You know that feeling you get when..............?

We had a great weekend at my house. My 9 month old grandson came and spent 3 days and two nights. There is just something about having a baby in the house. He is such a happy little guy and is free with giggles and baby smooches. My son was also there and it was wonderful to watch him with his son.

Wonderful weekends have often been ruined by my son's additive behaviors. We could have had the most awesome time as a family and then out of seemingly no where my son would just go crazy over some minor thing. This sent the whole family into a frenzy and we would end up having a sleepless Sunday night worrying about him. Now I see that this was his way of making it okay to leave the house so that he could access drugs. After all we were "pissed" and really just "didn't want him to be there anyway". That made it our fault.

So, when I saw that I had missed call yesterday only 15 minutes after I dropped him off at his apartment my heart shifted into that crisis rhythm. My anxiety level immediatly went through the roof and I debated on whether or not to return the call. Of course I did. There was nothing wrong, he wasn't asking for money or demanding that I turn around and come back because he needed a ride somewhere. Nothing like that at all. He just wanted to ask a question. I told him that I worried when I saw that he called and he wondered why. I said, "I guess I need to get used to the idea that every conversation we have doesn't necessarily about something going wrong". 

He sent me a text later in the day thanking me for a used microwave that I got cheap and to thank me for helping him with the baby this weekend. Wow! It is good to have my son back. I have missed him. I hope he doesn't go away again and if he does I hope he will find his way back quickly.

Moving Day!

My son is moving into his first apartment that he is renting all by himself. He has always either lived in our house, his in-law's, with a girl friend or with other room mates. This is his first time to live alone. I am excited for him. I am also frightened for him. He got paid today and he gave me money for his child support and money for the fine that I paid for him. This is a vast, VAST improvement. Paying his bills before spending money on other stuff is not something that has come first nature to him. For this minute I am very proud for him. He carried himself like a man for the first time in a long while. You could see pride in his eyes. There I go with the eyes again. I have always heard that the eyes are the window to the soul. I think I understand that now.

Peace to you. We all deserve it!

Getting Over Another Hump

I don't know how many times I have said, "If he could just get over this hump I think he will be okay." I feel like some days I have him on my shoulders trying to lift him as high as I can to help him get over but it just never seems to happen. We are at another crossroads today. He is doing really well with his job. He is getting a raise soon and has taken on some new responsibilities. He is paying his child support and being proactive about things like, finding an apartment, seeking an attorney that might be able to help get regular and consistent visitation with his son. He found an apartment and was able to get the electricity turn on in his name without help. The problem is the ER bill from last fall that I refused to pay. He hasn't paid it either or made any arrangements to pay it. Now it has been turned over to a collection agency and they are threatening to garnish his wages. Without his paycheck he can't afford rent or utilites and he won't be able to pay child support. We are not supposed to look at the past, only today, but it seems like the past comes back and bites him on the ass every time. I will talk to him tonight about calling the collection agency and seeing if he can work out some type of payment arrangement with them. My shoulders are getting very tired. I pray that he can pull himself over this time.

The Things They Will Do

We recently received a bill from an emergency room visit by my son from several months ago. I knew that he went and told him then that I wouldn't pay this bill. Receiving the bill brought back memories of many trips to the ER with him. He was diagnosed with his first kidney stone at the age of 15. This required the stone to be crushed with a laser. He had a couple of confirmed episodes when he was 16 and 17. Each episode resulted in a prescription for pain medication. It sort of shocked me how freely doctors wrote these prescriptions.When he was 18 he was going to the ER once or twice a month complaining pretty convincingly of back pain he believed was caused by a kidney stone. Pain is not something that is easily measured by anyone other than the person dealing with it. It took me a minute to accept that my son was exhibiting drug seeking behavior. I stopped taking him to the ER and would not provide my insurance info to him. I even called several of the ERs he had used and asked that they mark his chart. When they started asking him for $100 up front he quit going to the ER and start shopping for doctors. Many of the doctors caught on pretty quickly and basically "fired" him from coming to their office. We paid thousands of dollars on these unnecessary ER visits after insurance paid.
I don't know why I am posting this. He hasn't done this in awhile, at least to my knowledge. When he complains to me now my standard answer is, "I am so sorry." and then I walk away. You know it amazes me to look back at all the crapola that we went through with this young man. Looking at it now I just have to shake my head at the pure insanity of it all. Man, addicts do crazy stuff and us co-dependents just follow right in behind them doing some crazy stuff too. At least for today, I will be sane.
Blessings!

Payday............

My son got his first pay check today after being sober for almost 12 days. He paid child support, paid me part of what he owed me for his fine and is supposed to put some of it up to buy things he will need for the apartment he is going to be renting later this month. Sounds like everything is in order. Why am I so nervous?

Brown Paper Bag

I found brown bags in the trash. The kind that are just the size and shape to hold a 5th of something. Not that I really searched. They were just there on top of the other trash. Alcohol is not the problem....Right? I mean he is really only addicted to pills, a few beers or a few shots won't hurt. Jeez Louise!!!!! Here we go. :-(

Not the Way I Thought it Would Be

I took my son to the park so that he could have "visitation" with his 8 month old son. He hasn't seen him for 3 weeks. While I praise my daughter-in-law for keeping my grandson (and herself) safe from his dad's drug addiction it makes me sad to know that my son is missing out on so many things with his baby. I cried as I drove from the parking lot and saw my son smiling and crying at the same time as he took his son from the car seat. He has been sober for 9 days now! :-)

Passing the Test

My son has been back in my house for a week. He can be here only as long as he works everyday and if he remains sober. He hasn't had any money since the weekend we had to ask him to leave because we found out he had stolen enough stuff from us to be charged with a felony. We got he stuff he pawned back but the stuff he sold outright there was no way to get that back. Anyway, as far as I know he has been sober for 8 days now. He came to my office after work. The first thing out of his mouth was, "I wish I got paid tomorrow." yeah me too! "Do you think you could loan me $30" NO! "Well, I need to find a way to buy the baby some formula" I bought formula last week and took it to them last Tuesday but if he needs formula, I will buy some more but I won't give you money. What else does he need? "A bottle brush" Got one. "Okay, that's cool. I don't need any money then". Okay. He left my office and went outside to take a phone call. On the way to pick up his dad, "I would really like to have some money for the weekend. Could I borrow some money?" No! I just paid $90 on your fine and you owe me that when you get paid on Monday. "oh, well I could pay you the $90 and the $30 on Monday" No, I don't have it. It cost us $600 to get the stuff out of pawn. We are broke. "So, you don't want me to have it or you don't have it?" It doesn't matter does it? I am not giving you any money. Why do you need money anyway? "I wanted to take that girl out to eat" Tell her you are broke and that you will take her next week after you get paid. She is supposedly in recovery. If she knows what addiction is she will understand that you have to pay for things you have done in the past before you can do things now.  Well, you all know that this converstation took many forms before it was over. The thing is, for the first time ever I was able to say no, see through the scam and not feel guilty. He may have found a way to get the drugs that I suspected (well pretty much knew) he was trying to find a way to get but I didn't enable him to get there. So, for today as far as I know he is still sober and probably just as important in my recovery......I passed the test!!!!! :-)