Chaos

My son came into town to see his son, supposedly, over the weekend. He stayed at our house and he took advantage of the time in town to go and sign the divorce papers.

I tried to keep a positive outlook with the knowledge that he was going to be in town and in my house for two nights but I had a huge amount of anxiety all week last week. It was not something that I was looking forward to at all and for that there was just a smidge of guilt.

My grandson was at my house from Thursday evening until this morning. I love that little guy. He is my primary concern in all of this. Which is probably one reason I have been so pissed off since the minute my son walked in the door on Saturday morning at 1:30 a.m. after his dad picked him up at the bus station.

When they arrived back at our house there was a strange truck in the driveway. Guess what? My son went to the truck and my husband watched and felt pretty certain that there was a drug deal going on. I guess in retrospect we should have just called the police. Anyway, I got up at 4:30 a.m. because he was making a lot of noise in the kitchen. I told him to just go to bed. It was pretty obvious the he was drunk and/or high. When I got up at 7:30 with the baby my son was crouched sitting up in the fetal position on the kitchen floor. I ordered him out of the room because I didn't want the baby to see him like that.

When he finally woke up several hours later he told me that he had "just" been drinking. He said that he and the guy in the driveway went to a podunk bar in another town. My husband said that the son didn't leave with the guy.

He was the same lidded, nodding off self that he was the weekend before he moved away. When I was leaving to taking him back to the bus station on Sunday I asked my husband to take the bedding off his bed and put the mattress outside. Awhile back, a couple of you guys wrote about the awful smell that a heroin addict has. Lord have mercy! It was awful. In that process he found a two needles and a spoon in a bag in the room my son slept in. This is the same room that my grandson keeps his toys in!!! I wanted to harm my son at that moment. What if my grandson found that needle and spoon!?

The only good thing my son did this weekend is sign the divorce papers. In the papers my husband and I have the right to exercise visitation even if my son doesn't or can't. That is a rare thing in our state. I feel blessed to have that in writing. The visitation is to be supervised if/when it happens by my husband and/or myself. I was also named the executor of a annuity that will be paid to my grandson upon my son's 25th birthday.

He called his dad when he arrived in the town he resides in at 11:30 last night and said that his bag was lost along the way. What did he expect us to do? We speculate that he was passed out on the bus and that they had to wake him up to get him off and someone walked off with his bag....Whatever! That is something he is going to have to deal with.

I told my son that if he comes back into town that he needs to find a different place to stay. He can't stay at our house again. I can't deal with the chaos he brings just by walking through the door.

My husband and I will be okay. I just really haven't had time to decompress from all of this yet...

Praying for us all.

D-Day

My daughter-in-law is filing for divorce today. It is the right thing to do. She needs closure and permission to go on with her life. My grandson needs something in writing about child support,  visitation and custody. He has a right to the insurance settlement check my son will be getting in a couple of years. My son needs to provide for his son and if that takes a court order so be it.

I really don't think the divorce will change my relationship with her. We have developed this sort of odd friendship and trust through the whole ordeal. I suggested an attorney for her to use and I am paying part of the fees. How weird is that? I have told her that I don't "throw people away".  Just because her relationship with my son didn't work out doesn't mean I automatically stopped loving her.

I know my relationship with my grandson won't change. She may move away with him at some point but I think she understands how important the bond between us is to us both and will continue to allow me the privilege of being a part of his life.

Still, I can't help but feel a little sad today. I guess I will own it at get through it.

Praying for us all today.

Hey Mom! Hate to ask you this but....

My son just sent me a message on Face Book asking if I would "float him a loan" and he would pay me back when he gets paid. Supposedly he and his business partner need to have some tickets for a show they are promoting shipped to them and they are short on cash. He says they need $200 to get them through. I didn't commit and just said I would have to talk to his dad about it.

Now I am sitting here thinking that I should have just said NO! I just bought the grandson new shoes and will be paying the child support that his dad doesn't pay on Friday. I really don't mind doing those things but to do those things and send my son money to be used for....well, we know most likely what it will be used for.

Thanks for letting me process here. I already know the answer and will let him know. At least I have gotten past the point of writing the check without question!

Serendipity

I have always loved that word! It sort of explains my day today. I woke up feeling horrid, the kind of horrid that you know will get better as the day goes on if you tough it out. I decided to be a wimp and call in sick. Then I went back to bed.

Serendipity comes in later when my daughter comes to me crying about a friend of hers that has started using needles and recently stole some CDs from her that she had borrowed from another friend. This opened a dialogue that we have needed to have for several months.

I think it was worth a sick day.

:-)

Can a whole can of LYSOL spray kill the addiction germ?

Yeah, I know it can't but I just had an OCD moment!

When my grandson comes to visit he sleeps in the room that his dad used to inhabit. While I was trying to get him to go to sleep the last time he was here I noticed a blood splatter on the ceiling and I promised myself that I would remove it before Little Man came to visit the next time. Well, that is tomorrow. Tonight I got the white paint and covered the stain. That wasn't good enough. Then I sorted his toys, took his winter clothes and put them away, removed the last few things that belonged to his dad, put all the bedding in the laundry, dusted everything even the ceiling fan. I cleaned the floors, wiped down the blinds and window sills. Then I used a whole can of disinfectant spray on the mattress, the blinds, toys the walls, ceiling fan, closets, and finally the ceiling.

By the end I was sitting on the edge of the bed sobbing my  eyes out. I am okay now but for a few minutes I wasn't sure.

Praying for all of us right now!

Here I Am

I have spent a lot of time over the past several months mourning the little boy that I raised who grew up to be a drug addict. I still love both of them more than I can ever express to either of them. I also miss them both with all my heart! Not the addict so much but the man I know he could be.

My husband is having a really hard time right now. He was the hard ass through every thing that we have all been through in the past several years. He never gave himself permission to mourn the boy we will never have back. I'm not sure how to support him.

I am okay with where I am at. I take care of my business, try not to worry about the business of everyone else and fumble through each day the best I can.

I guess my husband's journey is his. I have to let him travel it. I'll hug him when he will let me and hand him a tissue when needed.

Addictions sucks for everyone!

On a fun note, my grandson was here this weekend and he "helped"with the flower beds. Here is a picture after only a few minutes and we are not even half way done. Love that little boy!

Changing my address from Crazy Town to Serenity City

For a lot of years, 8 now to be exact, I have been in crisis mode with my son. He started using at the age of 15 and it was pretty much Crazy Town at my house anytime he was there. We always knew that it was just a matter of time before some kind of insanity ensued. For those years I let his addiction determine my schedule. If I had plans for the weekend and he screwed up then I cancelled the plans to deal with his screw up. If I planned to work out after work and he was having a melt down, I'd cancel my plans to go council him. I re-worked my work schedule so many times to get him to GED classes when he dropped out of high school, doctor's appointments, ER trips, counseling, court, probation appointments. We all know this routine too well.

In the past several months I have begun to realize that I have let so much of my life go in order to deal with his life. I don't go to lunch with friends anymore, don't often join my co-workers for lunch, don't call my sisters as much, and don't join in any kind of group activities. I am working on that now.

My husband I have joined a church that is very involved in community service and it feels good to be involved in something that gives to others in a positive way. We enjoy talking about what we are going to do in two years when we get some bills paid off. I am planning my flower garden for the spring and summer. If I get invited to join co-workers for lunch I force myself to go even when I am really not in the mood. I always feel better afterward. My sisters and I are planning a trip this fall to run the Route 66 half marathon in Tulsa. I am working on getting a room fixed up for my grandson. I've started running again and even bought a cool new pair of running shoes. I take time to read books that aren't on the topic of addiction.

See none of those things include my son at all! I think back to all of the days, weeks and months that all, I mean every bit of my time was spent trying to figure out a way to fix my son and I think, "How crazy is that?".

I don't want to live in Crazy Town anymore. Time to move on.

Praying for us all today.