I realize my last post probably sounded a little cruel. Maybe even a lot. I don't know what kind of place my son is in and I am not sure if he needs what they have to offer. The person that spoke to me said that they use behavior modification as a treatment modality. I know very little about that process. I know what behavior modification is but have never seen it in practice.
The little grin was for two reasons; 1) That I believe he manipulated his situation to get out of jail without much thought to where he might end up. So, in my mind, by manipulating the situation you get what you get. 2) I didn't resort to "rescue mommy" mode and immediately see what it would take to get him out of there. That is a HUGE accomplishment for me.
So, if that was the first post that you read of mine, please know that I am not an uncaring mother who is glad my son is suffering (if indeed he is0. I believe whatever he goes through in that facility is a far cry from the suffering that he has been going through for the past 7 years while addicted to opiates.
I hope everyone is having a great weekend. We have sunshine here in Arkansas today and I think we are even going to get above freezing for a few days.
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
From the frying pan into the fire.
I dropped my son's clothes off at his new rehab yesterday. The first thing I heard was a man berating a young woman about why she needed to go to the doctor. I heard kidney infection, you better not come back here with something in your system you didn't go for, why are you crying, what do you want me to do cry with you? Then a whistle......exercise time, exercise time, exercise come. Get in here now, now, now!
I'm thinking that he might have been happier to stay in jail. The mommy in me hated to hear all that, the recovering enabler grinned just a tiny bit as I walked out.
I'm thinking that he might have been happier to stay in jail. The mommy in me hated to hear all that, the recovering enabler grinned just a tiny bit as I walked out.
Wednesday, January 22, 2014
You never really get used to it...
I went to clean out my son's apartment today. I'm glad I had some time with a couple of friends of mine before I went. It made my overall day much nicer.
I only threw up two times. Once when cleaning the dishes out of the kitchen. I didn't wash them I only tried to rinse them off as well as I could with only cold water. At one point I reach in and grabbed a greasy mess of something. That was the first time I got sick.
The second time was in the bathroom. I knew it was bad but I started thinking about how a female, addict or not, could stand using that nasty bathroom. I'm not usually that weak stomached but today was really hard.
I really think that it is cleaner now than when he moved it. That is just my OCD. I can't stand to leave a nasty place behind.
And what is with soot marks through the entire apartment??? Why can't they designate one room to do drugs in? I know, none of it makes sense.
I'm glad I did an initial go through and threw a bunch of stuff away.
I'm just glad this is over. I will not put myself through this again. Pinkie swear!!!!
I only threw up two times. Once when cleaning the dishes out of the kitchen. I didn't wash them I only tried to rinse them off as well as I could with only cold water. At one point I reach in and grabbed a greasy mess of something. That was the first time I got sick.
The second time was in the bathroom. I knew it was bad but I started thinking about how a female, addict or not, could stand using that nasty bathroom. I'm not usually that weak stomached but today was really hard.
I really think that it is cleaner now than when he moved it. That is just my OCD. I can't stand to leave a nasty place behind.
And what is with soot marks through the entire apartment??? Why can't they designate one room to do drugs in? I know, none of it makes sense.
I'm glad I did an initial go through and threw a bunch of stuff away.
I'm just glad this is over. I will not put myself through this again. Pinkie swear!!!!
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Signing on the dotted line.......
I have learned not to co-sign for anything with my son. At least not until he has had some proven sobriety under his belt. Years of proven sobriety!
I co-signed a lease for him back in September when he had a great job and was living in a homeless shelter. When he had the money to pay the first month's rent we agreed to pay the deposit and co-sign the lease so he would be eligible. Within in a month everything went to hell in a hand basket. He was shooting everything he made into his arm and never paid utilities (also in my name) and but for his last annuity check, would not have paid any rent. We insisted that he pay at least through the end of the year and pay us back the month we covered for him. In reality, he only earned money to pay one month's rent. He was drugging up his entire pay check.
We knew that my job was ending at the end of December so we socked away enough to cover January. The landlord has been very accommodating to me. He let me in the apartment to do some cleaning at the first of this month. I let him know then that we weren't sure what was going to happen with our son, he sort of indicated then that he was willing to work with us and my son no matter what the outcome was.
I called him yesterday to let him know that my son was court ordered to long term treatment and would not be coming back to the apartment. I asked to get into the apartment this week to clean it out and get it ready for the next renter. They are going to release me from the lease. Thank goodness. We won't get the deposit back but at least I won't have that black mark on my credit.
Also yesterday, a counselor from the rehab called to ask me about bringing my son's clothes. I explained that I have to work with the landlord to get into the apartment since I don't have a key. Then I added, "Frankly, I am not jumping through hoops to make it happen either" and that I would get them there at some point this week. She said, "I understand. You have already jumped through all of those hoops haven't you?" Yes ma'am and then some!!!!
I hope you are seeing a little sunshine where you are today. Both figuratively and literally!
I co-signed a lease for him back in September when he had a great job and was living in a homeless shelter. When he had the money to pay the first month's rent we agreed to pay the deposit and co-sign the lease so he would be eligible. Within in a month everything went to hell in a hand basket. He was shooting everything he made into his arm and never paid utilities (also in my name) and but for his last annuity check, would not have paid any rent. We insisted that he pay at least through the end of the year and pay us back the month we covered for him. In reality, he only earned money to pay one month's rent. He was drugging up his entire pay check.
We knew that my job was ending at the end of December so we socked away enough to cover January. The landlord has been very accommodating to me. He let me in the apartment to do some cleaning at the first of this month. I let him know then that we weren't sure what was going to happen with our son, he sort of indicated then that he was willing to work with us and my son no matter what the outcome was.
I called him yesterday to let him know that my son was court ordered to long term treatment and would not be coming back to the apartment. I asked to get into the apartment this week to clean it out and get it ready for the next renter. They are going to release me from the lease. Thank goodness. We won't get the deposit back but at least I won't have that black mark on my credit.
Also yesterday, a counselor from the rehab called to ask me about bringing my son's clothes. I explained that I have to work with the landlord to get into the apartment since I don't have a key. Then I added, "Frankly, I am not jumping through hoops to make it happen either" and that I would get them there at some point this week. She said, "I understand. You have already jumped through all of those hoops haven't you?" Yes ma'am and then some!!!!
I hope you are seeing a little sunshine where you are today. Both figuratively and literally!
Saturday, January 18, 2014
Happy 2014
I have been MIA for a minute or two. First thing, does anyone that uses Blogger know how to remove someone from your reading list? I am getting all kinds of advice about things I am not interested in reading from someone but I can't figure out how to hide or delete them.
Okay, here is what has been happening in my life. I had a great holiday with the family that was available to me. I took the law school admission test, LSAT, on January 4th and I did okay. I was the only person in the room wearing reading glasses and I was one of the few in the room who wasn't hyperventilating. I don't think I really want to go to law school but it is nice to know I could get in if I wanted to.
I am unemployed for almost a month and haven't slowed a bit. I thought I would take a couple of weeks to rest and take care of me. I have been taking care of me but I haven't really rested. I have had my grand kids with me on weeknights, I have started cleaning and organizing my house, I have done more reading of things not related to addiction and I have started working out again. I am starting to feel human again. I will have to go back to work in the next month or so doing something but this time has been invaluable for me.
My son managed to convince a rehab to admit him so that he could get out of jail. He had several call me about payment. I told them all that we don't have the money to invest in treatment again. We are still in debt from the last couple of go rounds. I assured them that we love him very much but we have nothing more to give other than that love and hope that he will make a change.
One guy called to ask me about my son's drug history. I recounted it as best I could. He told me he was looking for the truth because my son told him that this was the first time he had been in trouble and he was suspicious that he wasn't being honest. I told him that I was suspicious that my son was only interested in getting out of jail and not so interested in treatment.
Is that wrong? I really think that he is manipulating the system to get out of jail. I don't think he is going to learn anything except he got away with something. I know that he will be on probation and will be drug tested etc. It is just mother's intuition that he is not ready. I HOPE that I am wrong.
He can't have visitors for 30 days. We can write letters but no phone calls. I'm not stressed over that. I didn't go see him in jail.....he didn't even ask that I come visit. I haven't seen him since October right after his birthday. Right after he shot $1000 up.
Since my name is on is lease I will have to talk to the landlord about the lease. I think that they will let me off if I just clean the place up and get it ready for a new renter. After I get out of this I am going to call it a lesson learned. I won't quickly sign my name to anything for my son.
Oh, I forgot....his apartment was broken into and everything of sort of value was taken. It ransacked. I was able to get in by the landlord and look around. There were still some needles there, a couple of capsules that I think contain heroin.
Anyway, today my life is sunny. My son is alive and I have hope that he will take advantage of that.
Take care!!!
Okay, here is what has been happening in my life. I had a great holiday with the family that was available to me. I took the law school admission test, LSAT, on January 4th and I did okay. I was the only person in the room wearing reading glasses and I was one of the few in the room who wasn't hyperventilating. I don't think I really want to go to law school but it is nice to know I could get in if I wanted to.
I am unemployed for almost a month and haven't slowed a bit. I thought I would take a couple of weeks to rest and take care of me. I have been taking care of me but I haven't really rested. I have had my grand kids with me on weeknights, I have started cleaning and organizing my house, I have done more reading of things not related to addiction and I have started working out again. I am starting to feel human again. I will have to go back to work in the next month or so doing something but this time has been invaluable for me.
My son managed to convince a rehab to admit him so that he could get out of jail. He had several call me about payment. I told them all that we don't have the money to invest in treatment again. We are still in debt from the last couple of go rounds. I assured them that we love him very much but we have nothing more to give other than that love and hope that he will make a change.
One guy called to ask me about my son's drug history. I recounted it as best I could. He told me he was looking for the truth because my son told him that this was the first time he had been in trouble and he was suspicious that he wasn't being honest. I told him that I was suspicious that my son was only interested in getting out of jail and not so interested in treatment.
Is that wrong? I really think that he is manipulating the system to get out of jail. I don't think he is going to learn anything except he got away with something. I know that he will be on probation and will be drug tested etc. It is just mother's intuition that he is not ready. I HOPE that I am wrong.
He can't have visitors for 30 days. We can write letters but no phone calls. I'm not stressed over that. I didn't go see him in jail.....he didn't even ask that I come visit. I haven't seen him since October right after his birthday. Right after he shot $1000 up.
Since my name is on is lease I will have to talk to the landlord about the lease. I think that they will let me off if I just clean the place up and get it ready for a new renter. After I get out of this I am going to call it a lesson learned. I won't quickly sign my name to anything for my son.
Oh, I forgot....his apartment was broken into and everything of sort of value was taken. It ransacked. I was able to get in by the landlord and look around. There were still some needles there, a couple of capsules that I think contain heroin.
Anyway, today my life is sunny. My son is alive and I have hope that he will take advantage of that.
Take care!!!
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