Never say Never?

It's been a long time since I stopped in here. Maybe because stuff slowed down for awhile. My son went to prison for breaking probation and not paying fines. He spent two years in various prisons here in Arkansas. He was a disciplinary problem and ended up "flattening" his time. I didn't see him during those two years even though at one point he was only 20 miles from me. Just about the time he could have visitors he would get in a fight and be sent to isolation. In fact he spent most of his two years in isolation. I got infrequent phone calls. We maintained contact by letter. We were pretty good pen pals during those two years. Our phone conversations were some of the best we have ever had.


I've always said that he could never live with me again. Never!! Never say never.


After two years of not seeing my son, I drove 4 hours to pick him up on his discharge day 3 days ago. I took him a set of new clothes. I watched him walk out of there with his brown paper bag of belongings. I cried. He cried just a little. I watched him almost hyperventilate because he didn't know how to breathe outside of that place.


He's still learning how. He's here with me. Safe for now. Still scared to venture too far away. He has a job waiting for him when he is ready. He will see his son for the first time in 3 years tomorrow.


Right now he is on my back porch listening to music. First time he has been outside since he has been here. Progress I'm thinking.


Am I scared of the future? No, because I don't know what the future holds. I'm just praying that this man/boy will prosper. He's healthy and sober today. If he is successful then  he did it. If he goes back to his old way of living then he did that too. I'm just a conduit to a choice.

2016

I just looked to see when I posted last. It was June 15, 2015. Wow! I used to be at least a weekly blogger and sometimes a multiple times a day blogger. Maybe this means that I don't dwell on my addicted child's life as much as I used to. I don't know.


Four days after I posted last my son's new baby boy was born. My grandson's mom is also and addict with severe mental health issues. They both managed to stay clean for the last part of the pregnancy. My son had a job that kept him physically active from morning to night. He was paying his bills they were both doing great. The day the baby was born my son decided to get drunk. He was arrested at the hospital after a physical altercation with the mom. Good grief.


I wish that I could say things improved but they did not. I had to call protective services on September 19th because my grandson's parents were using meth and were being physically abusive of one another. My grandson spent two months in foster care before being placed in the custody of my oldest son and his wife the week before Thanksgiving.


Our entire family is angry with him because of what happened with the baby. We are thankful that we have been able to keep the baby with the family but we are angry that we even had to be put in the spot in the first place.  I haven't had contact with him since right before Thanksgiving when he contacted me to see if he was invited to go to my mother's home with us. I had to be honest with him and tell him that we all love him more than anything but none of us like him right now and it wasn't a good idea for him to attend the family meal. He became belligerent with me, told me he hated me. I told him that I love him very much but until he is sober and able to take care of himself that he did not need to make contact with me again.


I was shocked that I could be calm when telling him that. I was very peaceful about it. It was the right thing to do at that time.


He is in rehab now. He ran out of options. No one would let him stay with them. It was rehab or the street. I may go see him before he is discharged. It's his life he will have to decide what to do next. He is 27 years old, he has two beautiful son's that he doesn't provide for and he doesn't see. There is all kinds of injustice in that. For the boys and for my son.


I'm rocking on with my life. My divorce will be a year old this month. I'm still working on issues with regard to that. I recently tried to make peace with myself and the ex. That seemed to help with the healing. I'm not dating much. In the beginning I thought I needed to be attached to someone and was depressed that I wasn't. I'm learning that I can be fine by myself. I'm learning who I am without the title of wife and caretaker attached to me. I'm learning I'm okay.


Happy New Year to you all. I'm looking forward to a positive 2016 filled with lots of good things. I plan to spend lots of time with these three precious babies. :-)

Juggling

We've all been there.....this is going on at home, that is going on at work, someone is sick, someone is broke, bills to pay, a marriage in trouble, my addicted child is homeless. You know, too many balls in the air. We try to keep them from touching ground like if they do we will be tarnished, marked for life because we failed to keep the circle going.


Today I realize those aren't my balls to keep going. I saw something on Facebook...."Not my circus, not my monkeys" or something like that.


Today I realize the only ball I have to keep in the air is the one I hold in my hand....and guess what? If it falls to the ground that's okay because it bounces and magic erasers clean almost anything.

He's Still an Addict

My son is missing. He's been in jail, in treatment, in a psych hospital........it goes on and on and on and on.


Somehow he has managed to father another child. I'll be a granny again in June. Of course I've connected to the mom of the baby. I'll do what I can to be part of this child's life.


This really sucks.


On the other side, which is the part I focus on these days. I'm good. My divorce was final in January. I've met a man that makes me feel valued. I still have a very close relationship with my sober son and daughter. I have access to all my grandchildren and their parents. I have money to pay the bills. Life is good!


It is what it is.......Dang it!!!!

A Long Way From Home

I called in sick at work today. I know as tough as I try to be this will be an emotional day for me and dealing with the public would not be easy for me.


Today is my son's 26th birthday. I don't know where he is. I know that he was in town last weekend and made no effort to contact me or his dad. He called my grandson and promised to come and see him. In order to see him he must make arrangements for me or his dad to supervise. He called his dad and told him he would be in town and would like to see his son. As I've mentioned before, he hasn't contacted me since I refused to help him get here to see his son on the son's birthday last month. His dad told him that we would work something out. My son never responded.


I saw a post on FB by his girlfriend begging him to check in with her. I commented that her comment didn't sound good. She let me know that she didn't know where he was and that he lied about his whereabouts to her. I suggested that she concentrate on taking care  of herself. She said, "but I love him so much". I told her that I am his mom and no one can love him as much as I do and if love fixed it, we wouldn't be dealing with it now.


The girlfriend told my grandson's mom that my son has been doing his  usual. Stealing from roommates, being verbally and physically abusive to her. The girlfriend says that she tried to get my son to visit his son while they were in town and he wouldn't. My deduction is that he was too high to bother....but that's just me.


Anyway, it doesn't sound good. Today he loses his insurance coverage through his dad. His resources are dwindling.


Please keep my son in your thoughts and prayers. He is a long way from home in more ways than one.

Geographical Escapes

I've read and I have heard over the years that addicts often believe they can outrun their addictions by making a major geographical move. My son has tried this several times over the years. The most recent one was encouraged by several warrants for his arrest. Go figure!


He moved to another state with a woman (of course) to avoid being tied to a trafficking "gang". He messaged me on Facebook asking for money to buy clothes so that he would have something decent to wear for job interviews. For about two seconds I thought about it then I sent him a message back that said that I love him and I wish him luck but I wouldn't send money for clothes and I wouldn't buy clothes for him again. I reminded him that he used to have nice stuff and then I told him that I was sorry that he had managed to misplace them along the way. I didn't get a response to that.


I got another message saying that he wanted to come home because he misses me. I told him that I love him and I wish him well. I told him all that I have to offer is my love and my continued prayers for him. I didn't hear back.


The last message I got from him was about his son's birthday coming up. I told him that I couldn't afford to do a birthday party and that I wasn't even sure I could afford the gas to get to the party that the grandson's mom will be giving him. He responded that he had never been away from his son on his birthday before. I told him that I hadn't either. I told him that I can't afford to get him back to the state and that I can't give him a place to stay. I suggested he work something out with my grandson's mom about seeing him. I haven't heard from him since.


He may have been physically present but he was very high 2 of the three birthdays that my grandson has had. Including the day he was born.


I see on FB that he has a job and seems to be doing okay with that. His dad got a text from him last night saying he was headed to the ER for a kidney stone issue. This has been his last resort way of getting opiates in the past. So, if he was doing well with the job it will end soon. Just like all of the rest of them.


I know I sound harsh here. I have had to put a super dooper barrier between me and my son. I'm doing what I can to transition into my new life as a single 50 year old woman. I really can't and shouldn't be spending my time chasing around after a soon to be 26 year old drug addicted man. I look back over the years and the posts I've put here and I am amazed that I have gotten to this point. I love my son with all of my heart but I realize now that I have done everything that I can do for him. It is his turn to take care of things for himself.


I hope you all have a great Labor Day! I had a great weekend with my grandson. He is on his way back home to his mom and his nana. I'll use the rest of the day to rest from his visit and get ready for the short work week. :-)

I'm Still Kicking!!!

I'm still here folks! I'm transitioning back into the strong woman that I used to be before I let my soon to be ex-husband run my life for me. It took awhile to get to the point that I realized that I am a strong, smart and very capable woman. I know that I was beginning to find her while dealing with my son's addiction but after my ex left I had two choices, wallow in grief and self-pity or get up and move on.


After years of dealing with grief and self-pity dealing with an addicted son I was TIRED of that choice! I have made some big changes in the past 90 days. I moved away from the house that I had lived in for 15 years to a town an hour away. I'm not close enough to jump up and run to any of my children or grandchildren. Grown folks are having to deal with stuff on their own. The ex is having to be interrupted in whatever he is going through to do things like, run an insurance card to my daughter at the walk in clinic. Go help her move her stuff from one house to the next.


I have a new job that leaves me with energy and time to do things that I enjoy. My life is really opening up and becoming more and more enjoyable for me with each day. Really, I feel fairly stress free for the first time in years. My life is simple. I don't make much money and the house I live in is not fancy but it is comfortable. I'm learning that simple and comfortable are very important things to me.


My son is still using. I'm pretty sure it is meth now but I don't have proof. I rarely talk to him on the phone, I last saw him a month ago and it was an awful visit. He only contacts me when he wants something from me. I don't do anything for him. I've run out of the will for that.


I'm making arrangements to see my grand kids next weekend. That is the one thing that I miss about being close. I can't just run get them anytime I get the urge. You know....I think that is a good thing too. I think sometimes I used their visits as a distraction from some of the things that were going on in my house and my marriage. I don't know. Anyway, I do know that I will enjoy them every time I get to spend time with them.


I'm finding my spiritual self again and that is really nice. I've started exercising and watching my diet. I have a friend that encourages me and even works out with me sometimes. I've lost 32 pounds since February. Life for me is just really good.


I've been reading blogs some and note the ups and downs. I'll try to do better about checking in. Helga is a super sleuth!!! She found me on Facebook. That just reinforced that all of us POAs are connected in some way. I think about each of you often and you are all always in my prayers.