Happy Birthday to Him and Happy Day to Me

My dad's family reunion was this weekend. I don't mean just my grandmother, her kids and their kids and their kids. There were people there that I didn't have a clue who they were. The only obvious thing were the family traits. Hair lines, nose, height, stomachs that pooch out over the belt line, loud voices, hugs all around regardless. It was fun.

It was also my son's 24th birthday. He is now the same age I was the day he was born. I drove 3 hours picked my dad up and then we drove 2 hours to pick my son up. We drove back roads of Arkansas to get to the "family farm". We laughed, we told stories, we were all sober! My son met my grandmother as an adult. My aunts fawned over my son, telling him and me how handsome he is. He really was handsome that day. I wish I had a video of him talking to my grandmother to share with you. He did all the right things and made her very happy.

We left the reunion and traveled two and half hours to my dad's  house. I made my son his favorite meal for his birthday.....chicken and dumplings. All three of us enjoyed it. The next morning I made biscuits and gravy...another favorite of my son's.

His aunts came over before lunch time and we laughed a lot. My mom is Arizona and will be home in a few weeks. We helped paint her kitchen as a welcome home gift for her. It was lots of fun.

I wish times with my son could always be like this. It was good to see him sober and happy. It was good to see him enjoy his family and bask in their love for him. I pray that it will be this way again one day.

I dropped him off at my uncle's house on Sunday. He complained about going there. I asked if it was better than being homeless? He answered that it is.

I am just so happy that he made it to  24, there were times that I thought he wouldn't. I pray that he will make it to 25 and be sober and healthy and be able to bask in the love of his family again.

Peace to us all.............

Earning the right to be taken at your word.

Before the latest episode with my son I had given some consideration to letting him get a ride with me to visit friends in another state. My sisters and I had plans to go to that particular city for a sister's weekend so, what would it hurt?

I was a little apprehensive but was willing to do it because it is also my son's birthday weekend. After the he used in my home only 24 hours after getting there, I changed my mind. I told him that I wanted to be able to go away with my sisters and not have to worry about what he would be doing and whether or not he would be where he needed to be when it was time to leave. I just was not comfortable with the whole idea any longer.

He said, "Mom, you wouldn't have anything to worry about."

To which I replied, "You have not earned the right to tell me that I wouldn't have to worry and have me believe it."

It is sad but I don't think I will ever be able to take him at his word again. I feel like my guard goes up everytime he opens his mouth. I gauge and measure every word he says to me to try and filter out the truth from the lies, the genuine from the manipulation.

Peace to us all.

Another Lost Mom

I blogged awhile back about talking with a friend of my daughter's about her recent stay in a rehab facility in California. She had only be home for a couple of weeks and was contemplating what her next move would be. Her thought was that she would go to a sober living facility, get a job and keep working her program. 

She never made it. My daughter called me on Monday as I was about to board a plane for a meeting in another state and told me that this young woman's mom was going to call me for advice. Apparently she had contacted my daughter to find out if she knew where her daughter was. She was upset so my daughter suggested she contact me. This is not a topic I want to be the "expert" on.

I talked to the mom for a few minutes before I had to turn my phone off. Her daughter has been gone for several days and she hasn't had contact with her. This mom is looking for a way to help her daughter. I told her I would contact her late that day after I got to my destination. I told her that I don't have answers, I can just listen and share with her some of the ways I try to stay sane.

We made a date for lunch today. I am guessing that she won't call. If she does I know that the only thing I can tell her is that she needs to find a way to take care of herself and that her daughter will have to do the same thing. She needs to learn as much as possible about addiction. Read everything she can get her hands on. Maybe I will even direct her to the blogosphere. I know this is what has helped me the most. I loaded up my books on addiction and co-dependency and printed a list of Al-Anon meetings in her area to give her if she is receptive.

I hate this! I hate that drugs deprive of us of our children and deprive our children of their lives. Please add this mom to your prayers.


Update:
My intuition was right. She called around 2:00 and left a message with several reasons why she couldn't go today. I'll text or email her tomorrow.

Experiments

 My grandson has celebrated two birthdays so far in his life. The top picture is him with his dad at the first birthday party. The bottom is of them at the second birthday party. Can any of you guess besides the baby being a year older and a year bigger what the difference is in the two pictures?

Ding, ding, ding, you are correct!!!! The photo on the top is when dad was at his peak of drug use just before he entered rehab about a month later. The second is after 30 + days clean and that much time working hard outside doing construction.

While it was very, very good to see my son clear eyed and healthy after 4 months of not seeing him at all, it wasn't to last.

I picked him up on Friday afternoon to bring him to our house for the birthday party. I had a meeting on that side of the state so it was convenient to swing by and pick him up. The trim, tan and toned young man was not the one who left my house after a one hour visit the first of June. He looked like a man instead of a drug dazed zombie. He looked like my son.

He had just gotten paid and asked that I take him by the bank to cash his check. He counted out $750. That was for one week of work. He started talking about what he was going to do at the end of December when the job they are working on is done. He said he might buy a truck, move to my parents home and get a job until he can save enough to move out. That sounded great to me because that meant that he wasn't planning on moving back to our side of the state.

Later in the car ride he told me that he planned to go and visit a friend whose brother was just killed in Afghanistan. He went to school with them both and got into trouble with them both. My stomach sank. He asked what was wrong and I told him that he has a bunch of cash, he is going to a place with triggers all around, and now he is talking about leaving the house and that worries me greatly. He offered to let me hold the money. I agreed to put it in our lock box. He re-thought that and said that he just wanted to prove to me that he could handle it. I agreed. Thinking to myself that whatever happens happens and he knows the consequences.

Sure enough, about an hour after the birthday party was over and all the family members were headed back home, a friend of his shows up. Within 30 minutes he was in the bathroom for a longer than usual time, then his voice is slurring, eyes lidded. His sister said that he looked high, I told my husband that he looked high to me. Husband disagreed but later in the evening admitted that I was right. Of course the next day he was still slow and his voice was soft and still slurred. I looked in the bathroom and saw soot, a blood splatter and a rolled up piece of cotton. It didn't take much more than that for me to know for sure.

While he was "napping" on the sofa right before time to take him back, I went through his wallet and there was only $257 left from his pay check. He legitimately spent some of it on his son for birthday presents, probably less than $100. The rest he spent on cigarettes, pot and opiates.

I went into his duffel bag and found the needle and two burned spoons and about a half ounce of pot. SIGH!! He realized they were gone and asked me why I went through his stuff. I just responded that we both know why. I was calm, refused to be provoked. I told him that I wasn't going to talk about it and that he needed to get his stuff together so we could leave.

He did and we got in the car and we are headed out for our 3 hour journey....one way.

Him: We had a good weekend!
Me: Yes, we did.
Long silence
Him: So what happens next?
Me: That is up to you.
Him: What does that mean?
Me: You can either continue to use or you can make the choice not to.
Long silence
Him: Are you going to keep me from seeing my son?
Me: No, but you will not be able to stay at my house overnight anymore. You will have to find somewhere else to stay. You can see him from morning until he goes to bed then you will have to leave. If you are high or feel like you need to use you will have to leave.
Him: What if I don't have to use?
Me: We already did that experiment and it didn't work. You will have to find another place to sleep next time you come to see him.

There was much more to that conversation bu that is the jest of it. When we got to my uncle's house I got out and helped him get his stuff out of the car, gave him a big hug and told him that I love him. He sent me a text later telling me that he was so angry at himself and that he loved me. I told him that I love him too.

I am just very thankful that we had a couple of good days. I hope this was a blip on the radar and does not turn into a full blown relapse. It is funny when you really don't have expectations for how things should turn out the disappointment level is a lot lower than it is when  you do.

I hope you all have a great week. I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers.

No Place is Private When an Addict Lives in Your Home

I took a few days off from work...okay 7 days!!! I can't remember the last time I allowed myself that luxury just to do stuff I wanted to do.

So, I took off work and began immediately to WORK around the house. But that is different because I will be so happy to have stuff in some sort of order at least for little while.

I cleaned out the closet in my bedroom. I mean there is nothing in there at all right now. I am thinking about painting and re-doing the floor.

What does that have to do with the title of this post? In a corner of my closet I found a burned candle, when I moved some stuff off the shelves I found soot marks and finger prints and a dirty needle on the top shelf pushed to the back. I had to have a chair to get up there to clean and that how I found it.

My guess is when my son lived here with his now ex-wife he figured that my room was a place he could use an not get caught. I often wondered why he chose to use our master bath instead of the one nearer their room.

We live and learn I guess.........

It Was Bound to Happen

I knew this day would come sooner or later. My grandson's mom is pregnant with her current boyfriend's baby. She is only 21 and this baby making is a family tradition for her. I was hoping that she was seeing a different way of living and gaining self-esteem. She and I are close and I am scared for her. I am not sure she is happy about this. They are engaged now. Neither can support themselves. I wanted more for her than this.

Enough of that!!!  Just praying it all works out and that my grandson doesn't suffer. It could be the perfect thing. I don't know. I need to practice letting go and letting God take over.

SIGH!!!

Week Three

This is starting the third week with my son at my uncle's home. He is working everyday digging post  holes and carrying lumber. This is the most physically demanding job he has ever had.

I have only spoken to him a couple of times. We text a couple of times a week. He seems to be feeling good and seems to be proud that he made this choice. Of course the only other choice he had was to stay on the streets where he was.

I am happy that he is alive. This is different for me than any other time that he has tried to get straight. I have zero expectations. I have hope that he will succeed...and yes, I believe that he can do this. If he doesn't....well, he knows what the consequence will be. He will be homeless and will not have contact with us until he does get sober.

This is a pretty calm place to be right now.