You know how you can tell an addict is lying?????

A recovering addict asked me that question one time and of course the answer was, "their lips are moving". I saw this again this past weekend with my son. He was at our house to visit with his son. He had been there only long enough to "go get coffee" with his new female friend and then take a shower, when he started nodding off. Of course it was just because he was tired. He hadn't had much sleep all week but when I spoke to him on the phone the night before he said he had slept for 12 hours the previous night. So which was the truth? Who cares really? He probably used when he was in the bathroom taking a shower. Needless to say, he didn't get much of a visit with my grandson. He can't be there when he is high. He blew it....again.

I am wondering if they really think we are stupid. We don't know what they look like when they are high after all this time. Tiny pupils, slurred words, lidded eyes, nodding off mid-sentence.

I am not even angry with him - he is an addict that is what addicts do when they are actively using. I am more angry with myself for letting him back in my house. I guess I need to re-charge my power shield and put it back in place.

I pray that one day he will get to the place he needs to be. I'll pray for your kids too.

How Big is Your Higher Power

My sixth grade teacher asked me how big my God was because I was worried about something that might or might not happen. She asked me if he was weak and tiny or big and strong. Even at the age of twelve the question made me stop and think. How big is my God?

I have carried that with me for a long while now and I still have to stop and ask myself that question when I start trying to control and manipulate situations. Am I so arrogant that I think that I am smarter, stronger, more loving that my God?  So sure that I know more about the plan that the universe has for my son than God does?

How big is my God? Big enough to keep me and my son safe? Big enough and strong enough to trust to know the bigger plan? Big enough to take over if I can be trusting enough to get out of the way and let go and let God?

That teacher passed away this year. She challenged me in many ways but the day she challenged me to define my faith in my higher power probably was one of the most important. Thank you Mrs. Hawk.

And the beat goes on....

Today is my grandson's first birthday! He was at our house yesterday to celebrate. His dad, great-grand parents, uncle, aunt, and his dad's new "friend" and her baby were here too. We had a great afternoon. I think he enjoyed the cake. I love that little boy!

Limits

I wish that somewhere it was written in stone that in order to have serenity we all must abide by a prescribed set of limits and these limits were the same for every person and every family. I am beginning to see that is is more about what I am comfortable with and not so much what I hear other people saying are the recovery "laws". If you read enough about recovery and addiction you will eventually hear the experts contradict each other, which can become confusing at times.

As I read the blogs of other parents that have an addicted child in their lives I see variance in what are considered appropriate limits. Some say, no way do you let the addict in your home, others say they can come if they are sober at the time. The only consistent thing that I see throughout is don't give money and don't do anything for them that should be capable of doing for themselves.

I am working on defining the limits that I am comfortable with. I am learning that I am not comfortable with a lot of the things I used to allow and thought I had to live with.

It is a process. One day at a time.

Melancholy Mom

I really found myself missing my son this weekend. While I have enjoyed the peacefulness of not having him around and not having him call all the time I really miss him.

The daughter of a co-worker met my son at a music venue a few weeks ago and she told me what a really sweet and cool guy my son is. He really is a very fun guy to be around when he is not high. Our family laughs so much and really has a lot of fun together when everyone is in a good place. I really miss that. A lot.

Where there is life there is hope! Here's hoping!

Detachment

I'd never thought about needing go detach from my non-addict children...until yesterday morning. We had plans to go and visit my in-laws who live about an hour away. The grandson is here for the weekend (yay!) and we were taking him to see his great-grandparents who haven't seen him since May. My daughter, who is almost 19 and lives with us, promised to go with us so she could spend time with her grandparents. It was almost time to go and she wasn't out of bed yet. I woke her up and she really didn't want to get out of bed. My response was, "Well, I am not going to try and make you go" to which she replied "I'll go one day when I am off work." I just laughed then I went about getting myself and the baby ready to go. In the past I would have argued with her, tried to make her feel bad, worried about how bad my in-laws would feel because she didn't show up......etc. I was just able to let it go. It hit me pretty suddenly how different that response was to the way I would have responded even 3 months ago. I was able to go and enjoy my visit without worrying about how everyone else was feeling. I am not responsible for everyone else.. What a liberating feeling to have!
I hope all of you are enjoying a peaceful and serene Labor Day weekend. Praying for your kids and for mine.

I think that went well.....

I broke down and answered the phone when my son called yesterday. He called my cell and I ignored it, then he called my office phone and I ignored it, then he called my cell again before I could turn it off. He hung up on me one time when I didn't say what he wanted to hear. I broke my rule and answered when he called back. I usually don't answer after he hangs up. I basically laid out my boundaries. No visits at my house until I know he is seeking sobriety. He needs a long term residential treatment center but if he would attempt meetings, counseling, anything I would consider letting him visit if he is sober at the time. I told him if he showed up at my house high he would not be allowed in. If he pushed the issue I will have him arrested and then I will file a retraining order. He tried to turn things around and make them my fault and I didn't let him. I let him know that he made this mess and only he could make it better and that I refused to take the blame or responsibility for any of it. I only allowed conversation about our relationship. Nothing about the baby. I told him that I am  not responsible for scheduling visits or making it possible for him visit. That is up to him and the baby's mom.

At the end of the conversation he asked if we were going to speak to each other on the phone. I said that it would be on my terms. He can call but if I can't or don't want to speak with him I won't answer. I admitted that there are times when I don't feel strong enough to speak with him and on those times I will not answer the phone. He said he was sorry for making me feel that way.  I told him that I love him but that I needed to end the conversation. He said he loved me too.

Peace to us all tonight.