the life preserver that will fit him.

I am going to say a prayer for him and all of yours and then get ready to face my day.

I have only received a text from my son since he left my house on Monday evening. I learned from his dad that he was "let go" from his job because according to him they couldn't afford to pay him. I don't believe that. They just promoted him and gave him a raise, surely the business owners know what their budget is for salaries and wouldn't offer someone a raise if they couldn't afford it.

In my heart I know that it is the same old thing. He quit working his program and either started coming in late and disheveled or didn't come in at all because he was high or passed out.

He learned on Sunday that his dad and are separated. I told him that it is really no one's fault more than the other and that we are talking and are going to start couseling as soon as we can get in. He took it harder than my other two children. He wanted to know details and when I told him the details weren't for him to know he got angry and called his dad to find out WTF is going on. His dad told him the same thing.

On Monday he sent me several texts asking me to bring home some beer. I told him that I didn't want alcohol in the house and asked him to please respect that and understand. I told him if he was drinking that he would need to leave the house before I got there. He denied that he was.

He had mowed the yard, cleaned the kitchen and when I got home helped me pull the pool cover off. I knew there was something amiss with him. He couldn't focus. When I confronted him he got very agitated. That is when I told him he would have to leave.

He had tried to help with all the "things Dad would be doing if he were here". I know he was trying in his own way to take care of me. I'm just sorry that he got high and I had to make him leave.

The text he sent just said, "I guess I will stay out of your business from now on. I love you".

I told him that I love him too.

I haven't tried to contact him and he has not tried to contact me. I figure when he spends all of his last check that he will be calling asking for money, favors, minutes on his phone. I will be sad to tell him that I can't do it this time.

I hope that you all have a wonderful weekend. I will be headed to the western part of my state with my grandson this afternoon to go to my nephew's high school graduation.

Pills Too

A woman that my son spent the night with before coming to my house on Sunday told me today that he stole most of her pain medication and anxiety medication. She had just had surgery and had opiates there for her pain. He went to her house to "take care of her". This is the same woman he screwed over just before going back to rehab this spring.

I told her she was better off without him. She knows this but she "loves him". Well, I do too but I can't have him around me if he is using.

He stole money out of his son's piggy bank again while he was at my house.

I haven't heard from him today. I don't know if he made it back to the place he was staying and if he did if the let him stay. I can't help but wonder if he made it to work or if he decided to stay high instead.

Sounds like he is quickly making his way back to the dark side. I pray not.

Yucko!

After a good morning with my son I ended having make him leave tonight. When I got home from work he was drunk. He got more and more belligerent the longer he was here. I started to just go to bed and just leave him alone but he started banging around in the kitchen. I told him to get a ride or that I was going to take him back to the place that he is staying.

Of course he got angry. Cussed and told me that I didn't appreciate the breakfast he prepared, the lawn he mowed or the fact that he helped me take the pool cover off. I went to my room and locked my door. He knocked a couple of times, once to ask if I wanted him to leave and the second to tell me that he was leaving.

I went to bed sad but woke up a little bit ago with the realization that he is the one who messed up not me.

I took care of myself and I don't need to apologize for that.

I'm gonna go back to sleep now with a clear conscience after I say a prayer for my son.

Payday

My son has been working for about three weeks now at a high end restaurant near where he is living. He got the job with the recommendation of on of his AA cohorts. He started out washing dishes and was just last week moved to doing food prep. He got a bit of a raise with that and seems very pleased with himself. I reminded him when he told me that he is an excellent worker when he is sober.

I saw him for a couple of hours the  Friday before Mother's Day. I took him and his son to eat lunch and let them have a few hours together walking around the grounds of the office building I work in. As I sat across from him at lunch my eyes went to the needle scars on his arms. That made my stomach lurch just a little. Do those ever go away?

He told me that he would get his first paycheck and that he would have $250 to give me for his son. He also said that he wanted to take me to lunch for Monday for Mother's Day. Well when payday came he didn't have as much on his check as he had anticipated. He did give me some money for his son.

Paydays always have been a trigger for him. He needs to work because that is what adults do but when he has money in his pocket he tends to go prowling for drugs. I had to let those negative feelings go. If he did go get high he again would be the one to deal with the circumstances.

I let him come to the my house yesterday to enjoy an afternoon with his son, brother, sis-in-law and his new niece. We ate a meal together and played outside. It was a good day.

This morning I got out of bed and he was up already and  in the kitchen. He said, "Don't come in here Mom!"  My first thought was that he was shooting up or had someone in the house or something else was going on that shouldn't be going on.

Then I felt bad that that had been my first thought when he brought my breakfast and coffee into the living room to me. He had made oatmeal, toast with jam and he even cut up an apple in slices drizzled them with honey and put then put them decoratively on my plate. I almost couldn't eat any of it because it made me cry but I forced myself to eat a few bites in front of him and when he went outside to smoke I put some of it in the trash and covered it up. I didn't want him to think I didn't like it or appreciate his effort.

I'll carry that vision of him, so proud to do something for his mom, for the rest of my life.

Praying with hope and faith for all of our loved ones today.