He says he is done, he says he needs something different, he says he is tired. He says he needs to slow down.
I said that he can't come back here, I said that I won't pay for him to get back here, I told him that I am glad that he knows he needs something different. I told him that I love him and that I know he will make the right choice for him.
I know that I did the right thing.
Peace to you all.
Friday, August 10, 2012
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Looking Back
Really we shouldn't look back I guess but I just spent a minute looking at my blog posts for this time last year. I had only been blogging for about 3 months at that time. When reading my reactions to the situation with my son I almost don't recognize myself.
I was in a terrible world of heartbreak. I can see that I was trying to control the disease and "fix" my son. I felt responsible for everything and everyone involved. My son's addiction consumed me. If it weren't for the guidance of some very straight forward speaking blogging family I don't know that I would have made it through those months.
I have said thank you before and I want to say it again today. Thank you all for commenting and offering your own experiences to me. I have grown through my recovery, today I feel more in control of myself and my emotions. I have learned how to say no and mean it. With your help, I have learned that I can love my son and do nothing to save him because that is not my job...that work belongs to him.
Peace for us all.
I was in a terrible world of heartbreak. I can see that I was trying to control the disease and "fix" my son. I felt responsible for everything and everyone involved. My son's addiction consumed me. If it weren't for the guidance of some very straight forward speaking blogging family I don't know that I would have made it through those months.
I have said thank you before and I want to say it again today. Thank you all for commenting and offering your own experiences to me. I have grown through my recovery, today I feel more in control of myself and my emotions. I have learned how to say no and mean it. With your help, I have learned that I can love my son and do nothing to save him because that is not my job...that work belongs to him.
Peace for us all.
Monday, August 6, 2012
SURPRISE! Not really.....
My son had talked about coming to visit his son this past weekend. Other than to say that was his plan he didn't do anything else to make it happen. He may have thought I would come through with money for a bus or plane ticket. I didn't.
He did call and get to hear his son playing at our house on Saturday and again on Sunday. He ended both calls in tears. He says that he misses his son so much that he plans to move back to our area. I'm not sure how he plans to do that. It really isn't my business is it?
I know that he misses his son. I didn't take this opportunity to say, "You made the choices that got you where you are and now you have to deal with it". I didn't even want to say those things. It is pretty apparent that he is hurting enough without me adding to it. There is no doubt in my mind that he knows that he is responsible for where he is. The only thing I said was, "I know you will make the best decision for you". I also let him know that I love him.
I think the old me would have bought a ticket or would have driven 5 hours to pick him up and 5 hours to bring him here. That isn't my responsibility. I would love for him to have a relationship with his son, he has to want that too and be willing to work for it. He has been resourceful in finding ways to get to music festivals and finding drugs or booze. If he wants to see his son he will find the way to do it. I believe it will mean more to him if he works it out on his own.
Praying for all of yours and you.
He did call and get to hear his son playing at our house on Saturday and again on Sunday. He ended both calls in tears. He says that he misses his son so much that he plans to move back to our area. I'm not sure how he plans to do that. It really isn't my business is it?
I know that he misses his son. I didn't take this opportunity to say, "You made the choices that got you where you are and now you have to deal with it". I didn't even want to say those things. It is pretty apparent that he is hurting enough without me adding to it. There is no doubt in my mind that he knows that he is responsible for where he is. The only thing I said was, "I know you will make the best decision for you". I also let him know that I love him.
I think the old me would have bought a ticket or would have driven 5 hours to pick him up and 5 hours to bring him here. That isn't my responsibility. I would love for him to have a relationship with his son, he has to want that too and be willing to work for it. He has been resourceful in finding ways to get to music festivals and finding drugs or booze. If he wants to see his son he will find the way to do it. I believe it will mean more to him if he works it out on his own.
Praying for all of yours and you.
Sunday, July 29, 2012
Granny X 2
I can't tell any of my DNA related family this yet but I think I can get away with telling you guys. My oldest son and his wife are going to have a baby!!!! They have been married 6 years and have been trying to have a baby for the last 3 years. I am so happy for them and excited to be a granny to two kiddos!
Happy Sunday!
Happy Sunday!
Monday, July 16, 2012
It's been a little bit.
I really haven't had a lot of contact with my son lately. I'll get a text or a message on Facebook but I seldom speak to him on the phone. If I am not in the mood to talk to him I just don't answer the phone. It has been almost two full months since I saw him last. As far as I know he is still living out of state.
The last crisis he had was typical for him. He lost his job, was living with some guy, and had taken a job doing some painting for a woman. The crisis occurred when the friend supposedly was asking him to move out and the lady wasn't paying him for his work. He said he had nothing to eat and soon no place to live.....etc. I told him that coming back to our home wasn't an option. I told him that he is very resourceful and that he knows people all over the country and suggested that he start talking to some of them that do have jobs and might have a lead for him. I offered to contact my uncle who is in construction (who is in recovery after many, many mishaps and lost relationships) if he had any work for him. I did contact my uncle who did not hesitate to offer him work and place to stay even after hearing about his drug addiction.
I guess kiddo got to thinking about working out in the sun for long hours every single day and got busy finding another job. He is now supposedly working in a bar as a server. Not an ideal location for an addict to be working, or maybe it is the perfect place for an addict to be working. I guess it depends on whose view point you are looking at it from. The job with my uncle would have gotten him closer to his child and he would have had a place to stay and food to eat. To me this is a sign that he isn't ready yet to work on another way of life.
In the past week he has started talk about coming to visit his son. I know without a doubt that during his sober moments that he misses him terribly. I told him that he would have to finance the trip this time. I paid for the bus ticket the last time he came for more than a few hours and that didn't work out very well for any of us. If he does manage to get to town I think I will take my friend Ron's advice and put him in a hotel and allow him only to visit a prescribed amount of time each day he is in town. My opinion is that will be money well spent and the best thing for my mental health. I can't rest when he is in my house. I know I don't have to explain that to any of you who have lived with an addict in your home.
Anyway, this is what is going on with him as far as I know. He says he isn't using, but I suspect that he is.
On a more happy note, I was able to have my grandson at my house all weekend!! I took him to daycare this morning. I will miss him until I see him again but on the other hand, Granny could use some rest!
Hope you all have a good week. I have you all in my thoughts and prayers.
The last crisis he had was typical for him. He lost his job, was living with some guy, and had taken a job doing some painting for a woman. The crisis occurred when the friend supposedly was asking him to move out and the lady wasn't paying him for his work. He said he had nothing to eat and soon no place to live.....etc. I told him that coming back to our home wasn't an option. I told him that he is very resourceful and that he knows people all over the country and suggested that he start talking to some of them that do have jobs and might have a lead for him. I offered to contact my uncle who is in construction (who is in recovery after many, many mishaps and lost relationships) if he had any work for him. I did contact my uncle who did not hesitate to offer him work and place to stay even after hearing about his drug addiction.
I guess kiddo got to thinking about working out in the sun for long hours every single day and got busy finding another job. He is now supposedly working in a bar as a server. Not an ideal location for an addict to be working, or maybe it is the perfect place for an addict to be working. I guess it depends on whose view point you are looking at it from. The job with my uncle would have gotten him closer to his child and he would have had a place to stay and food to eat. To me this is a sign that he isn't ready yet to work on another way of life.
In the past week he has started talk about coming to visit his son. I know without a doubt that during his sober moments that he misses him terribly. I told him that he would have to finance the trip this time. I paid for the bus ticket the last time he came for more than a few hours and that didn't work out very well for any of us. If he does manage to get to town I think I will take my friend Ron's advice and put him in a hotel and allow him only to visit a prescribed amount of time each day he is in town. My opinion is that will be money well spent and the best thing for my mental health. I can't rest when he is in my house. I know I don't have to explain that to any of you who have lived with an addict in your home.
Anyway, this is what is going on with him as far as I know. He says he isn't using, but I suspect that he is.
On a more happy note, I was able to have my grandson at my house all weekend!! I took him to daycare this morning. I will miss him until I see him again but on the other hand, Granny could use some rest!
Hope you all have a good week. I have you all in my thoughts and prayers.
Tuesday, July 10, 2012
Swapping Stories
In addition to embracing the empty nest idea today, I also had the opportunity to talk to one of my daughter's friends who recently left rehab and is headed to a sober living facility.
She knows about my son and she knows I know about her. Both are opiate addicts. We shared some things and then she said, "It is really weird that my family feels on guard when I am around. My sister bought a safe and locks all her stuff up when I am there". I told her that I have a safe because if of my son. She said that she hates that they feel that way now that she is sober. I told her that it would take a while for them to trust her again but that she could earn that back.
I also told her that I feel like it is my duty as parent to lock my stuff up, not to protect my stuff but to protect my son. I don't want to put temptation out there for him. She thought about that for a minute and nodded her head at me. I have known her since she was eleven. She is 19 now.
She is a beautiful young women who knows way too much about the world for someone her age.
I'll pray for her tonight extra and continue to pray for all of ours.
She knows about my son and she knows I know about her. Both are opiate addicts. We shared some things and then she said, "It is really weird that my family feels on guard when I am around. My sister bought a safe and locks all her stuff up when I am there". I told her that I have a safe because if of my son. She said that she hates that they feel that way now that she is sober. I told her that it would take a while for them to trust her again but that she could earn that back.
I also told her that I feel like it is my duty as parent to lock my stuff up, not to protect my stuff but to protect my son. I don't want to put temptation out there for him. She thought about that for a minute and nodded her head at me. I have known her since she was eleven. She is 19 now.
She is a beautiful young women who knows way too much about the world for someone her age.
I'll pray for her tonight extra and continue to pray for all of ours.
The Sparrow has Left the Nest
My 19 year old daughter has moved into an apartment with a friend 3 hours from here. This is the first time she has tried living "on her own". We agreed to help her out for 3 months, in the mean time she is to find a job and start paying her own way. Unless she decides she is ready to go back to school in which case we will be more than happy to contribute.
She has been gone a month. She has never been away that long before. I told my mom that I really am not missing her yet because she has been able to torment me from afar. LOL She is so funny. She called one night to say that they don't have Internet and she doesn't understand why. I asked if they were paying for it and I got silence. I informed her that it isn't free and that you had to pay a monthly charge for that. "Ohhhhh." was her response.
I received a text from her this week saying that all she has had to eat in a week was Ra men noodles and maybe this living away from home thing wasn't as luxurious has she thought it would be. I responded by telling her that there is really nothing luxurious about being poor.
I love my daughter to pieces and it is really kind of fun watching her learn her way around. Of course she wants it all yesterday. She is after all the baby of the family and pretty much has had everything she wanted handed to her on whatever color platter she asked for.
I think if it weren't for the things that I have learned in dealing with my son's addiction that I would have swooped down already, packed her little self up and brought her home. That super mom cape has be retired. I am willing to see her struggle in order to become self sufficient and proud of herself.
I haven't figured out yet what everyone talks about when they talk about the empty nest syndrome. I am kind of diggin not having kids at home. Just sayin'. :-)
Happy Tuesday to you all.
She has been gone a month. She has never been away that long before. I told my mom that I really am not missing her yet because she has been able to torment me from afar. LOL She is so funny. She called one night to say that they don't have Internet and she doesn't understand why. I asked if they were paying for it and I got silence. I informed her that it isn't free and that you had to pay a monthly charge for that. "Ohhhhh." was her response.
I received a text from her this week saying that all she has had to eat in a week was Ra men noodles and maybe this living away from home thing wasn't as luxurious has she thought it would be. I responded by telling her that there is really nothing luxurious about being poor.
I love my daughter to pieces and it is really kind of fun watching her learn her way around. Of course she wants it all yesterday. She is after all the baby of the family and pretty much has had everything she wanted handed to her on whatever color platter she asked for.
I think if it weren't for the things that I have learned in dealing with my son's addiction that I would have swooped down already, packed her little self up and brought her home. That super mom cape has be retired. I am willing to see her struggle in order to become self sufficient and proud of herself.
I haven't figured out yet what everyone talks about when they talk about the empty nest syndrome. I am kind of diggin not having kids at home. Just sayin'. :-)
Happy Tuesday to you all.
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