Wednesday, October 30, 2013
I got dumped.
He cancelled on me. Said he promised a buddy to go to a meeting with him. I said sure, no problem. Hmmmmmm!
Just for Today
Yesterday my son sent a text to both his dad and me saying that he was out of food and asked if we would either bring him some food or buy a gift card at a grocery store near him. His dad responded before I did and said he would get him a gift card. I would have gone and bought food and taken it to him but Dad responded first so he got the gift card.
Anyway, I spoke to him on the phone briefly after that and told him that I have his winter and fall clothes and will drop them off today before work. He said he was doing better and that he was going to meetings several times a day. I told him that I hoped it was working for him and that I love him.
This morning he sent a text asking if I would drop the clothes off later because he was on his way to a bus stop so that he could be sure and be at a job interview on time. I told him that would be fine and then he asked if I could take some stuff home and wash it for him. He didn't ask for money so he could do it himself. Maybe he is learning.
He also sent a text that said when things are really bad he wishes he could snuggle up next to me on the couch and feel safe like he did when he was little......or move to Australia. I told him that when things are really bad I wish that he was small enough to fit in my pocket so that I could carry him with me every place that I went so that I could make sure he was safe......and if was a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day, then I wish we could both go to Australia. (this comes from a book we used to read together when he was little).
I hope he is back on track. I have read many blogs where parents said that it seemed like their adult children seem to stay out for less and less time each relapse. I am seeing this with my son as well. The fear I think that all of us POAs have is that it only takes one relapse to kill our kids. I guess on the other side of that is that it could take only one relapse for them to realize they don't want to do it again.
For today my son seems to be moving back to the path of life. I pray this is so.
Anyway, I spoke to him on the phone briefly after that and told him that I have his winter and fall clothes and will drop them off today before work. He said he was doing better and that he was going to meetings several times a day. I told him that I hoped it was working for him and that I love him.
This morning he sent a text asking if I would drop the clothes off later because he was on his way to a bus stop so that he could be sure and be at a job interview on time. I told him that would be fine and then he asked if I could take some stuff home and wash it for him. He didn't ask for money so he could do it himself. Maybe he is learning.
He also sent a text that said when things are really bad he wishes he could snuggle up next to me on the couch and feel safe like he did when he was little......or move to Australia. I told him that when things are really bad I wish that he was small enough to fit in my pocket so that I could carry him with me every place that I went so that I could make sure he was safe......and if was a terrible, awful, no good, very bad day, then I wish we could both go to Australia. (this comes from a book we used to read together when he was little).
I hope he is back on track. I have read many blogs where parents said that it seemed like their adult children seem to stay out for less and less time each relapse. I am seeing this with my son as well. The fear I think that all of us POAs have is that it only takes one relapse to kill our kids. I guess on the other side of that is that it could take only one relapse for them to realize they don't want to do it again.
For today my son seems to be moving back to the path of life. I pray this is so.
Monday, October 28, 2013
Should haves suck
I had to got to our storage shed and pull out some warmer clothes. I should have done that over the weekend. Should have should have should have.
A million should haves in my life. They don't change anything about today. Might not have changed anything yesterday either.
Anyway, I saw a box of my son's winter clothes. His coat was laying out. This is so hard.
A million should haves in my life. They don't change anything about today. Might not have changed anything yesterday either.
Anyway, I saw a box of my son's winter clothes. His coat was laying out. This is so hard.
He is still out there.
I got a message from a young woman that my son seems to always hook up with when he is deep in his addiction. She wants to "help" him. She does this by going to his apartment and cleaning for him and buying him food. Probably giving him money as well.
She told me that she stayed with him while he went through withdrawal and "took care of him". She left one morning only to come back and find him high. He is telling her he needs to be back in rehab. I told her that we gave him information and offered a ride if he could get in one. She said she is afraid he will overdose this time. I told her that we were afraid of that too.
I told her that I took him to a psychiatric hospital and he was there 4 days and as soon as he got out and got some money he was using again. I tried to convince her again this time that her focus should be on her and her kids (she has two young kids) not my son. I am wondering who has her kids while she is babysitting my son?
He sent his dad and me a text at 1:30 a.m. We don't check for text messages that late. If you really need to tell me something that late you better call and it better be important. My text just said, "Mom?" and Dad's just said, "Dad?". Later he sent one that asked me to call him when I woke up because he couldn't sleep and that something was eating his insides out. Meth will do that to a person.
I don't want to talk to him right now and I really don't want to see what he looks like. I know he is hurting, I know he doesn't like himself at all right now. I also know that there is not a damn thing I can do about it. This is his to take care of. I have to take care of myself and I know if I spoke to him or saw him that I would sprial back to a place that I don't ever want to go back to again.
I love him dearly and if I thought there was ANYTHING that I could do to fix him I would have done it years ago. It hurts to feel some helpless and not in control. I wish that a Power Ranger band aide would make it all better I'd buy a case of them.
I am holding on to hope. I read Ron's blog and see that his son is 3 years sober now, has a job, has a home and a family. I have hope that one day my son will have those things too.
She told me that she stayed with him while he went through withdrawal and "took care of him". She left one morning only to come back and find him high. He is telling her he needs to be back in rehab. I told her that we gave him information and offered a ride if he could get in one. She said she is afraid he will overdose this time. I told her that we were afraid of that too.
I told her that I took him to a psychiatric hospital and he was there 4 days and as soon as he got out and got some money he was using again. I tried to convince her again this time that her focus should be on her and her kids (she has two young kids) not my son. I am wondering who has her kids while she is babysitting my son?
He sent his dad and me a text at 1:30 a.m. We don't check for text messages that late. If you really need to tell me something that late you better call and it better be important. My text just said, "Mom?" and Dad's just said, "Dad?". Later he sent one that asked me to call him when I woke up because he couldn't sleep and that something was eating his insides out. Meth will do that to a person.
I don't want to talk to him right now and I really don't want to see what he looks like. I know he is hurting, I know he doesn't like himself at all right now. I also know that there is not a damn thing I can do about it. This is his to take care of. I have to take care of myself and I know if I spoke to him or saw him that I would sprial back to a place that I don't ever want to go back to again.
I love him dearly and if I thought there was ANYTHING that I could do to fix him I would have done it years ago. It hurts to feel some helpless and not in control. I wish that a Power Ranger band aide would make it all better I'd buy a case of them.
I am holding on to hope. I read Ron's blog and see that his son is 3 years sober now, has a job, has a home and a family. I have hope that one day my son will have those things too.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Another opportunity to say I love you.
My son saw his dad's vehicle in town last night and sent me a text to ask me what he was doing.
He was at a music venue to watch a friend of ours perform. I was pooped out after two days with my grandson so I stayed home.
I told him that his dad told me that he was trying to get back into rehab and I told him that I hoped it worked out for him. I also told him that I know that he has been sick and hurting and that I am sorry but to hang on because the detox should be almost over. I told him I love him and that if I thought there was anything I could do to take it all away and make things different I would.
He said he knew this and that he loves me too.
He was at a music venue to watch a friend of ours perform. I was pooped out after two days with my grandson so I stayed home.
I told him that his dad told me that he was trying to get back into rehab and I told him that I hoped it worked out for him. I also told him that I know that he has been sick and hurting and that I am sorry but to hang on because the detox should be almost over. I told him I love him and that if I thought there was anything I could do to take it all away and make things different I would.
He said he knew this and that he loves me too.
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
He doesn't need our help.
My son texted his dad today and told him he had someone who could help him get back into the rehab he finished in the spring.
I pray that is true.
I pray that is true.
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
I called it!
I'm not happy that I called it but I did. My son blew through $1000 in 4 days. Now he has no money and no job. He is at his apartment and is dope sick. I don't want to see it again.
He sent me a series of texts last night telling me that he doesn't know how he manages to get himself in the same mess over and over again. He always thinks he can control it. I reminded him that admitting he can't control it is the very first step.
He sounded pretty disgusted with himself. I reminded him that he has all the tools necessary to make a change in his life. He has to decide first whether or not he wants a life or to just continue on the path he is on. I told him that I don't have the answers for him and he will have to determine what those answers are for himself. I suggested two things, contact his AA family and to call the rehab he completed last spring to see if they would readmit him. Other than that I only offered that I love him and that I have hope that he will find his way.
His dad contacted him today and he is begging for us to get him into a rehab because he is sick. Most won't accept him if he is going through withdrawl. More importantly most won't accept him without $$$ up front. Our insurance won't pay for detox unless there are other issues.
I suggested to his dad that we call the police and have them do a safety check. They would find paraphernalia and probably drugs in the apartment. He has unpaid fines and this would lead to jail. He could detox there. Dad wasn't ready to do that yet. If he starts making threats to hurt himself again we will make the call.
Here is where I am at with the whole rehab thing at this point, I think he should take some responsibity for making the phone calls and finding a place. I am willing to provide the phone numbers and give him a ride. I'd probably even poney up the money. I am just so tired of the whole merry-go-round.
He sent me a series of texts last night telling me that he doesn't know how he manages to get himself in the same mess over and over again. He always thinks he can control it. I reminded him that admitting he can't control it is the very first step.
He sounded pretty disgusted with himself. I reminded him that he has all the tools necessary to make a change in his life. He has to decide first whether or not he wants a life or to just continue on the path he is on. I told him that I don't have the answers for him and he will have to determine what those answers are for himself. I suggested two things, contact his AA family and to call the rehab he completed last spring to see if they would readmit him. Other than that I only offered that I love him and that I have hope that he will find his way.
His dad contacted him today and he is begging for us to get him into a rehab because he is sick. Most won't accept him if he is going through withdrawl. More importantly most won't accept him without $$$ up front. Our insurance won't pay for detox unless there are other issues.
I suggested to his dad that we call the police and have them do a safety check. They would find paraphernalia and probably drugs in the apartment. He has unpaid fines and this would lead to jail. He could detox there. Dad wasn't ready to do that yet. If he starts making threats to hurt himself again we will make the call.
Here is where I am at with the whole rehab thing at this point, I think he should take some responsibity for making the phone calls and finding a place. I am willing to provide the phone numbers and give him a ride. I'd probably even poney up the money. I am just so tired of the whole merry-go-round.
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